Amy from Babbles from a Bandster blog: Amy's babbles... wrote an excellent and very 'therapy thinking' oriented post that I loved.
She and I are both super analytical people, and I'd be willing that she's spend some time in "I hate myself jail" over just how analytical she is... join the club, girlfriend.
But it gave me an idea, and one that we can work on together as blog friends. A "Question of the Week" for us to think about and write about (or we don't have to be that organized about it... ) but the idea is to get us thinking about the deeper rooted items that have led us into the weight problems and that could lead us PERMANENTLY out.
I know we'll all lose weight, but we all know the dangers of gaining it back-- so Amy's question from her therapist (which I'm paraphrasing) is:
"What do you want your life to look like once you've lost the weight?"
In fact, I may be taking some major liberties by adding the phrase "once you've lost the weight"-- but heck: this is my blog and I'll do what I feel like. I AM CRANKY, FEED ME.
Oops, the liquid diet just piped up.
Sorry, I've digressed.
So back to the question: "What do you want your life to look like once you've lost the weight?"
I'll have to leave it at the question for now, b/ c I am at work and I just got a call...
good ole ticker...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
4 more days-- and I keep chugging along... I HATE THIS PRE-OP DIET
I am like the bad attitude lady now! Officially... I HATE the preop diet with all my might and even though I hate it, I'm following it.
I'm confronting food as foe in this whole thing (at least for now) and seeing that I have "NO CHOICE." That's what I keep telling myself-- follow the plan, follow the plan, rinse repeat. And follow the plan some more.
Soon, band day will be here and I will be up for a whole new set up of exciting challenges-- none of them (I hope) as miserable as starving myself, feeling fat and hopeless and bleh.
Today my weight was 196.3.
It is really hard for me to say where my weight started out on this pre-op diet, but I'd imagine it was around 203 or something, maybe as a temporary water weight high after Jamaica. My actual 'weight' was probably around 199, so I would picture I've truly lost a couple of fat pounds in there from the average of around 1200 calories per day for around 7 days or so...
Hard to say b/c I haven't been extremely consistent until the last few days.
That's annoying, my lack of consistency has resulted in confusing results at the scale. I'm pretty sure it would be fair to set a 'starting weight' for my brain at 197, 198, or 199-- b/c I have seen all of these numbers recently and it really is just academic anyway. I think that maybe I'll be 'vain' about it and say that I'm 'starting' at 197. And then I can go from there. There I said it: my official start weight is 197.
Now I will go find a ticker and start using it!!
I'm confronting food as foe in this whole thing (at least for now) and seeing that I have "NO CHOICE." That's what I keep telling myself-- follow the plan, follow the plan, rinse repeat. And follow the plan some more.
Soon, band day will be here and I will be up for a whole new set up of exciting challenges-- none of them (I hope) as miserable as starving myself, feeling fat and hopeless and bleh.
Today my weight was 196.3.
It is really hard for me to say where my weight started out on this pre-op diet, but I'd imagine it was around 203 or something, maybe as a temporary water weight high after Jamaica. My actual 'weight' was probably around 199, so I would picture I've truly lost a couple of fat pounds in there from the average of around 1200 calories per day for around 7 days or so...
Hard to say b/c I haven't been extremely consistent until the last few days.
That's annoying, my lack of consistency has resulted in confusing results at the scale. I'm pretty sure it would be fair to set a 'starting weight' for my brain at 197, 198, or 199-- b/c I have seen all of these numbers recently and it really is just academic anyway. I think that maybe I'll be 'vain' about it and say that I'm 'starting' at 197. And then I can go from there. There I said it: my official start weight is 197.
Now I will go find a ticker and start using it!!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Why is this such a fucking struggle?
I HATE this pre-op diet. Fortunately, I am almost there with the end of the day-- I was CRYING before from the anxiety that I felt about not being able to eat what I wanted to eat. Not from hunger, I don't think... from anxiety about not being able to satisfy the craving with food.
Shit. Things may be worse than I thought.
I keep using the cognitive technique of saying to myself "NO CHOICE" -- which takes the debate out of the situation-- I WON'T CHEAT on this diet today. Just one day at a time.
Shit. Things may be worse than I thought.
I keep using the cognitive technique of saying to myself "NO CHOICE" -- which takes the debate out of the situation-- I WON'T CHEAT on this diet today. Just one day at a time.
5 Days to go... again, up at a weird hour
I am pretty sure that this band eagerness/ anxiety is screwing with my sleep and generally causing me to feel a bit anxious. I also think that the 200 mg of wellbutrin I am taking is too much and while my husband is telling me to wait to talk with my psychiatrist (next appointment, post band)... I actually skipped my PM dose last night.
Bad girl. He gets mad when I do stuff like that-- so I will be a good girl and follow his advice and wait to cut back until I talk to the doctor.... The problem is that post band, taking the pill is a going to be a production number. It is quite bitter and actually NUMBS my mouth if I just dissolve it in some water!!! Argh.
I don't know if I am repeating myself, but I've figured out a way to get it down 'band style.' I dissolve it in some chai tea-- which covers the bitterness, and it also takes out the concern about a pill getting stuck. But the idea of doing that 2x per day is totally agonizing!!! Ick.
Are you all still crushing pills-- is this for a lifetime? I kind of think it is a lifetime thing b/c a pill could get stuck at any time if you're restricted, right? Humbug.
On another note: yesterday was a good pre-op day-- I stuck to shakes during the day, and decided on an egg white omelette with 1/4 cup low fat cheese and some low fat cold cuts spread with a little hummus for dinner. I did snack after dinner and had a bit more cold cuts, but as I figure it, I believe I was no more than 1200 to 1300 calories for the day MAX. That is HUGE progress for me and also the fact that I am not freaking out about it is huge.
I am going to have to find the middle ground with this band-- I've realized that I won't wake up thin (I didn't really THINK this anyway) and there will be emotional work all along the way. But my confidence is MUCH stronger now that I am essentially following the pre-op diet to the letter.. not to mention that I can see my weight dropping.
Now it's just 5 more days until I wake up on band day... I am not sure if I've been consistent in HOW I am counting the days, but what I mean is that I have Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun.. 5 days-- and then on Monday, I wake up, go to hospital and come home banded!!
Can hardly wait to get past that scary hurdle and also get onto the seemingly LESS restrictive post op diet. I know it is all liquids, but you can get super creative without as much guilt, it seems.... the preop diet in my world is just supposed to be protein shakes with a limit on veggies/ fruits.
Post op-- liquids: have at it.
Of course: I will want to try to keep the calories at or under around 1200 to keep on with weight loss... but I am looking forward to pureed veggie soups (I make them homemade) and maybe some other yummy liquified options. Maybe I am delusional about post op-- but it sounds much less bad than pre-op. It also seems that the stress of waiting for the surgery is finally done and that is such a relief.
I've got other stuff going on too, but I will have to post later... I am sick of typing. Suffice it to say: we got our bird (Friday) and I will have to post pictures.. .and I hate my job again. My boss is acting like an asshole lately. Annoying.
Grrr.
When will I be winning that damn lottery anyway????
Bad girl. He gets mad when I do stuff like that-- so I will be a good girl and follow his advice and wait to cut back until I talk to the doctor.... The problem is that post band, taking the pill is a going to be a production number. It is quite bitter and actually NUMBS my mouth if I just dissolve it in some water!!! Argh.
I don't know if I am repeating myself, but I've figured out a way to get it down 'band style.' I dissolve it in some chai tea-- which covers the bitterness, and it also takes out the concern about a pill getting stuck. But the idea of doing that 2x per day is totally agonizing!!! Ick.
Are you all still crushing pills-- is this for a lifetime? I kind of think it is a lifetime thing b/c a pill could get stuck at any time if you're restricted, right? Humbug.
On another note: yesterday was a good pre-op day-- I stuck to shakes during the day, and decided on an egg white omelette with 1/4 cup low fat cheese and some low fat cold cuts spread with a little hummus for dinner. I did snack after dinner and had a bit more cold cuts, but as I figure it, I believe I was no more than 1200 to 1300 calories for the day MAX. That is HUGE progress for me and also the fact that I am not freaking out about it is huge.
I am going to have to find the middle ground with this band-- I've realized that I won't wake up thin (I didn't really THINK this anyway) and there will be emotional work all along the way. But my confidence is MUCH stronger now that I am essentially following the pre-op diet to the letter.. not to mention that I can see my weight dropping.
Now it's just 5 more days until I wake up on band day... I am not sure if I've been consistent in HOW I am counting the days, but what I mean is that I have Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun.. 5 days-- and then on Monday, I wake up, go to hospital and come home banded!!
Can hardly wait to get past that scary hurdle and also get onto the seemingly LESS restrictive post op diet. I know it is all liquids, but you can get super creative without as much guilt, it seems.... the preop diet in my world is just supposed to be protein shakes with a limit on veggies/ fruits.
Post op-- liquids: have at it.
Of course: I will want to try to keep the calories at or under around 1200 to keep on with weight loss... but I am looking forward to pureed veggie soups (I make them homemade) and maybe some other yummy liquified options. Maybe I am delusional about post op-- but it sounds much less bad than pre-op. It also seems that the stress of waiting for the surgery is finally done and that is such a relief.
I've got other stuff going on too, but I will have to post later... I am sick of typing. Suffice it to say: we got our bird (Friday) and I will have to post pictures.. .and I hate my job again. My boss is acting like an asshole lately. Annoying.
Grrr.
When will I be winning that damn lottery anyway????
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
7 days to go: I'm FINALLY sticking to the pre-op diet-- My weight in pictures (abbreviated... )
Yes: my scale has been all over the place b/c I've been not sticking to pre-op as I've been intended to-- but I've truly recommitted and this morning it is starting to get into more 'expected' ranges...
196.9
It has actually been getting to some scary territory for me (as if my weight being what it is isn't scary enough.) That is not to judge anyone else-- it is really using my weight as a yardstick, not as a tool to bash or shame me or anyone else.
When I think back to my lowest weights, it goes like this:
123-- All time adult low weight in 2001 (I had been through a rough depression and deliberately didn't eat so I could lose weight. Then I got 'new' eating habits that were a little bit/ possibly eating disordered-- OR-- just eating the way a thin person eats. The reason I say eating disordered is that I was very afraid to regain the weight. Ha ha on me.
Even though I was so afraid to regain the weight, that when people started asking me "are you OK?" and "you look SOOO thin, are you getting into some eating disorder"-- I was driven to eat, almost like a way to prove I was OK.
Do you see why I am afraid of dumb peoples' comments now???
I don't know if I have a SINGLE picture of myself at that weight. Damn.
Anyhow--
In 2001, I quickly put back around 13 pounds, and met my husband to be at 136 pounds.
I looked really good! That is a nice weight for me, but I have my goal set as 123 b/c I would like to see how it looks and to see IF I can ever attain that weight again. Obviously, I'll need to adjust if it is ridiculous and we're talking probably about a year from now.
Here I am in a picture, around 137 pounds, but in my 20's (in 1994, pictured with my sister, sorry for the poor quality.) In my 20's I danced between 143 and 137 through alot of working out and not that much eating... grad school etc. This picture was taken as a series for my sister's wedding announcement, and my mom had a photo shoot thrown in for the 2 of us as well....at the time, I didn't like the pictures so much, I look so dark. But now I think I looked very pretty.
But I've digressed:
At 136, met my husband and began the happy eating dance. We ate and drank and fell in love and had a grand old time. I exercised alot and did what I could to hold off weight gain, but by the time of our wedding 1 year later, I was back at my more typical weight for my adulthood: 155. 155 isn't such a bad weight for me either. Depending on the day, I measure in at 5'4 or almost 5'5 -- and I am muscularly built-- I seem to carry weight pretty well.
This is me on our Honeymoon (summer 2002.)
^^^Who is that skinny bitch?? I HATE her! (just kidding.) I cannot believe I was at all dissatisfied with myself at that weight. Goddamn fucking society. If I just had maintained at that weight and not constantly tried to lose-- I wouldn't be in this position I am today. Argh.
Wedding shots--- again, sorry for the quality, these aren't scanned, but pictures of pictures-- one day I WILL scan them...
155 isn't such a bad weight for me either. Depending on the day, I measure in at 5'4 or almost 5'5 -- and I am muscularly built-- I seem to carry weight pretty well. In my wedding dress, which was so flattering, I look super great b/c my hips and butt are totally forgiven by the full skirt!!
Anyhow: so I was 155 at our wedding and looked really great. The picture below is of me about a month before we got married, at someone else's wedding. Of course I felt fat. Go figure (grrrrr.)
Anyhow: we got married in 2002, and by the end of 2003, my weight was up to 165 pounds. We went away on a trip to Arizona as of New Years' of that year, and we played tennis daily and worked out alot and ate lightly-- I probably lost around 3 pounds and felt a little better.
Then I had foot surgery and, while I am not sure if this is a fair contributor, I think so, my husband had some personal issues that scared me, and I found myself at 170 by the time I got pregnant in 2004.
I cannot tell you what my all time high weight was when I was pregnant, I didn't get on a scale in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but I know that when I came home from the hospital, I weighed over 200 pounds (maybe 203.
This was July, 2004.
I dieted my way down to 185 at that point -- I got to 185 by October and was stuck in that range for the next few years... here I am at 185ish (this was taken on Thanksgiving 2008.)
At the end of 2005, I engaged a Nutrtionist and lost weight to 165 again.... only to gain it back and up to 174.
I got my current job in the end of 2006, joined Jenny Craig and lost weight to 158 in 3 months from 174ish. As soon as I started eating normal food again-- bam, the weight came right back and I've essentially been gaining since then.
I saw the numbers gradually creep from 2007-- up to 179, then to 185 by summer of 2008, and then to the 190's this past summer, on our way to a black tie event for my work. Below are 2 shots that are from June 2009-- the one with my husband is one that I really don't fancy-- look at the size of my arm... and the one on the right is just a much more flattering angle. I hadn't decided on WLS surgery yet....(also a funny note: the one with my husband is taken at my parents' home, and on the right, at my home-- they are both townhouses and similar.... they almost look like they are taken in the same place, to me. But they are not.)
The decision to have weight loss surgery came about sometime in August and September of 2009-- and unfortunately, because I was to have surgery in September (and it got cancelled due to a virus I had in my FINGER-- I KNOW!!)-- I put on a couple of pounds in the intervening months.
I believe I was around the weight I am RIGHT NOW when I first went to see Dr. Ren, and she said I was a candidate that same day (self-pay.)
So: there you have it.
Let the losses continue...
196.9
It has actually been getting to some scary territory for me (as if my weight being what it is isn't scary enough.) That is not to judge anyone else-- it is really using my weight as a yardstick, not as a tool to bash or shame me or anyone else.
When I think back to my lowest weights, it goes like this:
123-- All time adult low weight in 2001 (I had been through a rough depression and deliberately didn't eat so I could lose weight. Then I got 'new' eating habits that were a little bit/ possibly eating disordered-- OR-- just eating the way a thin person eats. The reason I say eating disordered is that I was very afraid to regain the weight. Ha ha on me.
