I can do anything for 3 minutes

Thanks to Catherine (Lap Band Chronicles)-- I got motivated to get back to my exercise 'routine.'  I am the type of person who is very ruled by routines.
My daily routine has been pretty devoid of dedicated exercise-- though I have made efforts with the pedometer of late.

However: a good run never hurt anyone-- and since I am such a proponent of running, I decide to go out this morning with doggy and take a jog.  I was very pleasantly surprised (and for all of you NEW runners out there- remember, I have been a runner for many years on and off) that I was able to run for 30 minutes without stopping.  I'm not saying I was running fast, just a comfortable jogging pace-- but I felt good and it is always such an accomplishment to say "I went for a run today!!"

I definitely want to go back for more...
The picture of me, above, is me post run with t-shirt off... I have to admit, that is about 10 shots in, I really had to try a bit to get a picture I found acceptable.  I am most certainly not at a weight (and almost never have been in my life) that I feel comfortable with how my body looks no matter what angle or what picture.  I will say that I haven't been shocked, disgusted and frightened by any recent photos of myself.  That's progress!!

As for "I can do anything for 3 minutes"-- one of the techniques I've used over the years to get myself to run up a hill or finish a prescribed time of running (today, I decided on 30 minutes) is to say those words and then count backwards from 180 seconds.  Just a little mental technique that helps pass the END of a workout and gets you where you want to go.

It worked this morning and got me to 30 minutes when I felt like quitting after my blackberry battery died and the music I was playing stopped... but nope: I said to myself "C'mon girl,  you can do anything for 3 minutes!!" And so I did.

This technique got me thinking about ways that the "I can do anything for 3 minutes" concept could be applied to a craving.  I honestly have not been trying very hard to avoid cravings, rather, just giving in.  I know that's why I'm remaining pretty stuck in the high 150's.
Don't get me wrong, I recall being stuck in the 170's... so I am grateful to be down at this weight level.  But I am NOT FINISHED.

So, without getting into too much complication-- I'm just going to see how applying the "I can wait for 3 minutes" before eating something inadvisable works with the technique of "Eat protein, veggies and fruit before any treats".... and get my water in before any other caloric (ahem, alcoholic) beverages cross my lips.

That's my deal today.

How about you???

Why I got the band ... weight loss mode ... etc

Our friend, Lap Band Gal, posted a great one about "Why" she got the lap band, and I thought it might be interesting to explain why I got the lap band.
Whereas her post was directed to compare her own experience with choosing between Gastric Bypass, Lap Band, or Gastric Sleeve-- my post is about choosing weight loss surgery.

First, let me get the inevitable competitive nastiness and comparisons out of the way.  I am not here to say any one surgery is the 'better' choice.  I am not a physician, I'm a person with my own long history of weight struggles.
I believe that the recommendation by the surgeon is often informed by the surgeon's experiences, expertise, and personal/ professional position on which surgery is "best" for his or her patients.

Now that I've gotten the "this is surgery is better than THAT surgery" question out of the way (since it is IMPOSSIBLE to answer in a global context... it has to be personalized decision making)... let's talk about my favorite topic: weight loss with the lap band me.
(There's nothing like the strikethrough for a little chuckle!)

My decision making to get the band was not complicated by whether or not to get Gastric Bypass or a Sleeve... those were not options for my particular case.  The only 'option' for me was the Lap Band, and that one was "off label" for me as well.
I was 196 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches when I first decided to go see my surgeon, Dr. Ren.
I was nearing 39 years old at the time, and after a week of trying what usually worked to get some weight off (using vacation time for work for a 'staycation' and exercising hard every day while cutting back on my intake)-- I'd gotten absolutely NOWHERE with my weight.

I was scared and sad.
I cried a lot, and had what I'd term a personal crisis and then a realization that I had to do more and get some help.  That is where my idea of seeing Dr. Ren emerged.

I was fortunate to be working in a position where I could get a fairly immediately appointment (maybe 5 days later) with Dr. Ren-- so I cut to the chase and saw her to discuss my predicament.
I completed the preparatory paperwork for the visit-- and filling out an Excel spreadsheet (my creation) of my weight history-- complete with a graph showing the steady GAIN over the course of my 30's convinced me that something had to be done, all the more.

Dr. Ren immediately understood what was going on with my weight.
She said that while my BMI was not at the level that typically dictated the surgery (I was somewhere around 34, as I recall, and I had NO comorbid conditions,) she saw the pattern and did not think I would ever overcome my weight problem on my own.  I'll emphasize that she said that were I 20 years old, rather than nearing 40, and had I not tried every diet in the book, she'd have sent me to her nutritionist for conservative diet approach.
She also said that she could give me appetite suppressants, but that they would not be extremely effective in the long run.

So, after a brief discussion-- and a wonderful feeling of being understood for me-- WOW, she really got it that I was trying and couldn't DO THIS without more help!!!-- she took out her paperwork for me to sign about having the lap band OFF LABEL.  This means that the FDA had not approved the lap band for people in my weight class. In fact, it is still not approved, and still off label for me...
Remember: the INSURANCE industry, with a bunch of actuaries, is deciding whether or not you or I should have weight loss surgery.

My surgeon absolutely felt it was indicated.
However: the insurance industry thought and thinks that I wasn't fat enough or sick enough (YET) to get the surgery.  I would have needed to have diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic back pain or skin ulcerations... you name it-- something expensive for insurance to treat, in order to justify the large outlay of money that my insurance would need to make for me to have the surgery.

So: I needed to be self-pay.
Being self-pay (to the tune of nearly $15,000) for the surgery smoothed the way for me-- there were no insurance approvals needed, no major waits.  But of course, I had to shell out that large sum.

But I'll tell you, it was and continues to be worth it.
Here I am today, at about 158.8 pounds this am, healthier and more confident than before.  I'm not 'dieting' but living my life.... sometimes it is not easy with the band, but at least I am no longer struggling to figure out HOW TO GET THIS WEIGHT OFF.

Can I get an Amen?

And that is why I got the band.

157.9 and 158.1-- party pix, last year and this year

~ July 26th, 2010

July 24th, 2011

Above are the comparison shots-- not as dramatic as I might have hoped, especially since I was ~20 pounds more last year!  This is an example of how photos kind of lie, in my opinion.

If I look closely, I can see some important differences that show a 20 pound loss-- namely, my face is thinner, my arm is a bit thinner (even in this really unattractive pose-- I hate seeing my arm smooshed against my side...) my legs and thighs are smaller, the expose part of my chest looks slimmer, and the sleeve of the shirt is looser around my arm in this year's pic-- whereas it was pulled tight on my upper arm last year.

