My run/ walk

...this am
37 minutes

Memorial Day

Memorial Day intentions...first and foremost-- I want to remember the sacrifices of our armed forces.
I think honoring those sacrifices does not include gorging myself or obsessing about food...

In that vein, things to think about include that we're going to spend some time with my parents...I tend to overeat with them.  Even more challenging: the time will be spent at their house-- and our whole real estate situation (planning a move to NYC, but now UN-planning it because of the real estate market, things still challenging and up in the air...)
I guess the child in me comes out, they stress me out, and there is food there... so:
what to do?

Set the habits, set the rules-- make it a triumph instead of feeling like crap mentally and physically after the visit.
I hereby PROMISE to check in later or tomorrow and say how I did.
So here we go:

THE PLAN:
1) Exercise in the morning before much of anything else happens.  The doggie needs a-walking, so I will get that out of the way early/ first thing.
2) Eating at the table only- obviously, at my parents' house, that is their table... and no snacking anywhere else.
3) No alcohol at my parents house-- it will take out my inhibitions... and I need them.
4) Eat only things that taste DELICIOUS.  Volume is NOT the key, portion control is the way to go.
5) Drink lots of water and non-alcoholic beverages.
6) Planned dessert: strawberry shortcake.  Using angel food cake, fresh berries, low fat whipped topping. A small and enjoyable portion.
7) Journal my food on my blackberry and share it right here!
8) No additional snacking when I get home-- the rule of completing dinner with no snacking is STILL on.

The RESULTS:  to be completed... as of 12:41pm:

1) Exercise in the morning before much of anything else happens.  The doggie needs a-walking, so I will get that out of the way early/ first thing.
Done-- 30 minute run (with a bit of walking interspersed)-- I heart running.

2) BBQ dinner at our place-- Eating at the table only.

3) No alcohol -- it will take out my inhibitions... and I need them.

4) Eat only things that taste DELICIOUS.  Volume is NOT the key, portion control is the way to go.

5) Drink lots of water and non-alcoholic beverages.
It's on! 

6) Planned dessert:  Bought a homemade berry pie-- A small and enjoyable portion.

7) Journal my food on my blackberry and share it right here!
Up until 12:38pm-- haven't journaled on my blackberry, but here is what I've had:
coffee w/ splash of half and half
2 boiled eggs w/ mustard and ~1 tbs reduced fat mayo (post run)
2 small mozzarella balls; 4 olives; 1/4 cup pirate's booty (YES, I am having a small portion after a LONG booty break)

8) No snacking after dinner-- the rule of completing dinner with no snacking is STILL on.

As we head into the weekend...

I read a great article about two thin chefs, here is the link:

DiLaurentiis and Goin  -- and there are a couple of key lessons in the article including portion control, eating what really tastes good only, exercise, and habit control.

I had a total habit slip yesterday, and I know why.  I stopped doing my 'intention setting' on paper, didn't read my book about how to work on converting to new habits etc.  Habits are by necessity INGRAINED-- and so three days of relative success does not a newly formed life make.

But I feel much more confident that huge changes are NOT required of me, just the small but consistent adjustments will do the trick.

Unfortunately: I don't think BLOGGING these intentions really helps me to succeed in them, though it cannot hurt me.  For some reason, I need to set aside some time in the morning of each day and think through the intentions, write it all down, make a plan for the day and go for it.

And that is what I'm planning for today because I feel sick waking up this morning after eating too much last night. UGH.
Onward.

Habit control efforts continue

I am really glad to report that making a few 'small' but significant changes really makes a difference!
It is easy to fall backwards out of habit control-- yesterday got stressful and screwy and I fell backwards a couple of steps... but it was not an epic fail because all I must do is turn my attention back to my new habits.

