My birthday is just around the corner-- October 5th is the big four-oh (40) and I am totally cool with my age. I've been saying 'I'm 40' for a while now to get used to the sound, and I don't have an issue with the number-- I am really happy with where my life is, generally speaking.
The significance isn't about turning 40 but the date of October 5th, because every year I take stock of how much I weigh at that time. On this upcoming birthday, I will weigh less than I can remember for a number of years. I recall that I weighed 185 on my birthday in 2004, shortly after my son's birth-- and I never got much lower than that in the subsequent years. I guess it is fair to say that I will be at my lowest 'birthday weight' in at least 6 years, right? Even if I weigh what I weighed today: 174.1.
I'm a little bummed about 174.1 because it is not my lowest weight to date, and I have all sorts of markers for comparing my weight. These markers actually help me be rational and take a look at my progress over time. This is another great argument for weighing in virtually daily (I miss a few days here and there.)
Here my weights on the last day of each month for the period of time I've journaled them re: banding:
On 12/31/09-- 196.3
On 1/3/1/10-- 190.2
On 2/28/10-- 186.8
On 3/31/10-- 183.1
On 4/30/10-- 182.0
On 5/31/10-- 179.9
On 6/30/10-- 177.9
On 7/31/10-- 174.6
On 8/31/10-- 174.1
What do we think?
By the appearance of those stark numbers-- I could get a bit depressed about August. But never fear, my handy journal just saved the day and I realized that my weight is trending down in comparison to July.
Fairly Random Examples:
July 2nd= 177.3 and August 2nd= 174.2
July 11th= 180.8 and August 11th= 175.8 (Incidentally: this was the day of my last fill)
July 21st= 177.6 and August 21st= 174.6
July 28th= 175.8 and August 28th = 173.0
Now that's better, and a better argument for a weight loss journal, I NEVER saw.
I'll close the loop for those of you who think I'm just in denial. If I'm at 174.1 at the end of NEXT month, and I claim that I'm losing weight, but slowly, please feel free to wake me up out of my stupor.
Here is how I see this glitchy end of the month weigh in:
I had a really nice, low weigh in on July 31st: 174.6 (after a month of hanging more in the average of about 176.whatever zone.) It was great to see that nice low on July 31st, but it really doesn't characterize the month very well. A July 31st weigh in of 176.something probably would have reflected how I spent July on average at the scales.
On August 11th, I got a slight fill, which has put my a bit off my game-- I've been rather tight, which has resulted in some slider-eating behavior on my part. Not the best weight loss scenario. I've resisted going back for an unfill b/c I have an upcoming September appointment with the surgeon-- and I simply don't have the time. I figured I would ride it out until the next appointment... and if needed: go back for an unfill or for advice from the surgeon.
I doubt that August has been my most banner weight loss month at all-- looking at my journal, it appears that I've spent much of the month hovering around 174.whatever.
If I were to compare July 31st and August 31st in isolation-- I would be depressed, but looking at it all in context, I see the downward trend.
Am I making any sense or just going in circles?
Bottom line: now that I can see myself somewhat 'stuck' at the 174.whatever zone, I know that the goal is to move beyond it.
Once again: I am marshaling my confidence and calm via the fact that I have a weight loss doctor in my corner (yay!!) Here is another great outcome of the surgery for me. No matter what kind of denial I want to be in-- I have medical accountability with my surgical practice and that is golden.
I have my next appointment lined up in September, and if I go in and have lost NOTHING, they won't deride me or blame me, they will HELP me. I'd say 'you can't buy that kind of confidence'-- but actually you can, and I did. I bought it through the efforts of going through the surgery and following through and continuing to do so. Again: I am so grateful to have this band.
Even if I AM temporarily stalled: it won't last forever, help will be on the way soon. I am very optimistic.
Have a great day y'all.
good ole ticker...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sandy Lee-- here are some pictures!
In some ways, I feel like this past few weeks have been a bit of a washout. But today, I took some additional control (again) and went for a very vigorous lunchtime walk around my office complex. I even brought the whole workout outfit regalia to wear: shirt, bra, sneakers, socks.
Damn it was hot, but it was also pleasant and a workout! I walked fast and ran some of it-- used the hillyness of the area to get a great exercise run in. Fell so good that I did it!! I was so sweaty when I got back, I kind of washed myself off in the bathroom and had to wait until I stopped sweating to put back on my suit. Here I am on the walk:
Damn it was hot, but it was also pleasant and a workout! I walked fast and ran some of it-- used the hillyness of the area to get a great exercise run in. Fell so good that I did it!! I was so sweaty when I got back, I kind of washed myself off in the bathroom and had to wait until I stopped sweating to put back on my suit. Here I am on the walk:
And... here I am, in my office, back in my suit, alittle rosy:
As for this eating day, I still think it would be very wise for me to be documenting my intake, and so I'll journal it here.
6:30 am Coffee with milk
7:45am 1/2 scrambled egg with melted cheddar cheese
1:45 Soup at hand (chicken and stars)
7:00 5 wheat thins
7:30 1 glass red wine; 1/4 cup spaghetti w/ meat sauce ?1/2 cup on top/ parmesan cheese
8:30 1 skinny cow ice cream sandwich
9pm 2 cookies
*I know my cookies+ice cream sandwich was excessive. All told, those desserts added on nearly 300 calories. Argh. One dessert is plenty.
I will try to avoid overdoing it tomorrow, but I much as I want to lie and pretend I didn't eat the cookies, I don't really want to lie here.
Another truth is that we need to go food shopping, so I am missing some food staples and that is leaving me without some choices....especially in 'tight' mode. I need some cheese-- which works nicely as a food for when I am tight and it fills me up. Anywho: more tomorrow.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I. just. can't.
I was just over reading a blog that made me feel irritated about how people who haven't had surgery feel about those who have had it.
And then I came to my blog to air my grievances.
But I just can't do it.
Unlike those bashers and haters who criticize any of us who are banded and have a bad day (or week or even a month or so) for being human-- I don't really want to get involved in cruelty.
I will say that it is a bit discouraging to see bloggers being mean to each other. But I guess that's life.
I won't get into the fray.
Quite frankly, I'm not irritable or angry-- nor do I need to defend the choice I've made to have surgery to anyone. So I guess I'm not feeling like I need to convince anyone to do what I've done either.
This post is unfocused, I know it.
On another note: I was over reading Sandy Lee's post about posting more pictures- and I agree. Seeing pictures is so much fun. I have been guilty of not posting too many pictures lately, must get back to it...
I look in the mirror and really like what I see, and that is awesome.
Which brings me to one final point: It really isn't only about what I look like. If it were so, I might actually be willing to stop where I am. I look pretty dang good (I think.)
But the thing is that looks are subjective and they can be deceiving. Much as I despise the BMI scale, it is an indicator of something for me, and I feel that it is at least worth my while to use the surgery I've had to get me into the normal range.
I can 'fool' myself about what I look like, but the scale doesn't lie (over time.) I'm not talking about 1 weigh in-- and I am talking more about a weight range than a target number. I can tell you that being in the 173-176 range these days (leaning more towards the lower now,) I'm easily fooled just as I stated above.
The point is that I will keep trucking and looking towards more objective indicators. Sizes getting smaller, numbers going down on the scale, inches shrinking. That's the only way I can stay out of denial.
And then I came to my blog to air my grievances.
But I just can't do it.
Unlike those bashers and haters who criticize any of us who are banded and have a bad day (or week or even a month or so) for being human-- I don't really want to get involved in cruelty.
I will say that it is a bit discouraging to see bloggers being mean to each other. But I guess that's life.
I won't get into the fray.
Quite frankly, I'm not irritable or angry-- nor do I need to defend the choice I've made to have surgery to anyone. So I guess I'm not feeling like I need to convince anyone to do what I've done either.
This post is unfocused, I know it.
On another note: I was over reading Sandy Lee's post about posting more pictures- and I agree. Seeing pictures is so much fun. I have been guilty of not posting too many pictures lately, must get back to it...
I look in the mirror and really like what I see, and that is awesome.
Which brings me to one final point: It really isn't only about what I look like. If it were so, I might actually be willing to stop where I am. I look pretty dang good (I think.)
But the thing is that looks are subjective and they can be deceiving. Much as I despise the BMI scale, it is an indicator of something for me, and I feel that it is at least worth my while to use the surgery I've had to get me into the normal range.
I can 'fool' myself about what I look like, but the scale doesn't lie (over time.) I'm not talking about 1 weigh in-- and I am talking more about a weight range than a target number. I can tell you that being in the 173-176 range these days (leaning more towards the lower now,) I'm easily fooled just as I stated above.
The point is that I will keep trucking and looking towards more objective indicators. Sizes getting smaller, numbers going down on the scale, inches shrinking. That's the only way I can stay out of denial.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I guess this shiz works
This morning: 173.0.
Hence, the title.
All in all, this week has been a vast improvement on lately in general. I started doing the PT exercises I can recall from past neck issues (i.e. I took control over the pain and started dealing with it) and my neck is feeling vastly better.
My place I go to during the week: I am adjusting. I am unsure of the outcome, but it doesn't hurt when the person who is in charge of me is obviously pleased with the products I've come up with. I don't live and die for this type of approval and I am still not sure what I'll do-- but life is a series of grays, there are no black and white situations.
My weight and my band are getting into further 'check' again. I felt a bit off center last weekend and earlier in the week (as you could tell from my posts)-- but I am back on the right track. Just the tiniest adjustment without large amounts of effort seems to have done me right.
It reminds me of years ago when I had a very successful weight loss run (I was around 27 years old.) I recall realizing that what it took was 'gentle concentration' on my eating habits to succeed. I was right, but without the band, I feel that I wound up helpless and unable to 'gently concentrate' on anything. I had to be all or nothing b/c whenever I got on the scale and realized how much weight I'd gained and how far I'd have to go to get myself back on track-- there was no middle ground.
I think that much of this post speaks to my personality. I am very intense, I am very *all or nothing* in my thinking. This type of pattern of evaluation of the world can be good, but it is often detrimental to me. I've struggled with depressions in my lifetime because of such extremes of thought and such high demands for myself. I'm so glad that I've grown enough (thank you, therapy and thank you my dear, dear hubs and my lovely son for teaching me to calm down about stuff) to be able to see the grays in the world instead of only black and white.
This is a GREAT weekend. I hope you're going to have an excellent weekend as well.
On a final note: I am really sad not to be joining you all in Chicago.
Honestly: I really just do not like to be away from my family during weekends at any times that are not completely essential -- I spend so much time at work that I would feel guilty being away at the weekend.
That is not to say that my hubs or my son would give me a hard time-- I just feel a strong need to stay present in my home life whenever I have the chance to do so.
I will look forward to seeing all of the pictures and hearing the great stories and blogs from the event.
Hence, the title.
All in all, this week has been a vast improvement on lately in general. I started doing the PT exercises I can recall from past neck issues (i.e. I took control over the pain and started dealing with it) and my neck is feeling vastly better.
My place I go to during the week: I am adjusting. I am unsure of the outcome, but it doesn't hurt when the person who is in charge of me is obviously pleased with the products I've come up with. I don't live and die for this type of approval and I am still not sure what I'll do-- but life is a series of grays, there are no black and white situations.
My weight and my band are getting into further 'check' again. I felt a bit off center last weekend and earlier in the week (as you could tell from my posts)-- but I am back on the right track. Just the tiniest adjustment without large amounts of effort seems to have done me right.
It reminds me of years ago when I had a very successful weight loss run (I was around 27 years old.) I recall realizing that what it took was 'gentle concentration' on my eating habits to succeed. I was right, but without the band, I feel that I wound up helpless and unable to 'gently concentrate' on anything. I had to be all or nothing b/c whenever I got on the scale and realized how much weight I'd gained and how far I'd have to go to get myself back on track-- there was no middle ground.
I think that much of this post speaks to my personality. I am very intense, I am very *all or nothing* in my thinking. This type of pattern of evaluation of the world can be good, but it is often detrimental to me. I've struggled with depressions in my lifetime because of such extremes of thought and such high demands for myself. I'm so glad that I've grown enough (thank you, therapy and thank you my dear, dear hubs and my lovely son for teaching me to calm down about stuff) to be able to see the grays in the world instead of only black and white.
This is a GREAT weekend. I hope you're going to have an excellent weekend as well.
On a final note: I am really sad not to be joining you all in Chicago.
Honestly: I really just do not like to be away from my family during weekends at any times that are not completely essential -- I spend so much time at work that I would feel guilty being away at the weekend.
That is not to say that my hubs or my son would give me a hard time-- I just feel a strong need to stay present in my home life whenever I have the chance to do so.
I will look forward to seeing all of the pictures and hearing the great stories and blogs from the event.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Breaking some of the rules all of the time, and all of the rules some of the time
This morning's weight: 174.3.
I'm so glad for a few reasons.
1) I took control when I noted the scale going in the wrong direction. I know I am not down to my latest 'all time low' of 173, but I feel more confident again and am certain I'll continue to progress.
2) I hopped on the scale last night when I got home and I did see a new number: 172.9. Granted: I was probably dehydrated from a long day of driving without enough fluids, but yesterday was a salty day again (I had a 'soup at hand' for lunch and a dirty martini with dinner) which equals temporary water retention. As we all know: water retention drives the scale numbers higher. I think I am really going to see new numbers soon!
3) I am proving my theory for myself that hopping on that dang scale every day has value. If I were to have avoided the scale this week after having a bad few days, I think I would be in worse shape, not better, right now.
The bottom line is that I have the scale moving in the right direction and I am feeling so much better. I CAN DO THIS!
And...You can too-- yes: YOU. I am talking to YOU who are reading this blog.
Trust me: if I can do this weight loss with the band thing, I know you can too.
Remember: I am probably one of the 'worser' (ha ha, bad grammar is funny and good sometimes) bandsters out there. I am not exercising enough (and I won't even make myself a criminal about it.) I am not counting my calories, nor am I having less than 1200 calories on most days. I eat dessert often (most of the time) ~but I do keep portions very small as a rule~ and I drink alcohol. (Dr. Ren considers alcohol a 'liquid' in moderation.)
I actually often favor HIGH fat foods (although Dr. Ren did encourage me to eat full fat versions of proteins so I would get satisfied quicker-- and this technique really works.)
I sometimes drink with meals.
*It seems obvious that my surgeon is less 'rules-y' and more understanding of real life than a lot of others-- for that I am very grateful.*
I break some of the rules all of the time, and I have probably broken all of the rules at least some of the time.