You may think I'm grasping at straws for differences-- but I really think this is a good example of lying photographs. This can work to your advantage or disadvantage-- and it is why the scale is important to me.  The numbers are facts, and you really cannot mess around with them too much.

So much for posting each day-- I saw our old friend Jenny from life's little journey blog is back-- and she's committing to daily blogging, and I agree!! I will keep trying to blog as much as possible. It helps with staying on track.

Because I didn't post yesterday, I didn't have the pleasure of reporting that I was at 157.9...
And then this morning, after dinner our and some salty food: back up to 158.1 (not really much difference... but you know that I'm splitting hairs on my slow weight loss!)

The good news on this is that my weight seems to be gradually bouncing in a downward direction.  I have to say this is mostly thanks to a pretty tight band.  I am behaviorally having to modify myself quite substantially... not sure WHY I am tightened up-- but it has been going on for about a week.  Nothing pathological--perhaps it's a change in barometric pressure, the heat? Who knows?

What I do know is that if I don't take tiny bites, chew well, go slow-- I get the dreaded PB's. I'm ashamed to admit it here, but it has happened several times in the past week-- but I feel that I'm 'waking up' to that reality and being more and more and even more careful.  Went out to dinner last night, which is the worst possible time of day, and had NO problems.  Why: because I ate exquisitely carefully and ordered carefully too. (Salmon, mashed potatoes, brocoli-- and a few bites of cheesecake for dessert.)

Here's another (kinda stupid) re-realization: eating in the morning -- I was about to call it breakfast, but that may be an exaggeration-- is a really good idea for me. So are soft foods, let's face it.  Soups and yogurt are really good, and often healthy choices!
You know what's not so easy to eat: morningstar grillers! Bah.  I love those.

And in the insanely non-sensical lap band world: I can do ok with a 'flat bagel' from the most amazing bagel store around us, that with some cream cheese on it-- and eating just a half, very, very slowly.  This was one of the breakfasts I had earlier this week, and a successful eating day afterwards...

I know I'm not talking that much sense-- but it's early in the morning. Coffee time.

Running training (I'm a runner, not an expert!) weeks 3 and 4-- with 1 and 2 copied in as well....

Amanda, this one's for you and for anyone else following my little new runner training program.  Remember: I am not a doctor or an exercise physiologist. While I do have a degree in physical rehabilitation field, I am not your coach or personal expert-- just your blogger friend.
Of course, consult your doctor or whatever other professional you need to before embarking on any exercise program!
Enjoy...


Here are weeks 3 and 4, and you'll begin to see the pattern emerge-- do little, work up slow... become a better and fitter runner, one run at a time.
*Also note: where I am, it is an extreme heat wave, never run in super duper hot weather-- it can be dangerous in terms of air quality and overheating. Just defer the run until the weather improves or get on a treadmill...


Week 3:
Runs 1, 2, and 3:
First 8 minutes-- Walk for 8 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.
Next 14 minutes-- Speed up your walking and interject 60 second 'jogs' [just count to 60, no stopwatch needed] -- whenever you feel you can.
DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk.
Last 8 minutes-- Walk for 8 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

Week 4:
Runs 4, 5, and 6:

First 8 minutes-- Walk for 8 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.

Next 15 minutes-- Jog at a comfortable pace for 1 minute (count to 60 in your head) and then walk for 3 minutes, then jog for 1 minute. Repeat 3 times.

DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk. 

Last 7 minutes-- Walk for 7 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

** This is a repeat of the previous rules... and the weeks 1 and 2 runs are below as well.**
Other notes and RULES:
1) DO NOT extend these 'runs.'  The 30 minutes is meant to be manageable and very easy to fit into almost any lifestyle with just a bit of tweaking.  Who can't find 30 minutes 3 times in a week if she is trying to do something exciting and new?
(Try this suggestion:
Get up 40 minutes earlier-- 10 minutes for coffee and getting dressed and 30 mins to exercise.)
These runs are meant to be success stories for you-- ANYONE who can walkcan do as I'm advising, it is all about your own pacing and level.  If you can only manage ONE JOG in the 2nd 10 minutes, that's FINE. Just do it at your level and that is perfectly OK.
2) DO NOT all out run during the jogs.  Most likely, you will feel like this is 'too easy' and 'not enough.' Enjoy that feeling of fitness and succeed. Do not pressure yourself to do more.
3) ENJOY the time you are out on your runs-- and know that this is just the beginning of a great fitness routine!!
4) Feel free to gently stretch before or after or both... you don't have to stretch to do this program because the walking constitutes your stretch, warm up-- but eventually, you'll need to incorporate some stretching into your program.



Week 1:
Runs 1, 2, and 3:
First 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.
Second 10 minutes-- Speed up your walking and interject 30 second 'jogs' whenever you feel you can (count to 30 in your head, you don't need to use a stop watch.)
DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk.
Last 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

Week 2:
Runs 4, 5, and 6:

First 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.

Second 10 minutes-- Speed up your walking and interject 45 second 'jogs' whenever you feel you can (count to 45 in your head, you don't need to use a stop watch.)

DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk. 

Last 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

Other notes and RULES:
1) DO NOT extend these 'runs.'  The 30 minutes is meant to be manageable and very easy to fit into almost any lifestyle with just a bit of tweaking.  Who can't find 30 minutes 3 times in a week if she is trying to do something exciting and new?
(Try this suggestion:
Get up 40 minutes earlier-- 10 minutes for coffee and getting dressed and 30 mins to exercise.)
These runs are meant to be success stories for you-- ANYONE who can walkcan do as I'm advising, it is all about your own pacing and level.  If you can only manage ONE JOG in the 2nd 10 minutes, that's FINE. Just do it at your level and that is perfectly OK.
2) DO NOT all out run during the jogs.  Most likely, you will feel like this is 'too easy' and 'not enough.' Enjoy that feeling of fitness and succeed. Do not pressure yourself to do more.
3) ENJOY the time you are out on your runs-- and know that this is just the beginning of a great fitness routine!!
4) Feel free to gently stretch before or after or both... you don't have to stretch to do this program because the walking constitutes your stretch, warm up-- but eventually, you'll need to incorporate some stretching into your program.

The skimpiest thing I've worn out to dinner in years...