Here is what I'm doing:
1) Eat only at the kitchen table/ kitchen-- except in situations where we are having a meal in the dining room, restaurant.
Places that are off limits for eating: bed, couch, standing, car, desk
2) Write down what I eat
3) Stop eating after dinner-- brush/ flosh/ rinse-- I am allowed a dessert of 2 ghiradelli 72% (or greater) dark chocolate squares
4) Drink a full glass of water upon rising, before eating, when returning home from work or another place-- a good habit
5) Portion out dinner and no second helpings; eat slow and notice what I'm eating.
6) Make myself important and take care of myself in other ways than eating.
7) Limit alcohol consumption

Each day, I am setting my intentions for the day (based on the day) in writing-- I've done it on a legal pad other days this week... but I probably will come back in a bit and set my intentions here for y'all to see.
They are based on my rules above and my continued reading about habit control.

Habit control/ not diets

Have you ever had a discussion with a person who has essentially been thin for his or her whole life and they claim that they never diet or think much about what they eat-- that they are 'naturally thin?'

Well, I've been thinking a whole lot about the struggle I've been going through lately-- and how I haven't really seen the scale drop-- yet.

And I've been reading some of my classic diet books-- but not looking for a diet this time, looking for the psychological/ habit control/ lifestyle diets info that I know is in there, and I've begun to put together some really helpful stuff that has been right in front of my eyes all along.

I've always wondered (in the back of my mind)-- what is WRONG with dieting? Why can't we just crash diet and get the weight off.  YES: I know that it is because the weight come back and even more on top of it.

But it is kind of like being Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and clicking my heels together 3 times etc-- 'there's no place like home' and there it is: you've just gotten there.

For me, the answers are deceptively simple-- but exceedingly behaviorally complex, until I dig down and decide to WORK.
One realization: this can't be done right without WORK, but the work does not have to be painful-- it is more of an adjustment and a challenge of old habits.  Now for all of you smarty pants out there who have read my blog and keep saying, can I just knock this woman upside the head-- why doesn't she get it???-- I think I am getting it.

There are some real habitual things I am doing that are detrimental to my overall weight goals-- and these are not quick weight drop fixes-- they are LONG TERM solutions that take daily effort.
I won't go into my whole process of figuring it out because you might be bored, but if you want me to share, leave a comment and I will explain what I've been reading to reach these conclusions.

Conclusions, plans, intentions, daily work:
1) As of yesterday, I've begun a daily intentions planner, food journal and am really focusing on re-educating myself on the key items that stand in my PERSONAL way.  I think I've sought a one-size-fits-all approach in my research and we all know that one size fits all typically doesn't really fit perfectly well.
Much better to tailor, right?
2) I've taken a very close look at some habitual food behaviors that I have that absolutely are doing me dirty.  Instead of focusing on what I've done incorrectly, let me tell you the 'new rules' for me:
-- Eating is exclusively limited to these places: dining room table, kitchen table, table in my office, conference room table at work IF I've planned what I'm eating in advance
-- Portions are key: take a reasonable portion (weighing/ measuring is FINE) and enjoy it.  NO SECOND HELPINGS.
-- Stop eating as soon as dinner ends. Brush/ floss/ rinse (move on.)
-- Drink a glass of water upon rising, before eating a meal.
-- Stop drinking alcohol during the week. Period. One drink during the weekend allowed.
-- NO bread baskets.  NONE. NO MORE.
-- No desserts EXCEPT for the following: 2 ghiradelli 72% (or greater) chocolate squares.
[This is a dessert that satisfies, and it is about 100 calories, and I can 'trust' it not to turn into an overeating fest of dessert.  It is my 'out' for wanting dessert.  I'm being human here.]
-- Keep a detailed food journal that includes times of day, hunger level, what I ate, satisfaction, and where I ate.


*If you want to be smart, go ahead and turn these over in your mind and you can see all the shit I've been doing that is wrong.  I've got MANY improvement opportunities here!!
3) Give a lot of time and effort to my intentions-- pay attention to me and do good things for myself that don't involve food.
4) It's OK to be uncomfortable with these changes.

Here are two examples of how I saw #4 in action and it worked out fine-- I didn't 'die' and it wasn't even painful, just a switch from habitual thinking to mindfulness and action:

*On Saturday night, hubs and I went out to our favorite restaurant in the area for dinner. (We are looking forward to a move to NYC, where that kind of remarks is almost like, how could you go to the same restaurant over and over when there are so many places????... but I've digressed)
We agreed beforehand to forego the bread basket and dessert.

