He did it and moi today

Yep, the hubs went out and bought me my little 'spresso machine.
LOVES it.
What a great treat-- no calories!
Here I am today lookin' all corporate-y-- had a great meeting-- hoping it will lead to a new and great relationship. I don't want to get my hopes up- but it is too late.
Le sigh.
Wish me luckiness.

157--158... and an Espresso machine bday gift

Yeah, so now I am holding court a bit lower, in the 157 to 158 range.
Anyone in her (or his) right mind would say that I'm clearly standing firmly on a plateau-- but I also know that I will eventually break through this plateau.

Wow. Can't believe I wrote that with such confidence, but that is GENUINELY how I feel about it.
Wow again.

Thank you band.  For all of the trouble that you and I cause together for me sometimes (it's not SO bad, but not perfect, you know what I mean)-- it is amazing to feel a level of confidence in my weight.
It is amazing to go shopping and enjoy myself.
It is amazing to have the weight monkey off of my back.
I'm NOT scared that I'm going to gain the weight back right now.

I say 'right now' because I will always need to be vigilant-- and I've got miles to go and lots more to learn in terms of band management for life etc etc etc.  But I am so happy with where I am at... and I guess that it what is making the next phase hard to reach.

I can get there-- but I feel like some resolution of the stresses in other areas, including a very long commute, would REALLY help me resolve getting to the 'normal' BMI range.
So I am patiently making my way through that piece of the action-- and when I get to the next step, I feel that I will be able to get some more of the weight off.

In the meantime, I've gone very Zen in my quest for a new place to go and I am trying to stay in the moment.  This is not easy, but I am exerting all of my energy to keep from letting my mind fly off to different places to go.  In the next 3 weeks, I have several meetings with desirable 'partners'-- so I'll have to see what happens.

Prior to this week, I was really suffering through the waiting period-- but I've reset myself and am very much focusing on "The Power of Now."  Did you ever read that book by Eckhart Tolle?  It was once recommended to me by a therapist of mine... not my current one, who has sort of been my life long psych. doc-- but one I saw for a brief time, a social worker who was across from my office several hospital jobs ago.  She was very nice, and it was a good run of it, shortly after I got married.  And the main things I took away from that therapy run were:
1) I try to control EVERYTHING, but I must realize that I don't really control anything (not even myself and my feelings sometimes!)
2) Staying in the moment really helps with anxiety-- thinking way ahead just gets me crazed and ruminative.

Perhaps that is why I feel OK about my weight and my weight loss progress right now-- I am in an acceptance mode of where I am and I am not fighting with myself because I neither had to force myself down to this weight, and I do not anticipate a fight with myself to get my weight lower. Yeah, that seems about right.

So: while it is a significantly more challenging effort-- my efforts are very related, right now, to focusing on the week that I am in, the moment that I am in at the place I go and just going through my days- staying engaged in what I am doing there.  Even if I find it somewhat miserable overall-- I am trying not to think too much about it, because sooner or later: I will NOT be there.

On another and lighter note: my birthday is fast approaching, and while I don't like to be a spoiled brat -- I am thinking that I will go with getting an awesome Espresso machine from Ne*spre*so for my bday.
I was on a b-trip to and stayed in a fancy hotel and got to try out the amazing device that makes divine espressos-- fairly mess free.  Pictures below...
This is an expensive machine-- the one I am considering is about $200-- and then you have to buy the pods from exclusive places-- and they are about 50 cents each.  But what is life for but for living? I am not getting a machine like this other than for my own (and hubs') enjoyment-- it is not to impress anyone with a status symbol.
It will be a birthday gift, which I feel is justifiably a bit decadent ... so, it's ok, doncha think?

Does anyone have one of these? Reviews? Thoughts?
Very curious...

Here are the pods, they are so pretty-- smaller than "K-cups"

I am interested in the C100 machine-- anyone have one? I am not going to get a milk frother...

MMMM. Espresso.  No calories-- very dessert-y!

Writer's block?

I started a post earlier today-- and then I didn't have much to say.
I feel a bit blocked, and also a bit politically correct-- vs. being 'fighty' so to speak.

I've been reading around about some semantics arguments having to do with 'dieting.'
Anyone who knows me at all has heard me say that 'diet' is a four letter word for me-- and I do not believe in dieting anymore.

Oh-- believe me: going on a diet is such a delicious thought in many ways.
The answer to all of my problems!
A fresh start!
The beginning of the end of my struggles with food!
Finally finding the 'thin' me!!

Yeah, right.
I bought into all of that crap for a number of years (let's say about 20  at least...) and it never worked.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to 'diet.'  I really don't care what you do.  I feel that the band has really put me in a unique situation-- and one that is not entirely ideal at times.

The good news: I've lost weight and am around 157 pounds as I write this today... bought a pair of jeans from Target today in a size 10... fit 4 (curvy)...image below:

 and an adorable quilted vest from Talbots in Petite Small (nearly the SMALLEST SIZE IN THE STORE!!)... showing my freakeshly unmatched figure (hips around 40 inches, waist around 27 inches. Yeah. That's true!)  Here is an image of the vest:

Talbots vest   (see more sports vests)

I definitely haven't given up on losing weight-- but now am working mainly to manage a tight band without having to go back for an unfill. This is really, really hard. My band is being mercurial because of the ongoing stresses in my life.
I looked back and I can see that the month of September has been majorly wacky because of a number of opportunities-- several of which aren't totally resolved yet.  Ugh.