This weekend is going to be busy--it is my son's 7th birthday on Tuesday and his birthday party is on Sunday.  As I said in my last post, it was also our anniversary (9th!) on Thursday.... so we decided to call in our babysitter and go out to dinner last night.
I can't remember, but did I tell you guys that I did a quick shopping trip to Target (I am sure I did, now that I think of it...) and bought some sundresses... well the picture above is one of them.

Now, when I look at this picture I get 2 very different reactions:
1) I see a bunch of fashion don'ts: the shoes are wrong, the dress could fit better, I'm not wearing any make up
2) Wow! I can't believe I am pulling off this dress.  It is flimsy and pretty unforgiving and the hubs really dug it.  I felt sexy and glamorous in it...

We had a great dinner at one of our favorite restaurants-- and I couldn't eat a whole lot. It's been a tight few days... but I am finding great success with SALAD at lunchtime.
I still need to accept that dinner is my tightest time of day, and that soups and eating little amounts is best.

I've got to make a breakthrough to new lows sooner or later-- yeah?  I am sure it will all come together-- but know that I've essentially been stuck in this same weight range since around May. Humbug.
Never give up-- never surrender. Keep learning... keep being proud of myself.

Oh: and stay tuned for comparison pictures from last year's bday party for my son and this year's... here is preview:

Late July 2010-- ~178 lbs

The amazing magic of blogging and my anniversary and 158.1

Today is my wedding anniversary and I am such an asshole so busy that I've not had time to get either gift or card for my adorable hubs.  Fortunately: he is an understanding guy, and he knows he didn't marry the romantic type. But sheesh-- I didn't even realize it was the 21st until he came in and put a card on my bedside table before he went to bed (I usually hit the sack much earlier.)
GUILTY!

At least I am going to let him sleep in and encourage him to take the entire day off to do nothing but things he enjoys... once he picks up his car from the shop with me this am. Then, I'll be off to work and he works from home.   The summers are very slow for his line of work (and his business is still developing anyway)-- so an invitation to just dilly dally all day might be enjoyable for him. (He is very intent on keeping things up to date and clean in the house as that's our family agreement.  Since he is home and I work out of the home-- we have the upside down holly-hobby arrangement with the dad who does the cooking and cleaning in large part.)

This is another problem with being an adult.  You can actually go out and buy anything you want and need at any time... so gifts are sort of difficult to figure out for me.  I know a gift is supposed to be an unexpected  treasure, but I can't really think of what would be good for him right now-- probably b/c my brain is overwhelmed with during the week stuff.  I know that I suck a little about this... I'm sorry to hubs if you're reading.  I know I'll figure a way to make it up to him-- and I know that I tell him that I love and appreciate him all the time. (I'm handpainting his nunchucks for pete's sake- perhaps that can be my gift?)

Anyhow: after a brief pause, I think I am back to daily blogging.  It was getting a bit hard with the organization of my mornings with the puppy etc.  However: I think things are falling into place with her routine a bit more.  We've finally settled on keeping her crate in the kitchen and she is sleeping until the late hour of 5:15 am (I am trying to get her to sleep later, but she is a 'morning dog'-- like her mommy.)  Then she wakes me up, I take her for a little walk (by my pedometer, about a half mile) and we come back in.  As I write this, she is playing around and with me... she loves fetch.  What a strange dog. (Ha.)

I got on the scale this am: 158.1.
This is a happy number for me-- not the best I've done (remember, I was down to 155.something when I could barely drink anything during my too tight episode)... but I think REAL low to date is 157.5.  So... I'm closing back in on that.

Check me out one year ago... if I needed a boost, a year's time lapse certainly helps me see that I am making progress:

July 21st, 2010 post by DL

I also think that my little efforts may be paying off. The extra walking, the decreased drinking, (not sure about the desserts part-- need to get a better handle on that one...)-- that may be why I am pleasantly 'surprised' to see 158.1.

I'm gaining confidence back that I CAN do this!! Yay again.

In many ways, I feel that this blog is the proverbial broken record-- but as I've said, over and over again: it is the place to come to express myself, be accountable, and to have a like-minded community.  Sometimes I see myself and say "wow-- I had weight loss surgery"... because it hasn't really taken over my identity at all.  Only a certain few close people in my life know about it, that'd be my parents, inlaws, sister and her family, and a few close friends.

Now: I can't account for gossip, so there may be many more people at my old j*b who know (I told a person there with whom I've since fallen out, and she is a big gossip...)-- but I am well and truly finished with that place and most of the people there.

One of the people in my current place actually had a gastric bypx revised to a lap band recently but this person is in a subordinate role to mine and so I don't say much.  She did tell me that she was in the ED due to some stricture or whatever, and little did she know how much I understood.  But with all the gossip in the current place I am -- I'd never tell.  Believe me, the circumstances are such that I should not say a word, I don't need more tongues wagging about me.

I just had a really competitive thought about the person I'm mentioning above.  Wondering how much she has lost...will she get thinner than me? This is pretty unlikely as she is starting at a high, high weight and I'm almost there and still going.  I'm just being honest about this feeling of competitiveness.  I used to get it a lot and it felt terrible when I saw someone I knew lose weight and I knew I was heavy as ever and just afraid that I'd be gaining more...

Back to reality: I've got to keep going and I actually think that the path I set out the other day is the way to do it! I just need to stick with it, and I don't need to be perfect.

Let me reiterate the plan as I see it in my head today:
Daily Goals/ Suggested Behaviors:
*Walk at least 10,000 steps per day
*Limit alcohol consumption, go for every other day, some of the time (still looking at this one...)
*Focus on getting in protein, fruits, and veg before any processed foods...
*Dinnertime is always tough: focus on SMALL bites, SMALL portions, and chewing a lot. Work hard to limit frustration that leads to extra dessert... maybe try some relaxation tea before eating?
*Get a hold of dessert habit-- choose a good dessert and call it a day!
*Water !!!

That's all for now, folks...

How all or nothing thinking is destructive

Just a quick note to say that all or nothing thinking really blows-- and that just because I didn't wear my pedometer one day, I don't have to decide the pedometer is for shit and I shouldn't wear it anymore.

So, I'm back to the pedometer, whenever I can conveniently wear it-- and will try for at least 10,000 steps per day.  Magic happens when I wear the pedometer-- seeing those steps adding up makes me jog in place at times, and take extra trips to the bathroom or walk around in circles.  These little fidgety moves add up-- I've even read about it.

As for eating: I had a comment from our lovely Gen (and some of my other faves--thanks for the comments, y'all) and she reminded me that giving up drinking my ONE drink per day may really NOT be the best thing after all.  More moderation is the key, I s'pose.