What I am trying to say is that no matter what happens, it is the sum total of your work with the band that gets you to habit change and weight loss. I can't speak to maintenance and won't be at my goal for quite some time, but at this point, many months out (surgery January 4th, 2010)-- I know the band is a great tool and that my confidence is ever expanding.
I don't want to get carried away. I am still on the journey, I am still learning as each week goes by. Clearly, my confidence waxes and wanes. A new key for me is that I have a great experience of being able to get back into control or 'back on track' pretty darn quick after I've faltered. My new capability to 'brush myself off and get back on the horse' is refreshing and exciting. I used to falter and give up on 'diets.' But we all know: giving up with the band just ain't an option. I am SO glad.
I've noticed that it hasn't been an easy week for a number of us in our blogging community-- so I really hope that my post is uplifting and helpful to you-- and if you don't need my encouragement that you will pass it on to someone who does.
I am not saying that people should do unsafe things with the band or abuse their bodies in any way, rather, I am saying the we all should get off of our own backs a little more and give ourselves the credit we deserve for doing this weight loss thing-- over and over until we get it right.
OF COURSE, I recommend following your surgeon's advice and NOT breaking the rules (see below.) But if you do break some of the rules, you're not a criminal or a failure.
Just get back on track, and you will see consistent results OVER TIME. Never give up.
Here are some of the rules I'm referring to:
Eating Behaviors for Success
I'm so glad for a few reasons.
1) I took control when I noted the scale going in the wrong direction. I know I am not down to my latest 'all time low' of 173, but I feel more confident again and am certain I'll continue to progress.
2) I hopped on the scale last night when I got home and I did see a new number: 172.9. Granted: I was probably dehydrated from a long day of driving without enough fluids, but yesterday was a salty day again (I had a 'soup at hand' for lunch and a dirty martini with dinner) which equals temporary water retention. As we all know: water retention drives the scale numbers higher. I think I am really going to see new numbers soon!
3) I am proving my theory for myself that hopping on that dang scale every day has value. If I were to have avoided the scale this week after having a bad few days, I think I would be in worse shape, not better, right now.
The bottom line is that I have the scale moving in the right direction and I am feeling so much better. I CAN DO THIS!
And...You can too-- yes: YOU. I am talking to YOU who are reading this blog.
Trust me: if I can do this weight loss with the band thing, I know you can too.
Remember: I am probably one of the 'worser' (ha ha, bad grammar is funny and good sometimes) bandsters out there. I am not exercising enough (and I won't even make myself a criminal about it.) I am not counting my calories, nor am I having less than 1200 calories on most days. I eat dessert often (most of the time) ~but I do keep portions very small as a rule~ and I drink alcohol. (Dr. Ren considers alcohol a 'liquid' in moderation.)
I actually often favor HIGH fat foods (although Dr. Ren did encourage me to eat full fat versions of proteins so I would get satisfied quicker-- and this technique really works.)
I sometimes drink with meals.
*It seems obvious that my surgeon is less 'rules-y' and more understanding of real life than a lot of others-- for that I am very grateful.*
I break some of the rules all of the time, and I have probably broken all of the rules at least some of the time.
What I am trying to say is that no matter what happens, it is the sum total of your work with the band that gets you to habit change and weight loss. I can't speak to maintenance and won't be at my goal for quite some time, but at this point, many months out (surgery January 4th, 2010)-- I know the band is a great tool and that my confidence is ever expanding.
I don't want to get carried away. I am still on the journey, I am still learning as each week goes by. Clearly, my confidence waxes and wanes. A new key for me is that I have a great experience of being able to get back into control or 'back on track' pretty darn quick after I've faltered. My new capability to 'brush myself off and get back on the horse' is refreshing and exciting. I used to falter and give up on 'diets.' But we all know: giving up with the band just ain't an option. I am SO glad.
I've noticed that it hasn't been an easy week for a number of us in our blogging community-- so I really hope that my post is uplifting and helpful to you-- and if you don't need my encouragement that you will pass it on to someone who does.
I am not saying that people should do unsafe things with the band or abuse their bodies in any way, rather, I am saying the we all should get off of our own backs a little more and give ourselves the credit we deserve for doing this weight loss thing-- over and over until we get it right.
OF COURSE, I recommend following your surgeon's advice and NOT breaking the rules (see below.) But if you do break some of the rules, you're not a criminal or a failure.
Just get back on track, and you will see consistent results OVER TIME. Never give up.
Here are some of the rules I'm referring to:
Eating Behaviors for Success
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Results
I hate scale hopping, don't you? Especially when I get on the scale this morning and am happy to see 174.1 (after a good day yesterday, not perfect, but good) and then I get back on b/c I am so happy, only to see 175.5.
Bugger.
Well: you know what-- journalling everything I ate right here for y'all to see really helped me. I didn't want to journal that little mini resee's cup, but I did-- and journalling stopped me from eating any more of the office candy (a few pieces of which I've put into my desk drawer.) Do you think I should throw those candy pieces out? Probably.
Meanwhile, I'll be out on the road much of today, having to take a 2 hour trip to Long Island (NY) to a places that I oversee the overseers, if you will. Many meetings planned, but all in all, not a bad day. I don't mind traveling for work this way. The only sad part is that I am leaving at 6am to beat the traffic (and make the day start and end early to beat the traffic again) and I don't get to see my boys awake in the am. Well: I am committed to leaving in enough time to home for an earlier supper tonight-- so that is a plus side.
Another plus: my neck pain has subsided just a touch-- I am still aware of the spasms that are waiting to erupt if I don't respect the need to get up and move about (that is part of the reason I took a 30 minute walk around my office complex WHICH DOESN'T HAVE SIDEWALKS-- NO WONDER AMERICANS ARE FAT!) yesterday.
I plan to do this midday walking more-- it was healthy and rejuvenating, and quite frankly, the first exercise I've done in a few weeks. Bad, I know, but with the stresses I've had, it has been hard for me to motivate. I realize that's no excuse, but it is the truth. I know I'll get back on the exercise wagon sooner or later. I have a treadmill in my house and I enjoy exercise-- just for the sake of moving my body! So.... anyway...
I've got to get a move on a minute, but I will be journalling my food again today, since it was super effective to know that people are 'watching' and I have 'accountability.' I'm not here to punish myself or be myself with the journal, just give myself the continued boost of staying present about WHAT and how much I'm putting in my pie hole!
Enjoy the day.
PS: Gilly, thx for the tip and the question about whether I might need a slight unfill.
You are definitely on the right track, girl. I am wondering the same-- but I am trying to stick it out (primarily for my own convenience, the office is now not as convenient to get to for the unfill....) AND because I can swallow everything if I just take my time.
Hence: the band tightness kind of does put me in a sub-optimal zone at this moment, I just have to admit that. BUT, I also know that sooner or later it will either ease up OR I will be at my next appointment. Since I am not suffering terribly, I am just going with it for now.
Trust me: if things were getting worse, not better-- I'd be in the doc's office very quickly.
Cheers.
Bugger.
Well: you know what-- journalling everything I ate right here for y'all to see really helped me. I didn't want to journal that little mini resee's cup, but I did-- and journalling stopped me from eating any more of the office candy (a few pieces of which I've put into my desk drawer.) Do you think I should throw those candy pieces out? Probably.
Meanwhile, I'll be out on the road much of today, having to take a 2 hour trip to Long Island (NY) to a places that I oversee the overseers, if you will. Many meetings planned, but all in all, not a bad day. I don't mind traveling for work this way. The only sad part is that I am leaving at 6am to beat the traffic (and make the day start and end early to beat the traffic again) and I don't get to see my boys awake in the am. Well: I am committed to leaving in enough time to home for an earlier supper tonight-- so that is a plus side.
Another plus: my neck pain has subsided just a touch-- I am still aware of the spasms that are waiting to erupt if I don't respect the need to get up and move about (that is part of the reason I took a 30 minute walk around my office complex WHICH DOESN'T HAVE SIDEWALKS-- NO WONDER AMERICANS ARE FAT!) yesterday.
I plan to do this midday walking more-- it was healthy and rejuvenating, and quite frankly, the first exercise I've done in a few weeks. Bad, I know, but with the stresses I've had, it has been hard for me to motivate. I realize that's no excuse, but it is the truth. I know I'll get back on the exercise wagon sooner or later. I have a treadmill in my house and I enjoy exercise-- just for the sake of moving my body! So.... anyway...
I've got to get a move on a minute, but I will be journalling my food again today, since it was super effective to know that people are 'watching' and I have 'accountability.' I'm not here to punish myself or be myself with the journal, just give myself the continued boost of staying present about WHAT and how much I'm putting in my pie hole!
Enjoy the day.
PS: Gilly, thx for the tip and the question about whether I might need a slight unfill.
You are definitely on the right track, girl. I am wondering the same-- but I am trying to stick it out (primarily for my own convenience, the office is now not as convenient to get to for the unfill....) AND because I can swallow everything if I just take my time.
Hence: the band tightness kind of does put me in a sub-optimal zone at this moment, I just have to admit that. BUT, I also know that sooner or later it will either ease up OR I will be at my next appointment. Since I am not suffering terribly, I am just going with it for now.
Trust me: if things were getting worse, not better-- I'd be in the doc's office very quickly.
Cheers.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Turnaround time
The original title of this post was quite negative-- but I changed it halfway through-- b/c just writing the post made me feel better.
This morning: 176.2.
Argh.
I actually did better yesterday and the day before, but because I had trouble with our regular dinner (whole wheat crust pizza with coleslaw-- sort of weird combo) I wound up eating raisins and honey roasted peanuts, and a handful of pretzels with guacamole and that constituted dinner. Obviously, not a traditional dinner-- and looking back: sort of explains what could be water retention at the scales.
Nevertheless: it just hasn't been a good week with the band for me. I am tempted NOT to post, but I am here posting because of this very fact. I know that lots of avoid posting when the going gets rough-- but I am resisting that urge, which will just lead further down a road of denial.
It has been a little bit of rough waters personally lately. I am glad to say that this has nothing to do with my husband and son who are awesome. Nope-- but between the ongoing neck pain (which really does mess me up emotionally-- I fear pain and fear that it will never go away, which is absurd) and the ongoing dissatisfaction with the place I go each day... voila: I am in a bit of a blue funk.
Now add in a tight band and the picture is 'unpretty.' One thing that I feel assured about is that I have another appointment set (actually I set up 1 per month through the end of 2010) with the surgeon's office satellite that is near to where I go every day during the week.
Let's just say (not that I am giving up / giving in so fast) that this whole month turns out to be a wash-- and I lose nothing or gain a pound... ack. But I am in good hands and I know that I will be back at the doctor's office and they will help me.
I hate how that sounds. I really do not intend to give up at all, nor do I intend to wait until they can help me. I am going to try to help myself. First of all: I called my orthopaedist and now have a physical therapy appointment lined up for next Tuesday. Of course, I would have gone in sooner had I been able to see the therapist sooner-- but the one that is recommended for me (he does alot of 'hands on' therapy, which is what you need for neck issues) is away on vacation this week, wouldn't you know.
So that is 'help for me' #1. The second thing I'm going to do is get on the scale every day, come rain or shine because that will keep me from denial if I continue going down a bad road-- if things go really roughly, I will go into NYC to see the surgeon sooner.
But something tells me that I will turn this around sooner than I need to go seeking the doctor's help in NYC. I think I know what has been happening: tight band leading to sub-optimal choices combined with bad mood from neck pain and some other items over which I have some control, but more of a control that is put it out there now, and it pays later. (Sorry to be vague.)
The third thing, eating wise, that I'll do, is some positive goals:
1) Drink water / flavored water drinks throughout the day-- keep the pouch busy
2) Get protein in
3) No candy jar at w0rk (next door neighbor has a big bag of chocolate candy and I've admittedly gone for it several times. Not a good idea.)
And the big one for today: write everything down that I eat for TODAY. I will post it here.
I do not mean this as a punishment, but as an exercise for myself in figuring out what is happening.
I know I'm going for salty foods--but what else is happening??
Today's food:
5:45 am: Coffee with milk; 3 chunks water melon, 3 pcs center cut bacon/ crisped
1 large glass of crystal light lemonade*
8am--11am: @32 oz. crystal light; coffee with milk
11:50 am: homemade egg salad
1:35--2:05 WALK (leisure pace)
2:45 pm: 1/2 zone protein bar
4--4:45pm: 1 mini resee's pb cup / crystal light (@20 oz)
7:30pm: 1 glass red wine
chopped turkey sausage in red sauce with pearled cous cous
a couple of canned green beans
9:00pm: 2 fig newtons
* You may be wondering why I'm eating so early: I took an Alleve for the neck pain, and I cannot have that on an empty stomach.*
That's about it. I'm not asking for any pity or sympathy-- I will be OK, I am one tough chicka. This too shall pass and I will participate as much as I can...
This morning: 176.2.
Argh.
I actually did better yesterday and the day before, but because I had trouble with our regular dinner (whole wheat crust pizza with coleslaw-- sort of weird combo) I wound up eating raisins and honey roasted peanuts, and a handful of pretzels with guacamole and that constituted dinner. Obviously, not a traditional dinner-- and looking back: sort of explains what could be water retention at the scales.
Nevertheless: it just hasn't been a good week with the band for me. I am tempted NOT to post, but I am here posting because of this very fact. I know that lots of avoid posting when the going gets rough-- but I am resisting that urge, which will just lead further down a road of denial.
It has been a little bit of rough waters personally lately. I am glad to say that this has nothing to do with my husband and son who are awesome. Nope-- but between the ongoing neck pain (which really does mess me up emotionally-- I fear pain and fear that it will never go away, which is absurd) and the ongoing dissatisfaction with the place I go each day... voila: I am in a bit of a blue funk.
Now add in a tight band and the picture is 'unpretty.' One thing that I feel assured about is that I have another appointment set (actually I set up 1 per month through the end of 2010) with the surgeon's office satellite that is near to where I go every day during the week.
Let's just say (not that I am giving up / giving in so fast) that this whole month turns out to be a wash-- and I lose nothing or gain a pound... ack. But I am in good hands and I know that I will be back at the doctor's office and they will help me.
I hate how that sounds. I really do not intend to give up at all, nor do I intend to wait until they can help me. I am going to try to help myself. First of all: I called my orthopaedist and now have a physical therapy appointment lined up for next Tuesday. Of course, I would have gone in sooner had I been able to see the therapist sooner-- but the one that is recommended for me (he does alot of 'hands on' therapy, which is what you need for neck issues) is away on vacation this week, wouldn't you know.