And there isn't an IMMEDIATE end in sight.

I can't go back to the 'diet' days because I don't have as many food options.  I can't make choices like "eat 5 oz of lean protein for lunch and 6 oz of lean protein for dinner with a huge salad !" Nope.  The band prevents me.

I'm not saying I cannot eat healthy foods with a band-- it is just that I need to be mindful of the level of my tightness right now.  I am doing smoothies in the mornings many days per week to assure my protein level and get some nice berries (for fiber and vitamins) into my system.

The point of this ABSURB post is that I don't like being judged.  I could avoid reading judgement posts-- but at the same time, I wish to explain myself at some level...
I also wish to defend the band as a really great choice for me.
Around my birthday last year I weight 173 pounds.
This year: I'll be right around 157.  That's an accomplishment.

I hope that in 2012 that I'll be able to say I'm even lower than 157-- maybe at goal a year from now... I don't know: my mind and my post are clearly wandering.

What do I have to prove anyway?
I am looking DAMN good and having NSV's regularly-- did you see above where I said that I am wearing the nearly smallest size sold in a vest in Talbot's? Hell to the yes!!

BYOC-- I am always late with this...

BYOC!  Here I am, bringing my own crazy... 


 If you were a character on Friends, who would you be and why? 

I am totally Monica-- I am ambitious and motivated, can sometimes be shrill and obsessive and demanding, but I am overall a pretty lovable person.  I also don't take shit from anyone. 


If you weren't in your current career what other career do you think you would have done?

Television or Film production. I never considered it before I was an adult, but I've tested out several times on career tests that have said that I'd be great at it.

 What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 6?
A doctor, in high school, that morphed into being a lawyer, because everyone in my family is a lawyer.  Then I discovered my field when I was volunteering at a Rehab Hospital in college-- went for a masters and the rest is history.
Do you think everyone only has one soulmate or true love? Or are there multiple people for everyone?

I do not believe in soul mates, but I do believe in 'true love' -- which I'd classify as literally wanting to give your own life to save the person you love... that's how I feel about my husband and my son.

Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.


Blog land: I've been somewhat quiet in comments, just busy with the place I go stuff.
Real life: Very hard time right now being in limbo with certain opportunities, and getting rejected from several good opportunities-- but being told that I was the 2nd choice. A back handed compliment that tells me that I'm looking at the right level but confirms what I know:
I tend to be one of the youngest people at my level in my field.

I wish I could share more with you all-- but it's not safe to do so-- suffice it to say, I'm suffering and have returned to weekly therapy to get additional support to get myself through the search and hopefully will be coming out the other side very soon.

PS: I know I am blessed and fortunate in many ways, so I feel bad complaining, but my problems are still real for me...and they hurt just as much.

157.1 today...

I am so happy... after a few days of being careful: I got to eat dinner.
Weird dinner too, but delicious: hubs made fried green tomatoes and cous cous-- and there was a side of olive tapenade too.
Thrilled I could eat.
Whoops... I drank a bit much: had a martini PLUS 1/2 a glass of wine.
This was to top off a BAD day where I was just in a terrible and unsettled mood... more info to follow, but nothing to say in the moment in that regard.

On an unrelated note: I FINALLY took some clothes in for alterations-- looking forward to getting my suit jackets back-- mainly having the sleeves shortened and getting my new jeans a bit shorter (by an inch, but still long enough to wear with heels.)

Yay dinner.... I am so excited to have eaten after a week of crap situations.  There is hope for me yet, and the best part, I see my weight starting to move down the scale as well.

157.3-- still wondering...

My girl Kristen (who happens to be my band 'sista' by the way-- we were banded on the very same day, 1/4/10) told me that from my post yesterday that I might be looking at an unfill.
I might agree... but I might not.
I really need to check in with myself about the solid protein bit-- but also, need to still acknowledge that if I could just get myself into gear and baby my band for a few days, I might not need to run into NY.

The key is to do it mindfully and be sure that I am not getting crazy hungry from liquids.
How to do that? Probably a whole lot of protein.

I've done well on some mornings...  (when I am at my best) with a nice smoothie that is like a cup ful of health: 1 container (130 cals) of Fage 2 percent Greek yogurt, about 1/2 cup of frozen berries and half a cup of milk-- 24 grams of protein to start the day. I sip this over the course of about 45 minutes or so... so I know that I am tight in the AM's.

Lunchtime is a crapshoot-- and this is part of the problem.  I am fairly certain that this is solid food bonanza time for me... and yet: I do not take advantage of it.
In any case, today, I think I'll be sticking to soup for lunch, just to be sure I don't irritate myself.

Dinner is the WORST. I have to admit that it has been about a week of almost daily regurgitation incidents (ugh, I know.)  This is what I must get under control.

If I know it is happening-- then why fight with myself at the moment? With good planning to try to get myself through what I think is swelling, rather than an overtight band (I think...)-- I believe that I can overcome this without an unfill.

PLUS: I like my weight this morning-- 157.3, and that is part of the whole sticking to more liquids bit that I've been doing for the time being.

So: the moral of the story is that I need to commit to soup for DINNER for a few days.  Today is Wednesday, I can do this for tonight and tomorrow at the least. Then I can reassess.

The good news: I am totally able to drink liquids (and can eat sliders like Pirate's booty/ cheese puffs or cheese)- sliders, not so good, but liquids are a MUST, of course... so I am not in any danger of dehydration.  The thing that worries me is that I don't want to continually stress my band with episodes, and it is a not a way to live permanently.