Another thing I'm going to do more of-- blogging.  When I'm blogging, I'm paying closer attention to me.  I'm being introspective, I'm sharing what's going on and I cannot hide from myself because I refuse to be dishonest to you guys. If I've gained weight, I just have to come out and say it, even if I'm ashamed and hurting about it.
That's the power of accountability without terrible, hurtful judgement.  I know that none of you are going to come onto my blog and tell me off if my weight is up (which is isn't-- it just hasn't changed much).. but you're going to know. And so am I.  And then I'm going to work on changing it.

It surprises me what people talk about how determined I am.  Rhonda (Cozy Coconut) said that in her comment to me earlier. I kinda think: isn't everyone as determined as I am? But maybe not?

Then the doubting side of my personality wants to say: you're just full of it anyway, you're not that determined... but where is that coming from? A vestige of my past meanness to myself.  But I've put down that bottle of negahol and joined "NA" (Negaholics Anonymous.)   SO: instead, I'll acknowledge that I am DAMN determined to continue to lose weight.  I just am taking a gentle approach to figuring out what to tweak (or continue to tweak) to keep losing.

Hence: I'm back to the pedometer (to add some more calorie burning) on many days per week.
Foregoing the alcohol some of the time.
Limiting down my desserts.
Eating a PROPER dinner... and that's the hardest one.

That was another bit of brilliance in Gen's comment to me: she, just like me, has this thing where if she cannot eat dinner, she gives up and then eats dessert... humbug. That is me to a 'T."

Some of you may think I'm too tight, but I'm not-- if I would just follow the goddamn rules (carefully, mind)-- I wouldn't have it rough.  But I really struggle to eat slowly and take small bites and wait between bites.

Clearly: I'm still on the learning curve-- so maybe if I just simply try the small bites, chew/ chew/ chew concept out with good foods again-- that is my best bet too.

Dunno, but I'll keep on trying.
Keep on reading too. I love you all!!

Too Long!

I don't want to become one of those absent bloggers-- but this week has been as busy as any other... just crazy and I've been on the road a lot.
I am wondering if my lack of very active weight loss is making me less likely to blog.  I don't want to give up-- but am having difficulty locating the mojo to continue down the scale.

It's like there is a disconnect:
I am absolutely committed to reaching the normal BMI range (and as of yesterday, at 158.9, I'm not there yet...) And: I want to get beyond that range.

But at the same time, losing more weight is seeming more difficult and harder to reach.
I definitely don't want to give the impression of being discouraged... the feeling I have is not of being discouraged, but of being in a bit of a holding pattern.

I can surely talk a good game, but I am not consistently following the good plans I set up. Argh.

For example: I was wearing my pedometer for a while, but then I gave it up. (Just being honest.)  It started getting to be a pain to wear it every day.
I'm thinking that perhaps I'll just focus myself on wearing my pedometer on WEEKDAYS-- weekends, just forget it...the all or nothing thing is getting me down as well.

Sigh.

I have cut back on my alcohol consumption-- not having a drink every night... so that is good.  But last night when I found it really difficult and annoying to eat dinner (my typical hard part of the day)-- I decided to have a glass of wine to see if that calmed things down in my gullet.  Remember: Dr. Ren told me that there is a real medicinal effect of alcohol, which is why I began having a drink in the evenings....

Now the other end of the spectrum on this:
I could just accept the fact that dinner is really NOT my meal.  But I've talked about this in the past.  Dinner used to be my 'go to ' meal-and giving it up is really hard.  Add in the fact that it is the time when I am sitting with the family and there is appetizing food and it is a set up for a big failure.

Here is what happens:
I try to eat.
I get stuck and frustrated.
I give up and eat easier food and then succumb to dessert as well.

This is obviously something that needs some problem solving... but a simple solution is needed, because when I do all of my fancy calculations, it becomes a mental exercise that winds up yielding very little.

I will observe the following:
Whatever the sum total of what I'm doing regularly right now is-- it is keeping me at exactly the weight I am now.
I am pretty certain that until I change SOMETHING, I won't break this plateau.
It's simple and complicated-- either eat less or exercise more or do a bit of both...

Now: how????

(I know the haters out there would just say "push yourself away from the table, get some discipline..." etc-- but we all know it is not that simple.  It is about changing habitual behaviors.)

So... I'll be thinking... and any suggestions are ALWAYS welcomed.
Cheers.

** Oh, and a big PS: I ought to start posting daily again. That reminds me that my goal is weight loss!!

BYOC!

BYOC-- A chance to get to know each other a bit better and enjoy some fun Q&A:


Let’s do something crazy….I’m going to list the rainbow colors and you type the first FOOD item that pops into your head that symbolizes that color for you…..here’s mine:

Red- beets
Orange- butternut squash or pumpkin
Yellow-squash
Green- broccoli
Blue- blueberries
Violet- radicchio
Black- licorice
Brown- chocolate

I think my list is pretty boring-- and shows how your brain goes on a jag (I got on a vegetable tear and that's why you see all the squash and stuff... but then we get into some candy. MMMM


2. What is on your kitchen table right now?


4 placemats (not sure why we have 4 out, because we are a family of 3, but it could be some compulsion for evenness on my part) and a bunch of lanyard wheels that my husband bought to try out with my son. My son is in day camp, the land of lanyard braiding and we're trying to figure out how to do the damn things at home.

3. What movie do you watch again and again and again? Not like what movie have you seen 5 times…but like what movie have you seen 30 times or more?

My husband is a DVD whore. There: I said it (sorry if you're reading this honey, but you know already.) We have ever movie that has ever been made... ok, perhaps an exaggeration, but I'll go take a pic of our DVD collection, and you'll be as wow'd as the next person.  It's a lot.  
That said: I love to watch "The Devil Wears Prada." LOVE, LOVE.
The fashion, the bitchiness, the skinny-ness... such yummy fluff!
(But the book was better.)


I think of that boss and how I would never, ever want my staff to feel that way about me.  Meryl Streep's portrayal of that character keeps me humble.

4. If Satan had a last name – what would it be?

I don't know: Pants ??
Something stupid.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.


In blogland: I've not had a chance to comment or even blog as much as I typically do (y'all who read me here know that I can be very prolific.)  But, I'm reading-- sometimes just want to move on and read the next and the commenting on blogger can be such a pain in the ass that I don't bother with it.
Note: As Gilly once said, if you make me put in a verification word, I often just give up on the comment, as it often gets lost!! Argh.  But I try.