So when we got in there and saw the wonderful bread basket, I said to hubs: "Oh, don't you think that since their bread is SO good here, we should just get it."  Thank goodness for hubs who said "Nope, we don't need it-- it will just fill us up and the food here is so great-- let's enjoy that." Atta boy! So that's what we did.
Dessert was easier. We just said no and we didn't have it.
Success!

*Last night, I had set my intention and reviewed it before I walked through the door of my house after work.  Note, this is a major danger time for me-- I am tired, sometimes stressed and just wanting to relax... but yesterday, I had taken the time to think through what would happen when I walked through the door.  I literally planned out the hour (say hellos to babysitter, send her off, greet hubs/ child, change clothes, drink a glass of water, get ready to sit down to dinner at table, eat, stop eating after dinner, no snacking after dinner.)

I am really proud of myself because I couple of challenges presented themselves and I really conquered them:
+ Hubs sat on the couch to eat his dinner while I changed my clothes (our babysitter preps dinner during the week-- we love her.)  I told him: I'm eating at the table, so he joined me there after finishing up what he was eating as I drank a glass of water.
--- I hadn't set the 'second helpings' rule yet, so I did have a second helping, and that is WHY I set the rule! I will improve today.---
+ I did not have a glass of wine, which I might have done typically-- even though hubs was having one and it was just slightly tempting.  That one was pretty easy to 'just say no' to.
+ When dinner ended, I got up and cleared my plate and thought about the chocolate I was allowed to have... but I DIDN'T feel like eating it.
I thought for a few moments that I was giving up that chocolate opportunity because I'd otherwise promised myself to STOP eating after dinner... and I decided to listen to my body and just say 'no.' And guess what: I saved myself that 100 calories!
+ I gave myself a manicure after dinner while hubs and little one played video games.
+ My hubs woke me up getting himself into bed (I always retire earlier with a book)-- and I was SO tempted to go down and get a snack.  I just said no.  I hate to tell you how many times I've said 'yes' to this craving in the past.

So there you have it... the first day of the rest of my life.
This won't be easy, but it also won't be too hard if I dedicate some time to it each day throughout the day.

The thing is that I've become habitually acclimated to doing some very negative habits-- and I must blame the lap band for a bunch of them.  Or myself-- or a combination.
For all the time I spent much tighter than I am now-- I learned that I could eat higher calorie, denser foods because I could 'afford' them.
Now I am adjusted much better and I *think* I have enough appetite control (we'll see-- I may go in for another adjustment after I see how the next few weeks go with this very set plan of habit work) to help myself if I just cut the shit.

Not sure if I am making sense-- but the bottom line is that I no longer need the nightly glass of wine to calm my band down, now that is just adding extra calories and no extra needed benefit.
I no longer can afford to eat a piece of bread with butter or oil to 'treat' myself because everything is hard to get down on the menu and that is satisfying and worth it to me-- I can now eat most things on the menu!
I can no longer afford nighttime snacking because I am loose enough to feel hungry during the day and need to eat real food.

Ugh.  That is a real paragraph for a band hate-monger to get into-- so enjoy!!
I love my lap band, but we are having a little bit of a renaissance.

I am inclined to feel super ashamed of my slipping or falling off or whatever-- but I am just as inclined to give myself a pat on the back for keeping on the track to finding what is going to work as a lifestyle.

I know that there are many who have scoffed at 'mindful eating' and 'lifestyle changes' (myself in my own way and in my own mind) in the past.  I wanted a quicker fix, I wanted to believe that weight loss was all about cutting calories down to a minimum.

And it is.  But it isn't.

I am running on here- but this is the last thing I want to say today: YES, weight loss is all about a numbers game, get those calories lower than your basic needs and you will lose weight.
BUT, consistency is the hobgoblin here-- and there is an expression that goes "A FOOLISH consistency is the hobgoblin of SIMPLE minds."
I might change that to say "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of unchallenged/ unaware minds when it comes to weight loss"-- and that is my problem.