So that is 'help for me' #1. The second thing I'm going to do is get on the scale every day, come rain or shine because that will keep me from denial if I continue going down a bad road-- if things go really roughly, I will go into NYC to see the surgeon sooner.
But something tells me that I will turn this around sooner than I need to go seeking the doctor's help in NYC. I think I know what has been happening: tight band leading to sub-optimal choices combined with bad mood from neck pain and some other items over which I have some control, but more of a control that is put it out there now, and it pays later. (Sorry to be vague.)
The third thing, eating wise, that I'll do, is some positive goals:
1) Drink water / flavored water drinks throughout the day-- keep the pouch busy
2) Get protein in
3) No candy jar at w0rk (next door neighbor has a big bag of chocolate candy and I've admittedly gone for it several times. Not a good idea.)
And the big one for today: write everything down that I eat for TODAY. I will post it here.
I do not mean this as a punishment, but as an exercise for myself in figuring out what is happening.
I know I'm going for salty foods--but what else is happening??
Today's food:
5:45 am: Coffee with milk; 3 chunks water melon, 3 pcs center cut bacon/ crisped
1 large glass of crystal light lemonade*
8am--11am: @32 oz. crystal light; coffee with milk
11:50 am: homemade egg salad
1:35--2:05 WALK (leisure pace)
2:45 pm: 1/2 zone protein bar
4--4:45pm: 1 mini resee's pb cup / crystal light (@20 oz)
7:30pm: 1 glass red wine
chopped turkey sausage in red sauce with pearled cous cous
a couple of canned green beans
9:00pm: 2 fig newtons
* You may be wondering why I'm eating so early: I took an Alleve for the neck pain, and I cannot have that on an empty stomach.*
That's about it. I'm not asking for any pity or sympathy-- I will be OK, I am one tough chicka. This too shall pass and I will participate as much as I can...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thanks for all the encouragement y'all
Thanks for the great encouragement on my 'bad girl' post.
I did better yesterday, and I feel like I'm doing better today... it is just around noon as I write this, and so far, I've eaten 2 eggs with shredded cheese and 2 tbs of guacamole/ salsa. I also ate a Jello mousse cup and had a latte in the am.
Feeling full at this point and may have a cup of relaxation tea in a bit because of my neck pain. (Ack.)
I am starting PT (physical therapy) next Tuesday so I am trying to calm down about the irritation. For some reason, today my neck is HORRIBLE. Bah.
I am waiting for next Tuesday b/c the really great therapist who was recommended by my doc is away until then. I can hope for better days in the interim... Bah again.
Today my weight was 175.1, so that is a movement back in the right direction-- that even with a late dinner last night.... so I am feeling better.
Sorry, I think this post kinda sucks!!
Oh one more interesting note: we have a family friend who has an obesity problem and I've been acting a bit as an advising mentor and trying to get him in to see Dr. Ren. He is pretty set on surgery-- but may go the gastric bypass route b/c he is very heavy. We shall see-- but I am hoping for the band for him...just less invasive in my book. Obviously: the best choice will be made for his case.
Can't wait to see this guy lose the weight! More info on him another time..
I did better yesterday, and I feel like I'm doing better today... it is just around noon as I write this, and so far, I've eaten 2 eggs with shredded cheese and 2 tbs of guacamole/ salsa. I also ate a Jello mousse cup and had a latte in the am.
Feeling full at this point and may have a cup of relaxation tea in a bit because of my neck pain. (Ack.)
I am starting PT (physical therapy) next Tuesday so I am trying to calm down about the irritation. For some reason, today my neck is HORRIBLE. Bah.
I am waiting for next Tuesday b/c the really great therapist who was recommended by my doc is away until then. I can hope for better days in the interim... Bah again.
Today my weight was 175.1, so that is a movement back in the right direction-- that even with a late dinner last night.... so I am feeling better.
Sorry, I think this post kinda sucks!!
Oh one more interesting note: we have a family friend who has an obesity problem and I've been acting a bit as an advising mentor and trying to get him in to see Dr. Ren. He is pretty set on surgery-- but may go the gastric bypass route b/c he is very heavy. We shall see-- but I am hoping for the band for him...just less invasive in my book. Obviously: the best choice will be made for his case.
Can't wait to see this guy lose the weight! More info on him another time..
Monday, August 23, 2010
I've been a bad, bad girl
It's time to pull the reigns on this horsey, y'all. My band has been really tight which does lead to a bad cycle of trying to eat the right things, having trouble, getting discouraged and then eating sliders. Not to mention the neck pain (which is ebbing and flowing-- Saturday better, Sunday worse, argh.) If I'm feeling sorry for myself but not terribly depressed, guess what I've found I do: I EAT.
Emotional eating, 101. But good to realize, heh?
Whenever I'm encountered with a weekend, I just eat worse in general because we tend to have more temping food around as well. This weekend, I ate about 10 chocolate chip cookies-- the delicious variety from our gourmet baker. I ate salty stuff and generally was off my game entirely. Ooops.
Faced the music on the scales this morning: 175.8.
Ooops again.
It is such a tricky thing, this 'non-diet' mentality-- and it can send you for a confusing loop if you're not careful. No-- I'm not dieting, but I need to take frequent stock of my choices and take control of things if I am not in control of my eating/ choices.
I'm pulling back and while I am not starting a 'diet'-- I am going to carefully watch what I'm eating for this day and do the best I can to do the right thing and make better and sounder choices.
If I need to, I will develop a food plan, but for now, since I have w0rk today, I am just planning 'lightly' to do the following:
Latte for early morning (now)
Protein bar for 'bfast'
2 egg and 1 egg white egg salad for lunch w/ some pretzels/ watermelon and cantaloup (spelling???)
Coffee or tea w/ lots of milk for snack/ maybe some nuts and raisins
Dinner-- protein/ veggies
1 cookie and tea for dessert (optional)
This kind of planning makes me feel better.
This kind of honesty also makes me feel better-- I am not only telling me the truth, I am telling you-- my readers-- the truth. This is the way it is FOR ME. Judge if you will, that is totally OK-- the band is not a straightforward process of suddenly getting it all right.
Quite the contrary, it is a learning path-- like anything else. But I'll tell you the relief of the band is that I'm not killing myself OR going into a denial state about the scale and my behavior this weekend. Instead: I am simply and gently pushing myself back into the right direction.
Have I mentioned how much I love the band?
Emotional eating, 101. But good to realize, heh?
Whenever I'm encountered with a weekend, I just eat worse in general because we tend to have more temping food around as well. This weekend, I ate about 10 chocolate chip cookies-- the delicious variety from our gourmet baker. I ate salty stuff and generally was off my game entirely. Ooops.
Faced the music on the scales this morning: 175.8.
Ooops again.
It is such a tricky thing, this 'non-diet' mentality-- and it can send you for a confusing loop if you're not careful. No-- I'm not dieting, but I need to take frequent stock of my choices and take control of things if I am not in control of my eating/ choices.
I'm pulling back and while I am not starting a 'diet'-- I am going to carefully watch what I'm eating for this day and do the best I can to do the right thing and make better and sounder choices.
If I need to, I will develop a food plan, but for now, since I have w0rk today, I am just planning 'lightly' to do the following:
Latte for early morning (now)
Protein bar for 'bfast'
2 egg and 1 egg white egg salad for lunch w/ some pretzels/ watermelon and cantaloup (spelling???)
Coffee or tea w/ lots of milk for snack/ maybe some nuts and raisins
Dinner-- protein/ veggies
1 cookie and tea for dessert (optional)
This kind of planning makes me feel better.
This kind of honesty also makes me feel better-- I am not only telling me the truth, I am telling you-- my readers-- the truth. This is the way it is FOR ME. Judge if you will, that is totally OK-- the band is not a straightforward process of suddenly getting it all right.
Quite the contrary, it is a learning path-- like anything else. But I'll tell you the relief of the band is that I'm not killing myself OR going into a denial state about the scale and my behavior this weekend. Instead: I am simply and gently pushing myself back into the right direction.
Have I mentioned how much I love the band?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Yeah, still tight and not prolific either!
I don't know why, but I haven't had time or the desire to say much in the past few days.
It could be that my neck is still in pretty bad shape-- and I always get really freaked out and catastrophic when ANYTHING goes wrong with my physical body.
I know logically that I won't wind up disabled and in bed for the rest of my life, but when you neck hurts like a bitch, sometimes it is hard to be logical.
That is not to say that I haven't done anything about it, and that it may not be improving, I saw my Orthopaedist who is a DO and he did some physical therapy stuff for my neck and gave me some muscle relaxants. I seem to be a bit better, but if I am not really improved in the next week, I guess I'll have to get an RX for ongoing PT and that always helps when my neck flairs up.
As for the tight band-- holy shit: still tight. It is definitely a behavior modification thing-- and if I am not careful, I could wind up looking like 'red zone.' I've definitely been opting for some more sliders when I've not had a lucky eating day... ack. And I've been dumb too: last night, we went out to dinner and I ordered pasta with soft shell crabs and shrimp. WTF DL??? No way was that happening.
The irony is that earlier in the day I'd planned better and made myself some very tight band friendly egg salad with some guacamole on the side. mmmmm. That went down just fine. So did my protein bar and latte (eaten at other points in the day.) But pasta? I mean, c'mon.
So: my point is that as I sit here feeling regretful and 'bad girl' about my bad band behavior and subsequent PB'ing that stupid pasta (argh)-- if I play it safe and I play it right, I really am fine with this level of tightness.
PS: my rings are all tight from dinner out and maybe not enough water yesterday-- weight: 174.6.
Still waiting to get down below 173.whatever to a 172.whatever. Patience and tenacity is a virtue.
As for other quick updates, my j0*b has been status quo in the past few weeks with the person in charge of me away... that has actually been a really nice break and it seems like the 'weather' in the place is much brighter with that person away. It is almost a black cloud there with that person. Well: I am making plans and motions accordingly and that is what is important.
Hope you are all well.
It could be that my neck is still in pretty bad shape-- and I always get really freaked out and catastrophic when ANYTHING goes wrong with my physical body.
I know logically that I won't wind up disabled and in bed for the rest of my life, but when you neck hurts like a bitch, sometimes it is hard to be logical.
That is not to say that I haven't done anything about it, and that it may not be improving, I saw my Orthopaedist who is a DO and he did some physical therapy stuff for my neck and gave me some muscle relaxants. I seem to be a bit better, but if I am not really improved in the next week, I guess I'll have to get an RX for ongoing PT and that always helps when my neck flairs up.
As for the tight band-- holy shit: still tight. It is definitely a behavior modification thing-- and if I am not careful, I could wind up looking like 'red zone.' I've definitely been opting for some more sliders when I've not had a lucky eating day... ack. And I've been dumb too: last night, we went out to dinner and I ordered pasta with soft shell crabs and shrimp. WTF DL??? No way was that happening.
The irony is that earlier in the day I'd planned better and made myself some very tight band friendly egg salad with some guacamole on the side. mmmmm. That went down just fine. So did my protein bar and latte (eaten at other points in the day.) But pasta? I mean, c'mon.
So: my point is that as I sit here feeling regretful and 'bad girl' about my bad band behavior and subsequent PB'ing that stupid pasta (argh)-- if I play it safe and I play it right, I really am fine with this level of tightness.
PS: my rings are all tight from dinner out and maybe not enough water yesterday-- weight: 174.6.
Still waiting to get down below 173.whatever to a 172.whatever. Patience and tenacity is a virtue.
As for other quick updates, my j0*b has been status quo in the past few weeks with the person in charge of me away... that has actually been a really nice break and it seems like the 'weather' in the place is much brighter with that person away. It is almost a black cloud there with that person. Well: I am making plans and motions accordingly and that is what is important.
Hope you are all well.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Holy tight band, Batman
I think I'd straight up better admit to myself and anyone who cares: my band is TIGHT motherf#ckers.
This 'admission' comes along with a big responsibility: special care to get my nutrition in without using sliders and without causing myself unnecessary side effect.
Yeah, I think my latest adjustment definitely has been somewhat of a game changer.
The band is always fun that way-- you never know exactly what you're going to get!
So: I've been doing well for the week since I had my fill with Dr. Ren-- no incidents of PB's/ being stuck (not for more than a moment or two)-- but today at lunchtime, I tried to eat a dumpling that was virtually all meat (called a Dim Sum dumpling) and 'fuggedaboudit.' It is still halfway laying there at the top of my throat-- through I (gross) brought a fair bit of it back up. I am resisting using the name "PB" because I do not see it like that-- I see as regurgitation (not burping) but who the hell knows.
To any potential or new bandster-- I was scared to death of this kind of stuff happening-- but let me tell you: it really is minor and short lived, at least from my perspective.
Now, I've made myself a nice cup of relaxing tea and I think I'll just ease up on the solids right this second. Although I do have a mini resees peanut butter cup in my drawer and I may have that a bit later. (Honesty is always the best policy!)
I was a 173.5 this morning-- so I am happy with myself. I know it is not the all time low of 173.0-- but I'm getting there. It is always a 'boing/ boing' around a new number before I see the next... but as we all know, it comes down sooner or later.
I would like to be a lot thinner like RIGHT NOW. But that's just a fantasy. It is hard for me to get my brain around my actual appearance-- but I've been seeing some pictures of myself and I think I'm looking alright. My face has really come down and is not 'puffy' like it once was-- but I will ALWAYS have a chubby cheeks type face-- that's how I'm built.
As for my stomach and back: my stomach is alot flatter and I can feel my pelvic bones when I lie on my back... but I can't see them-- when I am really thin, I can actually see them a bit from what I recall.
My back fat is almost all gone-- there was a time when I would look in the mirror and there was a roll of fat that just was there when I stood in front of said mirror getting into or out of the shower or bath. That roll is gone-- good news.
Let me not forget: my legs are less enormous-- I have always had very 'big' legs, much of it being fat and dimply cellulite (ugh.) But I am also well muscled from years of exercise... so I am starting to see the definitions of my muscles in my legs better too.
And while I am at it, naming all of the appearance advantages of losing 30 pounds from my ALL TIME HIGH before the band (203)-- let me say that my FEET used to hurt at the end of the day. I hated to admit that to myself, but it was true. And I was BONE tired. I am still pretty tired at the end of most work days, but I absolutely have more energy and zest for doing things now that I am lighter.
I am less ashamed of my body, I'll go out in a bikini, even shorts, or a sun dress. Not alot for the shorts/ sundress-- but at the pool-- I am there in the bikini.