In real life:  Hmmm, my never ending quest to get out of the 160's and into the MID-150's for realz keeps going.
I'm SO excited that we're going to see the Harry Potter movie this evening at AMC's Fork and Screen. I am an ashamed suburbanite here to admit that I LOVE going to the movies and having a waitstaff come at the press of a button with a REAL DRINK (I mean margarita, which I will treat myself to this evening...) and food. Fun!


And: it is almost our 9th wedding anniversary and last night I accidentally opened my gift from hubs-- so sweet-- a Tiffany locket and new silver chain engraved with our anniversary date.  He actually go me something similar last year-- I think the message is STOP forgetting our anniversary date!!! (I can't ever remember if it is July 21 or 22.  We MET on the 22nd and got married on the 21st.)
It really was an accident that I opened the gift, by the way-- it was a UPS package that was just sitting there, and so I opened it and said, "Honey, there's a Tiffany gift in here, what's that for?"....whoops. 


Now: I need to get his gift this weekend.  I have to say, I am so bad, I was not even thinking about anniversary gifts yet.  He is very sweet and I am trying to figure out what would be a great gift for him-- better hurry up... 

Taking it one day at a time...

So:
Yesterday I topped off at over 12,000 steps and with a tiny bit of effort (took a deliberately long walk with the doggy,) I did not have an alcoholic beverage.
It did take an effort not to drink because I have become accustomed to the habitual enjoyment of a glass of wine of an evening-- not to mention that my dear hubs offered me a glass!!

I said no, despite the temptation.

However, here we are at the weekend, and I definitely need a bit of a plan.

I discussed with my sister, who is much more naturally thin than I am, and then works really hard at staying very thin, that I was going to cut out alcohol.
She said, 'why?' Just try to have it every other day -- it's too harsh to skip it all the time if you like it.  She also said that she has cut way back on her alcohol consumption b/c she is sure she is 'fatter' the day after she drinks, especially based on the fact that alcohol converts right into fat in your liver.

So, once again, we reach the point of moderation vs. bashing myself over the head and forcing a change.

I like my sister's approach, which I can take further when I'm ready-- so I think it is fair to say the following:
"If I had a an alcoholic beverage yesterday, I won't have one today."

At this rate, and assuming I currently average 1 drink per day and assuming that my drink 'costs' me ~200 calories, I ought to be saving on average (looking at 7 days)

Day of Week:                   Previous Calorie Estimate from Alcohol:                   New Calorie Estimate:
Friday                                              200                                                                         0
Saturday                                          200                                                                       200
Sunday                                            200                                                                          0
Monday                                           200                                                                       200
Tuesday                                           200                                                                          0
Weds                                               200                                                                        200
Thurs                                               200                                                                          0

That's an 800 calorie savings for 1 week.

Now let's add in the following:
The amount of calories you burn per mile is equal to double your weight in pounds divided by 3.5. 


Assuming my weight at 158, that means I burn ~ 90 calories per mile of walking.
I'm not entirely certain, but I think it is fair to say that I was averaging about 8000 steps a day previously, so by moving up to 10,000 steps per day, I'm adding 1 mile of walking or 90 calories of added exercise burn per day (I know, kinda measly.)

But, if you multiply 90*7 days = 630 calories per week for that extra mile a day.

And putting it all together:

Saving 800 calories on alcohol and burning 630 calories more per week = 
~1400 calories per week, bringing my potential weight loss through these 2 tweaks to a time frame of ~2.5 weeks to lose a pound (if I change nothing else in my eating.)


So, let's see how this goes for about 3 weeks...

Onto other note... I bought several sun dresses yesterday at Target!  I wish I had tons of time to shop-- but I just don't, and I am pretty averse to overspending on casual clothes, especially when I do hope to lose at least another 20 pounds.   But, I am very realistic that those 20 pounds aren't coming off overnight and that we are planning a trip to the Caribbean in the early part of the winter.

I hate wearing shorts, it has never been my big thing, but I do find that sun dresses, even if basically a bit longer than shorts (to nearly the knee), seem to be more of a flattering an comfortable things to wear during the summer... and until yesterday, I really only had 1 dress (which you've seen on this blog in pictures last year) and one pool cover up.  Both are ironically short... since my legs are my least slimming feature, I'd do well with the maxi dress-- but didn't find anything suitable at Target yesterday .  (I say "Tar-zhjay" in my head, y'all.)

Ta ta y'all!! Wish me luck on the walking and drinking plan!

158.6-- still stepping along

So, my weight is still in this range of the high 150's-- and broken record that I am : I know that the changes are up to me to reach a new low.
Here are my goals:
1) 10,000 steps per day (or more!)

*Edited to add-- Today's steps-- 11,623 at 7:05 pm.

2) Choose 1 dessert and stick with it, don't add more stuff and keep it under 150 cals
3) Reduce alcohol consumption during the week
5) Drink great quantities of water

Now, I now that my goals could be better written-- but this is right out of my head (I'll have to look back at my 'commitments' from earlier in the week.)
But I'll tell ya:
I'm doing my stepping-- really trying to get that in.  Yesterday, I walked 11,300 (and though the day before I was at 7300) I was over 10,000 the day before that. I'm logging it in my weight log now.
However: on the rest, not as great.

I have made excuses to have a drink each night-- it's definitely a habit.  But I'm also going to figure out a way to make a DIFFERENT habit.  Talked to my sister yesterday and she and I thought up that I could make a special non-alcoholic cocktail for myself to replace the 'drink relaxation after work' thingy I do.  So: I'm going to take some tonic water, lemon/ lime juice, maybe a splash of cranberry or other juice and pour it into a martini glass and have that as a drink.  Alternatives (because I don't care for carbonation that much) would be water mixed with lemon, lime and maybe even a hint of herbal tea or something.

As for dessert, that is not an epic fail-- I do alright with just having a few small squares of chocolate and sometimes even skip dessert-- but it is not consistent.  Alas, I am stuck on the scale-- it is that couple hundred extra calories of dessert and after dinner snacking PLUS daily drink (I only have 1 drink) that are keeping me at this weight. Bah.

Water: I'm sipping away-- but still find myself not drinking consistently enough to keep my pee almost clear. (TMI, I know.) That's the goal, though!

So-- the conclusion is-- I'm not perfect.  No shock here.  But my goals are sound and I'll keep on trucking away....

On burning fast and bright, the long haul and running installment #1...