My foolish consistencies are listed above:
Eating in the wrong places, drinking alcohol daily, eating desserts, eating the bread basket, not paying close enough attention to portions, not taking good enough care of myself emotionally and substituting food as a comfort

But I am going to do everything I can to excuse myself.  I had my reasons-- and when you know better, you do better.  And I am not going to put myself in the blame game of "how could I be back in this space? why didn't I ever learn?"-- because what is the point?
As we've all said countless times: if weight loss was easy, we'd have all done it already and kept all the weight off.

Shame stands in the way of those of us who have gained some weight and don't know what to do when the magic wears off of our bands.  And I say 'screw you, shame-- you won't make me go back!'  Instead: I'm digging in and using all of my best intellectual guns to assess myself and change.  And that's where it is at today.

Pretty sore today-- but trainer talk still resonating

Have I mentioned that I did a handstand? I am so impressed with my bad self... but my mom reminder me that I can do a cartwheel (multiple cartwheels in fact) -- so what's the diff?

I guess the difference is that I didn't know my 'own strength'-- and doing that 'feat of strength' gave me a lot of confidence yesterday.
I had a very good eating day yesterday-- and I kept my promise to myself and wrote everything down.

I am really talking to myself and saying that I am worth it.
In my head: I definitely veer towards the practical and not wanting to spend extra money or throw away leftovers.. guilt is talking there.  Except: it does NOT service my purposes and it doesn't help anyone-- it HURTS me if I don't eat really well and spend what I need to do on GOOD and healthy food that fuels my body.

I am keeping my eye on the WORK aspect of things-- I think that I've avoided that concept for a while.  It was 'easy' for me to lose the weight from the perspective of planning food, thinking ahead and tracking... I didn't do those things in my FIRST weight loss phase.

But now I've entered 'phase 2' of my program.  Really now.
And that means tracking what I eat-- each bite and being honest.  And it means taking responsibility for my choices in a different way-- and it means spending the TIME on myself that I haven't been spending.  The effort, the emotional energy.

I also want to clarify something that Steph asked me about/ noted in my comments-- and I thank her for her comment.  It was very helpful to make me think about what I am doing and why.

Steph said that I ought to really focus on my fitness and my health rather than my weight number on the scale... and I see where she is coming from.
Perhaps my previous blog sounded like I would be unhealthy to be thin-- but that is not what I meant.

What I meant was that I am trying to be very clear about my goals.
I have been down this road before and set goals about my fitness and then LOST my focus on my goal to lose weight.  And the number on the scale IS just a number-- but it is not the only way that I assess my size.  I can see in the mirror that I am carrying more weight than I have in a while-- I can see those 5 extra pounds-- or whatever.  My clothes fit, but they are tighter than they were.  I FEEL heavier-- my boobs feel bigger and they (gross) stick together more when I am overheated.

I used to talk myself out of these indicators and go into denial and continue weight gain... but I am glad to say: I am no longer in that space.
I am really proud that I got the trainer-- that was a HUGE first step but it cannot be done in isolation and that was the meaning of my discussion with him yesterday.

What is the point of increasing my fitness if I don't lose weight if that's what I want?  I won't be able to get a lot fitter and see progress as quickly if I don't let my body shed the extra weight-- and 'letting' my body shed the extra, or 'shifiting' the weight takes a lot of effort... my body wants to hang onto the weight-- let's be real!
In a stressful environment, we are driven to eat-- our appetites increase due to cortisol coursing through our bodies... but I also have a brain and I can talk back.
I can also feed my body regularly to help myself stay strong and avoid 'cravings.'  And I need to know that cravings are a stress response-- it is not 'psychological' for me-- it is true hormonal hunger, and it is exacerbated by my age.

These are ALL things that in my control if I pay attention.  And that is up to me and if I exert myself (because it is work-- repeating myself) I CAN do this.

Oh: and I guess I could run in and see whether I can get another adjustment-- but I don't think that's the trick.  I think I've been struggling for some time to come to terms with the WORK that is needed... and somehow, it feels like it has clicked. I hope I can hang in there with that work.

Watch me!

Training day 2 and great discussion with trainer

I am on it.  I haven't entirely straightened out my eating-- but my trainer was SO helpful today.
We had a great session-- and I did a handstand (!!) WOW.
Also burned lots of calories and sweated.