Even though I was so afraid to regain the weight, that when people started asking me "are you OK?" and "you look SOOO thin, are you getting into some eating disorder"-- I was driven to eat, almost like a way to prove I was OK.
Do you see why I am afraid of dumb peoples' comments now???
I don't know if I have a SINGLE picture of myself at that weight. Damn.
Anyhow--
In 2001, I quickly put back around 13 pounds, and met my husband to be at 136 pounds.
I looked really good! That is a nice weight for me, but I have my goal set as 123 b/c I would like to see how it looks and to see IF I can ever attain that weight again. Obviously, I'll need to adjust if it is ridiculous and we're talking probably about a year from now.
Here I am in a picture, around 137 pounds, but in my 20's (in 1994, pictured with my sister, sorry for the poor quality.) In my 20's I danced between 143 and 137 through alot of working out and not that much eating... grad school etc. This picture was taken as a series for my sister's wedding announcement, and my mom had a photo shoot thrown in for the 2 of us as well....at the time, I didn't like the pictures so much, I look so dark. But now I think I looked very pretty.
But I've digressed:
At 136, met my husband and began the happy eating dance. We ate and drank and fell in love and had a grand old time. I exercised alot and did what I could to hold off weight gain, but by the time of our wedding 1 year later, I was back at my more typical weight for my adulthood: 155. 155 isn't such a bad weight for me either. Depending on the day, I measure in at 5'4 or almost 5'5 -- and I am muscularly built-- I seem to carry weight pretty well.
This is me on our Honeymoon (summer 2002.)
^^^Who is that skinny bitch?? I HATE her! (just kidding.) I cannot believe I was at all dissatisfied with myself at that weight. Goddamn fucking society. If I just had maintained at that weight and not constantly tried to lose-- I wouldn't be in this position I am today. Argh.
Wedding shots--- again, sorry for the quality, these aren't scanned, but pictures of pictures-- one day I WILL scan them...
155 isn't such a bad weight for me either. Depending on the day, I measure in at 5'4 or almost 5'5 -- and I am muscularly built-- I seem to carry weight pretty well. In my wedding dress, which was so flattering, I look super great b/c my hips and butt are totally forgiven by the full skirt!!
Anyhow: so I was 155 at our wedding and looked really great. The picture below is of me about a month before we got married, at someone else's wedding. Of course I felt fat. Go figure (grrrrr.)
Anyhow: we got married in 2002, and by the end of 2003, my weight was up to 165 pounds. We went away on a trip to Arizona as of New Years' of that year, and we played tennis daily and worked out alot and ate lightly-- I probably lost around 3 pounds and felt a little better.
Then I had foot surgery and, while I am not sure if this is a fair contributor, I think so, my husband had some personal issues that scared me, and I found myself at 170 by the time I got pregnant in 2004.
I cannot tell you what my all time high weight was when I was pregnant, I didn't get on a scale in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but I know that when I came home from the hospital, I weighed over 200 pounds (maybe 203.
This was July, 2004.
I dieted my way down to 185 at that point -- I got to 185 by October and was stuck in that range for the next few years... here I am at 185ish (this was taken on Thanksgiving 2008.)
At the end of 2005, I engaged a Nutrtionist and lost weight to 165 again.... only to gain it back and up to 174.
I got my current job in the end of 2006, joined Jenny Craig and lost weight to 158 in 3 months from 174ish. As soon as I started eating normal food again-- bam, the weight came right back and I've essentially been gaining since then.
I saw the numbers gradually creep from 2007-- up to 179, then to 185 by summer of 2008, and then to the 190's this past summer, on our way to a black tie event for my work. Below are 2 shots that are from June 2009-- the one with my husband is one that I really don't fancy-- look at the size of my arm... and the one on the right is just a much more flattering angle. I hadn't decided on WLS surgery yet....(also a funny note: the one with my husband is taken at my parents' home, and on the right, at my home-- they are both townhouses and similar.... they almost look like they are taken in the same place, to me. But they are not.)
The decision to have weight loss surgery came about sometime in August and September of 2009-- and unfortunately, because I was to have surgery in September (and it got cancelled due to a virus I had in my FINGER-- I KNOW!!)-- I put on a couple of pounds in the intervening months.
I believe I was around the weight I am RIGHT NOW when I first went to see Dr. Ren, and she said I was a candidate that same day (self-pay.)
So: there you have it.
Let the losses continue...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Up all night... officially 7 days to go
A quick post for the 3am crowd-- I am up and need to get back into my bed around now... the computer is addictive and I have been going to bed super early to avoid any extra nighttime eating.
I'm feeling more confident that I can now do this-- so here we go again today.
5 Shakes planned.... will spread them through the day and I can do this.
Just 7 days until band day!!! Yipee!
I'm feeling more confident that I can now do this-- so here we go again today.
5 Shakes planned.... will spread them through the day and I can do this.
Just 7 days until band day!!! Yipee!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
S-U-C-C-E-S-S... that's the way you spell...success!
I shouldn't speak too soon-- b/c it is just 5:30-- but I have 2 shakes left to go today and I will have a very good day in the bag!
I am feeling mentally stronger and more 'game on' about things now.
I will report back tomorrow with just 7 more days until 'band day!' I cannot believe how close it is...
I am feeling mentally stronger and more 'game on' about things now.
I will report back tomorrow with just 7 more days until 'band day!' I cannot believe how close it is...
Something to chew on-- not food
Yesterday, I watched an episode of "Intervention" (on A+E Television) featuring "Allison" who was addicted to 'huffing' chemicals. For any of you not familiar with the show, "Intervention" is a documentary style program that follows 1 or 2 addicts during an hour episode. As with all television, it is fairly formulaic in the editing. The addict is "tricked" by A&E into being in a documentary about addiction-- they 'do not know they will soon face an intervention.'
A very insistent sounding theme music is used throughout each episode, with a xylophone sound in the background doing a scale repeatedly-- meant to portray the agony of the addict and the family.
Here is the formula:
The show begins with the addict or his/ her family members introducing themselves by name and spelling of name.
"I'm Allison. A-L-L-I-S-O-N."
Then the fun/ horror begins. The addict's life story is quickly summarized in voiceover, childhood pictures, and stark descriptions on the screen:
1) Addict has a decent childhood-- up to a point
2) Something bad happens
3) Addict is exposed to drug or drugs of choice
4) Hell spiral ensues and gets worse and worse
Next, viewers get to watch the addict in all of his or her glory- using said drugs of choice and doing all manners of destructive behavior, be it cutting/ self-mutilation, shooting up drugs, prostitution... you get the drill. Simultaneously, the intervention is planned. The addict is invited to a 'final interview' and is filmed walking innocently to the intervention/ ambush site.
At this point, the show diverges with different types of endings, depending on how difficult the intervention is... but the intervention is almost always successful. The addict gets packed off to a chosen rehab center. Here is the payoff: the end of the show usually shows the addict in recovery, looking 20 billion times better and talking briefly about sobriety.
Here is part I of "Allison's Intervention"-- the rest can also be found on Youtube, but I'm too lazy to paste all of the links!
Before I go any further, I have to say that I am usually horrified and upset by this show. So much so that my husband gets irritated with me for watching it and has practically tried to 'ban' me from watching "Intervention" because I wind up crying, sometimes for an hour, after some of the more heart-wrenching episodes. But watching the show is a bit like watching a train wreck or 'rubber-necking' with car accidents. You want to look away, but a fascination with the human condition draws you in.
For me: Hearing the theme music to the show literally makes me nauseous and is an effective appetite suppressant (NOT JOKING.)
So, I never imagined that there are actual people who MOCK these episodes and the participants-- but low and behold, there are. It is amazing and makes me wonder if:
a: these people are sick and twisted for laughing at this kind of agony
b: I am a chump for feeling so drawn into this stuff and the mockers are right: the addicts are just attention whores and people who are laughable and should just die already
Below, I've pasted 2 different links: one that takes Allison's difficulties seriously (Orchid Recovery,) and one blog link that really cuts into Allison (I'mbringingbloggingback.)
http://www.orchidrecoverycenter.com/blog/intervention-and-follow-up-video-allison/
http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/08/allison-chick-from-intervention-with.html
I'm, well, I'm um, kind of speechless.
I guess I'm fairly certain that the mockers are the wrong ones here-- and whether Allison or any addict is an attention whore is basically academic anyway. I believe the complaint with Allison is that 'huffing' chemical inhalants isn't considered a true 'addiction.' But anyone would have to agree that it is self destructive, correct? We're talking 10 cans of computer duster inhaled a day by this girl!!
Allison seems to be a classic "borderline personality" type, with self-destructive behavior, difficulty sustaining relationships, lots of black and white thinking, and a history of childhood trauma. Perhaps that is what promoted all the ire from the audience (borderlines usually make people VERY angry when their behavior is observed, since it is so classically hurtful and selfish towards others....)
Why is all of this so fascinating to me right now?
As you probably know, I am a hyper-analytical person. The way I choose to understand the world is by seeing it through my own experiences... this helps me to understand what the hell is going on.
I have to say that seeing these varying reactions to Allison's intervention gave me a larger world view. It made me realize that I cannot be stuck in my restrictive little bubble of experience, since there are so many different ways to look at things.
Relating it personally back to my own experience of myself-- I see that when people tell me that I am brave and determined about my upcoming WLS, I realize, woah: there really is a different perspective and perhaps my view of myself as a failure is quite mistaken. In this way, I'm glad I got to see these opposing views of something that seemed so cut and dried to me. Viva la difference, I suppose.
A very insistent sounding theme music is used throughout each episode, with a xylophone sound in the background doing a scale repeatedly-- meant to portray the agony of the addict and the family.
Here is the formula:
The show begins with the addict or his/ her family members introducing themselves by name and spelling of name.
"I'm Allison. A-L-L-I-S-O-N."
Then the fun/ horror begins. The addict's life story is quickly summarized in voiceover, childhood pictures, and stark descriptions on the screen:
1) Addict has a decent childhood-- up to a point
2) Something bad happens
3) Addict is exposed to drug or drugs of choice
4) Hell spiral ensues and gets worse and worse
Next, viewers get to watch the addict in all of his or her glory- using said drugs of choice and doing all manners of destructive behavior, be it cutting/ self-mutilation, shooting up drugs, prostitution... you get the drill. Simultaneously, the intervention is planned. The addict is invited to a 'final interview' and is filmed walking innocently to the intervention/ ambush site.
At this point, the show diverges with different types of endings, depending on how difficult the intervention is... but the intervention is almost always successful. The addict gets packed off to a chosen rehab center. Here is the payoff: the end of the show usually shows the addict in recovery, looking 20 billion times better and talking briefly about sobriety.
Here is part I of "Allison's Intervention"-- the rest can also be found on Youtube, but I'm too lazy to paste all of the links!
Before I go any further, I have to say that I am usually horrified and upset by this show. So much so that my husband gets irritated with me for watching it and has practically tried to 'ban' me from watching "Intervention" because I wind up crying, sometimes for an hour, after some of the more heart-wrenching episodes. But watching the show is a bit like watching a train wreck or 'rubber-necking' with car accidents. You want to look away, but a fascination with the human condition draws you in.
For me: Hearing the theme music to the show literally makes me nauseous and is an effective appetite suppressant (NOT JOKING.)
So, I never imagined that there are actual people who MOCK these episodes and the participants-- but low and behold, there are. It is amazing and makes me wonder if:
a: these people are sick and twisted for laughing at this kind of agony
b: I am a chump for feeling so drawn into this stuff and the mockers are right: the addicts are just attention whores and people who are laughable and should just die already
Below, I've pasted 2 different links: one that takes Allison's difficulties seriously (Orchid Recovery,) and one blog link that really cuts into Allison (I'mbringingbloggingback.)
http://www.orchidrecoverycenter.com/blog/intervention-and-follow-up-video-allison/
http://imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com/2008/08/allison-chick-from-intervention-with.html
I'm, well, I'm um, kind of speechless.
I guess I'm fairly certain that the mockers are the wrong ones here-- and whether Allison or any addict is an attention whore is basically academic anyway. I believe the complaint with Allison is that 'huffing' chemical inhalants isn't considered a true 'addiction.' But anyone would have to agree that it is self destructive, correct? We're talking 10 cans of computer duster inhaled a day by this girl!!
Allison seems to be a classic "borderline personality" type, with self-destructive behavior, difficulty sustaining relationships, lots of black and white thinking, and a history of childhood trauma. Perhaps that is what promoted all the ire from the audience (borderlines usually make people VERY angry when their behavior is observed, since it is so classically hurtful and selfish towards others....)
Why is all of this so fascinating to me right now?
As you probably know, I am a hyper-analytical person. The way I choose to understand the world is by seeing it through my own experiences... this helps me to understand what the hell is going on.
I have to say that seeing these varying reactions to Allison's intervention gave me a larger world view. It made me realize that I cannot be stuck in my restrictive little bubble of experience, since there are so many different ways to look at things.
Relating it personally back to my own experience of myself-- I see that when people tell me that I am brave and determined about my upcoming WLS, I realize, woah: there really is a different perspective and perhaps my view of myself as a failure is quite mistaken. In this way, I'm glad I got to see these opposing views of something that seemed so cut and dried to me. Viva la difference, I suppose.
8 days to band day
For any of you who have little girls, I did a little shopping in "Justice" yesterday at the mall. It is a 'tween' store-- and I went in there to get myself some small bangles for calorie counting. Here is the link for the store, kinda hard to believe I was shopping for myself in there!
http://www.shopjustice.com/
I love this 'bangles' as a cue idea, and while I tried it yesterday, it still wasn't a perfect day.
I am still working out the details...
Today's plan: I have 5 bangles on my right wrist, and each represents a shake that I will have today. Each time I have a shake, I will move a bangle over to my left wrist... when the bangles are gone off my right wrist: that is the end of the eating day. This is a true simplification b/c I know my shakes have enough protein in them-- and even if I add PB2 (yum!) for flavoring-- they all end up being less than 200 calories. The milk or ff creamer I put in coffee is negligable -- so I am not going crazy over that.
This is meant to make things as simple as possible in terms of keeping track and calorie counting. It is also meant to be a visual reminder of where I am and how much more there is left for the day...
I hope it works out, I like the gimmick in my head....
Whatever happens: surgery is coming, just 8 days to go. I must keep from thinking that there is any magic in the band-- I know there isn't, and it will be about me being disciplined in the first several weeks. I know my surgeon puts a bit of fill (at least that's what she said at my consult) in the band at the time of surgery... so I can hope that my appetite will be curtailed with the swelling, etc. And so the initial curtailment of my appetite (let us pray) could help build my confidence to be able to stick to liquids for the 10 days post surgery.
I know it is not an option NOT to stick to liquids for the first 10 days-- since serious pain and consequences could ensue. I will stick to the post-op diet to the letter, and the sooner I am able to stick to the pre-op diet to the letter (again) the better I'll feel about post op.
This post is boring. Sorry!!
http://www.shopjustice.com/
I love this 'bangles' as a cue idea, and while I tried it yesterday, it still wasn't a perfect day.
I am still working out the details...