I have been thinking about some bloggers I've known in the past-- particularly one, who shall remain nameless-- but who was very controversial.  As we all know, there are a fair few of these individuals, so while if you are reading this, I am most likely NOT writing about you-- I still don't want to give away any identifying info to start arguments.  Let's just call this person "Pat."
'Pat' has now ostensibly gone from the blogosphere-- and I think it is one of those cases of 'burning fast and bright' and then 'burning out.'
Without spending too much more time on the story, Pat argued a lot with many bloggers and had strong opinions about how people ought to go about losing weight.  Pat, like many of us, had a life-long struggle with obesity, but during the time that Pat was blogging, Pat was under HEAVY DUTY control of an eating plan-- and was quite impatient with those who could not show the same dedication.

And now Pat is gone in a poof.  My suspicion is that Pat is out there, gaining weight or struggling, but having been so judgmental of others has now been backed into a corner by extreme opinions and judgments that must be logically applied to oneself.

You see: losing weight and keeping it off are NOT about burning fast and bright-- they are about a low and steady flame that keeps burning.  You don't need to throw all of the logs onto the fire at once and make a gigantic bonfire-- that just causes you to run out of proverbial 'fuel.'

Instead: losing weight is a lifestyle-- and that is why I and so many other bloggers abhor the word or the notion 'dieting.'  Dieting suggests burning fast and bright.  Lifestyle implies changes that are lasting... that are ingrained into your day to day and that you don't need to beat the crap out of yourself or anyone else to convince yourself to do make them and keep on going.

And that brings me to RUNNING.

I noticed that our blogger friend, Amanda (I'll try to link her blog, but if I don't have a chance look in my comments for her-- she is a frequent commenter here...) tried running recently and decided that it wasn't for her and was a hateful activity.
I commented back to her and said I'd gladly give some running advice (from my humble perspective) because I am a lifetime lover of running.  I don't always run regularly (and you might call what I do 'jogging' because it is hardly fast..) but whenever I do, I find it to be a simple pleasure.  I've gained a lot of 'running maturity' over the years that I am glad to share.

I definitely think it is too daunting of a task to give all of my advice in one post-- so let's start here:

Running is a lot like losing weight!!
Learning to be a runner (if you're going to do it right, keep away from injuries and enjoy yourself in the process) is a LONG HAUL. There is NO 'burning fast and bright' way to learn to run.

On the plus side, and in my opinion-- the DAY you decide to learn how to run and decide to commit to a running program, you get to call yourself a 'runner.'  You get to own that venerable title and no one can take it from you.  And as you run, your body will thank you with quick progress, provided that you keep on 'low burn' and don't try to throw all of your logs onto the fire in the first few weeks or even months.

So here is my advice for 'beginner running-- weeks 1 and 2.'

Commit to a RUNNING TRAINING program for these 2 weeks.  That means promising yourself 30 minutes THREE times each week for 2 weeks.

Is that so much?

Here's what you do and I am going to keep it VERY simple so as to keep from being overwhelming.

Week 1:
Runs 1, 2, and 3:
First 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.
Second 10 minutes-- Speed up your walking and interject 30 second 'jogs' whenever you feel you can (count to 30 in your head, you don't need to use a stop watch.)
DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk.
Last 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

Week 2:
Runs 4, 5, and 6:

First 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to warm up.

Second 10 minutes-- Speed up your walking and interject 45 second 'jogs' whenever you feel you can (count to 45 in your head, you don't need to use a stop watch.)

DO NOT SPRINT.  Just jog at a comfortable pace that is not a walk. 

Last 10 minutes-- Walk for 10 minutes at a comfortable pace to cool down.

Other notes and RULES:
1) DO NOT extend these 'runs.'  The 30 minutes is meant to be manageable and very easy to fit into almost any lifestyle with just a bit of tweaking.  Who can't find 30 minutes 3 times in a week if she is trying to do something exciting and new?
(Try this suggestion:
Get up 40 minutes earlier-- 10 minutes for coffee and getting dressed and 30 mins to exercise.)
These runs are meant to be success stories for you-- ANYONE who can walk can do as I'm advising, it is all about your own pacing and level.  If you can only manage ONE JOG in the 2nd 10 minutes, that's FINE. Just do it at your level and that is perfectly OK.
2) DO NOT all out run during the jogs.  Most likely, you will feel like this is 'too easy' and 'not enough.' Enjoy that feeling of fitness and succeed. Do not pressure yourself to do more.
3) ENJOY the time you are out on your runs-- and know that this is just the beginning of a great fitness routine!!
4) Feel free to gently stretch before or after or both... you don't have to stretch to do this program because the walking constitutes your stretch, warm up-- but eventually, you'll need to incorporate some stretching into your program.

If anyone is going to do this, please let me know-- and I will give you weeks 3 and 4 once you finish up the first 2 weeks.  Good luck!

Finally-- below are MY commitments to do this week, written the other day... I didn't follow through with everything this week, but did start wearing a pedometer.
Did 9300 steps on Saturday and 11,000 (can't recall exact number) yesterday.

Have already done over 2000 this morning on walk with dog!

Conclusions:  Here are the things that would work best for me-- particularly if focused on during weekdays-- (the weekends are differently challenging):

Eating a tiny dinner
Drinking less or no alcohol during the week
Planning a PREDICTABLE dessert and limiting myself to that only (Like a skinny cow ice cream sandwich-- I can keep those in the house and eat only 1 at a time)
Do a really great brush / floss right after dessert and eat nothing more during the day
Start wearing a pedometer-- and get in 10,000 steps per day-- I believe I am WAY under that.**

BYOC -- rawr!

1. If you were asked to symbolize yourself as an animal – which animal would you be?



A Lioness.  I think these animals are majestic and beautiful-- and the symbolism for me is that Lionesses are FIERCE and not to be messed with when they must protect their young and their families.  I think that Lionesses are generally badasses, but they have kind hearts towards those they let into their inner circle-- this is a lot like me.  People who know me least think I am a hard ass, and maybe even bitchy-- but truthfully, I am very sensitive inside.


2. Did you ever play an organized sport – with coaches, rules and scoring? Tell us about it.

Yes, many times in my life!
I was on the swim team when I was younger-- the whole thing with the teeny tiny tight bathing suits (for the best aerodynamics) with coaches and whatever.  I was a fast swimmer back in the day-- but it never got very seriously competitive.
As a matter of fact: I think my mom never thought of me as very 'athletic' and didn't promote that kind of dedication-- so it didn't make a huge impact on my younger years that I was on this swim team with meets and practices and whatever.


In high school, I was on the Varsity cross country team!! Ha ha.  We had terrible coaches, and I really did that to be with my friends-- I look back on those days of running and see that I knew nothing and had no proper instruction... if only the coach had taken a bit of time to show us HOW to run for distance on uneven ground.  I might have become a runner before my later 20's.  Because I do love running to this very day.