We were joking around about an expression my trainer heard once...  "sweat is your fat crying" (No he was not calling ME fat... by the way-- I heart my trainer, he is totally supportive.)

Anyhow: at the end of our session, he asked me "So, how's your eating going?"
That was all, nothing to make me feel defensive or shitty.  Just an honest and up front question.

And I admitted it. Not good. Not good at all.

So he advised me, and very respectfully and in a way that totally worked for me:
Track your food-- track your calories (duh, right?)
AND: he said-- Why are you spending money on this if you're not going to fuel your body right? You are just throwing all of your work down the drain?

Again: this was said more respectfully than how I am reporting it, but those are my takeaways... here is a bulleted list, because you know I love the bullets:

1) There is just no point in having personal training at a cost of (very reasonable, I think) $90 a session and working my ass off if I don't lose the weight I want to lose.  BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FITNESS NEARLY AS MUCH AS I CARE ABOUT MY WEIGHT. There I said it-- don't shoot me-- it's damn true.
2) I need to think before I eat (duh) and think: "What will what I'm eating DO for my body." Eat like the fit person I really want to be.
3) I need to get motivated to lose weight. REALLY.  He senses I am not and that I need to make that decision... again, delivered gently but realistically. Tx Trainer.
I have the WANT to -- but I need to accept that there is REAL WORK involved.  I need to work hard, it will not fall off at this point.
I think that WORK piece has gone out the window-- I want it to NOT be work-- but it damn well is and it is HARD and that is OK.  But not to give up. NOT OK TO GIVE UP.
4) I need to figure out my caloric limits and stick with a plan-- every calorie counts. WRITE IT DOWN.  DON'T DO ANYTHING DRASTIC AND UNSUSTAINABLE (Like go on a 'diet'-- do something that works in the long run.)
5) I know what to do- -now I need to do it.
6) Taking care of ME needs to take some precedence-- no excuses about taking care of everything ELSE but me.
7) Quit snacking, especially at night.  Eat when HUNGRY and don't restrict eating when I am hungry. Go for fruit or veggies... these are essentially unlimited (because I don't EVER overeat on fruit. NOT my problem)

OK-- enough of the T0ny R0bbins h0tline.  I'm off ... but doing really great today.  And I've logged every ounce of food I've eaten and am dedicated to doing BEST by me.

Training day one, eating plans and the zoo

Here I am before my training session:

Pre training session 5/12/12

Pre training session 5/12/12

So training was GREAT! It was a great interval training, kick boxing, and using my own body resistance-- no weights were used.

I had fun and my next session with him will be Thursday. I am planning one interval run in the morning.

I decided to stay moving so I wouldn't be more sore than I needed to be.. we made plans to go to the zoo with friends and got some good pictures.

The family... like this picture a lot!

Hubs and me

Guess what? I am sore as anything today-- I am planning a nice epsom salt bath and some good stretching-- and also a walk today.  Gentle stretching.  I am planning to return to fitness WITHOUT injury.

As for diet adjustments: I've decided that a first important change to turn myself around is to cut out all unnecessary carbs and sweets... so that was my first step yesterday.  I will be working on other things as I move along-- but I figure that limiting down the extra sugars will help with cravings and help me cut some calories without feeling overly restricted while I up my workouts.  

For now: I'm cutting out bread, pasta, rice, cookies, cake, candy, any kind of sugary sauces (like ketchup, thousand island dressing, teryaki sauce.)

Instead: I'm focusing on lean proteins, veggies, fruit, cheese, olives, nuts.

I'm not limiting amounts for now-- but trying for reasonable portions and paying attention to portion size and stopping before getting stuffed.  All of the above: tall order, so one day at a time.

Whatever: I'm not doing a 'diet' -- just trying to eliminate trigger foods as I improve my fitness routine as well.

Wait to see more muscles and less fat!

OH: and PS: I am waiting just a few days before getting on the scale... I will be watching clothing fit carefully this week, and plan to weigh in no later than end of next week... but I don't want to get discouraged by fluctuations from initially working out and muscles retaining water and such.  More weight news to follow.