The bottom line is that I am in a moment of transition and it will soon become clear whether I need to go back to the doc or if I can calm things down without an unfill.

.... stay tuned for another episode of 'As the Band turns'....

I probably don't need to ask this...

Seems like my band is too tight.  Every night, I have trouble eating solid food. It doesn't seem like it should be like this, but on the other hand, I am trying to let things calm down (so much for the liquid diet-- that wasn't a go) b/c I have been under a fair bit of stress lately.

Thing is: my weight has been pretty stable-- 158.5 this am, so I am not loosing weight at this level of adjustment and I'm wondering if my level of tightness is interfering with good food choices.

Fill, unfill, fill, unfill-- la la la.  Annoying.
I am not quite ready to run into NYC to get an unfill-- but hmmm.. it is beginning to seem like it might be wise to get a bit out.
Perhaps I ought to call and see when they are next in their satellite office.
Hmmm again.

You know: it is not an emergency, rather: it is a sense that I could eat better if things were loosened up and I could work on some more solid proteins.

I don't know, I don't know-- but I am beginning to form the thought that I ought to do something.  Of course: I am doing my thing from home base tomorrow-- so if I really feel like it, I could show up there in the AM and get some fluid out.

Perhaps I might... hmmm some more.

Life Aikido

Whatever You Fight, You Strengthen, and What You Resist, Persists – Eckhart Tolle

If you look at your life situation and find aspects in it that are not congruent with your well-being, it just shows that you have been holding on to some negative vibrations within you. When you try to fight back something that you don’t like, you only strengthen its presence in your life, it just keeps growing. Life is naturally based on well-being, when you let it flow it clears away all the negatives in your life. If instead of allowing life to flow, you live in state of resistance, in a state of opposition, you will continue to create more of the reality that you don’t like.

Aikido is a martial art where you use the power of others to overtake them and protect them in the process.  In other words, if someone is running at you, instead of resisting, you allow them to overtake you and them will ultimately fall over under their own power, rather than you having to do much at all.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aikido

Clearly, many people think this is a good way to go in life, as is seen in the quote above, and I can apply this thinking to so many situations.  I was trolling around the internet this am, thinking more about my weekday life, than anything else, but what occurs to me is that "whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist persists" is very much the way of the weight loss process for me.

I fought my weight for years-- and what I eventually had to show for it was a steady INCREASE in my weight.  Then I had weight loss surgery, stopped fighting my weight, paid attention to other things and voila: the weight came off WITHOUT the fight.

But I'm not done, and I believe the next step is to stop fighting my BAND.

I like to think of myself as a good little bandster, but sometimes I really eff things up.  The past week or so has been a very tight time for me, and instead of truly owning this tightness and going with what my band has been telling me-- I've been going along and trying to eat like I normally would.

This has resulted in lots of regurgitation episodes and a vicious cycle of what I imagine is swelling, leading to more episodes and generally being pissed off, feeling a bit sorry for myself about the band and not getting enough nutrition to feel satisfied.  Meanwhile: I didn't get on the scale this morning because I just don't feel like it, and I am pretty sure my weight is exactly where it was previously.

I am not eating too much and not eating enough to gain weight-- but just enough to maintain myself exactly where I am.

Clearly: I need to take a philosophical lesson in stopping the resistance-- but I also need to figure out what that means.... hmmmm.

Let's see, if I were to stop resisting the band, what would I change?

1) I would recognize that my best eating time is midday, and use that as the time to get my healthiest choices in.  I ought to focus on a very balanced meal at midday-- protein, veggies, fruit, maybe a grain serving. 

2) I would also recognize that even at my best eating time, my portion size ought to be limited to about a cup of food.

I have been majorly resisting this lately-- and I suspect my resistance is related to the need to comfort myself.  Where have I turned: comfort eating!

What has resulted is a tight band and NO comfort.  Guess what: comfort eating is a thing of the past for me and I've really got to accept that too.

About that cup of food: I really mean that! It is not hunger that is driving me to try to eat more-- it is the desire to 'fress' as we say in Yiddish-- to sit down to a big portion and really 'throw down.'

Game over, that doesn't work for me anymore, but I just haven't accepted that fact.  But I'm going to try that much hard, having realized the error of my ways and thinking.

3) I ought to recognize at the times that are tighter (morning and evening)-- I can have nutritious choices, and I ought to do so.  I must drink enough water, because I truly don't think it is fair to my body not to have enough hydration (this is truly how I think of it-- I get guilty if I don't drink enough water!)

I've taken on certain habits that work just fine, like having coffee with milk or half and half (I know, fattening, but it is nice and creamy and if it's the only thing I am having...well...) in the morning when I get up and leaving it at that.

If I try to eat too early in the day (except maybe a nibble or two) I set up a bad day.

4) Another realization, all related to the above: large bites are my undoing.  I simply can't seem to slow myself down enough to chew enough, and that can lead to the vicious cycle I spoke about above.

Then I am hungry and essentially wind up in the resistance mode of trying to eat when I really cannot-- and I make things worse, feel angry and stressed, and the cycle goes on.

There is more to say on this path, but it is all related, and it is probably redundant.  The key take homes are:

-- Drink in the mornings, don't eat until late morning

-- Take advantage of the best time to eat for myself, midday. Be sure to get a healthy mix of foods at that time.

-- Treat my body right by drinking a lot of water- it is healthy and makes me feel good!