3. When did you start shaving your legs?

I don't really remember-- though I do recall one incident with TRYING to shave my legs and cutting myself TERRIBLY with the razor and scarring my leg. UGH.
4. When you’re in a crabby – pissy – want to stab everyone you see kind of mood – what do you do to get out of it or do you revel in it?


Whenever I never I get into a bad mood, I talk about it-- usually with my husband, often with my mom, and process it with my therapist, who I've been seeing regularly for the past year (though I am going to cut back now that I feel I've made a lot of progress and don't have too much to work on at THIS juncture.)
This is a rather boring answer-- but it is effective.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.



In blogland: I have been keeping an eye out for our Jen, who had her band removed, not too long ago, for Barb, who had surgery to get even more fab, and for Jacquie who transitioned to VSG.  (Can you sense a pattern here?)
I've been reading a lot of blogs but not commenting becuase....


In real life: I've been having A LOT of eye strain and I saw the eye doc yesterday. Guess what: I needed reading glasses for computer and smaller print.
Getting older... sigh.


The cool part about getting the glasses is that I was really kind to myself in choosing and deciding.  I don't meant to sound spoiled, but I just went for it and got the expensive frames (they are from Coach, and they are FABULOUS) with the added bells and whistles of scratch resistance and glare reduction. These were expensive, but since I'll be wearing them often at work, and at home to look at the computer or reach magazines, I wanted to feel good and glam in my glasses.  Here I am... not sure why my forehead looks like such a 'fivehead'-- I actually have a small forehead.  And I'm holding my hair like that b/c I need a haircut!!

159.8... once again...again.

Thanks Blogger autofill-- as I typed in 159.8 -- the convenient 'autofill' feature came to the rescue and filled in "159.8... once again."  I added "...again."
Aren't I clever?

You must be as bored as I am with me being completely stuck right where I am. It's obvious that I need to change something in order to move on down the scale.
I'm tempted by my old ways: join Weight watchers or Jenny Craig again-- I love a quick fix-- and what amounts to (for me) a crash diet.

But I already know that's not a fix at all.  I need a consistent plan for some habit change and I'm not sure exactly what to do. That is not to say that I don't have all sorts of background information about WHAT I possibly do.

I am open to suggestions... so bring them on.

Here are things I don't want to do:
I don't want to give up eating dessert-- but I am willing to set some limits, and maybe plan a PREDICTABLE dessert daily that would ensure I don't 'spend' more than 150 calories on it or something.
I don't particularly want to give up drinking alcohol... it is somewhat therapeutic to the band-- but at the same time- if I simply gave up drinking alcohol DURING THE WEEKDAYS-- I'd probably save myself 1000 calories per week.

Hmmmm.
Perhaps giving up my daily glass of wine after work is the right move?

Here are things I know I ought to do, but they are hard to figure out:
I ought to exercise more-- but when??? (I know this is the oldest excuse in the book, OK?)
I ought to plan ahead and ensure easy proteins to eat, and make certain that veggies and fruits come before any other choices (carbs or sweets.)
I ought to essentially dinner most WEEKNIGHTS, because it seems like the hardest thing to eat anyway.
Stop snacking before bedtime.

Conclusions:  Here are the things that would work best for me-- particularly if focused on during weekdays-- (the weekends are differently challenging):
Eating a tiny dinner
Drinking less or no alcohol during the week
Planning a PREDICTABLE dessert and limiting myself to that only (Like a skinny cow ice cream sandwich-- I can keep those in the house and eat only 1 at a time)
Do a really great brush / floss right after dessert and eat nothing more during the day
Start wearing a pedometer-- and get in 10,000 steps per day-- I believe I am WAY under that.**

So, as is said in Yiddish-- that's the whole Geshickta (the whole story.)  I know that I've been trying multiple things for some time and not making much progress.

I was reading on Amy W's blog where she essentially said "I'm not as motivated now that I'm not as heavy."  Oh yeah: that rings very true for me.  I am very happy with my appearance, and happier that I am lighter and undoubtably healthier in many ways (less stress on the joints, less work for my cardio-pulm system.)
But I haven't reached that elusive 'normal BMI' and I am teetering on the edge of the 160's still.  For me (not for everyone, whose goals differ,)  that normal BMI is a hard target that I am dedicated to reaching.

So I will keep on blogging, keep on keeping on until I figure it out.
Thx for coming along for the ride.  PS: The blogging makes a HUGE difference for me.  It is just a built in habitual self check and way to get support for this journey-- whether the weight is falling off, rising, or stuck.

Edited to add:
** It's amazing what adding a bit of immediate measurement does for me! I put on that pedometer just a few minutes ago, and since I want to hit 10,000 steps today before dinnertime--I immediately started adding ExTRA steps into my little routine to get my coffee.  I ran up and down my stairs a few extra times while it brewed and stuff.

This is the WAY to go!! Wish me luck.

And PS: You may have been wondering what happened to "Runs with dog."  I haven't done one in a while... so I need to either get back the 'runs' or 'walks for exercise' with dog... the key is to get moving.

157.7... and my fathead

My weight is most definitely bouncing around-- and I'd love to say with great confidence that 157.7 is my new low to move beyond.  I did have a VERY light eating day yesterday.
I was crazy busy with my weekday activities (you know 'the place I go'- where things have significantly improved, both because I've adjusted and mostly because I've ACCEPTED things- and some other stuff that I won't go into here...) and barely ate at all during the day.
Up until dinner time:
Coffee w/ milk
2 oz cheese
2/3rd individual pirate booty bag
1 bite of cake (literally 1 bite) at going away party for colleague
1/2 glass of wine
2/3rd of a protein bar

I KNOW this day of eating is neither healthy nor balanced-- but it is the reality of my day. M'kay?
Then, when I got home-- I decided not to eat anything, both because I was genuinely not very hungry and because the 6pm to 8:30pm-ish time is the WORST for me during the week.

I am coming to accept that I may as well just forget trying to eat trying to eat in that zone.
My acceptance led to the protein bar (and you'll see, I only got through part of it!) on the way home.
My logic was that I'd be less tempted to eat if I managed my hunger with a protein that I can reliably eat, even when my band is tightest during the day.

It worked!!

Now: here is where we get into a bit of a mess... later in the evening, I ate another ounce of cheese, and probably an ounce of salami, followed by a small piece of pie.
Why was I eating ???
I was not very hungry-- but feeling a 'habitual' need to eat my 'dinner'... that makes me laugh. Pie, cheese and salami as dinner? What a joke!