So what is this passion for thin right now? I guess it is just the societal pressure, the personal pressure and the desire to roll back those years. Don't get me wrong: I am so glad that I am down to the 173.whatevers-- great progress, but certainly not a stopping point for me. And before I piss anyone off: everyone's goals are individual and their own.
Don't look to me to figure out what your goals ought to be-- I can barely sort myself out!!
Anyhow: 173, a weight to be GLAD about? Humbug. I remember a time of getting on the scale in 2004 and seeing 170 and having a total meltdown. My how things have changed.
Look, I guess I just need to accept myself as I am -- because I'm the me I've got to live with-- and I am pretty satisfied with myself anyway. All that comparison I'm doing by looking backwards isn't helping me at all. I'm here in 2010 doing really great on a weight loss regimen that allows me to LIVE my life and not obsess about eating at all. I enjoy food, I don't overexercise to make it up later.
I'm at peace. So what if I am not supermodel thin? I will never be that thin anyway-- that was never my goal. It's just a nice fantasy to see myself so much slimmer in my mind, but I must be patient b/c the process is happening safely and effectively-- and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Right?
This 'admission' comes along with a big responsibility: special care to get my nutrition in without using sliders and without causing myself unnecessary side effect.
Yeah, I think my latest adjustment definitely has been somewhat of a game changer.
The band is always fun that way-- you never know exactly what you're going to get!
So: I've been doing well for the week since I had my fill with Dr. Ren-- no incidents of PB's/ being stuck (not for more than a moment or two)-- but today at lunchtime, I tried to eat a dumpling that was virtually all meat (called a Dim Sum dumpling) and 'fuggedaboudit.' It is still halfway laying there at the top of my throat-- through I (gross) brought a fair bit of it back up. I am resisting using the name "PB" because I do not see it like that-- I see as regurgitation (not burping) but who the hell knows.
To any potential or new bandster-- I was scared to death of this kind of stuff happening-- but let me tell you: it really is minor and short lived, at least from my perspective.
Now, I've made myself a nice cup of relaxing tea and I think I'll just ease up on the solids right this second. Although I do have a mini resees peanut butter cup in my drawer and I may have that a bit later. (Honesty is always the best policy!)
I was a 173.5 this morning-- so I am happy with myself. I know it is not the all time low of 173.0-- but I'm getting there. It is always a 'boing/ boing' around a new number before I see the next... but as we all know, it comes down sooner or later.
I would like to be a lot thinner like RIGHT NOW. But that's just a fantasy. It is hard for me to get my brain around my actual appearance-- but I've been seeing some pictures of myself and I think I'm looking alright. My face has really come down and is not 'puffy' like it once was-- but I will ALWAYS have a chubby cheeks type face-- that's how I'm built.
As for my stomach and back: my stomach is alot flatter and I can feel my pelvic bones when I lie on my back... but I can't see them-- when I am really thin, I can actually see them a bit from what I recall.
My back fat is almost all gone-- there was a time when I would look in the mirror and there was a roll of fat that just was there when I stood in front of said mirror getting into or out of the shower or bath. That roll is gone-- good news.
Let me not forget: my legs are less enormous-- I have always had very 'big' legs, much of it being fat and dimply cellulite (ugh.) But I am also well muscled from years of exercise... so I am starting to see the definitions of my muscles in my legs better too.
And while I am at it, naming all of the appearance advantages of losing 30 pounds from my ALL TIME HIGH before the band (203)-- let me say that my FEET used to hurt at the end of the day. I hated to admit that to myself, but it was true. And I was BONE tired. I am still pretty tired at the end of most work days, but I absolutely have more energy and zest for doing things now that I am lighter.
I am less ashamed of my body, I'll go out in a bikini, even shorts, or a sun dress. Not alot for the shorts/ sundress-- but at the pool-- I am there in the bikini.
So what is this passion for thin right now? I guess it is just the societal pressure, the personal pressure and the desire to roll back those years. Don't get me wrong: I am so glad that I am down to the 173.whatevers-- great progress, but certainly not a stopping point for me. And before I piss anyone off: everyone's goals are individual and their own.
Don't look to me to figure out what your goals ought to be-- I can barely sort myself out!!
Anyhow: 173, a weight to be GLAD about? Humbug. I remember a time of getting on the scale in 2004 and seeing 170 and having a total meltdown. My how things have changed.
Look, I guess I just need to accept myself as I am -- because I'm the me I've got to live with-- and I am pretty satisfied with myself anyway. All that comparison I'm doing by looking backwards isn't helping me at all. I'm here in 2010 doing really great on a weight loss regimen that allows me to LIVE my life and not obsess about eating at all. I enjoy food, I don't overexercise to make it up later.
I'm at peace. So what if I am not supermodel thin? I will never be that thin anyway-- that was never my goal. It's just a nice fantasy to see myself so much slimmer in my mind, but I must be patient b/c the process is happening safely and effectively-- and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Right?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I'm sick, not silent
Just wanted to tell you guys that I am feeling like shit and that is why I'm neither posting nor commenting these past few days... caught a bad head cold and also my neck pain (that flares up when I sit for long periods AND am under stress) is back in town.
Blech.
I'm a hot mess.
I didn't want to disappear from the blogosphere entirely-- and as you can see, I am writing this at the crack of dawn...so I am sleeping great too. Yipee.
(Gen: do not fear, I seeing my p-doc regularly again so that I can be sure nothing funky happens during this stressful time with my c*areer-- although he is on vacation like every other pysch doc in the country in the month of August. What is that????)
I've digressed.
Once my headache, sore throat, neck ache and tiredness get better sorted out-- you will see me wanting to post and comment a bit more-- but until then (end of the week, or sooner, I hope) I'll be getting myself on the mend as best I can.
Blech.
I'm a hot mess.
I didn't want to disappear from the blogosphere entirely-- and as you can see, I am writing this at the crack of dawn...so I am sleeping great too. Yipee.
(Gen: do not fear, I seeing my p-doc regularly again so that I can be sure nothing funky happens during this stressful time with my c*areer-- although he is on vacation like every other pysch doc in the country in the month of August. What is that????)
I've digressed.
Once my headache, sore throat, neck ache and tiredness get better sorted out-- you will see me wanting to post and comment a bit more-- but until then (end of the week, or sooner, I hope) I'll be getting myself on the mend as best I can.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Observation
I realize that there has been quite a bit of fighting back and forth between the banded 'BOOB's community and some other folks in the 'diet without surgery' community in blog land.
I find all of this interesting and just a little disturbing-- but also thought-provoking.
One thing I've noticed in the 'diet blogs' (non-WLS) is a lot of talking about 'what I ate today' and 'what I avoided eating today' and the 'eating plan' and 'being on plan.'
I don't think there is a whole lot of that type of talk on my blog-- and I am not trying to make myself the 'better one.'
I personally could care less if anyone decides against WLS and wants to go it on his or her own. By all means: I hope they succeed heartily, write a book and go on Oprah-- who obviously abhors WLS for herself. On the other hand: it is a bit sad for me to read all of this 'diet' stuff knowing from whence I came-- years of dieting only to lose the weight and then put on more.
Caveat emptor to all dieters out there-- I want you to be DIFFERENT than I was when I was dieting and maybe you will be. First of all, when I did Weight watchers (for the first of many times, in 1989)-- I worked solid for 3 months, took of about 28 pounds... and then went back to my former eating habits and put it all back on over time.
When I worked with my own nutritionist in 2005, we worked together for around 3 months and I lost about 20 pounds ... and then went back to my former eating habits.
When I did my first pass with Jenny Craig in early 2007, I lost from 179 to 156 from January to March (about 3 months) and then I stopped ordering their food-- and I RAPIDLY put the weight back on ...
Sigh.
I never had a major weight loss after that 2007-- I would go back to Jenny Craig and lose a few, maybe try online WW and lose a few, but I just could never get a grip on the whole deal again-- maybe something broke in me once my career escalated to new heights of busy-ness and stress?
Hmmm
The point is that my story is different than anyone else's story for the simple reason that no two stories are identical. But the thing that scares me for the dieters out there is that when I take a look at their blogs, I see my old self reflected. Look back through this blog into 2007-- you'll see-- I am talking about my 'plan' and staying on plan and what I was going to eat and NOT going to eat.
Here are some choice entries-- Click them:
12/31/06 Comments on my first day of Jenny Craig- so excited!!
1/18/07 Excited and Happy with Jenny Craig plan
2/21/07 Happy Day-feeling so JC confident!!
3/07 Oh no, not again...
4/9/07 Trying SO hard to get back on track...(but I never will)
8/1/07 Back to dieting...
I could go on-- but my blog archive is there for the reading-- check it out-- I didn't even post in 2008-- but suffice it to say, I just kept gaining weight, trying to diet, and failing.
By the time I return to the blog world in 2009-- I'm committing to WLS.
Diets make you think about food all the time. And if you're not thinking about food all the time, it is because you have consciously erased food from the picture for the time being- but don't be fooled! Food is always in the picture and once you let go of your white-knuckled resolve-- the floodgates could open all over again.
I totally DO NOT WISH THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN to those who are losing weight without WLS. But I am frankly a bit nervous for them that their success will continue in the long term.
Obviously, there is very good reason for those same folks to come back to me and say "Well how are you different, lady?" You're still 173 pounds (in the overweight category) and haven't loss all your weight, nor are you talking it off very fast, nor have you shown any ability to maintain your weight loss yet-- so who are you to talk???
Yep: you're right if you're thinking that.
But I know that I am different from the old Dinnerland in ways that make my progress sustainable and my weight loss potentially more permanent and I want to share those ways with you:
1) I have been at this attempt to lose the excess weight since the middle of December 2010-- with surgery having been on January 4th, 2010.
That makes 7 (or close to 8 depending on how you count it) months of continued progress down the scale.
Progress of that nature is absolutely a first in my entire weight loss history. Never have I stayed committed to a 'lifestyle change' or 'diet' for so long....I would always wear out or have some life change around the 3 month mark that would throw the diet down the drain and I would find myself gaining the weight back each and every time.
2) I am NOT dieting. There is NO PLAN to follow, so there is NO PLAN to NOT FOLLOW or STOP DOING whenever I am 'done' losing weight.
This is really, really important.
I am simply living my life with the band as a tool to help me.
Yes: of course I listen to my band and try to avoid all unnecessary side-effects. I chew my food very carefully, I take a long time to eat a dinner meal (25 to 30 minutes, whilst my husband and son are done in 10 to 15 at most) if I'm trying to get in some solid protein and veggies or whatever.
Yes: I weigh myself daily to keep track of my progress.
But there is no set way that I must eat at all.
I eat based on what I believe my body needs, or what I am yearning for-- and I keep the portions 'ridiculously small' according to some observations by my mother. And my husband has been surprised by my feedback that when he serves me a plate of food, I want to start off with a serving that is the equivalent of my 6 year old's! (Sometimes less.)
The band has been a great training ground for me to see how small my portions can be and still be wonderful and satisfying. The band has opened up foods that were mystical 'bad' foods, ones that I would be guilty for eating-- and now I just go for them as options when I want them.
Last night's dinner is a good example. Hubs grilled burgers on the grill, along with sweet onions, hamburger buns, and he made a side salad of fresh cucumbers from our neighbor's garden, a garden tomato from a co-worker of mine, and some fresh red and orange peppers (dressed in some balsamic and olive oil.) He sliced an avocado up and put that down on the table.
I microwaved up a few pieces of crispy center cut bacon and mixed up some mayo and ketchup-- and we had mustard on the table too... the idea being a really tasty treat burger with lots of fixings and flavors.
What did I eat (remember, I was technically still on mushies today with my fill being on Wednesday):
Half a burger, 2 small slices of crispy center cut bacon, 1 slice of avocado, a bit of the side salad, a small crust of the toasted bun (I sliced off the very top most part of the flat side of the bun, almost making it into a 'cracker')-- and I had that with the mustard, mayo and ketchup combo.
It took me a good 25 minutes to eat my burger, which I was mashing up with avocado, condiments and then eating small bites with either the bacon as a 'cracker' or a bit of bread.
This was a delicious meal! Do we have burgers every night? Nope, but it is a good rendering of how I allowed myself to eat things that might have been taboo in the past: Ketchup AND Mayo with Avocado AND Bacon with this burger-- bits of bun??? Shame on me.
No: shame on the diet mentality for me. That has just created a bad diet war in my head that I'm resolving presently.
3) I see no sign of needing to 'fire up my motivation' to continue-- and I see no sign of wanting or needing to 'quit' what I'm doing.
What am I doing anyway?
I AM LIVING.
The point I am trying to make is that while I have the utmost admiration and hope for those folks who are at it losing weight through diet and exercise-- I also have concerns for them in the long run.
I sincerely hope I am totally off and only looking at things through my own lens of failed years of dieting.
Perhaps that is the difference. I dieted for most of my life-- so no diet was going to save me anymore. It wasn't a matter of 'could I lose this weight if I just shut my mouth and pushed away from the table."
I always lost weight when I was truly able to commit to a limit of around 1200 calories per day. Weight usually fell off of me at that caloric level.
What I couldn't do anymore was muster up the motivation to put myself through the denial of food and the constant planning and the fighting my appetite (which DID improve for a while during periods where I stringently stayed away from many foods and kept my portions very small-- like on Jenny Craig) to put myself on a 1200 calorie per day diet.
I am not kidding myself-- I know that I am presently on a lowered calorie 'diet' to the extent that I am eating less and losing weight. I must be eating closer to an average of 1500 calories per day since I"m losing 1/2 a pound per week.... now that I think of it. But the weight is coming off regularly and healthily-- so I'll accept the pace and not push for faster, b/c why do I need to do that??? So I can fit into a size 8 pair of slacks by the Winter? Who cares? I will get there when I get there.
I know that the way I am losing weight is pretty dang simple: I'm eating less calories. I eat less frequently, and I skip many meals. I no longer feel obligated to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner. I eat when I want to eat... and I don't eat when I don't feel like eating.
On a final note: this is a very good year for me, despite the ongoing w0*k dramas-- I know eventually that will sort out-- I will find the place for me and my talents to really 'sing' sooner or later...
I am getting to that time of year where I remember what I weighed when...
It is almost my birthday: October 5th. Right now, I am 173ish, and I will probably boing around there for a few weeks.
Last year, I know I was approximately 196ish in October-- so what a great accomplishment that I may be down to close to 170 for my birthday!! That is progress measured in years. (I always remember what I weighed on my birthday.)