-- DO NOT FIGHT the facts of the band: my portions must be small, my bites must be small, my eating must be slow and I must learn a new way to appreciate the taste, smell, and texture of food-- rather than shoving a lot down my throat. I just won't happen.

There may be some band haters out there that would read this post and say, "WTF? She's nearly two years into this and hasn't gotten the message about her band? What a waste." To that, I have to say, "Yes, I'm nearly two years into this and I'm still learning.  My learning curve tells me that the band was the right choice-- if I did not have my band, I'd weigh at least 40 pounds more than I do today and with the stresses I've been under in the past year, lord know what kind of crazy eating behavior I might have justified to make myself feel 'better.'  At least my band was a tool that helped stop me from that crap."

Oh, and I also must say that I KNOW the band is not meant to be the police office for my body.  The best use of the band is to manage my hunger-- not to cause me side effects that will essentially STOP me from eating.  Nevertheless, sometimes the band has to be the 'bad cop,' instead of just a good old friend who says 'hey, aren't you feeling full-- how 'bout quitting eating right now before you over do it?'

Today, I'm committed to lots of water, going slow, eating small bites, healthy foods in small portions, focusing on protein and taking good care of me.

What did the Borg say: "Resistance is futile," right?

I'm there.

Edited to add:
I really wish I could get myself together to go on a liquid diet for 3 to 5 days... perhaps I can do it.
Not only would it help me to rest my band, but I think it might also get me a bit more focused and settled-- but also turn my thoughts from food as comfort and focus my energies otherwise.
Not only that: a liquid diet is easy in the concept that there is nothing to do but have liquids.
Today is Sunday, so I don't know... but I am feeling ready to do something a bit different.
I could go get myself some premixed protein shakes and I can also have vegetable juice in there and have at it.
We'll see... I'm not making any promises, just seeing where the day will take me.

Tick tock

I've been waiting fruitlessly all week for news about new places to go-- and I'm afraid that both of my hot prospects are not so hot after all.
The irony is that the 1st one was something I almost cancelled going to b/c of a bad review I heard from someone who knows someone there... but I went anyway and then got increasingly more excited.
One of the best things about Place #1 is that it is 14 miles from my house.  That would be about a 20 to 30 minute com*mute depending on travel.
I also got the feeling that I was a great person for the part they were offering, which then got me more interested.  But alas, no word yet.
I think it is likely that if I do not hear anything today-- Place #1 is a no go.

Place #2 is 50 miles away and would probably necessitate a move. I have been there before for a round of 'me-etings' in the past-- they chose someone with 20 more years of ex*perience-- but told me how much they'd like me.  And then a recent call telling me that they might have something else.  It really feelsl like they led me on... told me they'd be in touch this week to set up another time to get together for THIS week. And that they'd send me the specs on the things I might do in this role.  But I've got nuthin' from them.... humbug.

The search for a new place to go is always challenging. This e*conomic environment is making things worse, even though I'm in an i**ndustry that has j0bz.  That said: I am also at a place in my 'place I go' life where the thing I do is kind of at the top and there aren't too many of my posi(tion. Makes it all the more challenging to find something and find something that is the right fit.

My battery on my laptop is running low right now- so I'll post more later...

Of gossips, tattle tales, and wusses

Types of people I cannot stand:

-- Tattle-tales.
Yeah, the grown up kind. Do the math with me here. There are places you go in this world where others can go and 'tell on you' to people who have influence.  Sometimes, the 'telling' isn't anything you may have done wrong, but it is just designed to cause difficulty are throw off negative energy from that person who would be negative to them on to someone else.

-- Gossips.
People who repeat stuff, especially to get others into trouble, are really disgusting individuals. Not to mention a whole other contingency of people who make up gossip or expand on gossip.  And then there is the other side of gossip: those who use gossip to stir the pot.

--Back stabbers.
There's nothing like the old 'Southern handshake,' you know, where they smile at you in the face, and then you turn around and they put a knife in your back..
There is a certain type of person who can be so treacherous that they literally work on your undoing. And you really need to watch for these folks and stealthily take them down or dismantle the back stabbing behind THEIR backs.  Open warfare with these types is not possible or productive.

-- Wusses.
Otherwise known as cowards. People who go anyway the wind blows usually have many of the traits listed above.  I hate people without a backbone. Enough said.

--Insecure types
There are individuals who are so NOT right with themselves that they have to be followers, even when the behaviors or actions they are following are wrong or bad.  This grosses me out. I am not talking about criminal behavior, just bad behavior by adults.

Unfortunately: I am not creating these profiles out of my imagination. I encounter them on weekdays, and often people embody several of these at once.

Talk about a toxic environment.
But while one is in a toxic environment, it is best to put on a proverbial 'gas mask' and fog through until the smoke clears.


Once upon a time, a co*ll*ea*gue of mine told me that she found a new place to go.  Good for her!! She has been at the current place far too long... 12 years (!!!) but now has a new and better direction.
What was her breaking point?

She shared that she was on her way to a tra*ining recently (I was there too,) and was caught in traffic due to a car accident on the L*I*E (a notoriously bad road for traffic to begin with.)
When she called her direct s*u*per*visor (who reports to a person who is at my level, and who embodies many of the traits above, but didn't inspire my post,) her sup*er*visor said "Take a picture of the traffic and send it to me so I have proof."

WHAT THE FUCK???