Today's plan: I have 5 bangles on my right wrist, and each represents a shake that I will have today. Each time I have a shake, I will move a bangle over to my left wrist... when the bangles are gone off my right wrist: that is the end of the eating day. This is a true simplification b/c I know my shakes have enough protein in them-- and even if I add PB2 (yum!) for flavoring-- they all end up being less than 200 calories. The milk or ff creamer I put in coffee is negligable -- so I am not going crazy over that.
This is meant to make things as simple as possible in terms of keeping track and calorie counting. It is also meant to be a visual reminder of where I am and how much more there is left for the day...
I hope it works out, I like the gimmick in my head....
Whatever happens: surgery is coming, just 8 days to go. I must keep from thinking that there is any magic in the band-- I know there isn't, and it will be about me being disciplined in the first several weeks. I know my surgeon puts a bit of fill (at least that's what she said at my consult) in the band at the time of surgery... so I can hope that my appetite will be curtailed with the swelling, etc. And so the initial curtailment of my appetite (let us pray) could help build my confidence to be able to stick to liquids for the 10 days post surgery.
I know it is not an option NOT to stick to liquids for the first 10 days-- since serious pain and consequences could ensue. I will stick to the post-op diet to the letter, and the sooner I am able to stick to the pre-op diet to the letter (again) the better I'll feel about post op.
This post is boring. Sorry!!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
9 days to Band Day-- another day, another try
First, I want to give a shout out to my husband, who is my best friend in the world, the most wonderful support, and a person I cannot imagine living without. I am totally addicted, in all seriousness. I am so lucky, and he is cute also, see:
Anyhow, he made a comment on my blog-- and since I invited him to read it quite some time ago-- I now know he is looking at it and absorbing as well.
Once I get past the embarrassment of him knowing what I might weigh on any given day (it's just a number, not a declaration of my morality or anything)... I am glad that he can read up when he wants to see some of my more inner demons (at least at the moment.) So honey: if you are reading this, have at it. I know you are suffering this pre-op hell right alongside me. I am a total bitch at times.
That being said, it appears that I am suffering from a bit of PMS to make matters SO MUCH WORSE. No wonder I am in a double terrible mood, feeling upset and angry and oversensitive. I don't know about you all, but for me, the PMS beast can make me quite the unreasonable person. I believe I had a bit of a PMS episode last night with my dear husband, in fact. He was flipping through the channels on TV and found "Confessions of a Shopaholic" for me and said something like, "I bet you'll like this movie. I'd like to see '-----insert name of some war movie with complex plot and lots of violence here-----'so I'll watch that another time. I know you don't enjoy following complex and fast moving movies..."
Whoops!!! Did he just say I was stupid? Well: at least that is what my addled brain heard and I got really mad and stayed huffy for the rest of the night. Maybe that's why he checked my blog? To see if I was plotting to poison him or something? Ha ha, just kidding!!
Well, I do think that his remark was a tad insensitive-- my husband knows just about everything about everything (which can be a little challenging to me at times.) I think of myself as intelligent, but he just knows a lot of things I do not know. What's the difference, you may ask (and I am sure he would ask with a puzzled attitude... after all, there are a fair few things that I know all about that he doesn't' know about.) Harumph.
Here's the real rub: While I am fairly assured that I am a bright person, I am feeling terribly insecure right now and really bad about myself-- all centered on my weight, but it permeates everthing, at least to some extent. Poor hubby. I'll seriously try to snap out of this funk for his sake and the sake of my adorable son.
Sigh.
On a positive note: I created an online food journal blog that I can just email whatever I've eaten since I literally go everywhere (I mean even to the bathroom, I know TMI!!!) with my blackberry. I have a meaningful relationship with that device. I know that keeping a food journal is a very simple, but effective and powerful way to help with weight issues.
The critical piece for me is actually ADMITTING to whatever it is that I am eating. I am hoping that the addition of the blackberry honesty will give me NO excuses NOT to note whatever I am eating and that it might even stop me from eating things that I don't feel good about-- simply because I won't want to post them up. In other words: I'm trying to commit to journaling everything I put into my mouth from here forward.
** Caveat emptor: I didn't say I'd be perfect, I will try it.**
We'll see, I've made alot of plans and none have worked out thus far... one step at a time. At least I'm still plugging away, right?
Anyhow, he made a comment on my blog-- and since I invited him to read it quite some time ago-- I now know he is looking at it and absorbing as well.
Once I get past the embarrassment of him knowing what I might weigh on any given day (it's just a number, not a declaration of my morality or anything)... I am glad that he can read up when he wants to see some of my more inner demons (at least at the moment.) So honey: if you are reading this, have at it. I know you are suffering this pre-op hell right alongside me. I am a total bitch at times.
That being said, it appears that I am suffering from a bit of PMS to make matters SO MUCH WORSE. No wonder I am in a double terrible mood, feeling upset and angry and oversensitive. I don't know about you all, but for me, the PMS beast can make me quite the unreasonable person. I believe I had a bit of a PMS episode last night with my dear husband, in fact. He was flipping through the channels on TV and found "Confessions of a Shopaholic" for me and said something like, "I bet you'll like this movie. I'd like to see '-----insert name of some war movie with complex plot and lots of violence here-----'so I'll watch that another time. I know you don't enjoy following complex and fast moving movies..."
Whoops!!! Did he just say I was stupid? Well: at least that is what my addled brain heard and I got really mad and stayed huffy for the rest of the night. Maybe that's why he checked my blog? To see if I was plotting to poison him or something? Ha ha, just kidding!!
Well, I do think that his remark was a tad insensitive-- my husband knows just about everything about everything (which can be a little challenging to me at times.) I think of myself as intelligent, but he just knows a lot of things I do not know. What's the difference, you may ask (and I am sure he would ask with a puzzled attitude... after all, there are a fair few things that I know all about that he doesn't' know about.) Harumph.
Here's the real rub: While I am fairly assured that I am a bright person, I am feeling terribly insecure right now and really bad about myself-- all centered on my weight, but it permeates everthing, at least to some extent. Poor hubby. I'll seriously try to snap out of this funk for his sake and the sake of my adorable son.
Sigh.
On a positive note: I created an online food journal blog that I can just email whatever I've eaten since I literally go everywhere (I mean even to the bathroom, I know TMI!!!) with my blackberry. I have a meaningful relationship with that device. I know that keeping a food journal is a very simple, but effective and powerful way to help with weight issues.
The critical piece for me is actually ADMITTING to whatever it is that I am eating. I am hoping that the addition of the blackberry honesty will give me NO excuses NOT to note whatever I am eating and that it might even stop me from eating things that I don't feel good about-- simply because I won't want to post them up. In other words: I'm trying to commit to journaling everything I put into my mouth from here forward.
** Caveat emptor: I didn't say I'd be perfect, I will try it.**
We'll see, I've made alot of plans and none have worked out thus far... one step at a time. At least I'm still plugging away, right?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Hmmm, not so perfect at all...
Well, another not perfect day, but at least I'm getting some practice in being imperfect.
I am not going to get too analytical, I am sick of analyzing it: it is simple-- I have shitty eating habits and I need the band as a tool to help me.
I KNOW when I am post-op that I will follow the instructions for fear of hurting myself-- but for some reason, the preop perfection I'd hoped for is elusive.
Ah well: so it looks like I may be at a start weight very close to current weight-- probably around 195 or so... with a goal of losing something around 70 pounds (though a loss of 50 pounds would be perfectly acceptable.)
One day at a time for now.
I posted a before shot onto my blog (in my 'gadgets') for comparison purposes, and I do hope that many months from now, when someone else considering the band surgery is reading this struggling period-- that they can take some hope from knowing that I succeeded-- even if I wasn't perfect AT ALL with the very difficult preop period.
Here I am today, about to go out to see the Chipmunks movie with my husband and son (can you guess who chose that movie?)... These are your typical unflattering shots and I do hope that I'll be looking a lot better sooner rather than later.
I am not going to get too analytical, I am sick of analyzing it: it is simple-- I have shitty eating habits and I need the band as a tool to help me.
I KNOW when I am post-op that I will follow the instructions for fear of hurting myself-- but for some reason, the preop perfection I'd hoped for is elusive.
Ah well: so it looks like I may be at a start weight very close to current weight-- probably around 195 or so... with a goal of losing something around 70 pounds (though a loss of 50 pounds would be perfectly acceptable.)
One day at a time for now.
I posted a before shot onto my blog (in my 'gadgets') for comparison purposes, and I do hope that many months from now, when someone else considering the band surgery is reading this struggling period-- that they can take some hope from knowing that I succeeded-- even if I wasn't perfect AT ALL with the very difficult preop period.
Here I am today, about to go out to see the Chipmunks movie with my husband and son (can you guess who chose that movie?)... These are your typical unflattering shots and I do hope that I'll be looking a lot better sooner rather than later.
10 days to go until Band Day
I don't want to speak too soon-- but I think it is time for me to get very serious and 'just do this thing' with the pre-op diet. I know I've been waxing and waning-- but the momentary relief of eating solids (except veggies which I will, of course, allow) is followed up by too much guilt.
I have 10 days to CREATE pre-op 'success' and today is day one of making it happen. I was totally successful the first time around-- until my surgery got cancelled. I did 7 days straight with mimimal heartache and bellyaching and I think it is time to put my big girl boots on get this this ON.
As I recall how I was successful in my first pre-op attempt, I split up drinking my shakes through the day, and I was never without a liquid. I just constantly drank no cal beverages and kept my stomach from grumbling. I also think that I just considered that "It's not an option" and "It's only food" as serious mantras.
So... with 10 days to go, I am back on the track and can prove to myself that it is is only food and that I can do this... I know with each right choice, I will feel better.
Onward.
I have 10 days to CREATE pre-op 'success' and today is day one of making it happen. I was totally successful the first time around-- until my surgery got cancelled. I did 7 days straight with mimimal heartache and bellyaching and I think it is time to put my big girl boots on get this this ON.
As I recall how I was successful in my first pre-op attempt, I split up drinking my shakes through the day, and I was never without a liquid. I just constantly drank no cal beverages and kept my stomach from grumbling. I also think that I just considered that "It's not an option" and "It's only food" as serious mantras.
So... with 10 days to go, I am back on the track and can prove to myself that it is is only food and that I can do this... I know with each right choice, I will feel better.
Onward.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Day 4 of 14/ almost done... realization
I am glad for this pre-op period because I am realizing something important about the whole perfectionism/ diet mentality/ band expectations stuff.
In my heart, I think I had hopes of some magical transformation once I began the pre-op diet-- I would suddenly get all the discipline back that I used to have in my 20's for 'dieting,' I would be perfect, this would go without a hitch, etc.
The truth is that this is my experience to have and to own. I need to get through the next 10 days with grace and follow the best pre-op plan that I can-- the focus being on keeping calories at or below 1000 (or as close as I can get,) at least 50 grams of protein and less than 35 grams of fat.
I was very reassured by my internist today, who examined and finally cleared me for surgery!! Yay!
He said that I am in excellent health and thinks I will do really well... he felt for my liver and told me he couldn't palpate it-- a good sign, meaning it is not enlarged. This is my big fear for the surgery (now gone)-- I want the surgery to be as easy as possible for the surgeon. (He also said my LFT's were totally normal, more to the point of a healthy liver.)
So: I will never be perfect in this journey (you all know that already) and it will have its ups and downs. I get it that the preop period is pretty rough to follow... and I imagine that post op won't be magical either. I do hope that the major motivation of having had the surgery will keep me on the straight and narrow with the liquids for 10 days AFTER surgery. That: or fear of hurting myself by NOT following instructions.
I know I must follow the post-op diet to the letter to allow myself to heal-- so I'll need to get over myself about the liquid diet by then.
In any case, high hopes for success over here, mixed with fear and eagerness to change. You can only change one day at a time, so I guess I'm on the way with that learning process....
Oh: and last but not least-- I'll need to take some pictures of the new workout area in our basement, once the treadmill arrives! I can hardly wait-- I was so psyched down there today with my boys (husband and son) that I began some light weight lifting. It will be fun to work out it my space there-- especially with the new large screen TV!! (I got the Sex and the City DVD set for my bday, so I cannot wait to watch all of those favorite episodes again!)
Well: I hope you all are having a lovely Christmas eve and enjoying family or mass or whatever special things you're doing.
Hope to hear from all of you on your blogs soon!!
In my heart, I think I had hopes of some magical transformation once I began the pre-op diet-- I would suddenly get all the discipline back that I used to have in my 20's for 'dieting,' I would be perfect, this would go without a hitch, etc.
The truth is that this is my experience to have and to own. I need to get through the next 10 days with grace and follow the best pre-op plan that I can-- the focus being on keeping calories at or below 1000 (or as close as I can get,) at least 50 grams of protein and less than 35 grams of fat.
I was very reassured by my internist today, who examined and finally cleared me for surgery!! Yay!
He said that I am in excellent health and thinks I will do really well... he felt for my liver and told me he couldn't palpate it-- a good sign, meaning it is not enlarged. This is my big fear for the surgery (now gone)-- I want the surgery to be as easy as possible for the surgeon. (He also said my LFT's were totally normal, more to the point of a healthy liver.)
So: I will never be perfect in this journey (you all know that already) and it will have its ups and downs. I get it that the preop period is pretty rough to follow... and I imagine that post op won't be magical either. I do hope that the major motivation of having had the surgery will keep me on the straight and narrow with the liquids for 10 days AFTER surgery. That: or fear of hurting myself by NOT following instructions.
I know I must follow the post-op diet to the letter to allow myself to heal-- so I'll need to get over myself about the liquid diet by then.
In any case, high hopes for success over here, mixed with fear and eagerness to change. You can only change one day at a time, so I guess I'm on the way with that learning process....
Oh: and last but not least-- I'll need to take some pictures of the new workout area in our basement, once the treadmill arrives! I can hardly wait-- I was so psyched down there today with my boys (husband and son) that I began some light weight lifting. It will be fun to work out it my space there-- especially with the new large screen TV!! (I got the Sex and the City DVD set for my bday, so I cannot wait to watch all of those favorite episodes again!)
Well: I hope you all are having a lovely Christmas eve and enjoying family or mass or whatever special things you're doing.
Hope to hear from all of you on your blogs soon!!
Day 4 of 14/ I have a little secret
I have a bunch of things to tell you all and I don't even know where to begin.
Let me first say: Merry Christmas to all of my friends who celebrate!!! I hope you all have the most lovely times with family and friends and that your Christmas wishes come true.
Being Jewish, it has always been sort of a mysterious holiday to me-- Chanukah doesn't compare AT ALL! I had friends in high school who would get every single thing that they'd wanted all year on Christmas day, so I know how exciting and what sort of anticipation Christmas must bring. To adults, you must have so many memories of festivities of your childhood to draw on to add to the cheer.
I want to acknowledge that for some, Christmas time can be rough, with the many expectations that you MUST be happy and cheery-- so for any of my friends out there who feel the pressure, no worries, in a day it will be coming onto New Year's-- and I know alot of us will be focusing our energies on some great goals for 2010.