The trainer is in the station...

So my dear hubs set up the trainer for me, just as I asked-- and he worked fast too: my first training session is at 9am on Saturday morning.  I will be training 2 times per week with him-- Saturday mornings and then an alternating day during the week depending on my schedule.  I will then follow through with my own workouts the rest of the time, but hopefully with guidance (and accountability) from my new trainer!

Fortunately for me, I know my trainer already, he is our Tae Kwon Do Master and he is a 7th degree black belt. Check him out on our camping trip below...

What are you thinking when you see this photo?
Here are my thoughts:
- I don't know if you can tell, but this trainer of mine is over 6 feet tall, pretty much is made of pure muscle (look at his guns for cripe's sake) and could kick any of our asses (including mine).  He has the requisite six pack and is really a tough dude.
- He is a handsome guy too, used to be a model--but now is a full time proprietor of our martial arts school... and a friend of ours.
-He is actually really a good guy, and someone I like to be with and whom will hopefully help to guide me back into a much better level of fitness again.

The thing is that when I was doing Tae Kwon Do, I didn't lose any weight-- that is what typically happens for me if I am doing a major exercise pursuit-- because I get focused on the activity and I throw diet caution more to the wind.

But this is my first extended plan for personal fitness training and I am now setting my goals.  Here they are:
1) I want to lose 10 pounds in 8 weeks.
2) I want to be able to do 20 push ups (full out, not the modified kind) by the end of 8 weeks.
3) I want to be regularly fitting in at least 45 minutes of interval/ cardio training at least 2 times a week (with the 'reach' goal of 3 times per week) by the end of 8 weeks.

What do you think of these goals ? Any suggestions/ changes/ thoughts?
I'd like your feedback... am I being ambitious enough? Too ambitious? Is it a bad idea to set a weight loss goal since I may be building muscle?

Your comments will really be welcomed.

Oh, and I will have hubs take 'before' pictures for me on Saturday morning.

I am excited to bring on a new level of fitness and muscle tone!

Camping trip comparison shots... and working on setting up the trainer

Hey y'all, back from a camping trip with our martial arts school-- did one last year and this year:

June 2011-- @ 159 lbs

May 2012 -- @ 163 lbs

I give you each of these shots because it is really funny to see that I am sitting by a campfire HOLDING A GLASS OF WINE-- but that is how I roll.  And, they are relatively comparative, except one is head on (this year) and last's year's is side on... I think the one from the side is more flattering.

I find neither of the shots exceedingly flattering-- but I'm trying to compare and see if I see much difference.
(I wish I were sitting up straight in each of these shots!!)
I looked back in my blog, and based on my captions-- I'm about 4 pounds heavier this year. Ugh-- and I can see those 4 pounds if I am being honest.
That's a good news / bad news scenario.
Good news: I can actually see a 4 pound difference-- looking heavier with 4 more pounds.
Bad news: I am 4 pounds heavier than last year (though holding steady at this higher weight for some time now and keep trying to get it off)...

Such is life.
I don't mean that I am being in any way complacent... I am not.. in fact, I asked hubs to get me that personal trainer I've been thinking about as a gift for M0ther's Day.  So it begins.
More to follow as we sort the trainer out... but I think I'll get a 'series' of training sessions at 2 times per week for 6 to 8 weeks to start.  Goal will be to lose weight, get stronger, increase muscle tone.

Just want to say: I had a great time on the camping trip-- AND I had much less problems with my band than I recall having on that same trip last year.  So: perhaps a looser band means a bit more weight for me until I sort out how to get this weight off but a better and easier quality of life.

All things to consider.

Just pay attention... a little

Now, I don't have any guarantees, but it seems like my simple plan to just pay better attention, drink a lot more water, avoid eating unnecessary sweets, adding some more yummy nuts (yes-- calorie dense, but very satisfying and protein filled!) and eating a healthy dinner... is working.

I didn't get on the scale this morning-- but weighed myself using my clothes.
I didn't weigh this morning because I did another favorite trick of mine before dinner last night: I had a nice big cup of broth based soup (Miso soup) before my sushi dinner.