More great milestones to come as I chug along.
Good luck to EVERYONE who is working to take off excess weight-- there is certainly no right way to do it-- there is only YOU and your decision about how to do it best.
Forget the haters and just focus on yourself and turn your journey inward-- because that is really what it is all about.
I find all of this interesting and just a little disturbing-- but also thought-provoking.
One thing I've noticed in the 'diet blogs' (non-WLS) is a lot of talking about 'what I ate today' and 'what I avoided eating today' and the 'eating plan' and 'being on plan.'
I don't think there is a whole lot of that type of talk on my blog-- and I am not trying to make myself the 'better one.'
I personally could care less if anyone decides against WLS and wants to go it on his or her own. By all means: I hope they succeed heartily, write a book and go on Oprah-- who obviously abhors WLS for herself. On the other hand: it is a bit sad for me to read all of this 'diet' stuff knowing from whence I came-- years of dieting only to lose the weight and then put on more.
Caveat emptor to all dieters out there-- I want you to be DIFFERENT than I was when I was dieting and maybe you will be. First of all, when I did Weight watchers (for the first of many times, in 1989)-- I worked solid for 3 months, took of about 28 pounds... and then went back to my former eating habits and put it all back on over time.
When I worked with my own nutritionist in 2005, we worked together for around 3 months and I lost about 20 pounds ... and then went back to my former eating habits.
When I did my first pass with Jenny Craig in early 2007, I lost from 179 to 156 from January to March (about 3 months) and then I stopped ordering their food-- and I RAPIDLY put the weight back on ...
Sigh.
I never had a major weight loss after that 2007-- I would go back to Jenny Craig and lose a few, maybe try online WW and lose a few, but I just could never get a grip on the whole deal again-- maybe something broke in me once my career escalated to new heights of busy-ness and stress?
Hmmm
The point is that my story is different than anyone else's story for the simple reason that no two stories are identical. But the thing that scares me for the dieters out there is that when I take a look at their blogs, I see my old self reflected. Look back through this blog into 2007-- you'll see-- I am talking about my 'plan' and staying on plan and what I was going to eat and NOT going to eat.
Here are some choice entries-- Click them:
12/31/06 Comments on my first day of Jenny Craig- so excited!!
1/18/07 Excited and Happy with Jenny Craig plan
2/21/07 Happy Day-feeling so JC confident!!
3/07 Oh no, not again...
4/9/07 Trying SO hard to get back on track...(but I never will)
8/1/07 Back to dieting...
I could go on-- but my blog archive is there for the reading-- check it out-- I didn't even post in 2008-- but suffice it to say, I just kept gaining weight, trying to diet, and failing.
By the time I return to the blog world in 2009-- I'm committing to WLS.
Diets make you think about food all the time. And if you're not thinking about food all the time, it is because you have consciously erased food from the picture for the time being- but don't be fooled! Food is always in the picture and once you let go of your white-knuckled resolve-- the floodgates could open all over again.
I totally DO NOT WISH THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN to those who are losing weight without WLS. But I am frankly a bit nervous for them that their success will continue in the long term.
Obviously, there is very good reason for those same folks to come back to me and say "Well how are you different, lady?" You're still 173 pounds (in the overweight category) and haven't loss all your weight, nor are you talking it off very fast, nor have you shown any ability to maintain your weight loss yet-- so who are you to talk???
Yep: you're right if you're thinking that.
But I know that I am different from the old Dinnerland in ways that make my progress sustainable and my weight loss potentially more permanent and I want to share those ways with you:
1) I have been at this attempt to lose the excess weight since the middle of December 2010-- with surgery having been on January 4th, 2010.
That makes 7 (or close to 8 depending on how you count it) months of continued progress down the scale.
Progress of that nature is absolutely a first in my entire weight loss history. Never have I stayed committed to a 'lifestyle change' or 'diet' for so long....I would always wear out or have some life change around the 3 month mark that would throw the diet down the drain and I would find myself gaining the weight back each and every time.
2) I am NOT dieting. There is NO PLAN to follow, so there is NO PLAN to NOT FOLLOW or STOP DOING whenever I am 'done' losing weight.
This is really, really important.
I am simply living my life with the band as a tool to help me.
Yes: of course I listen to my band and try to avoid all unnecessary side-effects. I chew my food very carefully, I take a long time to eat a dinner meal (25 to 30 minutes, whilst my husband and son are done in 10 to 15 at most) if I'm trying to get in some solid protein and veggies or whatever.
Yes: I weigh myself daily to keep track of my progress.
But there is no set way that I must eat at all.
I eat based on what I believe my body needs, or what I am yearning for-- and I keep the portions 'ridiculously small' according to some observations by my mother. And my husband has been surprised by my feedback that when he serves me a plate of food, I want to start off with a serving that is the equivalent of my 6 year old's! (Sometimes less.)
The band has been a great training ground for me to see how small my portions can be and still be wonderful and satisfying. The band has opened up foods that were mystical 'bad' foods, ones that I would be guilty for eating-- and now I just go for them as options when I want them.
Last night's dinner is a good example. Hubs grilled burgers on the grill, along with sweet onions, hamburger buns, and he made a side salad of fresh cucumbers from our neighbor's garden, a garden tomato from a co-worker of mine, and some fresh red and orange peppers (dressed in some balsamic and olive oil.) He sliced an avocado up and put that down on the table.
I microwaved up a few pieces of crispy center cut bacon and mixed up some mayo and ketchup-- and we had mustard on the table too... the idea being a really tasty treat burger with lots of fixings and flavors.
What did I eat (remember, I was technically still on mushies today with my fill being on Wednesday):
Half a burger, 2 small slices of crispy center cut bacon, 1 slice of avocado, a bit of the side salad, a small crust of the toasted bun (I sliced off the very top most part of the flat side of the bun, almost making it into a 'cracker')-- and I had that with the mustard, mayo and ketchup combo.
It took me a good 25 minutes to eat my burger, which I was mashing up with avocado, condiments and then eating small bites with either the bacon as a 'cracker' or a bit of bread.
This was a delicious meal! Do we have burgers every night? Nope, but it is a good rendering of how I allowed myself to eat things that might have been taboo in the past: Ketchup AND Mayo with Avocado AND Bacon with this burger-- bits of bun??? Shame on me.
No: shame on the diet mentality for me. That has just created a bad diet war in my head that I'm resolving presently.
3) I see no sign of needing to 'fire up my motivation' to continue-- and I see no sign of wanting or needing to 'quit' what I'm doing.
What am I doing anyway?
I AM LIVING.
The point I am trying to make is that while I have the utmost admiration and hope for those folks who are at it losing weight through diet and exercise-- I also have concerns for them in the long run.
I sincerely hope I am totally off and only looking at things through my own lens of failed years of dieting.
Perhaps that is the difference. I dieted for most of my life-- so no diet was going to save me anymore. It wasn't a matter of 'could I lose this weight if I just shut my mouth and pushed away from the table."
I always lost weight when I was truly able to commit to a limit of around 1200 calories per day. Weight usually fell off of me at that caloric level.
What I couldn't do anymore was muster up the motivation to put myself through the denial of food and the constant planning and the fighting my appetite (which DID improve for a while during periods where I stringently stayed away from many foods and kept my portions very small-- like on Jenny Craig) to put myself on a 1200 calorie per day diet.
I am not kidding myself-- I know that I am presently on a lowered calorie 'diet' to the extent that I am eating less and losing weight. I must be eating closer to an average of 1500 calories per day since I"m losing 1/2 a pound per week.... now that I think of it. But the weight is coming off regularly and healthily-- so I'll accept the pace and not push for faster, b/c why do I need to do that??? So I can fit into a size 8 pair of slacks by the Winter? Who cares? I will get there when I get there.
I know that the way I am losing weight is pretty dang simple: I'm eating less calories. I eat less frequently, and I skip many meals. I no longer feel obligated to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner. I eat when I want to eat... and I don't eat when I don't feel like eating.
On a final note: this is a very good year for me, despite the ongoing w0*k dramas-- I know eventually that will sort out-- I will find the place for me and my talents to really 'sing' sooner or later...
I am getting to that time of year where I remember what I weighed when...
It is almost my birthday: October 5th. Right now, I am 173ish, and I will probably boing around there for a few weeks.
Last year, I know I was approximately 196ish in October-- so what a great accomplishment that I may be down to close to 170 for my birthday!! That is progress measured in years. (I always remember what I weighed on my birthday.)
More great milestones to come as I chug along.
Good luck to EVERYONE who is working to take off excess weight-- there is certainly no right way to do it-- there is only YOU and your decision about how to do it best.
Forget the haters and just focus on yourself and turn your journey inward-- because that is really what it is all about.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Nice shift downward after a day of liquids...
Edited to add: I just read Gen's blog and I must post the link to it here-- this is something I would have written had I taken the time and energy to do the research and if I were as damn smart and perceptive as our Gen. Lots of love to our Gem, Gen.
Click me! This is your brain on cake.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Got fill?
I did.
Sure enough, when I saw Dr. Ren-- having lost 5 pounds over the past 2 months (which is right on track for me y'all) I explained that I was getting progressively hungrier and that while I know it is ideal to be able to eat all foods: things like chicken, bread and pasta were much easier than they have been in the past.
I also told her specifically that I usually like to have 1 main meal per day (dinner)-- and usually like to drink coffee or have something light during the day-- and I said that it was getting harder to do that b/c I was hungry. Dr. Ren replied very sympathetically, "Yeah, that sucks. Ok, let's go..." (ie: let's do a fill.)
Eh, voila: a fill for me-- I actually don't know what amount she put in, but she is very conservative so I feel confident that while I will have greater restriction, I will not be too tight.
I am being an extra specially compliant 'bandster' with the fill rules (2 days of liquids (day 1 being the day of the fill) followed by 2 days of mushies) because I don't want to risk irritating the band and winding up needing an unfill. Such an incident would be much more inconvenient than ever before b/c I am no longer just a mile from the surgeon's offices.
Today's 'eating':
coffee/ milk
water
tomato soup with milk mixed in
coffee/ milk
1 mini resee's peanut butter cup * Note: I realize this was not a liquid, persay, but we all know that a tiny piece of candy like this turns to liquid in your mouth instantly-- I ate it in about 4 bites-- very slowly / conservatively*
3/4 dirty martini (minus the olives)
1 protein shake made with 1% milk and some powdered peanut butter
For anyone interested in POWDERED PEANUT BUTTER:
http://www.bellplantation.com/
Pretty low cal for the day....
Tomorrow: more of the same, liquids are the thing...
Hoping for better hunger control with this fill- though I haven't been 'struggling' in any major way, it would be nice to be a little less concerned with food.
We shall see.
Oh band, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Sure enough, when I saw Dr. Ren-- having lost 5 pounds over the past 2 months (which is right on track for me y'all) I explained that I was getting progressively hungrier and that while I know it is ideal to be able to eat all foods: things like chicken, bread and pasta were much easier than they have been in the past.
I also told her specifically that I usually like to have 1 main meal per day (dinner)-- and usually like to drink coffee or have something light during the day-- and I said that it was getting harder to do that b/c I was hungry. Dr. Ren replied very sympathetically, "Yeah, that sucks. Ok, let's go..." (ie: let's do a fill.)
Eh, voila: a fill for me-- I actually don't know what amount she put in, but she is very conservative so I feel confident that while I will have greater restriction, I will not be too tight.
I am being an extra specially compliant 'bandster' with the fill rules (2 days of liquids (day 1 being the day of the fill) followed by 2 days of mushies) because I don't want to risk irritating the band and winding up needing an unfill. Such an incident would be much more inconvenient than ever before b/c I am no longer just a mile from the surgeon's offices.
Today's 'eating':
coffee/ milk
water
tomato soup with milk mixed in
coffee/ milk
1 mini resee's peanut butter cup * Note: I realize this was not a liquid, persay, but we all know that a tiny piece of candy like this turns to liquid in your mouth instantly-- I ate it in about 4 bites-- very slowly / conservatively*
3/4 dirty martini (minus the olives)
1 protein shake made with 1% milk and some powdered peanut butter
For anyone interested in POWDERED PEANUT BUTTER:
http://www.bellplantation.com/
Pretty low cal for the day....
Tomorrow: more of the same, liquids are the thing...
Hoping for better hunger control with this fill- though I haven't been 'struggling' in any major way, it would be nice to be a little less concerned with food.
We shall see.
Oh band, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Up in the middle of the night
Yep. I'm up. Not a good thing-- but at least I am going to catch up on blogging right now and say hello to y'all.
I just wrote a whole blog and then erased it.
I can't actually share with you all what is on my mind and of concern it too much detail.
Suffice it to say that my new placement is not at all what was promised. I'll be dealing with that in the best way until there are more changes on horizon.
The up sides include: better trip to and from, smaller/ more compact place, problems that are not unsurmountable (persay)-- were I able to actually address them the way that I would like to do using my ex-per-tise. Let's just say that within the confines of the structure, it will be hard to get much change done. So, I'll do my best (which I always do) and then make my moves from there.
I think that is considerably vague enough-- but I didn't want to lie to you all and act like everything is peachy in that regard when it simply isn't. I'm very challenged right now by this latest turn of events-- emotionally very hard.
I'll be seeing Dr. Ren today-- and am looking forward to what I imagine will be a rather quick discussion, but one that will be useful. I expect to have taken off about 4 or 5 pounds-- I will be getting on a different scale as I am seeing her in her 'upstate' office, so I don't know whether that will be a game changer or not relative to my weight. Suffice it to say that I have lost enough make to make a difference in the last few months-- and I am pleased with my (albeit slow) progress.
If I had to guess, I think I'll be getting a small fill. I am not committed to getting a fill-- no need for begging for a 'fix' as we've discussed... but I think that I am hungrier than I probably ought or need to be with the band. It is definitely a tricky thing. What I can say is that I find myself hungrier than usual in the mornings and afternoons-- evenings, I'm always hungry, so that is not new. And I think I need to eat MORE food to satisfy my hunger than I have needed to in the past. So that is why I am thinking a small fill might be needed.
I know that when I explained to Dr. Ren one time that I can eat chicken-- which I originally thought was an indicator of band looseness-- she said that was OK and she would like to see me eating a variety of foods. This time, I will report that I can now pretty easily eat pasta, chicken, and I even ate half of an untoasted scooped out bagel one morning. Not sure that this is exactly the best restriction situation for the weight loss phase. The more I think about it-- the more I am convinced that a bit of a fill would be a good thing.