What fortunate timing for the person I'm talking about because she'd just had an offer of a new place to go that week... so the moral of the story is: she r-e-s--i-g-ned-- and justice was swiftly served to her cowardly sup*er*visor, who was clearly asking for a picture of the traffic so that she could cover her OWN butt, in case her ma*na*ger (who had planned the training)-- gave her a hard time about st*a*ff being late to the training.

Not to toot my own horn, but as a counterpoint, I'd say ~70% of the attendees either rep*orted to me re*po*rted to someone who repo*rts to me-- and I just said "See you when you get here, I understand about the traffic..." when I got similar calls.

I rest my case about assholish behavior.


Another gibberish post brought to you by Dinnerland.
You regularly scheduled non-gibberish post will return asap.

158.2-- Me today with pictures

We're getting close to fall, so I am now using some of my summer dresses with tights. Case is point:

Remember when I bought this dress in May?

No HUGE weight changes, but I think I can actually see and feel a slight difference in the fit of the dress.  Looks like I was pretty much in the 157--160 range at that time...

I will remind myself, and anyone who is willing to listen: in previous years, I could just as easily put ON 20 pounds in that many months.

AND: with my birthday up and coming (October 5th)-- I am glad to say it won't be a year where I think back to how much FATTER I was the previous year.  I know I'll weigh less this birthday than last year.  I'll get the exact data another time.

Cheers and have a great day!

Tight band on tight band...

So,  I was at 158.6 this morning-- and incidentally, that is the lowest weight I've been at on the 13th of the month for many, many months... could this be a sign of good things to come?

Don't know, but I am sure that I am in a bit of a frustrating place in band land.  VERY tight band. Argh.  I  believe that if I could just calm things down and not try to eat things like Chinese noodles for dinner (yeah, I went there... and I shouldn't have)-- I'd be much better off.
Tomorrow ought to be a pretty liquidy day.

Trouble for me is that my hubs does a lot of the food shopping and has had a bit of a chest cold/ infection lately.  I feel bad to ask him to go and get some of my favorite dinner soups... but maybe I'll need to suck that up.

I am still VERY determined to get the rest of this weight off-- so please stay tuned.

I want to let each of you know that I continue to post on many days a week because of my weight loss and weight maintenance (eventually) determination.  Bloggers may come and go, but some of us stay.  Our journies may not be as fascinating or exciting to way-- because the major 'drama' of weight loss in a large degree has already happened.

But I hope that I will still keep some readers even as I go VERY slow and even as I am no longer making dramatic big shifts. Actually: did I ever do that?

Regardless-- this blogging community is so important to me-- YOU are all important to me.  The sense of not being alone, the sense of perspective on my weight loss life plus other life factors is really grounding and can be very fun but also motivating.

I will keep on blogging, even if I'm going through a bit of a 'boring' blogging phase.
I still loves you all... and I will keep trying to bring some interesting content too.

Book recommendations....

I love this book! "Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in NY" is touted as a 1970's Bridget Jones, and sort of Sex and the city as well.
You are looking at the title page of my new book-- which cost a grand total of .99 cents.  I had to replace my old version which literally was disintegrating.  But I could not bear to part with this classic tale of Jewish single woman's woes in NYC.  I so related back in the day-- though I am no longer in Sheila's place.  (Granted, it is a book and it is really an exaggeration...)
But it is funny, a bit poignant, and now: quaintly dated with expressions like, "Isn't she the most?," and how much people "dig" things.

Loves it!!

Speaking of Sex and the City, I also have been loving me some trash Candace Bushnell books on CD. I drive a lot during the week to get to the various places I oversee (bleh...) and I've now listened to "One Fifth Avenue" and "Lipstick Jungle" on CD.  I am currently beginning to read "Trading up" -- which actually predates "Lipstick Jungle," and is also going to be enjoyable.
These are pretty trashy and soap-opera-esque... but if you're anything like me: they are great escapist books.

Yummy and NO calories!

Speaking of calories... I'm not having a whole lot of them b/c of a tight/ stress induced band.  I am awaiting some decisions on things that have been going on re: opportunities and it is STRESSING ME OUT, yo.  That's all I can say... and the depressing thing is that there may be very little to say in the end b/c nothing may come of these 2 things that are going on right now.
Depressing. Depressing and stressful.  I hate the not knowing and the being stirred up by MAYBE getting a different place moving for myself.

We shall see.

Anyhow: hope you are all well... and I find myself, once again, a bit in the "Waiting Place"-- a reference to Dr. Suess's "Oh the Place's you'll go."
Excerpted below for your reading pleasure... bolded for my own personal emphasis reasons...

...Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. 

You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. 

Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! 

Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! 

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. A

nd the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Yes! You will, indeed! And will you succeed? (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.) Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!

September 11th- a terrible day.

Yes: a terrible day-- but those terrorists didn't stop us from going on and living. We are heartbroken at the violence and pain, and it is still raw... but the butterfly is a symbol of hope.
And we weren't destroyed by those evildoers.

Can't really post much of anything else today.
Stay tuned for normalness tomorrow.
In the meantime, I am sitting with my husband watching some DVD's and obsessively avoiding the news  so I don't have to relive it.
My heart does go out to the many families and friends who lost loved ones.
Peace.

Out.

One tight band...

158.0 this morning.

I should be lower but had a dirty martini last night and the night before... damn, I wish I hadn't because I could have had the pleasure of seeing a new low, like 156ish due to the upcoming TOM.

Rats.
I was thinking about a time when I was able to lose a lot of weight in my 20's. (I was 26 going on 27, actually.) I may have reflected on this time in my life before.  Granted, I was single and my main focus was losing weight.  I basically starved the weight off-- and I went from around the weight I am nowish (maybe I was slightly heavier to begin with?) and went down to around 136 pounds.