Obviously, this is my screwy 'fathead' thinking.  I've long since given up the notion that eating breakfast (or even lunch) is obligatory! Now I need to apply the same thinking to dinner as well.
That is not to say that I am advocating starvation... of course not.

What I am advocating is skipping ANY meal that I'm not really hungry for... and when I feel hungry: going for the best nutritional values.
It is a sad day in my nutritional life when I count the 5 fresh blueberries on my pie from last night a fruit for the day.  Bah!

So: today is a day to do better relative to nutritional eating.
It may come as a complete surprise silly thing to even point out:
When I think ahead and plan-- I eat better things!

For example, the other day, I had a delicious and healthy smoothy for breakfast, which was over 20 grams of protein, a fresh fruit serving and calcium packed.  For lunch, which I brought to work, I had homemade Asian slaw (must give you guys my recipe!!) which consisted of cabbage and dried cranberries (among other ingredients-- but veggies and fruit in there) and homemade Tofu salad with tarragon and lemon mayo. MMMMM.

I forget what I did for dinner, but you get the point-- I planned ahead and got plenty of healthy and varied nutrition.
The moral of the story: Think it through, plan it out, and go for it.  And when you fall, get right back up and move on.
"Fall 7 times, stand up 8."

Keep on going everyone!

The secret of my success

* My original title is right below... but as I wrote this post, it became more about success than failure, and I wanted to highlight that!*

New low syndrome+ 3 day weekend= 161.9 (The new math)
Ugh.  Math has never been a favorite of mine, and the 'new math' of my weight life is as I said in my title.  Combining a 3 day weekend with getting back to a lower weight (157.9 last weigh in) AND avoiding weighing in AND generally eating with a certain amount of abandon (band permitting)= disappointing weight at the scales.

It is not as though I didn't expect a crap weigh in when I got on the scale this morning-- and it took me reading through a few of your blogs before I went and got onto the scale. Thank you!! I figure that if all of you are being accountable, then so should I.

Let me tell you: for me, the scale is the answer to getting too far into denial.  I can tell myself all kinds of lies about why my clothing might not fit, but if the number on the scale is consistently telling the same story: I do believe it.

I completely understand that this technique is punishing and doesn't work and I don't recommend virtually daily weigh ins for everyone.  But for me, it has been a total 'secret to my success' to weigh in most days.

Here is a good example:
My last weigh in was 157.9 on July 2nd, 2011.  What a great day for me! I've been struggling to get out of the 160's and 157ish seems to put my on the map for more permanent residence there.
July 3rd-- no weigh in
July 4th-- no wiegh in
July 5th-- 161.9

I am smart enough and learned enough in my weight journey to know that I didn't put on 4 pounds in 3 days... but I am also wise enough to see when my eating has gone off the rails.  And now I've got the numbers to prove it.  What am I going to do?
Feel 'fat' all day and berate myself for being back in the 160's (AGAIN???)
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am simply going to accept that number and know that I have the skills and capability to put myself back on track and resist the temptations I gave in to over the weekend.
I am going to apply the knowledge and confidence that I've gained in the past year and a half and use my energy positively to get the water weight off.
And I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow ... and hopefully the next day and the next day.

And I'm going to come up with a plan if today doesn't go the way I expect it to... (which I think it ought to-- because on w*rk days, there are less opportunities for overeating in general.)  And I am confident that my weight will come back down.

There is a part two of this whole pollyanna happy shit routine.  And that is the part where I feel worried that I will be stuck at this weight value range (let's call it 158--162) FOREVER.
Interesting, because if given the choice between living in that range and being back where I started (196-203)-- of course I'd choose to be stuck where I am...
Let's call this realization obvious 'perspective.'

So, while I have this perspective on things, and refuse berate myself for being a human being and liking yummy food and enjoying socializing that involves alcohol and salty snacks and desserts... I still need to accept responsibility for myself.  Taking responsibility for me equals the following:
1) Weighing myself regularly (virtually daily without being obsessive)
2) Noticing and responding to any upward trend by reducing my intake of foods that are clearly not adding anything helpful to my eating plan
3) Treating myself with the kindness and respect that I would my loved ones: accepting any mistakes and then ENCOURAGING MYSELF to do better next time. NO SELF PUNISHMENT, REGRETS, OR SELF LOATHING ALLOWED!

I think all of the therapy I've been going through is REALLY sinking in.  I refuse to hurt myself and be mean to myself anymore in my emotional life.
As I've learned through listening to myself talk (and hearing my therapist say "who is talking???" ) when I would say things like "I'm such a loser, I'm so vain, an asshole, jerk, mean person, disgusting... insert negative word here".... I say things to myself that I would NEVER say to my son or to my husband, or to anyone !!
I wouldn't tolerate abusive behavior in someone else, even if they were talking to me!  But somehow, it became my habit over the years to tear myself to shreds inside.  But I've come to realize and actively accept that the world is rough enough and harsh enough as it is.  Why would I ADD to the pain? I'm just a decent human being trying to move through my life and enjoy myself without hurting anyone else in the process .... why sell myself a bill of goods that I am a rotten, worthless pig?

Nope. Not gonna do it.
Instead, I am going to accept the facts, look at ways to change what needs to be changed, and understand  my humanity and my failings.  Sounds a bit like my favorite, the Serenity prayer from AA:
God give me the strength to change the things I can change, the courage to accept the thing I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference....


I've never been an alcoholic -- but I've certainly been a 'negaholic'... and just like drinking to make yourself feel better: being addicted to being self-loathing and negative never got me where I wanted to go.  Relative to my weight struggles:
It was when I accepted my frailty as a human being, my inability to control my weight on my own, and found the courage to seek more help (in the way of WLS) that my life truly turned around in that area.  I never thought about it in this way before-- but that was really what I did when I decided to go for the consultation with Dr. Ren.

OK, so I've seriously digressed.
Back to today and what I need to do to get back on track.
I'm planning a protein filled day-- and will get as much water in as possible!
Will start the day with a 20g protein Fage 2% smoothie with fruit mixed in... and prep some tofu salad for lunch with some fruit.
Dinner? Protein and veg.

Two other tasks for today:
1) Choose non-alcoholic beverages (I have a goodbye party for a colleague at a bar, but will just get water with a splash of cranberry juice)
2) Eat half of a protein bar as a dessert, instead of any other choice I might make to the contrary.

Have a great day, y'all!