So, here is my little secret:
I'd love to train to be a chef-- a natural foods chef sounds just about right for me now, at the speed I am going in my life.
I love to cook and will begin to share some great recipes as I run out of steam complaining about my diet and the preop stuff and whatever AND as I begin to lose weight.
I love to flavor and I love to share the gift of food with others-- particularly cooking healthy meals for my family and myself.
My hope is that with the band, I will be able to partake of this cooking joy and work to make my favorites in the most delicious and healthful way-- focusing on local and seasonal ingredients (it's globally responsible too!).
Now that my husband is going to get his consulting business off the ground, I have this fantasy that I will eventually be able to quit my job and maybe train as a natural chef.
As I consider it, I know what I can do to facilitate that fantasy, and it doesn't involve cooking school-- perhaps as a treat, I will engage Gabrielle Brick (who is a raw foodist) or some other special cooking instructor to give me some lessons in healthy cooking that will work for me.. Brick is probably the wrong person, because she is about RAW food. Raw food fascinates me, but I don't think I'd be really into ditching meats and ditching heating food in general.
I saw Gabrielle Brick on the "Secret Lives of Women: extreme diets" show. I've linked her blog so you can take a look. Another option would be someone like Bethanny Frankel, who, of course, would probably be far too expensive for me now that she is hugely famous from "The Real Housewives of NYC." But she is a natural foods chef and obviously has the 411 on how to eat and stay thin. I have her book, I couldn't resist buying it a while back b/c it fits very well into the whole 'band' idea.
Frankel's concept, which I've written about before, I believe, is "TASTE everything, EAT nothing" and "your diet is a bank account"-- so basically, she advises only putting the most quality things in your mouth and if you love something, order it in a restaurant or whatever: but limit yourself to 3 bites.
I need to pull out that book for some tough love.
I hate that being thin means deprivation and I am looking for the magic bullet that will help me feel less deprived. I know that the band is going to help me with this-- but I really want to also take advantage of the next year to completely change my relationship with food.
Here's to the 4th day of 14 days of pre-op-- I am definitely on the way.
Let me first say: Merry Christmas to all of my friends who celebrate!!! I hope you all have the most lovely times with family and friends and that your Christmas wishes come true.
Being Jewish, it has always been sort of a mysterious holiday to me-- Chanukah doesn't compare AT ALL! I had friends in high school who would get every single thing that they'd wanted all year on Christmas day, so I know how exciting and what sort of anticipation Christmas must bring. To adults, you must have so many memories of festivities of your childhood to draw on to add to the cheer.
I want to acknowledge that for some, Christmas time can be rough, with the many expectations that you MUST be happy and cheery-- so for any of my friends out there who feel the pressure, no worries, in a day it will be coming onto New Year's-- and I know alot of us will be focusing our energies on some great goals for 2010.
So, here is my little secret:
I'd love to train to be a chef-- a natural foods chef sounds just about right for me now, at the speed I am going in my life.
I love to cook and will begin to share some great recipes as I run out of steam complaining about my diet and the preop stuff and whatever AND as I begin to lose weight.
I love to flavor and I love to share the gift of food with others-- particularly cooking healthy meals for my family and myself.
My hope is that with the band, I will be able to partake of this cooking joy and work to make my favorites in the most delicious and healthful way-- focusing on local and seasonal ingredients (it's globally responsible too!).
Now that my husband is going to get his consulting business off the ground, I have this fantasy that I will eventually be able to quit my job and maybe train as a natural chef.
As I consider it, I know what I can do to facilitate that fantasy, and it doesn't involve cooking school-- perhaps as a treat, I will engage Gabrielle Brick (who is a raw foodist) or some other special cooking instructor to give me some lessons in healthy cooking that will work for me.. Brick is probably the wrong person, because she is about RAW food. Raw food fascinates me, but I don't think I'd be really into ditching meats and ditching heating food in general.
I saw Gabrielle Brick on the "Secret Lives of Women: extreme diets" show. I've linked her blog so you can take a look. Another option would be someone like Bethanny Frankel, who, of course, would probably be far too expensive for me now that she is hugely famous from "The Real Housewives of NYC." But she is a natural foods chef and obviously has the 411 on how to eat and stay thin. I have her book, I couldn't resist buying it a while back b/c it fits very well into the whole 'band' idea.
Frankel's concept, which I've written about before, I believe, is "TASTE everything, EAT nothing" and "your diet is a bank account"-- so basically, she advises only putting the most quality things in your mouth and if you love something, order it in a restaurant or whatever: but limit yourself to 3 bites.
I need to pull out that book for some tough love.
I hate that being thin means deprivation and I am looking for the magic bullet that will help me feel less deprived. I know that the band is going to help me with this-- but I really want to also take advantage of the next year to completely change my relationship with food.
Here's to the 4th day of 14 days of pre-op-- I am definitely on the way.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Day 3 of 14/ so much for no chew...
Well, at least I am getting better at being imperfect and caring less about the whole thing. Taking it all in my stride.
This evening, instead of protein shakes, I suppose you could say I "cheated"-- because I ate lowfat ham, turkey and cheese (and 2 pickles) for dinner instead of liquid diet. Bad girl-- but so what?
Honest to god, I am pretty sure that this draconian pre-op diet is going to send me off the deep end and that it is very hard to follow. I didn't go on a pizza binge or McDonalds or have cake-- so I don't think it is a full on crime scene here.
Tomorrow, I'll do my best to go back to the no chew rule-- it worked for a couple of days.
I also know in my heart of hearts that I was going to have my surgery in September (with the very same surgeon) and she was OK with 10 days of pre-op diet. That is not to say that I don't want to follow the instructions until 10 days pre-op... but still.
I'm also thinking that I may experience some serious bandster hell if this is what it is like on the pre-op diet.
The post op portion of events (see Yana's blog too-- she and I have the the same surgical practice) is 10 days of liquids POST op, followed by 10 days of mushies, and THEN a return to regular food on post-op day 21.
One day at a time, that's the best I can do-- and I have to believe I am in some good company here-- there are loads of folks who struggle with the pre-op diet and do just fine afterwards in 'band land' right?
A positive note on my plan for success:
We're almost finished setting up our basement as a very good functional gym -- we got a 50 inch screen TV which we'll set up tomorrow (I'm taking the day off to see my primary doc to get final medical clearance...) and our brand new treadmill is being delivered on Tuesday! It goes up to 15 Miles per hour... and I know that sooner or later, I'll get back to my stride in running.
I actually love running-- but I am going to take it slow and do my walking for now. I read in the pre-op notes that they recommend a daily 30 minute walking bout-- so I'll definitely be trying to add that in (I already walk a good bit on my commute every day-- but I'm talking about adding purposeful exercise in.) That: and some light weights for toning-- and throw in some push ups and sit ups too.
I'm a bit scared right now that this is all just not going to work-- but I think it is more that it is not all going to work at ONCE. I have to take one step at a time, I'm no different than I was a week ago. This is a training period followed by a long learning curve with the band. It will be great to look back some day and see how I began. But right now, it is a bit terrifying to feel like I'm supposed to be changing and I don't know how.
I guess that is why I am having this surgery...
This evening, instead of protein shakes, I suppose you could say I "cheated"-- because I ate lowfat ham, turkey and cheese (and 2 pickles) for dinner instead of liquid diet. Bad girl-- but so what?
Honest to god, I am pretty sure that this draconian pre-op diet is going to send me off the deep end and that it is very hard to follow. I didn't go on a pizza binge or McDonalds or have cake-- so I don't think it is a full on crime scene here.
Tomorrow, I'll do my best to go back to the no chew rule-- it worked for a couple of days.
I also know in my heart of hearts that I was going to have my surgery in September (with the very same surgeon) and she was OK with 10 days of pre-op diet. That is not to say that I don't want to follow the instructions until 10 days pre-op... but still.
I'm also thinking that I may experience some serious bandster hell if this is what it is like on the pre-op diet.
The post op portion of events (see Yana's blog too-- she and I have the the same surgical practice) is 10 days of liquids POST op, followed by 10 days of mushies, and THEN a return to regular food on post-op day 21.
One day at a time, that's the best I can do-- and I have to believe I am in some good company here-- there are loads of folks who struggle with the pre-op diet and do just fine afterwards in 'band land' right?
A positive note on my plan for success:
We're almost finished setting up our basement as a very good functional gym -- we got a 50 inch screen TV which we'll set up tomorrow (I'm taking the day off to see my primary doc to get final medical clearance...) and our brand new treadmill is being delivered on Tuesday! It goes up to 15 Miles per hour... and I know that sooner or later, I'll get back to my stride in running.
I actually love running-- but I am going to take it slow and do my walking for now. I read in the pre-op notes that they recommend a daily 30 minute walking bout-- so I'll definitely be trying to add that in (I already walk a good bit on my commute every day-- but I'm talking about adding purposeful exercise in.) That: and some light weights for toning-- and throw in some push ups and sit ups too.
I'm a bit scared right now that this is all just not going to work-- but I think it is more that it is not all going to work at ONCE. I have to take one step at a time, I'm no different than I was a week ago. This is a training period followed by a long learning curve with the band. It will be great to look back some day and see how I began. But right now, it is a bit terrifying to feel like I'm supposed to be changing and I don't know how.
I guess that is why I am having this surgery...
Preop Day 3: 196.5 lbs, this stuff works
Sure enough, a 1000 calorie diet for a few days will definitely throw weight right off of a person.... I know I'm in a state of throwing off alot of water weight-- but still, it is satisfying to see the numbers go down day by day. I am glad I got on the scale.
That being said: I kind of hate this pre-op holding pattern, but recognize its necessity. I just can't wait to get to the next step and the next step-- I know I'll need to calm down and relax into it, and eventually I will. But right now: hard to relax.
That being said: I kind of hate this pre-op holding pattern, but recognize its necessity. I just can't wait to get to the next step and the next step-- I know I'll need to calm down and relax into it, and eventually I will. But right now: hard to relax.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Day 2 down.. 12 more to go/ pre-op testing
I am sitting here a little crabby and alittle sad about my good old friend food, even though I'm not hungry for anything in particular. Just sad that I really have to change. It blows.
I know that the trade off to have a great new and healthy body will be worth it-- but the struggle is ON.
I had a successful day today, around 900 calories, 90 calories or so of protein, and maybe 20 or so grams of fat. (I have it all journalled but I am too lazy to check exactly.)
Got on the scale this afternoon and saw 197.1-- so it seems the pre-op diet is great for squeezing out all of the extra water in your system!! Good news b/c that first weight that I dutifully recorded was over 200 lbs with all of the salty 'last supper' Greek food we ordered in the night before I truly began preop.
So I'm taking this one day at a time... that's all I've got.
Now I feel much more confident that I WILL be able to make it all the way through-- I just am wishing this period of time to go quickly. Having the band surgery finally done will be a huge relief-- and even though with the preop diet I am on the way-- it won't really feel here until I have my band installed...
Onward to day 3.
I know that the trade off to have a great new and healthy body will be worth it-- but the struggle is ON.
I had a successful day today, around 900 calories, 90 calories or so of protein, and maybe 20 or so grams of fat. (I have it all journalled but I am too lazy to check exactly.)
Got on the scale this afternoon and saw 197.1-- so it seems the pre-op diet is great for squeezing out all of the extra water in your system!! Good news b/c that first weight that I dutifully recorded was over 200 lbs with all of the salty 'last supper' Greek food we ordered in the night before I truly began preop.
So I'm taking this one day at a time... that's all I've got.
Now I feel much more confident that I WILL be able to make it all the way through-- I just am wishing this period of time to go quickly. Having the band surgery finally done will be a huge relief-- and even though with the preop diet I am on the way-- it won't really feel here until I have my band installed...
Onward to day 3.
Easier said than done... Still day 2 of preop
I was over at Sally's blog and reading about her Bunco night and the various treats she had to fend off. Sally is a well-spring of knowledge about how to succeed with the band, being 20 pounds under her goal and showing us the daily way of how to do it to stay successful. I am grateful to read her blogs and see that there is someone out there at goal who is working it.
She ended her blog with the note that she is still having to work it and it prompted me to comment in the following way:
I suspect that eventually your limits will come more naturally--- just give it more time. It has to become a permanent habit, and as you've said yourself, you didn't 'use' the lapband to the optimal use at the beginning.
I bet that one day things will not be such a struggle and your choices will be much more embedded-- you won't even have to ask youself whether you ought to stop-- you'll just stop b/c you'd rather feel good (rather than having it be a toss up over healthy feelings vs. yummy treats!)
I don't only 'suspect' but I truly hope for Sally and for all of us that the changes we're making will eventually become second nature. It is going to take a long time and lots of practices-- but I think we can get there.
For me: I'd say my very first practice run with a different choice was just yesterday when I got upset and thought how much I wished I could eat something to soothe myself. But I DIDN'T DO IT. Each time I don't respond in the unhealthy way, I am strengthening the muscle of restraint inside myself. I hope that there will come a day that that muscle works like my lungs (I mean, without me having to tell them to breath) or my heart (without me telling it how to beat.)
I tihnk these are good analagous organs to discuss b/c YOU CAN to some extent, get yourself to slow your breathing and work to lower your heart rate, especially if your heart is pounding-- via 'mind over matter.'
The same thing goes for the eating thing. Yes: I hope for more automated 'right' choices, but if I occassionally have to do an override, that would be OK with me too! I just want the CONSTANT battle to stop so that I can finally focus myself on other things...
Onward.
She ended her blog with the note that she is still having to work it and it prompted me to comment in the following way:
I suspect that eventually your limits will come more naturally--- just give it more time. It has to become a permanent habit, and as you've said yourself, you didn't 'use' the lapband to the optimal use at the beginning.
I bet that one day things will not be such a struggle and your choices will be much more embedded-- you won't even have to ask youself whether you ought to stop-- you'll just stop b/c you'd rather feel good (rather than having it be a toss up over healthy feelings vs. yummy treats!)
I don't only 'suspect' but I truly hope for Sally and for all of us that the changes we're making will eventually become second nature. It is going to take a long time and lots of practices-- but I think we can get there.
For me: I'd say my very first practice run with a different choice was just yesterday when I got upset and thought how much I wished I could eat something to soothe myself. But I DIDN'T DO IT. Each time I don't respond in the unhealthy way, I am strengthening the muscle of restraint inside myself. I hope that there will come a day that that muscle works like my lungs (I mean, without me having to tell them to breath) or my heart (without me telling it how to beat.)
I tihnk these are good analagous organs to discuss b/c YOU CAN to some extent, get yourself to slow your breathing and work to lower your heart rate, especially if your heart is pounding-- via 'mind over matter.'
The same thing goes for the eating thing. Yes: I hope for more automated 'right' choices, but if I occassionally have to do an override, that would be OK with me too! I just want the CONSTANT battle to stop so that I can finally focus myself on other things...
Onward.
Day 2 of 14; big job for today-- Preop medical clearance
Thanks again for all the supportive comments-- I love you all and appreciate the warmth you've given me in this blog. My husband said he read my blog yesterday (egads!!)-- I'd invited him to take a look a while back b/c I was too demoralized to tell him my weight and the struggles myself, so he has an open invite to read whenever.