Of course, the downside is that I don't want to be too tight and unhappy. I definitely do not think I need some sort of MAJOR adjustment to my restriction level. I am doing well, consistently watching the scale go down (at a snail's pace, mind you-- and that is FINE-- I like me some chocolate, some wine, and some other good stuff when I feel like it, that's LIFE) ... but all that said: since I don't go in every month now, I think taking advantage of this visit and getting a fill if offered is a good plan.
Blah blah blah.
I ought to try to get back to bed for a little while now.
Goodbye chickas and fellas.
I just wrote a whole blog and then erased it.
I can't actually share with you all what is on my mind and of concern it too much detail.
Suffice it to say that my new placement is not at all what was promised. I'll be dealing with that in the best way until there are more changes on horizon.
The up sides include: better trip to and from, smaller/ more compact place, problems that are not unsurmountable (persay)-- were I able to actually address them the way that I would like to do using my ex-per-tise. Let's just say that within the confines of the structure, it will be hard to get much change done. So, I'll do my best (which I always do) and then make my moves from there.
I think that is considerably vague enough-- but I didn't want to lie to you all and act like everything is peachy in that regard when it simply isn't. I'm very challenged right now by this latest turn of events-- emotionally very hard.
I'll be seeing Dr. Ren today-- and am looking forward to what I imagine will be a rather quick discussion, but one that will be useful. I expect to have taken off about 4 or 5 pounds-- I will be getting on a different scale as I am seeing her in her 'upstate' office, so I don't know whether that will be a game changer or not relative to my weight. Suffice it to say that I have lost enough make to make a difference in the last few months-- and I am pleased with my (albeit slow) progress.
If I had to guess, I think I'll be getting a small fill. I am not committed to getting a fill-- no need for begging for a 'fix' as we've discussed... but I think that I am hungrier than I probably ought or need to be with the band. It is definitely a tricky thing. What I can say is that I find myself hungrier than usual in the mornings and afternoons-- evenings, I'm always hungry, so that is not new. And I think I need to eat MORE food to satisfy my hunger than I have needed to in the past. So that is why I am thinking a small fill might be needed.
I know that when I explained to Dr. Ren one time that I can eat chicken-- which I originally thought was an indicator of band looseness-- she said that was OK and she would like to see me eating a variety of foods. This time, I will report that I can now pretty easily eat pasta, chicken, and I even ate half of an untoasted scooped out bagel one morning. Not sure that this is exactly the best restriction situation for the weight loss phase. The more I think about it-- the more I am convinced that a bit of a fill would be a good thing.
Of course, the downside is that I don't want to be too tight and unhappy. I definitely do not think I need some sort of MAJOR adjustment to my restriction level. I am doing well, consistently watching the scale go down (at a snail's pace, mind you-- and that is FINE-- I like me some chocolate, some wine, and some other good stuff when I feel like it, that's LIFE) ... but all that said: since I don't go in every month now, I think taking advantage of this visit and getting a fill if offered is a good plan.
Blah blah blah.
I ought to try to get back to bed for a little while now.
Goodbye chickas and fellas.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
No/ Yes lists
I hate admitting when I haven't been doing well. But acceptance and admission are the first steps to getting things right.
All excuses aside, I have not had a good few eating days-- and today I am waking up and not feeling good at all. Perhaps it's the cookies and chips I wound up eating when we had friends over yesterday? And the large glass of wine?
That's it! No more. I'm going cold turkey for a couple of days on treats and getting back to basics.
Water. Protein. Fruit/ Veggies.
This is a very good time to do a more pure eating program because I'll be able to give Dr. Ren a clearer picture of what is happening with my band when I see her for a check up on Wednesday August 11th.
(Let's be honest, I also have to get on her scale, and I don't want all of my lovely progress to totally evaporate b/c of incidental water retention/ bloating or even frank weight gain from continued sub-optimal choices.)
That said: I'm not starting a diet, I am simply re-assessing my choices. I am making an active decision to take some of the trigger foods out so that I will feel better.
The 'no' list through Wednesday afternoon:
NO:
Wine/ liquor -- i.e. no adult beverages
Hard chocolate
Cookies
Peanut butter
Ice Cream
Chips
Olives :-(
The 'yes' list includes:
YES!!:
Water/ Flavored low cal drinks/ Coffee
Dairy (milk/ cheese)
Proteins (fish/ eggs preferred)
Fruit
Veggies
Daily treat: Jello 'Mousse' cup (yes, it is chocolate, which is why I wrote no 'hard' chocolate above)
Food report for the day:
coffee with milk
water
@9am: 3 bites of egg white omelette w/ salsa, guacamole, cheddar cheese (and cilantro)
@11am: finished the above (3 egg whites/ salsa/ guac./ cheddar cheese-- with a tbs of tszatiki sauce
12 noon: coffee with milk
2pm: 40 Mins treadmill walk
3pm: 1/2 cup watermelon/ water
4:30pm: 1 grilled hot dog, 2 small fresh mozzarella balls
1/2 puffed 'pirate's booty'
---------------------
All excuses aside, I have not had a good few eating days-- and today I am waking up and not feeling good at all. Perhaps it's the cookies and chips I wound up eating when we had friends over yesterday? And the large glass of wine?
That's it! No more. I'm going cold turkey for a couple of days on treats and getting back to basics.
Water. Protein. Fruit/ Veggies.
This is a very good time to do a more pure eating program because I'll be able to give Dr. Ren a clearer picture of what is happening with my band when I see her for a check up on Wednesday August 11th.
(Let's be honest, I also have to get on her scale, and I don't want all of my lovely progress to totally evaporate b/c of incidental water retention/ bloating or even frank weight gain from continued sub-optimal choices.)
That said: I'm not starting a diet, I am simply re-assessing my choices. I am making an active decision to take some of the trigger foods out so that I will feel better.
The 'no' list through Wednesday afternoon:
NO:
Wine/ liquor -- i.e. no adult beverages
Hard chocolate
Cookies
Peanut butter
Ice Cream
Chips
Olives :-(
The 'yes' list includes:
YES!!:
Water/ Flavored low cal drinks/ Coffee
Dairy (milk/ cheese)
Proteins (fish/ eggs preferred)
Fruit
Veggies
Daily treat: Jello 'Mousse' cup (yes, it is chocolate, which is why I wrote no 'hard' chocolate above)
Food report for the day:
coffee with milk
water
@9am: 3 bites of egg white omelette w/ salsa, guacamole, cheddar cheese (and cilantro)
@11am: finished the above (3 egg whites/ salsa/ guac./ cheddar cheese-- with a tbs of tszatiki sauce
12 noon: coffee with milk
2pm: 40 Mins treadmill walk
3pm: 1/2 cup watermelon/ water
4:30pm: 1 grilled hot dog, 2 small fresh mozzarella balls
1/2 puffed 'pirate's booty'
---------------------
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Things that make you go hmmm
Before I launch into the blog for today-- here are a couple of fun pictures...
I've recently gotten into some interesting discussions with folks who are not necessarily proponents of weight loss surgery in the blogosphere. Do you know Allan from Almost Gastric Bypass?
Click here for Allan's blog
 |
| Here is a picture my son took of my this morning with my Mac. |
 |
| J and me in our kitchen-- sunny day! |
I've recently gotten into some interesting discussions with folks who are not necessarily proponents of weight loss surgery in the blogosphere. Do you know Allan from Almost Gastric Bypass?
Click here for Allan's blog
This dude is amazing, he is losing lots of weight and with great consistency using a gastric bypass diet but without having had the surgery. I commend his willpower and fortitude.
Allan isn't against WLS from what I can tell, he is rather more thoughtful about it-- and it seems like a route that didn't feel right to him. (He is a prolific writer and I haven't read all the way through his blog. I'm not totally sure what led him to his diet or whatever...)
In any case: Allan describes a reverence for WLS, and that he sees it as a tremendous gift (I agree) that shouldn't be squandered. I definitely agree that we who have had WLS do not want to squander our precious gift of a health enhancement tool-- but I'm not 100% buying into Allan's model either.
One of Allan's points that really resonated with me, and with which I very much agree, is that having the band and then basically just 'pigging out' constantly is pretty counter productive. I use the phrase 'pigging out' to be a little funny-- but also as a non-specific term. And therein lies the problem.
The whole issue is a continuum of behavior-- and where I diverge from Allan (and Allan, props to you-- you're just giving me thinking material-- I have respect for your position !) is that I don't believe that one must give up the foods s/he has loved in his/her life in order to reach a healthy weight and stay there. In fact, for me, I feel quite the opposite.
Having the band has demystified my love of cookies, cakes, brownies and all gooey, calorie-laden carbohydrate foods. Instead of not being able to stop at a slice of cake or a cookie or 2-- I am now able to tell myself that I can have what I like and there is always tomorrow. The freedom of WLS for me has been the CHOICES that I can truly make now that I am in control of myself again.
It is a waxing and waning control and I am very new at piloting this new 'plane.' I am hardly an expert in the field. But as I experience it and go through my learning-- I become ever more convinced that what WLS surgery gave me was the ability to make the right choices, and the confidence in myself to know that I will be ok if I have a LITTLE bit of a treat and then move on. I don't even have to have the treat, b/c you know what? I won't ever be on some dumb and arbitrary diet again-- so I don't need any 'last supper' to 'get it all in' before I have to 'give it all up!'
My eating history and yo-yo dieting have been a lot about extremes. Either I was in an extreme diet and exercise phase and losing 2 pounds per week... and being a total zealot about my chosen plan OR I was in an extreme "I give up phase" where I was gradually putting on weight and feeling lousy, tired, poorly nourished and regretful about my choices.
What the hell was this all about?
It was about a lack of fundamental control over my appetite that no matter what I tried, I could not HOLD ONTO. For me: it really wasn't a matter of having excellent 'willpower' for a period of around 3 months or so-- it was a matter of feeling the relief of no longer being in the 'overweight' category and then letting the floodgates loose, losing the motivation to follow a stringent plan-- even despite my best hopes that 'this diet was going to teach me new eating habits for life.' Ha. Never happened.
Look: more power to the dieting population out there who accomplished what I NEVER COULD DO ON MY OWN WITHOUT WLS. I am so happy for those folks-- they give hope for the future for people who want to avoid any medical intervention. The true test for those folks as I see it is whether when they reach their goal weights, will they keep the weight off?
This is not a challenge or a slam. It is my genuine concern for anyone (including myself) who has struggled with weight issues in his or her life. My observation is that many of us can take it off-- but can we KEEP it OFF? There is the rub.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. My confidence is growing in the band approach FOR ME. I believe that it is going to take me SO LONG to reach my goal weight, that I will be solidifying new eating habits in a way that I never had a chance to do in the past. I cannot recall a 'diet' that I was on that lasted much more than 3 months. The zealot in my always ran out of steam for the extreme limits I was placing on myself. (By extreme-- I don't even mean starvation. I mean counting points a la weight watchers, or eating Jenny Craig meals-- it just wasn't sustainable as a lifestyle for me.)
You know what: when I spoke to Dr. Ren about what my calorie count should be-- she responded, "You really want to count calories????" And I said "No."
And she said "Good, don't. The band will help you eat less and the weight will come off when you're adjusted right, it will be fairly effortless."
(I also told her that I was keeping a food diary sometimes, and she LIKED that idea. She just didn't want me to be in a diet mentality and she didn't want me to have to obsess. That isn't what the band is for.)
I don't think she was sending me off to go eat a cake, pie, and two ice cream cones. But she did tell me that if I want a glass of wine, have it. Have a wonderful piece of chocolate too. Enjoy.
But 'eat when you're hungry,' stop before you're full and DON'T eat when you're not hungry. Just because it is 'lunch time' doesn't mean you must eat. Ditto for breakfast and dinner. Just go with your 'gut' and eat when you need to and don't when you are not needing food for fuel.
Anyhow: I am pretty sure that it is time for a little tweak of a fill for me. I've been doing really great and I am so proud of my progress with this wonderful band. I know I've said I've been loose in the past few days, and now that my TOM has arrived, I think I might feel a bit tighter. However: I am noticing that I am feeling more hunger-- and while I don't want to get over adjusted, perhaps just a tiny tweak of an addition of fluid might help me to seek food a bit less often.
We shall see- I am going to leave myself in my capable surgeon's hands (by telling her whatever she needs to know from me to decide on my fill (or not fill.)
The end.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Ack. Looseness. Fill? TOM? ack...
Yeah: I think that the title of this post is sort of reflective of what is going through my head. That, and my superstitions about being so confident about this band stuff. Warning: do not get on your high horse b/c when you are up high, you often take a fall. Ack.
What the hell am I talking about? My unbelievable appetite right now! and my not pitching in with the band in the past few days... oh and a dirty martini last night... all leading to my scale bouncing back up to 177.1.
I have been here before-- remember: I just posted about 'new low syndrome,' which is a serious 'illness' for me. Ha ha.
Click me ! And read about "New Low Syndrome" here
When you combine 'NLS' with TOM' you are F-&#@%--ED. (ha again.)
Seriously, yo, I am HUNGRY. Did my restriction just go out the window? I can't believe I could go from such a great sense of being in the right place to a sudden change to the wrong place. It has got to be hormonal-- I even know there is scientific theory (stated by Dr. Ren herself in the book "Fighting Weight") to back up my claims.
The theory is that the hormones related to TOM cause your esophagus to move food more quickly through the gullet to your gut. Hence, when you are in this time frame, you tend to be able to eat more with the band, feel a sense of being 'looser' and may get very upset about it (hello.) I'm trying to be calm and remember this and just be cool. (Don'cha see my efforts working out so great?)
I am pre-TOM, and that is where I have experienced this phenomenon. If memory serves, the next thing that is going to happen is that I'll actually reach that TOM and my band will snap shut again. All of this in the context of my impending appointment with Dr. Ren-- making things extremely confusing to report. But I will just do my best to tell her exactly what the hell is going on and trust the process from there. My strategy has worked well so far... no reason to think I'll start to fail now. Right? (Right.)
Just a note: I'm not giving up and giving in with this 'hunger' thing. Now that I see what is going on-- it is obvious to me that I need to marshall a bit more of my 'willpower' to think things through before putting things in my mouth. I just read through some powerful blogs by people who think WLS may not be the choicest decision-- and I don't want to give any fuel to the fire of saying that people with WLS think that the band will do everything. I do not think that.
I am simply observing what is happening- and it is clear that I must react with extra care of my eating right now, because the band is doing less than it has in recent weeks. It is a delicate balance.