I mean that I 'starved' it off in that I think that I was eating somewhere around 900 to 1000 calories per day-- and the weight did fall right off.
One of the keys to my success was that I ate a fairly unvaried diet:
I had 1 lg bowl of Special K with skim or 1% milk for breakfast, a roll and a piece of fruit for lunch, or a small portion of steamed chicken and vegetables, and a Lean Cuisine for dinner. If I didn't have a Lean Cuisine, I'd have salmon with vegetables or the equivalent.  And then I'd allow myself a Kudo's bar (about 110 calories) for dessert each night.

This was by no means 'eating disordered'-- but I was pretty obsessed with getting the weight off and focused much of my concentration on keeping myself on the eating straight and narrow.... I wanted that weight to come down!!

Of course: as soon as I let up on my tight hold on my calories, food, portions-- I put the weight back on... le sigh.

But I think there is a good lesson for me there in terms of HOW I can easily get weight off and in what ways I can use what I learned in my 20's with my band, and in a more moderate and less obsessive way to get another 10-15 pounds off of me.

The bottom line:
Getting very regular and orderly about my intake.
I think I do eat some things very habitually-- but it is probably time to take stock and plan out some simple and fail safe meals that I could eat for a week or so and see how it goes.

Here is what comes to mind:
Early AM-- coffee w/ milk or half and half (~80 calories)
Mid-morning-- 1 packet of cream of wheat or 1/2 protein bar or fruit/ yogurt smoothie (~150 calories)
Lunch-- salad with 3 to 4 oz protein, 1 tbs olive oil,  (~400 calories)
Dinner-- 3/4 can of Chunky soup (~350 calories-- or less)
Dessert-- 1/2 protein bar (100 calories)
Optional-- 1 glass of wine or drink (200 calories)

Total: 1300( including the drink)

Ring me up for one tight band please.  I think stress really does play a part, even if it is good stress.   There has been a lot of stuff happening with opportunities around changing the place I go and it could all come to nothing in the end-- but just some good stuff.  It makes me crazy anxious to be unsettled... and even the slightest built guilty for considering the change.  That just goes to show you just what a guilty person I am, because I have every reason for making a change in the world.  And when I am ready to make that change, I may decide to be more forthcoming about my opinions of my experience while in the current place.

I know, this must be SO annoying to read... I wish I could say more, but suffice it to say-- I would like to situate myself somewhere that allows me more time to exercise and take care of myself, and less time driving around in my car!!

I also mean to get to your comments on my last post-- and Catherine, I would LOVE to go to Soul Cycle, but you're right, I'm rarely in downtown NYC on a weekday.

However: now that I think of it, could it be fun to do a bandster meet-up at Soul cycle and brunch afterwards??? 

Is anyone in the NYC area game?

On another note, I have been uber busy with place I go stuff, so it hasn't been much of a week to post.

And: I total bagged on my exercise plan, haven't been back on the treadmill since last Sunday (crap.) But I will exercise today... 

We're going to the shore, we haven't been all summer (we actually hate going where 'everyone' goes when 'everyone' goes-- because that = traffic and crowds. ) 

And one other thing for this disjointed post:  Yes, I know it is the anniversary of 9/11 tomorrow. I serious cannot take all the opportunistic television crap... ugh. I am pretty much avoiding all TV and news until the date passes.

I don't mean to be cruel or awful-- it's just that I lived it and I don't want to relive it.  As a New Yorker on that day and in the many weeks and years that followed, it was woven into the fabric of our lives afterwards...

I remember 9/11 many days-- I don' t need to participate in the special ceremonies tomorrow.

Like I said, I hope you won't think I'm terrible for saying these things.

Anyhow: that's all for now folks.

Hanging in the 158--159 zone

Things have been super busy and I want to tell you all about it... but there is a lot that I cannot write about on my blog.
One thing I can say is that I am presently plateaued at my 158ish moment.  Fortunately: I am not going back and seeing the 160's... but I've got a lot more to do, I know I keep saying that.

I don't know when I will get that mojo to continue... but I know that I need to let myself have this bit of waiting time to really work it through to go the next step.
I may need to even go on a temporary diet/ refocus once I get that energy back.
What I do know is that I have more pounds to lose, and it's about my health-- not my appearance... that's the next step.
But the positive thing is that losing more weight will only be a cosmetic ENHANCEMENT... so that's an important way to look at it!
Is it today?
I don't know when that key will turn in the lock-- but I am sure that I'm not going to be permanently satisfied where I am... but I must admit, the URGENCY is kind of gone...
I'm looking for urgency without self-punishment/ guilt or blame.... where the hell is THAT?

Am I looking for an illusive emotional 'tone' for weight loss? One where I accept myself as I am but also where I can really focus my energies on losing more weight.

Maybe other changes in my life that may be coming will help me go the next step... more soon.

Smaller motions towards success

I was over reading at Camille's blog (I am too lazy to link it, but it is "Living large in Corpus Christi") and she is happy to report that her motivation is back-- she's working out and eating right.
Good for you C!!

As for me, I said a few posts ago that I was going to take a break from focusing on getting my weight to come down (because it hasn't been moving lately)-- and get back to weight loss mode after a small break.
That doesn't mean that I'm doing the all or nothing thing of the past.