His remark was that it seems like I have such a warm group of friends and supports around me-- that is really great.
So: pre-op diet #2, aside from the regular shake nonsense, my life must go on and I have to figure out how to get a doc to sign off on my surgery. This really should not be a big deal: I am a pretty healthy chica, to the best of my knowledge. My BP was 118/76 at the pre-op visit yesterday (Pre admission testing area) and I had a normal EKG. I don't know what my blood work shows, but I don't think there are any serious things looming.
With my father having lung cancer (not a smoker) I always worry that maybe a bad thing could show up on a chest xray-- but I really have to doubt it.
Did you ever think what a scam it is that they insist you have Pre-op testing in the hospital AND from your doctor-- who also needs to make money somehow? And doesn't want the liability of clearing you for surgery.... I don't feel like explaining but even as a healthcare professional-- it is quite infuriating to know that the Pre-admission testing isn't GOOD ENOUGH even by the hospital's own standards to let you have the surgery!!!
I am determined to work this through and get this surgery on 1/4/10 (barring some unforeseen problem with my health, that I certainly hope will not crop up.)....
On another note: we went to look at treadmills yesterday! And my husband is searching large screen TV's-- so our home gym will be set up before you can blink. We actually spent Sunday re-arranging my son's playroom (our entire basement) and made an area where the TV and L shaped couch will sit, that are distinctive from my son's play space. Behind the couch is where the treadmill will be... soon!! And we'll hang the flat screen in the 'grown up area' but my son will be able to watch movies down there with friends too, of course (it will be a great 'sleep over' house when he gets a bit older, I think.)
Other things for the area: I think we will get a small beverage fridge for down there-- maybe a weight rack and a towel rack. I know that having the treadmill will work wonders for me... I will not be able to resist hopping on for 15 or 20 minute quick walk before work. NO EXCUSES!
I know what's coming-- I can picture myself returning to running in a few months time-- I do love running, but I haven't been going for a long time for a variety of reasons. Having ALMOST had the surgery in late September really kind of messed up my whole 'weight psychology' in October, November, December.... it is truly like I gave up in many ways.
Well: now those days are OVER. I am back to being the me who is seeking fitness and getting healthier by the day.
Day 1 of post op was not extremely hard, except for the few moments of distress where I was upset about dealing with the preop med clearance-- but I found that it passed after a time. This is what I will learn more and more about if I hold myself to the rules of the band (and for now, the rules of pre-op.)
I have a tiny little flame of success that I am gently blowing on to build a fire-- ever so gently right now... but I know that if I keep giving it oxygen-- I'll get there!
His remark was that it seems like I have such a warm group of friends and supports around me-- that is really great.
So: pre-op diet #2, aside from the regular shake nonsense, my life must go on and I have to figure out how to get a doc to sign off on my surgery. This really should not be a big deal: I am a pretty healthy chica, to the best of my knowledge. My BP was 118/76 at the pre-op visit yesterday (Pre admission testing area) and I had a normal EKG. I don't know what my blood work shows, but I don't think there are any serious things looming.
With my father having lung cancer (not a smoker) I always worry that maybe a bad thing could show up on a chest xray-- but I really have to doubt it.
Did you ever think what a scam it is that they insist you have Pre-op testing in the hospital AND from your doctor-- who also needs to make money somehow? And doesn't want the liability of clearing you for surgery.... I don't feel like explaining but even as a healthcare professional-- it is quite infuriating to know that the Pre-admission testing isn't GOOD ENOUGH even by the hospital's own standards to let you have the surgery!!!
I am determined to work this through and get this surgery on 1/4/10 (barring some unforeseen problem with my health, that I certainly hope will not crop up.)....
On another note: we went to look at treadmills yesterday! And my husband is searching large screen TV's-- so our home gym will be set up before you can blink. We actually spent Sunday re-arranging my son's playroom (our entire basement) and made an area where the TV and L shaped couch will sit, that are distinctive from my son's play space. Behind the couch is where the treadmill will be... soon!! And we'll hang the flat screen in the 'grown up area' but my son will be able to watch movies down there with friends too, of course (it will be a great 'sleep over' house when he gets a bit older, I think.)
Other things for the area: I think we will get a small beverage fridge for down there-- maybe a weight rack and a towel rack. I know that having the treadmill will work wonders for me... I will not be able to resist hopping on for 15 or 20 minute quick walk before work. NO EXCUSES!
I know what's coming-- I can picture myself returning to running in a few months time-- I do love running, but I haven't been going for a long time for a variety of reasons. Having ALMOST had the surgery in late September really kind of messed up my whole 'weight psychology' in October, November, December.... it is truly like I gave up in many ways.
Well: now those days are OVER. I am back to being the me who is seeking fitness and getting healthier by the day.
Day 1 of post op was not extremely hard, except for the few moments of distress where I was upset about dealing with the preop med clearance-- but I found that it passed after a time. This is what I will learn more and more about if I hold myself to the rules of the band (and for now, the rules of pre-op.)
I have a tiny little flame of success that I am gently blowing on to build a fire-- ever so gently right now... but I know that if I keep giving it oxygen-- I'll get there!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Day 1 of 14-- DONE, 13 to go...
Just writing in to say I had a successful day one of pre-op liquid diet.
The worst of it all is the drama I am having right now about pre-op clearance. My dumb doctor is insisting on repeating all of the tests done by NYU, so I am seeking out my former doctor (who still sees my husband) and hoping he'll accept the NYU tests and clear me for the surgery.
That and the stupid anesthesiologist asked me a bunch of rude questions like: "why can't you just do this on self-discipline?" "can' t you just go on a diet, I've seen other people do that..." GRRRRRRRR
The doctor fiasco above sent me wishing I could eat a cheeseburger or something comforting-- just like taking a drug. But I didn't do it. I guess I'll need to confront alot of those impulses in the months to come until I have new ways to cope.
Onward to a healthier me. 13 days of pre-op liquid diet to go!
PS: Debi-- PB2 is powdered Peanut butter, it is awesome, 2 tablespoons have 53 calories and 2 grams of fat and 5 grams of protein, you can mix it in with shakes and other things for a great peanut butter flavor! Yummy.
The worst of it all is the drama I am having right now about pre-op clearance. My dumb doctor is insisting on repeating all of the tests done by NYU, so I am seeking out my former doctor (who still sees my husband) and hoping he'll accept the NYU tests and clear me for the surgery.
That and the stupid anesthesiologist asked me a bunch of rude questions like: "why can't you just do this on self-discipline?" "can' t you just go on a diet, I've seen other people do that..." GRRRRRRRR
The doctor fiasco above sent me wishing I could eat a cheeseburger or something comforting-- just like taking a drug. But I didn't do it. I guess I'll need to confront alot of those impulses in the months to come until I have new ways to cope.
Onward to a healthier me. 13 days of pre-op liquid diet to go!
PS: Debi-- PB2 is powdered Peanut butter, it is awesome, 2 tablespoons have 53 calories and 2 grams of fat and 5 grams of protein, you can mix it in with shakes and other things for a great peanut butter flavor! Yummy.
Day 1 of 14, Pre-op Diet; Surgery Coming up on Monday 1/4/10
So here we are... at the beginning of the official pre-op diet. It's exciting, its scary and the surgery is something I am definitely nervous about and want to get past.
I was reading on Yana's blog and seeing how she was talking about power of attorney and health care proxy, and I was mentioning these to my husband last night. I will quickly review my life insurance policy with him and be sure that we have our papers in order should something unexpected and catastrophic occur.
That being said: I have no expectation or reason to believe that I am anything but healthy and ready to go for the surgery. The pre-op period will give me the opportunity to put my body at digestive rest (more or less) and defat any fat on my liver-- let's hope it is not very fatty and in the way presently, but no time for screwing around.
As for the plan for today, I have been using Pure Protein Powder for shakes, so today's strategy was to pre- mix up 3 shakes (with 4 tablespoons of PB2-- do you know this stuff?) and 6 teaspoons of Benefiber (2 tsp per serving with 3 grams of fiber for each serving) to take 'on the go.' I'm following several bloggers' advice to 'take the shake' as medicine, so I never get too hungry.
The most amazing 'low calorie' peanut butter-- great for shake blends!
Of course: I have to fast for my pre-op testing, so as soon as that is done (around 9:30 am)-- I'll have around 8 oz of shake to start my day and then try to ensure that I am having a shake every 3 hours or so.)
Day 1 - here I come.
(PS: I am going with the "no chew" rule for now, just easier to do it all or nothing for me... we''ll see how I feel in a few days, and if a wonderful salad sounds great, I wll certainly allow myself to have some sort of veggies.)
Hope you're all doing well. Wish me luck.
I was reading on Yana's blog and seeing how she was talking about power of attorney and health care proxy, and I was mentioning these to my husband last night. I will quickly review my life insurance policy with him and be sure that we have our papers in order should something unexpected and catastrophic occur.
That being said: I have no expectation or reason to believe that I am anything but healthy and ready to go for the surgery. The pre-op period will give me the opportunity to put my body at digestive rest (more or less) and defat any fat on my liver-- let's hope it is not very fatty and in the way presently, but no time for screwing around.
As for the plan for today, I have been using Pure Protein Powder for shakes, so today's strategy was to pre- mix up 3 shakes (with 4 tablespoons of PB2-- do you know this stuff?) and 6 teaspoons of Benefiber (2 tsp per serving with 3 grams of fiber for each serving) to take 'on the go.' I'm following several bloggers' advice to 'take the shake' as medicine, so I never get too hungry.
The most amazing 'low calorie' peanut butter-- great for shake blends!
Of course: I have to fast for my pre-op testing, so as soon as that is done (around 9:30 am)-- I'll have around 8 oz of shake to start my day and then try to ensure that I am having a shake every 3 hours or so.)
Day 1 - here I come.
(PS: I am going with the "no chew" rule for now, just easier to do it all or nothing for me... we''ll see how I feel in a few days, and if a wonderful salad sounds great, I wll certainly allow myself to have some sort of veggies.)
Hope you're all doing well. Wish me luck.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's really here-- ALMOST
So my pre-op diet is almost here-- tomorrow is my official first day. I know I've been bellyaching about all of the worries and whatever, but I have a sudden feeling of calm and knowledge that I CAN do it after all. I know that I have a good plan for how to handle the diet and I can handle it.
Looking at Catherine's suggestions of making a 'pre-op plan for success' and a 'pro/ con' list for surgery'-- these are wise ideas, and also a way to have a barometer of what is going well and what needs to be adjusted along the way.
So here goes, here is my Plan for Success (perhaps I ought to tatoo this somewhere on my body?):
1) Follow the pre-op diet to the very best of my ability, using my all or nothing behavior pattern to my benefit. My plan: if has to be chewed (except sugar free gum, allowed!) -- I ain't eating it. If I want to get veggies in, I can have a pureed soup, which I really enjoy. I am going to pretend I don't have teeth for the next several weeks (ha, ha.)
2) Follow the post-op instructions to the very, very best of my ability. The stakes are even HIGHER here-- this is after the surgery and I do not want to disrupt any of the stitches around the band. Healing is of critical importance to my future success.
3) Remember that food is just FOOD. A weight loss plan is just a weight loss plan. Don't let this take over too much of my life (i.e. try to keep all of this band stuff in some sort of perspective, while still prioritizing it as very important.) The above said about following instructions to the letter, who knows if I will have a little slip here or there? The point is the to do it to the VERY best of my ability... this is a learning curve and while I am trying to do it well and perfectly, we all know how well and perfectly being perfect goes.
4) Stick with therapy for at least the next 6 months. Wow. That seems long-- but I am already in therapy, and I have a tendancy to quit when I am feeling better from an episode/ flare of my depression. But now I'd like to use the therapy to help me through this band process and work with my therapist on the weight loss process. I've already bravely begun this process by purchasing the book "The Beck Weight Loss Solution Workbook" for him to review and work on with me. I mean that this is brave because it is brave. And I'll go one step further and probably disclose my starting weight so he can help me there too. This feels like a really big deal to me-- but I want to ensure my success as well as I can.
5) Allow the changes to come-- don't do things the way I have always done them in the past. I don't know what changes are going to be necessary-- but my plan to really involve my therapist in this process (as in #4) is a huge step. I know that I'll need to give up the diet mentality-- but I don't know how to do that either. I can't know everything up front-- but I will need to be open enough to try new things.
6) Re-start purposeful exercise. I love to exercise so this shouldn't be a huge problem. I am struggling with this a little bit, but I think that considering the time of year and the hopefully decreased intensity of my job-- I HOPE, I can squeeze in a goal of 3 sessions of 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill each week in the 2 weeks leading up to surgery.
7) Allow us to make the expenditure on a treadmill and flat screen TV set up for our basement 'gym' -- maybe add mirrors to the walls as well. (Don't get cheap about the expenditure-- I wouldn't think about spending a few hundred dollars on a fancy meal at a terrific NYC restautrant-- now is the time to spend on my health.)
I think outfitting a portion of our ample basement (which is presently 100% dedicated as a playroom for my adorable son) as a true gym space for me will add value to my exercise plans-- and make it excuse proof for going and 'just doing it' at least 3 times per week. (The flat screen is for my husband, as much as it is for me.)
**Note: making this list is empowering and exciting me!!! I can change-- #7 is a huge step and I will do it. It is about taking care of myself with no holds barred.***
8) Recognize that there will be highs and lows in this process and go with it. Be sure to talk this through with DLW and keep on blogging. There is lots of support out there for the taking.
9) Be as patient as possible. Yes, it is disgusting to think about how much weight I've gained over the years and unbelievable that I have to take it off again-- but hopefully, this is well and truly the LAST TIME it will ever have to go this way. This is a radical step for radical change and I am going to make the most of it.
THINGS I WILL DO TO HELP MYSELF SUCCEED:
10) Consider and imagine the wacked out remarks people make make about my weight loss-- and accept that these will happen. I truly have feared losing weight in the past because of the fear of what others would say AFTERwards. Wacky. I don't like hearing how imperfect I was before. I need to figure out how to accept me NOW-- and to know that I'm just overweight, not a murderous villian, like it sometimes feels like, in terms of the absurd shame about the overweight.
11) I forgot this one: commit to following post-op BAND instructions and advice to the letter as much as possible, the highlights include:
-- Crushing pills
-- No carbonated beverages
-- Chew each bite thoroughly
-- Eat slowly (best concrete notion here is to put my fork down after every bite and either count to 10 or something.)
-- Do not drink while eating and quit drinking 30 minutes before and for 60 minutes after to maximize success.
--Drink loads of water the rest of the time to avoid getting dehydrated, keep skin and nails healthy and to ward off some hunger
-- Eat only when hungry-- skipping meals is totally OK, my body will tell me when to eat if I listen.
-- Protein first, then veggies, then carbs if needed.
-- Whole foods are best (the thing is the only ingedient: chicken, fish, apple, tomato, cake (just kidding.)
12) Be the genuinely positive, excited, and successful person I truly already am-- and know that this will be the way that I can make weight management a success too.