Have a great day y'all-- and thank you so much for the great comments lately and hello to my new followers!! I read all of your comments, and if I do not make it over to your blog to say hello-- I am meaning to get there fo' sho'.
What the hell am I talking about? My unbelievable appetite right now! and my not pitching in with the band in the past few days... oh and a dirty martini last night... all leading to my scale bouncing back up to 177.1.
I have been here before-- remember: I just posted about 'new low syndrome,' which is a serious 'illness' for me. Ha ha.
Click me ! And read about "New Low Syndrome" here
When you combine 'NLS' with TOM' you are F-&#@%--ED. (ha again.)
Seriously, yo, I am HUNGRY. Did my restriction just go out the window? I can't believe I could go from such a great sense of being in the right place to a sudden change to the wrong place. It has got to be hormonal-- I even know there is scientific theory (stated by Dr. Ren herself in the book "Fighting Weight") to back up my claims.
The theory is that the hormones related to TOM cause your esophagus to move food more quickly through the gullet to your gut. Hence, when you are in this time frame, you tend to be able to eat more with the band, feel a sense of being 'looser' and may get very upset about it (hello.) I'm trying to be calm and remember this and just be cool. (Don'cha see my efforts working out so great?)
I am pre-TOM, and that is where I have experienced this phenomenon. If memory serves, the next thing that is going to happen is that I'll actually reach that TOM and my band will snap shut again. All of this in the context of my impending appointment with Dr. Ren-- making things extremely confusing to report. But I will just do my best to tell her exactly what the hell is going on and trust the process from there. My strategy has worked well so far... no reason to think I'll start to fail now. Right? (Right.)
Just a note: I'm not giving up and giving in with this 'hunger' thing. Now that I see what is going on-- it is obvious to me that I need to marshall a bit more of my 'willpower' to think things through before putting things in my mouth. I just read through some powerful blogs by people who think WLS may not be the choicest decision-- and I don't want to give any fuel to the fire of saying that people with WLS think that the band will do everything. I do not think that.
I am simply observing what is happening- and it is clear that I must react with extra care of my eating right now, because the band is doing less than it has in recent weeks. It is a delicate balance.
Have a great day y'all-- and thank you so much for the great comments lately and hello to my new followers!! I read all of your comments, and if I do not make it over to your blog to say hello-- I am meaning to get there fo' sho'.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Loose-y goose-y
Yep, loose-y goose-y.
I think that's kind of where I am at right now in the grand scheme of things-- it is about to be that *time of the month* and sure enough, I'm hungrier, able to eat more, and have I mentioned that all of a sudden-- I feel hungrier? I had a pretty crap eating day yesterday. Usually, I fend off and totally avoid food offerings at work-- but with that 'time' coming, the Dunkin Donuts chocolate chip muffins and bagels called my name and I didn't ignore the call. (We had a meeting and these evil carb orbs were brought in.) I wound up eating half a scooped out bagel with butter for breakfast-- ahem: I didn't even need to TOAST the bagel, which means that bread could be a bit too easy at this point, a potential sign of looser band-- and most of 1 whole chocolate chip muffin throughout the day of picking at it. Nah: I didn't skip my lunch either-- I had some shredded Spanish style chicken that I've brought this week for lunch.**
My weight this morning-- after eating 'dinner' at 9pm: 175.9. Argh-- but not surprising that when you eat some cheese and chips for dinner (and a healthy pour glass of wine) right before you go to bed: you're gonna see a rise on the scale temporarily. [Dinner wound up being a snack thing b/c we were busy earlier in the night and food got put off until later, too complicated to explain and doesn't matter.]
Did I say that I had a crap eating day? Bad girl.
Ha ha.
Perhaps it IS time for a fill-- but I am a bit concerned b/c I don't want to be getting a fill for the wrong reasons (in this case: being 'looser' and hungrier from female hormones, rather than really having a need to have my band tightened.)
Le sigh. We shall see-- the appointment is coming up on 8/11, and I am kind of tempted and NOT wanting to go, which means I ought to go. Who likes going to the doctor anyway?
But the last time I was in was in early June and I know that I need the check-in/ check up. I've done well for me (at my slow rate of loss)... I've lost around 5 pounds or so since my last fill depending on how the scale is going that day. I committed myself to going to regular follow up visits at the get go-- I read that the number of visits in the first year post-banding has a correlation with success (i.e. the more the 1st year bandster follows up, the better s/he will do. Makes sense to me.)
So: I will be going on 8/11-- and as I said in my last post, I'll just describe what's up and I will let Dr. Ren help me decide. I guess I'm apprehensive to get a fill b/c I am not as close by to the doc's office as I was in my previous j*b... I could basically just run up a few blocks and get an unfill if I really needed it. Now, if I get a fill and it doesn't go well, I'm buying myself a very inconvenient trip into the city.
I'll want to be careful and avoid any aggressive fills to avoid such problems. Fortunately: Dr. Ren has classically been very conservative and if I had to guess, I will get a very conservative, tweak-y type, fill when I go in next week. We shall see.
** Funny bandster story about the chicken I mentioned above:
We went out to a usually great Spanish restaurant in our area last Friday night.
I ordered Chicken on the bone with Garlic Sauce. The portion was ENORMOUS, and I was having a rather tight night. I barely at a bite of the chicken that evening-- and besides, I was disappointed with the flavors... I was expecting POWERFUL garlic taste, and it was kind of bland.
I brought the Chicken dish home and proceeded to make it into a chicken stew, doctoring it with olive oil, red wine, balsamic vinegar, salt, garlic... mmmm. And I let it stew for several hours. It wound up being this really nice shredded chicken dish, and I have lunch portions for-- wait for it:
TWO WEEKS!!
I froze one container to bring next week, and have brought in my other container of portions this week to work. Then I just take a small portion out, warm in microwave, and voila, yummy lunch, no muss, no fuss!
Ha ha. Gotta love the band...my mentality about portions is that they are so much smaller that I can take an admittedly large restaurant leftover meal and turn it into around 10 lunches. That just cracks me up.
I think that's kind of where I am at right now in the grand scheme of things-- it is about to be that *time of the month* and sure enough, I'm hungrier, able to eat more, and have I mentioned that all of a sudden-- I feel hungrier? I had a pretty crap eating day yesterday. Usually, I fend off and totally avoid food offerings at work-- but with that 'time' coming, the Dunkin Donuts chocolate chip muffins and bagels called my name and I didn't ignore the call. (We had a meeting and these evil carb orbs were brought in.) I wound up eating half a scooped out bagel with butter for breakfast-- ahem: I didn't even need to TOAST the bagel, which means that bread could be a bit too easy at this point, a potential sign of looser band-- and most of 1 whole chocolate chip muffin throughout the day of picking at it. Nah: I didn't skip my lunch either-- I had some shredded Spanish style chicken that I've brought this week for lunch.**
My weight this morning-- after eating 'dinner' at 9pm: 175.9. Argh-- but not surprising that when you eat some cheese and chips for dinner (and a healthy pour glass of wine) right before you go to bed: you're gonna see a rise on the scale temporarily. [Dinner wound up being a snack thing b/c we were busy earlier in the night and food got put off until later, too complicated to explain and doesn't matter.]
Did I say that I had a crap eating day? Bad girl.
Ha ha.
Perhaps it IS time for a fill-- but I am a bit concerned b/c I don't want to be getting a fill for the wrong reasons (in this case: being 'looser' and hungrier from female hormones, rather than really having a need to have my band tightened.)
Le sigh. We shall see-- the appointment is coming up on 8/11, and I am kind of tempted and NOT wanting to go, which means I ought to go. Who likes going to the doctor anyway?
But the last time I was in was in early June and I know that I need the check-in/ check up. I've done well for me (at my slow rate of loss)... I've lost around 5 pounds or so since my last fill depending on how the scale is going that day. I committed myself to going to regular follow up visits at the get go-- I read that the number of visits in the first year post-banding has a correlation with success (i.e. the more the 1st year bandster follows up, the better s/he will do. Makes sense to me.)
So: I will be going on 8/11-- and as I said in my last post, I'll just describe what's up and I will let Dr. Ren help me decide. I guess I'm apprehensive to get a fill b/c I am not as close by to the doc's office as I was in my previous j*b... I could basically just run up a few blocks and get an unfill if I really needed it. Now, if I get a fill and it doesn't go well, I'm buying myself a very inconvenient trip into the city.
I'll want to be careful and avoid any aggressive fills to avoid such problems. Fortunately: Dr. Ren has classically been very conservative and if I had to guess, I will get a very conservative, tweak-y type, fill when I go in next week. We shall see.
** Funny bandster story about the chicken I mentioned above:
We went out to a usually great Spanish restaurant in our area last Friday night.
I ordered Chicken on the bone with Garlic Sauce. The portion was ENORMOUS, and I was having a rather tight night. I barely at a bite of the chicken that evening-- and besides, I was disappointed with the flavors... I was expecting POWERFUL garlic taste, and it was kind of bland.
I brought the Chicken dish home and proceeded to make it into a chicken stew, doctoring it with olive oil, red wine, balsamic vinegar, salt, garlic... mmmm. And I let it stew for several hours. It wound up being this really nice shredded chicken dish, and I have lunch portions for-- wait for it:
TWO WEEKS!!
I froze one container to bring next week, and have brought in my other container of portions this week to work. Then I just take a small portion out, warm in microwave, and voila, yummy lunch, no muss, no fuss!
Ha ha. Gotta love the band...my mentality about portions is that they are so much smaller that I can take an admittedly large restaurant leftover meal and turn it into around 10 lunches. That just cracks me up.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
What's the band for anyway???
I just read a great post by Cindylew, here: Cindylew's struggle .
I highly recommend this post to ANY bandster at whatever stage because anyone can get something out of it, in my opinion. To summarize Cindylew's perspective:
Cindy is losing weight and doing well with her band. The trouble is that her weight loss is the result of her white-knuckled willpower to stay at or under 1200 calories per day-- while truly struggling against the feeling of hunger that is not managed (by her description) very much by the band at all.
To make matters worse, Cindy has one of those shithead insensitive surgical practices where the surgeon seems to have forgotten that the whole purpose of the band is to take down the struggle and stop the madness in the weight loss war.
Instead, Cindy describes her experience of going and asking for fills as "feeling like a crackhead" or something like that-- like she is asking for a 'fix' of her drug, instead of a 'fill' which is the essential therapy of the band.
Ack. Good gracious. And fuck that stupid surgeon's practice. He and his group are clearly a bunch of retarded asshats and I am really mad for Cindy.
My surgeon, Dr. Christine Ren, while a human with imperfections (she took a long time to call me back on the day of my surgery when I was worried about what turned out to be bleeding from a heparin shot I had while anesthetized)... is truly skilled with POST-band management. Her entire practice is dedicated to helping patients succeed with the band-- and they don't stick to arbitrary nonsense about rules about when the right time to come for the next fill should be. They LISTEN to their patients and reassure them. They treat me like an individual when I am there-- and whenever I've gone in for a check-up, Dr. Ren asks questions about what's happening with my intake, my feelings of hunger and puts these together with my weight loss progress and comes up with the right amount of fill.
I can really trust her and the rest of the practice and that is wonderful.
Now, back to Cindylew.
The bottom line is that Cindylew is doing great-- but she's doing great the way we've all lost weight without the band in the past. Whilst there is nothing wrong with that, and I totally commend her, I feel for her too-- and I also know that eventually her band will pull more weight for her. Unfortunately, what may have to happen is that she'll have to hit some sort of inevitable stall-- and then her asshat surgeon will take notice. This is really too bad.
Here is what I believe the band is/ and what it is for:
1) The band is a TOOL to help with weight loss (like a lighter, instead rubbing two sticks together- thx Sherry.)
2) At optimal fill level or restriction, the band patient feels a longer sense of satisfaction between meals that allows for less intake overall in the course of a day, thereby lowering overall calorie levels and causing 'painless' weight loss.
3) At optimal fill level or restriction, the band patient does wind up eating much smaller portions at each meal-- and there are a few reasons for this.
a. The opening down to the stomach is much smaller than in non-banded individuals, necessarily slowing eating.
b. There isn't very much room in the area of the top of the stomach (the 'pouch' created by the band) and that area will 'back up' causing regurgitation if eating is too fast and more than about 1 to 2 cups of food at the maximum.
3) The patient has behavioral conditioning at optimal fill level and learns many excellent eating habits that help with weight loss, such as: stopping before being too full, chewing eat bite carefully, eating slowly. All of these an more add to weight loss.
4) As weight loss mounts, most patients become more active, adding exercise and calorie burning and metabolism 'stoking' to the mix-- making for MORE weight loss and the cycle continues.
Hence: the patient is very involved in the process. It is not that the band is HAPPENING TO the patient, but the band is working for and with the patient who must participate.
Of course, patients can get around the band, as we all know. "Noshing" throughout the day overcomes much of what I've written about, and eating many of the foods known as 'sliders' (crumbly, fatty, creamy foods-- ice cream, cookies, chips) will stall weight loss.
So, we have to be 'in it.' But we don't have to be 'dieting' to succeed.
Cindylew-- eventually, you will get there-- and for anyone waiting on restriction-- you will get there too eventually. I just know it. Until then, do your best every day and trust that the band is there and if it isn't helping you know, it will help someday!!
I highly recommend this post to ANY bandster at whatever stage because anyone can get something out of it, in my opinion. To summarize Cindylew's perspective:
Cindy is losing weight and doing well with her band. The trouble is that her weight loss is the result of her white-knuckled willpower to stay at or under 1200 calories per day-- while truly struggling against the feeling of hunger that is not managed (by her description) very much by the band at all.
To make matters worse, Cindy has one of those shithead insensitive surgical practices where the surgeon seems to have forgotten that the whole purpose of the band is to take down the struggle and stop the madness in the weight loss war.
Instead, Cindy describes her experience of going and asking for fills as "feeling like a crackhead" or something like that-- like she is asking for a 'fix' of her drug, instead of a 'fill' which is the essential therapy of the band.
Ack. Good gracious. And fuck that stupid surgeon's practice. He and his group are clearly a bunch of retarded asshats and I am really mad for Cindy.
My surgeon, Dr. Christine Ren, while a human with imperfections (she took a long time to call me back on the day of my surgery when I was worried about what turned out to be bleeding from a heparin shot I had while anesthetized)... is truly skilled with POST-band management. Her entire practice is dedicated to helping patients succeed with the band-- and they don't stick to arbitrary nonsense about rules about when the right time to come for the next fill should be. They LISTEN to their patients and reassure them. They treat me like an individual when I am there-- and whenever I've gone in for a check-up, Dr. Ren asks questions about what's happening with my intake, my feelings of hunger and puts these together with my weight loss progress and comes up with the right amount of fill.