The band doesn't allow 'all or nothing' behavior-- which is another key to the band being a great choice for me.  But the difference between losing weight and not losing weight with the band has a lot to do with food and activity choices.

Hence: without realizing it before reading Camille's blog, I am actually making some smaller motions towards gearing up to further success.
Mainly: I am upping my exercise goals.  I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I haven't been exercising much or regularly for a while, even though I love to exercise.

Yesterday, I got back on our handy, dandy treadmill (located conveniently in our basement and right in front of a large screen TV!) and did 40 minutes of walking and sculpting.  I didn't run yesterday, but I interspersed the incline (up to level 12) with bouts of sit ups, push ups, and 5 pound dumbell for my deltoids, bis and tris.

My eating, yesterday, and the day before, left something to be desired-- honestly.

Eating with the band is NOT always easy, and sometimes when I start off badly (yesterday, it was with good intentions and bad results, more in a second)-- the day just goes to shit.

So yesterday, I prepared myself an egg with some mozzarella cheese mixed in (protein bump)-- and served it with about a tablespoon of tzatziki sauce (essentially garlic and dill laced yogurt.)
I ate the damn thing way too fast and proceeded to have one of the uglier episodes of side effects in that the egg was stuck but just laying there and wouldn't come back up -- but did in spurts for over an hour (ugh.)

I know this might sound absolutely HORRID to the uninitiated -- and it wasn't a fun hour or so (I was doing other stuff in between, like showering, cleaning the kitchen) because I wasn't comfortable, feeling like something was stuck and waiting for it to go down or knowing I'd need to stop what I was doing, go to the bathroom and spit up some egg (ugh again!!)
However: it is a relatively small price to pay for all of the gains of having the band.

Side effects like this one are also TOTALLY controllable if I just follow the damn rules... but alas: they take a long, long time to master (the rules) and are easily forgettable.  Not to mention: the rules are a fucking pain in the ass, but are very conducive to really enjoying food, good digestion, and a sense of satiety.  Dammit: I hate when doctors are right!

Here are some recent, deceptively simple, realizations that make me say "Doh!" (think Homer Simpson)-- but are important to remember:

Take small bites.
By small, I mean bite should be no larger than about 1 inch square (so to speak.)  Hmm, what can I compare that to?
Evil reference:  ~ 1/16th of a Milky Way bar...

Chew food to liquid and swallow several times during chewing cycle.
I've learned that foods that don't dissolve easily and are not chewed very well will get stuck and stay stuck.  On the other hand, I've also learned that I can even eat bread and pasta, VERY CAREFULLY, if I follow the chewing and bite size lessons I am putting in here.
As for swallowing during the 'chewing cycle'-- what I mean is this:
Picture putting a bite of salad with chicken into your mouth, it's a small to medium bite.  Begin chewing and working your food into a liquid 'bolus' (that is the technical term, by the way.) Swallow some of the saliva as you are chewing, sort of tucking the bolus into your cheek, continue chewing, swallow more saliva agin, and then when your food is sufficiently chewed-- swallow the rest.

Forget the portion sizes you once knew and just accept that you have a lap band!!  Think 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup... and then you're DONE.
Ever since getting the band, I've been struggling with the newer identity of me being a little 'birdy' eater.
The struggle is for nought! I just cannot eat tremendous portions of food-- and if I do, back up it comes (I know, gross, but it is not like vomiting, just regurgitation of food that I chewed a minute ago...)
This is a HUGE rule to remember, and it makes food choices, bite size, chewing and pacing (see below) very important.
I can envision my digestive tract and see it like a car pile up.  Once my upper stomach pouch is full, if I eat more (I guess this is where I need to pay attention to that 'soft stop' business that I've heard about but my surgeon never discussed with me...)-- it will pile up and sit there waiting for its chance to get down into my stomach through a very small opening (the stoma where the lap band is.)

My question to those of you who have had minimal side effects, ever: do you always follow the rules? Or are you just adjusted differently than me?

Pace yourself for comfort and success.
In a recent visit to my surgeon's practice, I saw a PA who had just come back from a Lap band conference and he said it was preferable to wait ONE MINUTE between bites!! He also acknowledged that this is an insanely difficult feat-- and just to do my best.
Nevertheless, I often think of him as I'm eating and not following this rule. (Evil laugh inserted here.)  Seriously: the 1 minute per bite is actually and excellent bit of advice and worth working towards...

Don't eat the bread at a restaurant unless you intend it to be your meal. (Oh, and then you'll be hungry later.)
Believe it or not, this is a rather recent realization for me! I LOVE the bread basket, and while I cannot and would not eat a lot of bread, I usually give in a have a bit of bread with butter or olive oil, if it looks worth it.
Well: I've realized that this often results in trouble with my meal.  I cannot eat whatever good protein I've ordered OR I get stuck because the bread, while not making me TECHNICALLY stuck, forms some sort of sticky barrier over the stoma leading to my lower stomach... and ugh. You do the math.
Bread is either the WHOLE meal or a small bite or two.
The way I see it: I don't eat bread with my meals at home, so 'get over it!'-- I don't need it.

Starting the day with protein REALLY helps with satiety for the WHOLE DAY!
If I have myself a good protein rich breakfast (think eggs, cheese, yogurt, tuna)-- I find myself able to do better through the day.
Conversely, if I have a shitty breakfast or nothing, I find it harder to do well later in the day.

Let's say a word about the meaning of 'breakfast'-- unlike before the band, I don't need or even really like to eat until MID-morning.  So when I say breakfast, I am not talking 7am, that is not a great time to eat for me.  I stick to liquids until mid- morning- and by then, I can usually eat good solid protein just fine.