I must remember that all of my successes in my life have come with many false starts, mistakes, and do-overs. I didn't meet and fall in love with Andre at the exact age I thought it would be good to get married (I started wishing to be married when I was around 24, and didn't actually get married until I was 31.) I didn't have a baby exactly on the schedule I wanted (I had J. when I was 34, not 29 or 30, which is probably what I might have guessed would have been best had I had my 'druthers' in my mid-twenties.
I didn't get the 'big job' right away-- and I am not the CEO of a hospital just yet. If I quit now, I 'd never get there.
I vow, at this moment, to use EVERY OUNCE of my resiliance to avoid negative thinking about my weight EVER AGAIN.
This is it. I am who I am and I will be improving my physical health with this surgery-- but that's it. Who I am on the inside isn't going to change-- and that is OK, because I AM OK.
I sound like some stupid '70's book but whatever. I am fine the way I am, just a little 'smooshy!' And at certain times in history and in certain places around the world, my figure is considered to be fabulous...
I'm not doing this strictly for appearance at all. Yes, I want to look better, but I must keep my eyes on the prize. I want a lasting change in my relationship with food. And I can have that if I put one foot in front of the other. That is the only way to get there.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step... and I am about to take it.
Onward.
Looking at Catherine's suggestions of making a 'pre-op plan for success' and a 'pro/ con' list for surgery'-- these are wise ideas, and also a way to have a barometer of what is going well and what needs to be adjusted along the way.
So here goes, here is my Plan for Success (perhaps I ought to tatoo this somewhere on my body?):
1) Follow the pre-op diet to the very best of my ability, using my all or nothing behavior pattern to my benefit. My plan: if has to be chewed (except sugar free gum, allowed!) -- I ain't eating it. If I want to get veggies in, I can have a pureed soup, which I really enjoy. I am going to pretend I don't have teeth for the next several weeks (ha, ha.)
2) Follow the post-op instructions to the very, very best of my ability. The stakes are even HIGHER here-- this is after the surgery and I do not want to disrupt any of the stitches around the band. Healing is of critical importance to my future success.
3) Remember that food is just FOOD. A weight loss plan is just a weight loss plan. Don't let this take over too much of my life (i.e. try to keep all of this band stuff in some sort of perspective, while still prioritizing it as very important.) The above said about following instructions to the letter, who knows if I will have a little slip here or there? The point is the to do it to the VERY best of my ability... this is a learning curve and while I am trying to do it well and perfectly, we all know how well and perfectly being perfect goes.
4) Stick with therapy for at least the next 6 months. Wow. That seems long-- but I am already in therapy, and I have a tendancy to quit when I am feeling better from an episode/ flare of my depression. But now I'd like to use the therapy to help me through this band process and work with my therapist on the weight loss process. I've already bravely begun this process by purchasing the book "The Beck Weight Loss Solution Workbook" for him to review and work on with me. I mean that this is brave because it is brave. And I'll go one step further and probably disclose my starting weight so he can help me there too. This feels like a really big deal to me-- but I want to ensure my success as well as I can.
5) Allow the changes to come-- don't do things the way I have always done them in the past. I don't know what changes are going to be necessary-- but my plan to really involve my therapist in this process (as in #4) is a huge step. I know that I'll need to give up the diet mentality-- but I don't know how to do that either. I can't know everything up front-- but I will need to be open enough to try new things.
6) Re-start purposeful exercise. I love to exercise so this shouldn't be a huge problem. I am struggling with this a little bit, but I think that considering the time of year and the hopefully decreased intensity of my job-- I HOPE, I can squeeze in a goal of 3 sessions of 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill each week in the 2 weeks leading up to surgery.
7) Allow us to make the expenditure on a treadmill and flat screen TV set up for our basement 'gym' -- maybe add mirrors to the walls as well. (Don't get cheap about the expenditure-- I wouldn't think about spending a few hundred dollars on a fancy meal at a terrific NYC restautrant-- now is the time to spend on my health.)
I think outfitting a portion of our ample basement (which is presently 100% dedicated as a playroom for my adorable son) as a true gym space for me will add value to my exercise plans-- and make it excuse proof for going and 'just doing it' at least 3 times per week. (The flat screen is for my husband, as much as it is for me.)
**Note: making this list is empowering and exciting me!!! I can change-- #7 is a huge step and I will do it. It is about taking care of myself with no holds barred.***
8) Recognize that there will be highs and lows in this process and go with it. Be sure to talk this through with DLW and keep on blogging. There is lots of support out there for the taking.
9) Be as patient as possible. Yes, it is disgusting to think about how much weight I've gained over the years and unbelievable that I have to take it off again-- but hopefully, this is well and truly the LAST TIME it will ever have to go this way. This is a radical step for radical change and I am going to make the most of it.
THINGS I WILL DO TO HELP MYSELF SUCCEED:
10) Consider and imagine the wacked out remarks people make make about my weight loss-- and accept that these will happen. I truly have feared losing weight in the past because of the fear of what others would say AFTERwards. Wacky. I don't like hearing how imperfect I was before. I need to figure out how to accept me NOW-- and to know that I'm just overweight, not a murderous villian, like it sometimes feels like, in terms of the absurd shame about the overweight.
11) I forgot this one: commit to following post-op BAND instructions and advice to the letter as much as possible, the highlights include:
-- Crushing pills
-- No carbonated beverages
-- Chew each bite thoroughly
-- Eat slowly (best concrete notion here is to put my fork down after every bite and either count to 10 or something.)
-- Do not drink while eating and quit drinking 30 minutes before and for 60 minutes after to maximize success.
--Drink loads of water the rest of the time to avoid getting dehydrated, keep skin and nails healthy and to ward off some hunger
-- Eat only when hungry-- skipping meals is totally OK, my body will tell me when to eat if I listen.
-- Protein first, then veggies, then carbs if needed.
-- Whole foods are best (the thing is the only ingedient: chicken, fish, apple, tomato, cake (just kidding.)
12) Be the genuinely positive, excited, and successful person I truly already am-- and know that this will be the way that I can make weight management a success too.
I must remember that all of my successes in my life have come with many false starts, mistakes, and do-overs. I didn't meet and fall in love with Andre at the exact age I thought it would be good to get married (I started wishing to be married when I was around 24, and didn't actually get married until I was 31.) I didn't have a baby exactly on the schedule I wanted (I had J. when I was 34, not 29 or 30, which is probably what I might have guessed would have been best had I had my 'druthers' in my mid-twenties.
I didn't get the 'big job' right away-- and I am not the CEO of a hospital just yet. If I quit now, I 'd never get there.
I vow, at this moment, to use EVERY OUNCE of my resiliance to avoid negative thinking about my weight EVER AGAIN.
This is it. I am who I am and I will be improving my physical health with this surgery-- but that's it. Who I am on the inside isn't going to change-- and that is OK, because I AM OK.
I sound like some stupid '70's book but whatever. I am fine the way I am, just a little 'smooshy!' And at certain times in history and in certain places around the world, my figure is considered to be fabulous...
I'm not doing this strictly for appearance at all. Yes, I want to look better, but I must keep my eyes on the prize. I want a lasting change in my relationship with food. And I can have that if I put one foot in front of the other. That is the only way to get there.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step... and I am about to take it.
Onward.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
All or nothing-- take 2
It seems like I may have written a post called "all or nothing" in my blog before-- because it came up as before I finished typing it into my "Title" field.
This is just to say thank you to all for the supportive comments and love. I know now it was a mistake to start extra early and I won't be 're-starting' until my official pre-op day, Monday, 12/21/09. Come hell or highwater, I will also get on the scale that morning for the bad news--- that way, I'll be able to enjoy the massive water weight drop that I will see...
As for all or nothing: I'm going to take at least the first 3 to 5 days and make them "all liquid" days-- as in "if it needs to be chewed, it cannot go in my mouth." (Don't worry, I don't really love ice cream, so that is not a cheat I will go for.
This will help me stick strictly to the shakes, if hungry: have a shake. If time to have a shake: have a shake. Realize that this will be 14 days of not a fun run up to surgery but needed-- also know that I am TRULY on the way to the band...
The all of nothing approach is not sustainable long term-- but doing it this way gives me an extra confidence boost of "not having to think" about anything. I CAN do it.
I'll also take Yana's approach of counting out the days in blog posts-- I really liked reading that from her, and it will be a great memory to look back on later.
Let the journey begin (almost.)
This is just to say thank you to all for the supportive comments and love. I know now it was a mistake to start extra early and I won't be 're-starting' until my official pre-op day, Monday, 12/21/09. Come hell or highwater, I will also get on the scale that morning for the bad news--- that way, I'll be able to enjoy the massive water weight drop that I will see...
As for all or nothing: I'm going to take at least the first 3 to 5 days and make them "all liquid" days-- as in "if it needs to be chewed, it cannot go in my mouth." (Don't worry, I don't really love ice cream, so that is not a cheat I will go for.
This will help me stick strictly to the shakes, if hungry: have a shake. If time to have a shake: have a shake. Realize that this will be 14 days of not a fun run up to surgery but needed-- also know that I am TRULY on the way to the band...
The all of nothing approach is not sustainable long term-- but doing it this way gives me an extra confidence boost of "not having to think" about anything. I CAN do it.
I'll also take Yana's approach of counting out the days in blog posts-- I really liked reading that from her, and it will be a great memory to look back on later.
Let the journey begin (almost.)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Face plant into a pizza
I didn't even have time to post yesterday b/c my work life is that ridiculous. This is not a funciton of me being stressed by work-- it is a function of having a meeting from 4pm to 8pm in NYC on Wednesday, followed by, wait for it: a 6:30am meeting on Thursday morning.
This was the wrong week to decide to just throw in an extra week of torture on a pre-op diet.
Needless to say, by the time I got home on Wednesday night, I threw in the towel and we ordered a pizza (guilty as charged, officer-- cuff me, now.)
I feel terrible on some level-- but also, I realize, after talking to my mom and to my husband, that the pre-op diet is 2 weeks b/c that's about all a person can take... so I just kind of gave up until my ACTUAL pre-op diet is supposed to start.
I feel a bit like a failure on the one hand, but on the other hand-- I know this ought not to be the end of the world. What worries me is whether I will be able to do the 2 weeks of the pre-op diet now that I've had a hard time after just a few days. ARGH.
My husband said to me that if I cannot handle the pre-op diet (once it ACTUALLY begins)-- maybe I should reconsider the band b/c if I don't have enough discipline to stop myself, then how will I handle the band. *Cry.*
I don't think he meant to be unsupportive-- and he was probably just saying that to jolt me and scare me and say "you'll DO it." But I am scared nonetheless. I have to do this.
I know I sound like a total mess but I will pull myself together. I think alot of this post is about being bone tired and sleep deprived from so much work time-- I didn't get home LAST night until after 7pm. My fucking commute.
All of this is going to fade into the background in a few weeks-- and I won't be the first person to experience these struggles with a pre-op diet. I had to make it worse by extending the dumb diet, of course. I will have to let that go and just have the experience I am going to have with this leading up to the band.
Damn, I wanted to be 'perfect' and I am so far from perfect it is ridiculous. This post is ridiculous. I'd say ignore it, but it is an obvious cry for help and support. I know what my good blogger friends will say-- 'don't beat yourself up' etc-- and I know this is what I need to do. It is just hard with a lifetime of patterned meanness towards myself to stop now. I will survive this period of time too and I will still get the band.
Excuse the ramblings, once again-- if you've made any sense of this stream of consciousness, congratulations-- you're better than me.
This was the wrong week to decide to just throw in an extra week of torture on a pre-op diet.
Needless to say, by the time I got home on Wednesday night, I threw in the towel and we ordered a pizza (guilty as charged, officer-- cuff me, now.)
I feel terrible on some level-- but also, I realize, after talking to my mom and to my husband, that the pre-op diet is 2 weeks b/c that's about all a person can take... so I just kind of gave up until my ACTUAL pre-op diet is supposed to start.
I feel a bit like a failure on the one hand, but on the other hand-- I know this ought not to be the end of the world. What worries me is whether I will be able to do the 2 weeks of the pre-op diet now that I've had a hard time after just a few days. ARGH.
My husband said to me that if I cannot handle the pre-op diet (once it ACTUALLY begins)-- maybe I should reconsider the band b/c if I don't have enough discipline to stop myself, then how will I handle the band. *Cry.*
I don't think he meant to be unsupportive-- and he was probably just saying that to jolt me and scare me and say "you'll DO it." But I am scared nonetheless. I have to do this.
I know I sound like a total mess but I will pull myself together. I think alot of this post is about being bone tired and sleep deprived from so much work time-- I didn't get home LAST night until after 7pm. My fucking commute.
All of this is going to fade into the background in a few weeks-- and I won't be the first person to experience these struggles with a pre-op diet. I had to make it worse by extending the dumb diet, of course. I will have to let that go and just have the experience I am going to have with this leading up to the band.
Damn, I wanted to be 'perfect' and I am so far from perfect it is ridiculous. This post is ridiculous. I'd say ignore it, but it is an obvious cry for help and support. I know what my good blogger friends will say-- 'don't beat yourself up' etc-- and I know this is what I need to do. It is just hard with a lifetime of patterned meanness towards myself to stop now. I will survive this period of time too and I will still get the band.
Excuse the ramblings, once again-- if you've made any sense of this stream of consciousness, congratulations-- you're better than me.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Inspiration and a few tears
I am feeling very emotional!
I have been doing my 'am blog trolling'-- which means, I wake up each day around 5am for the blessed peace and quiet that I have in my home for the next couple of hours before my 'boys' (i.e. husband and son) wake up-- and reading all of the blogs I can get through before I must tear myself away and get ready for work!
I love reading everyones' blogs-- but some things have really been hitting me lately. That, and I've learned you can do this cool 'linky' thing on blogger where you can link a blog and call it what you want (hence the "Catherine the Bandster Rockstar" post of yesterday ) and now Gen's post from yesterday:
Gen's inspiring blog post
While reading all of the successes (and tribulations) is educational, informative, and exciting at times-- today, when I came across the post I linked above-- tears literally came to my eyes. I am so happy for Gen-- the freedom from the diet trap and food obsession that I'm seeking is exactly what she's describing in that post.
If you need a little pick me up-- go directly to Gen's blog, because while every day hasn't been easy or perfect-- yesterday was pretty heavenly from what I can tell. Her blog made me feel so happy, and I hope you will feel happy reading about her success too.
One of the best things about all of this blogging (and I am on a prescription of relatively daily blogging at this time) is that we are sharing the ups and downs-- and that is amazing. It is probably part of the reason I've been very moved lately by Gen's and Catherine's success (I am also impressed by so many of you-- I am just featuring a few reactions I've had of late!!)
I have seen some struggles and frustrations through reading of their experiences-- and the honest sharing gives a window to what it is like with the band. But you know what? No matter what the struggles-- it seems like an almost guarranteed success story if you just follow the rules most of the time and do your best! Those are pretty awesome and encouraging 'odds' for someone in my position, with one stupid diet failure after another. I literally 'hunger' for the freedom from diet obsession, freedom from feeling terrible about my food choices and myself, and freedom to think about OTHER THINGS-- rather than being constantly preoccupied with my stupid weight.