I also respected my band-- while I was considering eating different things on a sushi menu, I decided on a tuna dish that I KNOW works with my band.  I ate it slow and respectfully to my body.  THEN: I stopped 2/3rds of the way through because it was enough. NOT because I 'wanted' to stop as much as I realized 'I ought to stop because I've had enough to satisfy myself and it's just enough.'

This gives me hope -- I really HAVE learned some things and am able to turn myself around without a crazy diet.

I know that if I were to add strenuous exercise back-- I know that the weight would begin to shift off-- but where oh where do I find the time, energy and ability to train myself in this way?
I am kind of wondering whether I ought to get a personal trainer... hmmmm.  I know this sounds so absurdly spoiled of me, can't I just exercise on my own?  But I know that I don't know how to do it on my own and manage my diet SO-- perhaps, perhaps.

What I'd be looking for in a trainer would be someone who would come in to my home, train me once a week, give me an exercise program and help me set the right limits-- AND someone who would understand that I cannot overdo it or I will start over eating. Hmmmm.  More thinking.
Actually: I may know someone who could help me-- but I have to think this through.  Our Tae Kwon Do teacher might be perfect... let me see about this.

More to follow (sorry for the thinking out loud!)

Rewarded...

Hey all: I am having a stressful annoying day! But at least I am alive and well, right?  It is just "w*rk" annoyance stuff-- I really hate how people act sometimes, and that is all I'm going to say about that.

I got on the scale this morning and was at a surprising 163.3.
Didn't I just say how I didn't weight in for a few days out of fear? And that I'd been stress eating?
Well: it is a new day where 163.3 looks a whole lot better to me than 166 or 168 or whatever I was recently at that scared the SHIT out of me.

So, I'll take it, though, as per usual-- I am not the weight I want to be.
As I said yesterday: I wish I were different, I wish the band had worked magic that it evidently has NOT worked for me.
I am NOT cured of anything-- I am still left with me and all of my eating foibles.

Ah well.
Yesterday WAS a MUCH better eating day-- I focused on eating RIGHT and the cleanest things I could eat. I drank a lot of water and I was careful-- I suppose that is why the scale swung into reasonable numbers (that and my recent fill which got me down off of a scary new high).

Jacqui and Gen: I hear you exercise sisters... I hear your feedback and that I need to get my tushy in gear and REALLY moving in order to see the next set of results.  You are so right-- it is just that I do not have the energy or the time to engage myself right now in a major exercise program.  I am really hoping that as I fix my commuting issues (over time) that I will genuinely find more time for exercise program.

In the plan to move back to NYC (that's the plan you know)-- I want to be a runner again.  But I know I'll need to work up to that... oh: and I want to go to S-0-ul Cy-cle... have you heard of it?  Our friend Catherine55 knows about it and one of the branches of this crazy fun exercise place where you can spin your butt off to the tune of burning 800 to 1000 calories in an hour's time is right in the neighborhood where I'd like to move.

Ha!
It would be simple to set up this move and find the right place-- really-- that is not the issue. The issue is the sale of our home, in this shit-ass market, it is looking BAD.  We've had 2 sets of people come in and see it so far and it's been on market for a week.  BAD sign (from my perspective.)
SHIT SHIT SHIT.

The other concern that I have is that my hubs is now commuting into the city daily and HATES it like SIN.  He is not a tolerant commuter to begin with- and that is where we came up with the move idea, but I also really like it.

Another note that is stressing me-- but actually kinda shouldn't: I had some important meetings this week that could have the potential to result in changes to my day to day place I go... but now it is out of my hands entirely, the competition is totally fierce-- and it will come down to a bunch of factors that I have no control over.  I did my best to swing the decision in my favor-- but it is not at all a lock.  Le sigh.

Right now, I think I would be best to focus on the things I CAN control:
-Eating right
-Working to get more exercise in
-Staying sane in a daily way by recognizing the various stresses my family and I are under, and hanging in there when I feel overwhelmed
-Eating right and avoiding stress eating which ultimately makes me feel worse (I had to say it twice, it is that important.)