Be mindful of eating a variety of healthy and nutritious foods-- you cannot eat a whole lot in terms of volume!
This is a big one for me, and I have hardly perfected it-- I'm still learning.
However, just think about the amount of food you can eat and what is easy vs. hard and how much effort goes into it etc. and planning or thinking stuff through really becomes pretty essential.
I am preaching to myself, mainly-- as this is something that I need to work on!
The simple formula is:
Protein first, veggies, fruits, then grains, and if there is any room left: some carbs-- the more complex the better.
Added bonus points:
Whole foods are best (the thing is the ingredient-- like 'banana,' 'chicken,' 'fish,' or 'strawberry'-- or even 'olive oil') vs. processed foods (such as, "Pirate's booty/ cheese puffs," "cream of wheat," or even "protein bars."
Though: some processed foods are better than others:
Cheerios are better than Fruit loops
Protein bars are a step better than candy bars (though if you talk to a nutritionist, they will tell you that protein bars are candy bars with added vitamins)
etc.
Just do your best and I will too!!

Every time you put food in your mouth, it is a chance to be your best-- forget about the last thing you ate and move ahead with your finest efforts right now!
Does this need an explanation?

Water, water everywhere.
Drink a lot of water. 'Nuff said.

I'm done for now, but I am sure there are 1000 more things I could say... as they come to me, I will add.
Have a great day, everyone!

Le Shopping.. photo essay

Anyone who says le shopping is pure fun is not on a serious shopping expedition! It is really hard 'werk'-- but I was in the ZONE y'all.

It was a very good shopping trip -- and right out of the gate, I found a pair of Lucky Jeans, size 31 (American Size 12) and since I rocked them, I bought 'em.

Let me take you through the mall.... I started at Lord and Taylor, where I found the jeans.

Next, I progressed to Old Na*vy and H& eM... also looked in An*n Tay*lor Lo*ft and Macy's. 

Then I left the mall and ended the day in Target.

Here is what I bought:

1 pair of Jeans-- Lord and Taylor

2 zipper cardigans (one vanilla creme, one beige/ red striped)-- Old Navy

1 chunky knit brown vest- Macy's

3 belts: two thin belts (1 brown, 1 brushed metallic); 1 semi-wide woven black belt-- Macy's

2 Long sleeve t-shirts (one white, one black)-- Target

1 pair of ankle boots-- Target

Below, I have a bit of a photo essay of my clothing day, and then some try ons and blending of new clothes with old.

Enjoy!

Rocking the Lucky jeans

More lucky jeans with my own t-shrit

My own black slacks with NEW red striped cardigan and NEW brushed metallic belt

Rear view of same outfit as above

My slacks, NEW long sleeve T-shirt, my striped sweater vest

My slacks, NEW long sleeve black T, NEW black woven belt, NEW striped cardigan

As above, except with my patent leather belt...

Just a view of the cardi- open

NEW beige zip up cardi, NEW jeans, NEW metallic belt, MY purple sweater

Same as above, unbelted

NEW Cardigan, NEW jeans

NEW Cardi, NEW jeans-- kind of a NEW me... a back view I LIKE!!

NEW chunky vest, NEW belt, NEW white T-shirt, NEW jeans

Mission Accomplished! Fall wardrobe is officially refreshed with all sorts of exciting new neutral items-- many of which can be worn with multiple slacks and even dresses that I own... 
YAY!

Le shopping

I am very excited, today is a day off of the usual place I go-- took it off... and though my little one is off too, I am letting my hubs handle things and doing a selfish day of shopping.  (Or, as I like to call it in my head 'le shopping!' as they do in France, or at least I think they do!)
(By the way, if you want to be reading this post correctly, you must say "Leh- shop- ping" in your head-- like you are speaking French yourself-- at least, that's how to get in the spirit of my silliness.)

I'm trying to be smart and economical in my choices-- I am a very practical person at heart, and so my first stop is at the tailor.  I am going to see what can be done about altering my current suit jackets which just fit wrongly.  Let me remind you of my insane measurements:
Chest: 34
Waist: 27
Hips: 40

Holy crap! I am somewhere between an inverted triangle and a freakish hourglass- and it doesn't make my job easy in terms of finding suit jackets (or slacks, for that matter.)

By the way: I am talking about weekday place I go clothes... I am focusing on that for today and I am fairly determined to enhance what I presently have in my closet and pump it up for fall.  For now, the place I go does not necessitate a suit, it is more b-usi-ness casual 'medium,' if you will.  That said, you may know that I might change the place I go-- and I have some potential change meetings on the horizon, which makes it all the more confusing.

But I think what I'm going to do with my time and energy today is to focus on the 'fall pump up' of the wardrobe-- and whenever I do change the place I'm going, I'll do a new shopping for new suits. Oui? Oui.

Back to my plan for le shopping for today:
I have several pairs of slacks that I can use as outfit foundations, so I think if I focus on belts, tops, and possibly a pair or two of new shoes-- I will be feeling refreshed and ready for fall.

My work slacks inventory includes:
black, beige, grey pinstripe, black pinstripe

I do not have a simple white blouse, so I definitely am looking for one today.
I also want to invest in some belts, which help tie shoes, slacks and blouse/ vest together for a polished look.

Bottom line: the plan is to do what the fashion mags always suggest, but is SO hard for me: build on what is already in my closet.
Wish me luck!