As for me: I am trying not to get too wacked out, but I got on the scale this morning and weighed 198.4!!! That is a GAIN, y'all. Granted: there are a few potential contributing factors-- so I cannot get too crazy... the main contributing factors are Kosher Full Sour Pickles. I am literally salivating as I write this...
For anyone familiar with these oblong orbs of goodness-- they are absolutely FILLED with sodium and I am sure I am retaining several pounds of water. Nonetheless, there is nothing more frustrating than having less than 1000 calories for 3 days straight, only to see the scale go UP!!!! Argh.
I have been doing my 'am blog trolling'-- which means, I wake up each day around 5am for the blessed peace and quiet that I have in my home for the next couple of hours before my 'boys' (i.e. husband and son) wake up-- and reading all of the blogs I can get through before I must tear myself away and get ready for work!
I love reading everyones' blogs-- but some things have really been hitting me lately. That, and I've learned you can do this cool 'linky' thing on blogger where you can link a blog and call it what you want (hence the "Catherine the Bandster Rockstar" post of yesterday ) and now Gen's post from yesterday:
Gen's inspiring blog post
While reading all of the successes (and tribulations) is educational, informative, and exciting at times-- today, when I came across the post I linked above-- tears literally came to my eyes. I am so happy for Gen-- the freedom from the diet trap and food obsession that I'm seeking is exactly what she's describing in that post.
If you need a little pick me up-- go directly to Gen's blog, because while every day hasn't been easy or perfect-- yesterday was pretty heavenly from what I can tell. Her blog made me feel so happy, and I hope you will feel happy reading about her success too.
One of the best things about all of this blogging (and I am on a prescription of relatively daily blogging at this time) is that we are sharing the ups and downs-- and that is amazing. It is probably part of the reason I've been very moved lately by Gen's and Catherine's success (I am also impressed by so many of you-- I am just featuring a few reactions I've had of late!!)
I have seen some struggles and frustrations through reading of their experiences-- and the honest sharing gives a window to what it is like with the band. But you know what? No matter what the struggles-- it seems like an almost guarranteed success story if you just follow the rules most of the time and do your best! Those are pretty awesome and encouraging 'odds' for someone in my position, with one stupid diet failure after another. I literally 'hunger' for the freedom from diet obsession, freedom from feeling terrible about my food choices and myself, and freedom to think about OTHER THINGS-- rather than being constantly preoccupied with my stupid weight.
ENOUGH!!!!
As for me: I am trying not to get too wacked out, but I got on the scale this morning and weighed 198.4!!! That is a GAIN, y'all. Granted: there are a few potential contributing factors-- so I cannot get too crazy... the main contributing factors are Kosher Full Sour Pickles. I am literally salivating as I write this...
For anyone familiar with these oblong orbs of goodness-- they are absolutely FILLED with sodium and I am sure I am retaining several pounds of water. Nonetheless, there is nothing more frustrating than having less than 1000 calories for 3 days straight, only to see the scale go UP!!!! Argh.OK, whatever: I know logically that this is a ridiculous situation and my weight will go down once the water comes off-- I cannot sustain my current weight on 1000 calories per day. Besides: come 12/21/09, I go 'full force' into the pre-op diet, meaning, I am going to try to just stick to shakes (which I did on my first go of the
pre-op diet in September) and not do any solid food at all-- it becomes a bad slippery slope.
We'll see how that goes, but this run up week on the pre-op diet is more like a practice run with lower calories than an actual full on pre-op liquid diet. I have allowed myself egg white omelettes each day, had brocoli rabe (yum) last night, and I had a quarter cup of peanuts with some raisins thrown in the last 2 evenings (cheater-- I know nuts are protein, but raisins??!!!)
I realize I ought not to be very hard on myself because this is not the actual pre-op diet YET and most everyone thinks I am bananas to start early anyway-- so that is getting to me a bit (not helping with motivation to stay focused.) However: I am doing my best and if I can shave down my calories this week, I'll be better off next week Besides, I have literally been having an eating festival for the past several months-- and now the party is over: so it is time to pay the piper and get on track to some extent.
Dammit, I am getting really pissed thinking I could have had the band already for 3 months if I hadn't gotten that stupid infection that cancelled my original 9/28/09 surgery date!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Ok, ok, stop. No more regrets. Here I go with the rambling. Must end this post before it becomes 20 pages long. Have a good day everyone.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Catherine-- you go girl!
Is it wrong that I hate Catherine am totally jealous of Catherine's success?
Of course I don't HATE her, but I badly want to follow in her footsteps! NOW!
Click here to see Catherine, Bandster Rockstar
Wow, if you haven't checked out her blog-- look at it for education and inspiration. I love how she has chronicled the whole journey (and excuse me for saying so) and shared her not so perfect moments along with the triumphs. It gives me hope.
A happy, healthy, social bandster who is out enjoying her life and newfound fitness. A bandster who was a foodie and still is a foodie and is living her life with the band and making it go. It takes my breath away a little bit. You go girl!
As for me, I am feeling a bit down in the dumps and like a fatty (sorry.) I cannot believe the amount of weight I've got to lose and how I got myself into this position in the first place. Why? I know, it is what it is, and I am thankful that I am getting things under control but still-- it is a long road ahead.
I saw my therapist today and we talked about the multitude of feelings that I do have about the band. He said that he sees that I am very eager to get the band placed-- and I think that is a great word: eager.
I have alot of mixed emotions:
Fear (will I die during surgery? will I be a band failure? will I hate the band?)
Eagerness
Excitement
Anger (with myself for needing this intervention)
Determination (I will do this)
Sadness (how did it come to this?)
Anxiety (not knowing what it will truly be like)
I'm usually really bad at identifying my feelings, but I am glad to say that I have a good hold on how I feel about the upcoming band-- perhaps it is just that I've been preparing myself for months on end, so I can call up all of the confusing emotions.
One thing's for sure: I am ready and also very focused on this band. Nothing else matters quite as much (except the health and happiness of my loved ones.) But I even feel like work takes a 2nd fiddle to this band procedure now. (Shhh, do not tell my boss.)
I feel a distinct shift in my left of 'giving a shit' about work and the various stresses and whatever. I just don't care quite as much and am getting through day by day right now.
I also feel disgusted with myself and how I am looking right now which pisses me off. I'm now officially on the downslide, and I wish that could be enough.
Something that put my unhappiness with my appearance into sharp relief is that I have friends planning a spa vacation for the end of March. I just did the math, and if I am lucky, I'll be down by at least 25 pounds by then (I am thinking: 2 more weeks of December, 4 in January, 4 in February, 2 in March for a total of 12 weeks.... ) Perhaps that is ambitious?
If I lose around 25 pounds in the next 3 months, I'll be in the neighborhood of 172 pounds.
Argh. How did I gain this much weight that I am at the starting weight of where I was when I started Jenny Craig in 2007? I know we've all been in this painful place of regret but, ugh.
Hey: on the bright side, by the end of March, I will undoubtably be feeling so much better about myself, right? And I will be able to wear my smaller clothing and will be at a weight I haven't been at for a couple of years... right? Wah wah. Please stop reading this, I am just whining.
And I really DO need to get back to work!
Of course I don't HATE her, but I badly want to follow in her footsteps! NOW!
Click here to see Catherine, Bandster Rockstar
Wow, if you haven't checked out her blog-- look at it for education and inspiration. I love how she has chronicled the whole journey (and excuse me for saying so) and shared her not so perfect moments along with the triumphs. It gives me hope.
A happy, healthy, social bandster who is out enjoying her life and newfound fitness. A bandster who was a foodie and still is a foodie and is living her life with the band and making it go. It takes my breath away a little bit. You go girl!
As for me, I am feeling a bit down in the dumps and like a fatty (sorry.) I cannot believe the amount of weight I've got to lose and how I got myself into this position in the first place. Why? I know, it is what it is, and I am thankful that I am getting things under control but still-- it is a long road ahead.
I saw my therapist today and we talked about the multitude of feelings that I do have about the band. He said that he sees that I am very eager to get the band placed-- and I think that is a great word: eager.
I have alot of mixed emotions:
Fear (will I die during surgery? will I be a band failure? will I hate the band?)
Eagerness
Excitement
Anger (with myself for needing this intervention)
Determination (I will do this)
Sadness (how did it come to this?)
Anxiety (not knowing what it will truly be like)
I'm usually really bad at identifying my feelings, but I am glad to say that I have a good hold on how I feel about the upcoming band-- perhaps it is just that I've been preparing myself for months on end, so I can call up all of the confusing emotions.
One thing's for sure: I am ready and also very focused on this band. Nothing else matters quite as much (except the health and happiness of my loved ones.) But I even feel like work takes a 2nd fiddle to this band procedure now. (Shhh, do not tell my boss.)
I feel a distinct shift in my left of 'giving a shit' about work and the various stresses and whatever. I just don't care quite as much and am getting through day by day right now.
I also feel disgusted with myself and how I am looking right now which pisses me off. I'm now officially on the downslide, and I wish that could be enough.
Something that put my unhappiness with my appearance into sharp relief is that I have friends planning a spa vacation for the end of March. I just did the math, and if I am lucky, I'll be down by at least 25 pounds by then (I am thinking: 2 more weeks of December, 4 in January, 4 in February, 2 in March for a total of 12 weeks.... ) Perhaps that is ambitious?
If I lose around 25 pounds in the next 3 months, I'll be in the neighborhood of 172 pounds.
Argh. How did I gain this much weight that I am at the starting weight of where I was when I started Jenny Craig in 2007? I know we've all been in this painful place of regret but, ugh.
Hey: on the bright side, by the end of March, I will undoubtably be feeling so much better about myself, right? And I will be able to wear my smaller clothing and will be at a weight I haven't been at for a couple of years... right? Wah wah. Please stop reading this, I am just whining.
And I really DO need to get back to work!
Thanks for the support and a little rough around the edges....
Thanks for all the great comments on my blog, I totally live for them (well, that may be a bit dramatized)-- but I read them all and it makes me feel a real bond with all of my blogger friends to know that we're reading about each others' struggles, triumphs, hopes and fears about the topic of WLS, but everything else that goes on in life as well. Life isn't just weight, right? Of course not.
That being said, I guess it is good I am doing a bit of a run up to the pre-op liquid diet (which is directed by my doc to be 2 weeks, and I still have a few days to go)... b/c yesterday I was a bit slippery.
I wound up eating less than 1200 calories, and less than 35 grams of fat-- but in addition to the protein shakes, I ate 3 pickles on my way home (I got them at the farmer's market that is right at my train station,) 2 oz of kosher salami -- at a whopping 150 calories and 15 grams of fat (yikes), and a handful of peanuts and raisins before bed.
Now, this is nothing near ridiculously too much- but I surely see a pattern of craving salty food b/c what I've had is sweet (from the shakes.)
I'll try to manage that with some veggies with vinegar / lemon juice today-- but no one ever said that the preop diet was easy. Nor did they say that the 'bandster hell' phase, which some go through, is easy either. Who knows what I'm up for?
Gotta keep my eyes on the prize and recall how much success all of you bandsters who have gone before me already have had.. I've watched it in the past few months. While I know you are all working hard, I also know that without our handy little bands-- we could never do (collectively) what is being done with such overall consistency. This gives me great hope. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT-- even if I'm not perfect all the time.
I'll say that again and again until I believe it.
That being said, I guess it is good I am doing a bit of a run up to the pre-op liquid diet (which is directed by my doc to be 2 weeks, and I still have a few days to go)... b/c yesterday I was a bit slippery.
I wound up eating less than 1200 calories, and less than 35 grams of fat-- but in addition to the protein shakes, I ate 3 pickles on my way home (I got them at the farmer's market that is right at my train station,) 2 oz of kosher salami -- at a whopping 150 calories and 15 grams of fat (yikes), and a handful of peanuts and raisins before bed.
Now, this is nothing near ridiculously too much- but I surely see a pattern of craving salty food b/c what I've had is sweet (from the shakes.)
I'll try to manage that with some veggies with vinegar / lemon juice today-- but no one ever said that the preop diet was easy. Nor did they say that the 'bandster hell' phase, which some go through, is easy either. Who knows what I'm up for?
Gotta keep my eyes on the prize and recall how much success all of you bandsters who have gone before me already have had.. I've watched it in the past few months. While I know you are all working hard, I also know that without our handy little bands-- we could never do (collectively) what is being done with such overall consistency. This gives me great hope. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT-- even if I'm not perfect all the time.
I'll say that again and again until I believe it.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Motivation, headaches, blabbery
Hey everyone: back at work Monday-- and while the vacation was great to throw off alot of the stress, I am feeling a bit 'blah' about work. My main focus is truly this banding stuff and I think it could be making me alittle bit anxious.
I'm sitting here sipping shake #2 of the day, and the funny thing about the shake/ protein diet is that it is a very 'lightening' diet-- I feel a little headachy, but mainly kind of lighter on my feet and more energized. Perhaps this is all mood related? Who knows?
Going through this pre-op diet thing is definitely a gauntlet that you take one day at a time-- I am glad to be at work, away from any temptations. In order to get any food, I'd need to get off my butt and go buy some. My shakes are right here for the taking-- mucho easier (ha ha, bad Spanish grammar, pls forgive me.)
On to the anxiety feeling-- who knows, I might need an adjustment downward on the medication I take-- I will discuss with the doc tomorrow. I have that 'no reason to be anxious' anxious feeling that I DESPISE. Bleh. That can often be chalked up to my medication needed to be dropped down a few hundred mg's-- but I am presently on the lowest maintanence dose that I typically take (300 mgs.) I certainly can drop down to 200 mg's -- which is what I'll propose to my doc tomorrow, but I don't want to mess with my mental state too much in the weeks before surgery. Ah yes: crazy days.
I am feeling very happy about the fact that every day I am going to be a little thinner and that this is going to go on for at least a number of weeks-- maybe the scale won't say it, but I will know it from following the pre-op instructions.
I've gotten some wonderful encouragement from all of you in the blogosphere so thank you so much!!
One downside, I did read a blog yesterday (accidentally came onto it) where the person really bashed weight loss surgery and said something like she couldn't believe that folks who ONLY have to lose 75 pounds would even consider such an option.
Really? I do wonder what kind of resentment, if any, I may be on the receiving end for going for surgery and needing to lose "only" around 50 pounds (despite the fact that I would aspire to lose around 60 to 70 pounds total.) This is a very personal decision-- and I had a very nice comment from Amy who noted that it was great that I am not waiting to do this until I've gained even more weight.
Thanks Amy, EXACTLY.
At my current weight, my BMI is in the "obese" zone (I haven't checked it lately, but it is probably around 34 or maybe even 35 right now) and I NEED to lose this weight. What I really need to do, especially, is stop the cycle of dieting and gaining weight that has been going on for years and years.
I have a right to go for this surgery-- just as much as the next guy or girl. Do I have to be morbidly obese to fit the picture? No! I know that I need to steel myself for judgments, people are totally 'judgy' about weight in general-- so who would imagine the WLS concept to come without judgments as well. It just kind of sends me off the deep end a bit.