I'm going to run off now-- but wanted to share a bit of a whine session with y'all-- you are such good and loyal friends and readers and I love you for that. Please know that I am trying to read up on your blogs and comment back whenever I can!

Stress eating, habit control and other musings

I've been stress eating. There, I said it.
Funny: I haven't gotten on the scale this week-- and I am not planning to this morning because I have an important meeting today and I don't want the scale to 'tell me' to feel worse than I already feel.

Here is what I do know:
I used my clothing indicators (I have jeans and several pairs of pants that are unforgiving that I use to 'weigh' myself when nervous about getting on the scale)-- and these tell me that I am in the same basic vicinity I was just days ago.
But I know to watch out-- the clothes are not as precise and I know that I've just been stress eating and eating when I am not hungry.

That's a big band indicator for me: when I eat when I am NOT hungry-- that is the meaning of stress eating for me, because with the band, and at least for me: I actually literally feel UN-hungry and don't even feel like eating sometimes, and Yet, believe it or not: yesterday, I overcame that feeling and ate dinner anyway because I wanted the comfort of having a meal with my family.

OK, at least I know this is going on.

And if you know me well, you'll know that my trust psychiatrist of 15 years would be kinder to me and say "you are under stress, and when you feel better you will do better" because that is one way to look at it. Trust me: he is not saying 'go turn into a big balloon and suddenly put on 10 pounds.'
Rather: I think the message he always tries to instill in me (or bring out in me) is a sense of kindness and forgiveness to myself so that I can turn myself back around.

I am pissed off.
Why am I struggling AGAIN????
I wish for the early days of the band when I would worry if I were too loose or too tight and it was new and fresh... instead of now, where I have to take lots of responsibility and be really present with the band and it is harder to do.

Well, I guess, as I've been saying for a while: the shine has come off and what I am left with is the very real help that the band gives me AND myself to help myself.

I'll tell you: eating sugary things and not thinking before I put things into my mouth and eating for comfort are ALL WRONG.  These things do not make me feel better, I feel worse in every way.  It is such a weird dichotomy because I feel better in the 2 seconds that I am doing it (don't you all relate???) but I have regrets and I am still healthy enough to feel like CRAP from eating crap. That's a good thing.
It is my body reminding me that I need to eat right to feel right.

Here is an upside:
Since my hubs went back to work this week, I have taken on the early morning responsibility of 'walkies' for our dog.  That means a 25 minute (or a bit more) walk with our dog around our hilly neighborhood-- so I am getting more exercise than I was... this is good for the soul and for the heart muscle.  It is not strenuous, but it is at least some activity-- so I am glad for it.

NOW: I will move on to today with the following reminders:
1) I can do this and I know just what to do
2) Listen to my body-- I am actually really wanting to do the right thing physically, but emotionally struggling and turning to a 'bad old friend' (food) to help me when that is not the thing that will help!
3) Drink lots of water and decaf tea-- coffee to a lesser extent. Drinks are good and despite the anti-drinking rhetoric, I do feel more full when I drink more... it is not a diet lie.
4) Exercise today-- I have the time in my schedule and it makes me feel good. Don't OVER do it to make up for sins earlier in the week.
5) Protein to begin the day when hungry and ready for something to eat. Eggs with cheese probably...protein through the day-- small portions, chewed well. Pay attention to how I am feeling.
6) Evening time: planned protein with veggies and plan for a 'dessert' of a protein bar so that I can 'go with ' my desire to have something at night... this is a healthier option

So, there it is, a plan.

And my final reminder to myself: Food is fuel, not a friend-- and while food is to be enjoyed-- for me, it is a trap to begin to 'use' food as a comfort. I THINK it is making me feel better to eat and comfort myself, but that is just a lie that my body, when craving sugar that I've been overdoing, begins to YELL in my ear.  I need to turn that volume back down and do the rational thing-- stop the overdoing, stop the sugar, fix the blood sugar levels and stabilize myself with some simple rational attention to myself.

When I am in a rational space, unconfused by crazy blood sugar swings-- food and eating are just a part of my existence-- but the more I allow for food to 'take over'-- the worse everything feels.

Just. remember. that.