I will have to learn acceptance and peace with my decision, no matter what hurtful things others have to say. This decision is mine for me-- and I know why I am doing it, to regain some of my potentially lost health, but mostly (since I am presently 'healthy' despite the extra poundage) to ward off future health problems. This is not simply a cosmetic advantage surgery, though I will admit that I cannot wait to enjoy my body and fit into nice clothes again and to hopefully never feel the stress of tight clothing and wondering if I'm gaining too much weight and not knowing what to do.
I know I am having blogger diarrhea, so I will quit now. Just some ramblings.
Gotta drink me up some shake now.
I'm sitting here sipping shake #2 of the day, and the funny thing about the shake/ protein diet is that it is a very 'lightening' diet-- I feel a little headachy, but mainly kind of lighter on my feet and more energized. Perhaps this is all mood related? Who knows?
Going through this pre-op diet thing is definitely a gauntlet that you take one day at a time-- I am glad to be at work, away from any temptations. In order to get any food, I'd need to get off my butt and go buy some. My shakes are right here for the taking-- mucho easier (ha ha, bad Spanish grammar, pls forgive me.)
On to the anxiety feeling-- who knows, I might need an adjustment downward on the medication I take-- I will discuss with the doc tomorrow. I have that 'no reason to be anxious' anxious feeling that I DESPISE. Bleh. That can often be chalked up to my medication needed to be dropped down a few hundred mg's-- but I am presently on the lowest maintanence dose that I typically take (300 mgs.) I certainly can drop down to 200 mg's -- which is what I'll propose to my doc tomorrow, but I don't want to mess with my mental state too much in the weeks before surgery. Ah yes: crazy days.
I am feeling very happy about the fact that every day I am going to be a little thinner and that this is going to go on for at least a number of weeks-- maybe the scale won't say it, but I will know it from following the pre-op instructions.
I've gotten some wonderful encouragement from all of you in the blogosphere so thank you so much!!
One downside, I did read a blog yesterday (accidentally came onto it) where the person really bashed weight loss surgery and said something like she couldn't believe that folks who ONLY have to lose 75 pounds would even consider such an option.
Really? I do wonder what kind of resentment, if any, I may be on the receiving end for going for surgery and needing to lose "only" around 50 pounds (despite the fact that I would aspire to lose around 60 to 70 pounds total.) This is a very personal decision-- and I had a very nice comment from Amy who noted that it was great that I am not waiting to do this until I've gained even more weight.
Thanks Amy, EXACTLY.
At my current weight, my BMI is in the "obese" zone (I haven't checked it lately, but it is probably around 34 or maybe even 35 right now) and I NEED to lose this weight. What I really need to do, especially, is stop the cycle of dieting and gaining weight that has been going on for years and years.
I have a right to go for this surgery-- just as much as the next guy or girl. Do I have to be morbidly obese to fit the picture? No! I know that I need to steel myself for judgments, people are totally 'judgy' about weight in general-- so who would imagine the WLS concept to come without judgments as well. It just kind of sends me off the deep end a bit.
I will have to learn acceptance and peace with my decision, no matter what hurtful things others have to say. This decision is mine for me-- and I know why I am doing it, to regain some of my potentially lost health, but mostly (since I am presently 'healthy' despite the extra poundage) to ward off future health problems. This is not simply a cosmetic advantage surgery, though I will admit that I cannot wait to enjoy my body and fit into nice clothes again and to hopefully never feel the stress of tight clothing and wondering if I'm gaining too much weight and not knowing what to do.
I know I am having blogger diarrhea, so I will quit now. Just some ramblings.
Gotta drink me up some shake now.
Betcha knew I'd weigh in: 197.5 'out the gate'
I did it, I got on the scale, scared out of my mind-- and there it is in my heading:
197.5 starting weight
Just a little higher than where I thought I'd be starting out, thanks to having to wait an extra 3 infuriating months (at times) to have the surgery. But it's a start and now I can really set my goals up and everything.... glad I did it.
Watch me shrink, y'all.
Preop diet prep day #3, I'm on it!
197.5 starting weight
Just a little higher than where I thought I'd be starting out, thanks to having to wait an extra 3 infuriating months (at times) to have the surgery. But it's a start and now I can really set my goals up and everything.... glad I did it.
Watch me shrink, y'all.
Preop diet prep day #3, I'm on it!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Good thing this is a practice run...Day 2 pre-op prep
So today was successful on the pre-op prep front-- but I did wind up eating some solid low fat protein while keeping to the rules of protein/ calories/ fat.
So here is today's report:
8am coffee w/ fat free creamer: 30 cals
10:30am
PPP: protein- 25 grams/ 140 calories/ 3 grams fat
1:30pm
3gg white omelette w/ chopped brocoli and 1/4 cup red.fat cheese/ 1 tbs ff creamer
9/160/5
4pm
PPP x2
6pm
10 large shrimp (80 calories, 18 grams protein, 1 gram fat)
1 mini bonbel red fat cheese (6 grams protein, 50 calories, 3 grams fat)
8:30pm
PPP
Today's totals:
Protein: 133 grams
Calories: 890
Fat: 21 grams
Not too shabby, right?
It isn't soooo hard, but it isn't so easy either. The reason I ate the shrimp and the piece of cheese is that I was at a kids' birthday party tonight and got to feeling really like I wanted something to eat and those shrimp seemed a healthy and reasonable choice. I even skipped the cocktail sauce to avoid extra sugar/ carbs.
Since this is my ramp up week-- I am glad that I am keeping within the limits of calories, protein, fat-- but once I reach 12/21/09 (the 'real' pre-op diet start date,) I'll stay more just on shakes with added veggies, as instructed. But I doubt I'm doing a bad thing with the solid foods that I am having so far-- they are hardly 'deal breakers.'
Looking forward to band day.. so glad I am finally on the road there!
So here is today's report:
8am coffee w/ fat free creamer: 30 cals
10:30am
PPP: protein- 25 grams/ 140 calories/ 3 grams fat
1:30pm
3gg white omelette w/ chopped brocoli and 1/4 cup red.fat cheese/ 1 tbs ff creamer
9/160/5
4pm
PPP x2
6pm
10 large shrimp (80 calories, 18 grams protein, 1 gram fat)
1 mini bonbel red fat cheese (6 grams protein, 50 calories, 3 grams fat)
8:30pm
PPP
Today's totals:
Protein: 133 grams
Calories: 890
Fat: 21 grams
Not too shabby, right?
It isn't soooo hard, but it isn't so easy either. The reason I ate the shrimp and the piece of cheese is that I was at a kids' birthday party tonight and got to feeling really like I wanted something to eat and those shrimp seemed a healthy and reasonable choice. I even skipped the cocktail sauce to avoid extra sugar/ carbs.
Since this is my ramp up week-- I am glad that I am keeping within the limits of calories, protein, fat-- but once I reach 12/21/09 (the 'real' pre-op diet start date,) I'll stay more just on shakes with added veggies, as instructed. But I doubt I'm doing a bad thing with the solid foods that I am having so far-- they are hardly 'deal breakers.'
Looking forward to band day.. so glad I am finally on the road there!
A little time on my hands... Happy Chanukah!
To all of my Jewish friends out there in blogland, Happy Chanukah... Adam Sandler's classic song makes me laugh every time!
Day 1 report-- "Pre-op Prep"
Above is a picture of the 'food journal' I've created for myself for my pre-op diet. It began with yesterday-- and runs through 1/3/10-- leading to my 1/4/10 surgery.
This post is a good place for anyone to start reading who is not particularly interested in my psychological lead up to the surgery and just wants to see the process from pre-op diet forward. I know I've read so many blogs with interest about the prep for surgery etc etc... so I figured I would put it out there. Some day, I might link this post as the true 'beginning' of the journey-- but who knows?
So: as we were travelling back from our vacation, I asked my husband, 'Do you remember whether I planned to start the pre-op diet on the Saturday after we return or the Sunday?' I guess there was a little hesitancy in the background for me-- who really WANTS to be on a liquid diet? One one hand, I was totally chomping at the bit to start b/c it means I'm starting, but on the other hand, I had my apprehensions.
DH kindly reminded me (without a hint of judgment, I might add-- b/c he just doesn't seem to care what I do in this regard, he is the opposite of controlling, which is so good for me!!) that I'd decided on Saturday after we return, but that it was up to me when I started because the doctor actually directed me to start on 12/21/10.
He also reminded me, rightly so, that since I am doing this for an extra week, I am free to take some 'liberties' if I so choose, so instead of doing a purely liquid diet yesterday, I wound up having an egg white omelette with a quarter cup of low-fat cheese for dinner- and a shake for dessert. Here is I 'ate':
*PPP stands for 'Pure Protein Plus' whey protein shake-- nutritional value= 25 grams protein, 130 calories, 2.5 grams fat
9am: Coffee w/ 1 tablespoon fat free creamer
1 PPP (w/ 2 tsp Benefiber)
11am: 1 PPP
2pm: 8 oz Campbell's Tomato Soup
4pm: 1 PPP
7pm: 3 egg white omelette with 1/4 cup low fat cheese
8pm: 1 PPP made with 8oz low fat milk (w/ 2 tsp Benefiber)
Based on the above, my totals for the day were:
96 grams protein
910 calories
15 grams of fat
AWESOME!
The goals, not sure if you can see them written out on the top of my journal page in the photo, are:
At least 50 grams of protein
Not more than 1000 calories per day
Not more than 35 grams of fat
So, a gold star day that I feel really great about. I also feel really great about that egg white omelette because it shows some needed flexibility with myself on my part. I can be very rigid and unforgiving and that won't work with this process. I am keeping the following known goals of the pre-op diet in mind:
1) De-fat the liver by limiting fat intake
2) Kick start weight loss by lowering calorie intake significantly
3) Keep protein stores high for maximal prep and healing from surgery
My added goal:
4) Begin the process of getting used to a different way of eating and finding ways to be satisfied with it before the surgery.
I get this real 'high' from getting my eating in check. I feel so much better and in control, and as I said in a previous post: psychologically 'thinner.' (Maybe the better word is 'lighter?')
I feel more worthy (um, this is one for the therapy couch) of treating myself well, and I am already feeling that change. I did my nails yesterday and colored my hair.. and it was about treating myself, rather than the 'chore' of keeping myself up.
You may be wondering why I haven't yet weighed in. The truth is that I am a bit scared to get on the scales-- and I am wondering if I am going to play it differently this time around and just use my clothing as a guide and try to weigh in much less frequently? I don't know, we'll have to see, but I am not ready for a scale just yet. Getting on a scale will definitely upset me and also begin a cycle of daily (perhaps several times daily) weigh-ins to monitor what will amount to a lot of water weight loss right now-- and not so much fat loss. I'd like to stay free of that trap as much as I can.
Right at this moment: I'm considering that I ought to throw away my scale, I hate it so much and want so much to do things differently this time around. The scale is just a game I used to play with myself-- and I even used it to justify bad behavior at times (I ate blah blah blah, but I didn't gain any weight!) That is just nuts.
I need to go back and read my own post about the weight loss process and see that a caloric deficit of around 3500 calories must occur for a pound of weight loss. It is very enticing to get on that scale and watch the numbers shrink so quickly at the beginning-- but it gets increasingly aggravating as the weight loss slows.
Hmmm-- you all know as well as I do that I will eventually get on the scale-- but I think I will wait as long as I can and try not to obsess on the 'number.' I know my starting weight at the doctor's office (back in September) fully clothed, was something like 194 or 196? And I was down to around 187 after a week of pre-op diet in September before my surgery was cancelled due to the infection I had in my finger.
Whatever. These are just signposts or reference points along the way. I can practically tell you what I weigh from certain pants in my closet-- I have a '185' pair that I would like to be into before getting on a scale...
:-)
So perhaps that will be the line in the sand-- I like that, once I get into those pants, I'll get on the scale OR go to surgery, whatever comes first. I KNOW I will weigh myself the morning of surgery, buckass naked on my home scale, as a point of reference.
Stay tuned!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I'm Baaaaaaaaa-ck
Hey Y'all-- we're back from Jamaica and it was an awesome trip.
And even better-- today begins my journey to the promised land of 'thin'-- ha ha... the Pre-op diet!
Here are a couple of pictures:
This is my son and my husband on the beach-- we spent tons of time out there... it is GORGEOUS.
I've got so much to tell you all about it, but I am truly glad to be back home-- while it was a wonderful trip and very relaxing and fun, I did have in the back of my mind that I was so looking forward to coming back home and starting this journey.
That's the good side of the thinking. The bad side of the thinking is the the self-conscious and (sadly) self-loathing feelings that come along with being overweight and SO wanting to change it. It doesn't get much worse or much more obvious than when you're forced to be in a bathing suit day after day. I imagine that I had a better time thinking that I knew I would be changing soon-- otherwise, if I saw some of the body shots that were taken (I'll share those soon) of me-- I'd have freaked out and thought: "What the hell am I going to do about my weight?"
So I'm also very grateful that I have this surgery plan. I'm so excited and feeling hopeful about THROWING AWAY the bathing suits I wore on this trip-- and starting all over with some awesome suits next summer. Of course, that will involve losing a bunch of weight-- but I can do it, right?
I can't wait to catch up on your blogs-- and share my pre-op to op journey with everyone. I am SO GLAD that I'm finally on my way. Had my first protein shake this morning and am feeling pyschologically thinner and more confident already!!!
Hope you've all had a good week... xo DL
And even better-- today begins my journey to the promised land of 'thin'-- ha ha... the Pre-op diet!
Here are a couple of pictures:
This is my son and my husband on the beach-- we spent tons of time out there... it is GORGEOUS.
And here is my adorable son with Cookie Monster...
And... here I am on the beach, shortly after getting a couple of little braids in my hair by one of the locals... I don't love that I'm wrinkling my brow in this shot (I was facing into the sun...) but it is one of the nicer shots of me from this trip!
I've got so much to tell you all about it, but I am truly glad to be back home-- while it was a wonderful trip and very relaxing and fun, I did have in the back of my mind that I was so looking forward to coming back home and starting this journey.
That's the good side of the thinking. The bad side of the thinking is the the self-conscious and (sadly) self-loathing feelings that come along with being overweight and SO wanting to change it. It doesn't get much worse or much more obvious than when you're forced to be in a bathing suit day after day. I imagine that I had a better time thinking that I knew I would be changing soon-- otherwise, if I saw some of the body shots that were taken (I'll share those soon) of me-- I'd have freaked out and thought: "What the hell am I going to do about my weight?"
So I'm also very grateful that I have this surgery plan. I'm so excited and feeling hopeful about THROWING AWAY the bathing suits I wore on this trip-- and starting all over with some awesome suits next summer. Of course, that will involve losing a bunch of weight-- but I can do it, right?
I can't wait to catch up on your blogs-- and share my pre-op to op journey with everyone. I am SO GLAD that I'm finally on my way. Had my first protein shake this morning and am feeling pyschologically thinner and more confident already!!!
Hope you've all had a good week... xo DL
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