I can really trust her and the rest of the practice and that is wonderful.
Now, back to Cindylew.
The bottom line is that Cindylew is doing great-- but she's doing great the way we've all lost weight without the band in the past. Whilst there is nothing wrong with that, and I totally commend her, I feel for her too-- and I also know that eventually her band will pull more weight for her. Unfortunately, what may have to happen is that she'll have to hit some sort of inevitable stall-- and then her asshat surgeon will take notice. This is really too bad.
Here is what I believe the band is/ and what it is for:
1) The band is a TOOL to help with weight loss (like a lighter, instead rubbing two sticks together- thx Sherry.)
2) At optimal fill level or restriction, the band patient feels a longer sense of satisfaction between meals that allows for less intake overall in the course of a day, thereby lowering overall calorie levels and causing 'painless' weight loss.
3) At optimal fill level or restriction, the band patient does wind up eating much smaller portions at each meal-- and there are a few reasons for this.
a. The opening down to the stomach is much smaller than in non-banded individuals, necessarily slowing eating.
b. There isn't very much room in the area of the top of the stomach (the 'pouch' created by the band) and that area will 'back up' causing regurgitation if eating is too fast and more than about 1 to 2 cups of food at the maximum.
3) The patient has behavioral conditioning at optimal fill level and learns many excellent eating habits that help with weight loss, such as: stopping before being too full, chewing eat bite carefully, eating slowly. All of these an more add to weight loss.
4) As weight loss mounts, most patients become more active, adding exercise and calorie burning and metabolism 'stoking' to the mix-- making for MORE weight loss and the cycle continues.
Hence: the patient is very involved in the process. It is not that the band is HAPPENING TO the patient, but the band is working for and with the patient who must participate.
Of course, patients can get around the band, as we all know. "Noshing" throughout the day overcomes much of what I've written about, and eating many of the foods known as 'sliders' (crumbly, fatty, creamy foods-- ice cream, cookies, chips) will stall weight loss.
So, we have to be 'in it.' But we don't have to be 'dieting' to succeed.
Cindylew-- eventually, you will get there-- and for anyone waiting on restriction-- you will get there too eventually. I just know it. Until then, do your best every day and trust that the band is there and if it isn't helping you know, it will help someday!!
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Why I'll keep posting
I had the band on 1/4/10-- so I'm really not in much of a position to talk about what I might be doing a year out, or even 2 years or whatever.
But what I can tell you is that I feel pretty committed to the process of continuing to blog. Blogging has been such a supportive and enlightening process for me-- and it has been very grounding as well. There have been very few days where I haven't woken up and started my morning by taking a peek at blogger and hopefully putting a few words down of my own.
The danger of losing weight, becoming more comfortable, and losing the urgency of the *fat* is that I begin to feel as though I was "always this way" (as in thinner, healthier etc.) But the truth is that I've never ALWAYS been ANY way. My weight history is the classic yo-you diet war banana head craziness. You know it-- doncha? I'm not trying to suggest that I am satisfied with where I am right now (in terms of being finished losing.)
Everyone has their own point and goal that they want to get to-- and I have a long road to my arbitrary goal. In a way, I've set my sights SO high that I mean for there to always be a bit more for me to go to on the horizon-- and I'm hoping to never get overly comfortable where I am as a result. This remark makes perfect sense to me but I am not sure if I am making sense to you.
Here it is said in a different way:
Today I got on the scale and I was at 174.6.
The 174 mark is a meaningful milestone for me because that is the weight I was first week of my Jenny Craig Program in 2007.
That JC program was my last truly successful weight loss attempt prior to the band.
From 1/1/07 to 3/3/107-- I lost from an 'all time high' starting weight of 179 down to my lowest low for some time, 156ish. (Can't recall the exact low number-- because I started to get fuzzy with myself and play scale games at that time. Another post entirely!)
So: when I reached 174 in my first week of JC in 2007, it was the first sign of relief for me that I was getting back on track-- I knew I had a long way to go, and at the time, I wanted to get down to 136, I think. But I already felt better at 174, knowing that I was progressing and even feeling that I looked much better.
Fast forward to these days of being 174. I'm excited to keep going down the scale, just as I was back in JC days. But this time, I know I won't be losing 2 pounds a week, not even 1, if the past is the best predictor of the future for my weight loss this go-around. I'll be losing about 1/2 a pound a week (sorry to be such a broken record about this-- but it is just the truth.) That means that I have an easy 4 to 5 weeks left in the 170's-- and that is if some unexpected little plateau doesn't creep in or whatever. I'm down with it-- It is ALL GOOD.
My point is that I am in a much different and more patient and MORE CONFIDENT place on some levels than ever before. Even though I'd full on accept a magic pill that could make me 119 pounds tomorrow and keep me there for ever (provided that I didn't have to diet for the rest of my life, sacrifice anything, and would have the promise of looking good at that low weight)... in my heart of hearts, I am kind of happy and even peaceful and calmed by the fact that it will take me so goddamned long to lose my weight. It feels like safety to me.
Can anyone relate to this?
For the first time in my life, I'm losing weight SLOW. It is not a 'crash diet' by any means. I'm having tons of time to reaquaint myself with my body as I go 'down the scale.' It is neither harsh nor jarring. I have stayed in touch with me all along-- that's a really good thing.
And to bring it all full circle-- blogging is part of that and the contributions I give and I get are so important to my process. What I get: gentle accountability. I know you're out there-- I know somebody will read this today. Maybe s/he won't comment, b/c I sometimes don't comment, even when I read something great-- no time, nothing to say, etc.
What I give: hope for the future, hope for the band, a sample road-map, not for YOU, readers, but a sample of one band journey.
It's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say.
But what I can tell you is that I feel pretty committed to the process of continuing to blog. Blogging has been such a supportive and enlightening process for me-- and it has been very grounding as well. There have been very few days where I haven't woken up and started my morning by taking a peek at blogger and hopefully putting a few words down of my own.
The danger of losing weight, becoming more comfortable, and losing the urgency of the *fat* is that I begin to feel as though I was "always this way" (as in thinner, healthier etc.) But the truth is that I've never ALWAYS been ANY way. My weight history is the classic yo-you diet war banana head craziness. You know it-- doncha? I'm not trying to suggest that I am satisfied with where I am right now (in terms of being finished losing.)
Everyone has their own point and goal that they want to get to-- and I have a long road to my arbitrary goal. In a way, I've set my sights SO high that I mean for there to always be a bit more for me to go to on the horizon-- and I'm hoping to never get overly comfortable where I am as a result. This remark makes perfect sense to me but I am not sure if I am making sense to you.
Here it is said in a different way:
Today I got on the scale and I was at 174.6.
The 174 mark is a meaningful milestone for me because that is the weight I was first week of my Jenny Craig Program in 2007.
That JC program was my last truly successful weight loss attempt prior to the band.
From 1/1/07 to 3/3/107-- I lost from an 'all time high' starting weight of 179 down to my lowest low for some time, 156ish. (Can't recall the exact low number-- because I started to get fuzzy with myself and play scale games at that time. Another post entirely!)
So: when I reached 174 in my first week of JC in 2007, it was the first sign of relief for me that I was getting back on track-- I knew I had a long way to go, and at the time, I wanted to get down to 136, I think. But I already felt better at 174, knowing that I was progressing and even feeling that I looked much better.
Fast forward to these days of being 174. I'm excited to keep going down the scale, just as I was back in JC days. But this time, I know I won't be losing 2 pounds a week, not even 1, if the past is the best predictor of the future for my weight loss this go-around. I'll be losing about 1/2 a pound a week (sorry to be such a broken record about this-- but it is just the truth.) That means that I have an easy 4 to 5 weeks left in the 170's-- and that is if some unexpected little plateau doesn't creep in or whatever. I'm down with it-- It is ALL GOOD.
My point is that I am in a much different and more patient and MORE CONFIDENT place on some levels than ever before. Even though I'd full on accept a magic pill that could make me 119 pounds tomorrow and keep me there for ever (provided that I didn't have to diet for the rest of my life, sacrifice anything, and would have the promise of looking good at that low weight)... in my heart of hearts, I am kind of happy and even peaceful and calmed by the fact that it will take me so goddamned long to lose my weight. It feels like safety to me.
Can anyone relate to this?
For the first time in my life, I'm losing weight SLOW. It is not a 'crash diet' by any means. I'm having tons of time to reaquaint myself with my body as I go 'down the scale.' It is neither harsh nor jarring. I have stayed in touch with me all along-- that's a really good thing.
And to bring it all full circle-- blogging is part of that and the contributions I give and I get are so important to my process. What I get: gentle accountability. I know you're out there-- I know somebody will read this today. Maybe s/he won't comment, b/c I sometimes don't comment, even when I read something great-- no time, nothing to say, etc.
What I give: hope for the future, hope for the band, a sample road-map, not for YOU, readers, but a sample of one band journey.
It's a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Another (minor) new low and 'nut' comments
This morning I was at 174.2 and I didn't even get excited to see a new low-- I guess I am getting so confused by all of the numbers. Thank goodness I checked my blog today and noticed I have not been 174.2 (this time around. :-( )
Urgh. I've forgotten something a little scary and depressing-- I have been good at taking off weight in my life (although I found myself unable to take off weight in my later 30's which actually led me to the band after I'd tried everything else.) The problem has been in the KEEPING it off. I'm not going to get it all twisted and confused, but the fear of gaining the weight back is still in the back of my head at some level. I mean, I have such a long way to go to my ultimate goals that I'll be in 'weight loss mode' for at least another year and a half. So, no need to worry today, necessarily. And the big 'no need to worry' has to come from the fact that I'm not actively attempting to lower my weight with some arbitrary 'schedule of eating,' or 'plan of food combinations to keep hunger at bay' or any other diet crap bullshit that never worked.
Instead, I'm eating higher fat foods, less of them-- working to have balance in my diet in all ways (with yummy treats and good for me foods, fruits, veggies, proteins, dairy.) I'm eating less and mindfully and it's becoming habit-- there is no organized 'diet' here, except for the 'diet' that is my daily life.
I might have really judged myself for what I ate yesterday had I been 'dieting.' It wasn't the most banner eating day, let me try to reconstruct:
Coffee with milk/ early AM
Breakfast-- here is a picture:
This is a scrambled egg with shredded 2% cheddar, salsa and a scoop of guacamole. I had this around 10:30 am.
[Why do I have a picture-- b/c it is so yummy and I knew I'd want to talk to you guys about this yummy breakfast eventually!! Besides, I am keeping pictures of certain meals in my 'iphoto' library under 'Thincam'-- but that is a post for another day!!]
1pm ish-- about 1/2 cup shredded Spanish chicken (leftoevers from restaurant)
4pm ish-- 2 inch cube of cheddar cheese; nuts and raisins, a couple of small mini pretzel logs
6pm ish-- dinner: ~1 cup of homemade baked ziti with spinach
1 glass of wine
2 small homemade chocolate chip cookies.
See what I mean? NOT a banner day at all-- but a weekend day, and it happens. Pre-band-- I would have eaten triple the amount-- and I might not have stopped at 2 cookies. But I knew I could have more at any time if I wanted them... so I stopped because I didn't want to feel sick and I already felt pretty full from the day of eating. NOT a light bandster day.
Do I eat like this every day? No way. During the week, there may be days where my calories barely reach 1000 (I'm not actively counting) just because there is no time and I have no real desire to eat very much. So in the balance, my body is able to shed the excess weight.
Will I need to make some sacrifices to continue to lose weight as I get to lower weights? Infinitely possible. But for now: I'm enjoying the ride and I won't go back to dieting b/c I know it never works for me.
One last note on 'not dieting.' That doesn't mean, 'not caring' about what you eat. It is actually quite the opposite. Instead of fitting your eating to some planned out (arbitrary??) schedule and rules that someone else made for you-- you follow your needs and desires and pay attention and eat when you're hungry ONLY. You stop BEFORE you're really full in anticipation of 20 or so minutes later when you'll FEEL more full. And you take good care of your body with water drinking and gentle exercise (or heavy exercise if you feel like doing that.)
Just my thoughts.
As for the "nut" comments, I'm running out of time b/c I've got to go the place I go each day on weekdays... if you're new to my blog, I don't use words that can be easily googled about w* r k-- I try to remain basically anon. relative to my c*re er.
But suffice it to say: I believe that bariatric nutritionists really out to have been fat themselves-- maybe even bariatric patients. I was listening to the radio and hear the most condescending 'nut' speaking about "GREAT THINGS TO DRINK THAT I LOVE!!!"
WATER.
Um, lady. DUH. Really, are you really telling us diet warriors that WATER is the best drink for losing weight. Whom do you think you are talking to, a bunch of morons?? Puhleeze. and Barf.
Urgh. I've forgotten something a little scary and depressing-- I have been good at taking off weight in my life (although I found myself unable to take off weight in my later 30's which actually led me to the band after I'd tried everything else.) The problem has been in the KEEPING it off. I'm not going to get it all twisted and confused, but the fear of gaining the weight back is still in the back of my head at some level. I mean, I have such a long way to go to my ultimate goals that I'll be in 'weight loss mode' for at least another year and a half. So, no need to worry today, necessarily. And the big 'no need to worry' has to come from the fact that I'm not actively attempting to lower my weight with some arbitrary 'schedule of eating,' or 'plan of food combinations to keep hunger at bay' or any other diet crap bullshit that never worked.
Instead, I'm eating higher fat foods, less of them-- working to have balance in my diet in all ways (with yummy treats and good for me foods, fruits, veggies, proteins, dairy.) I'm eating less and mindfully and it's becoming habit-- there is no organized 'diet' here, except for the 'diet' that is my daily life.
I might have really judged myself for what I ate yesterday had I been 'dieting.' It wasn't the most banner eating day, let me try to reconstruct:
Coffee with milk/ early AM
Breakfast-- here is a picture:
[Why do I have a picture-- b/c it is so yummy and I knew I'd want to talk to you guys about this yummy breakfast eventually!! Besides, I am keeping pictures of certain meals in my 'iphoto' library under 'Thincam'-- but that is a post for another day!!]
1pm ish-- about 1/2 cup shredded Spanish chicken (leftoevers from restaurant)
4pm ish-- 2 inch cube of cheddar cheese; nuts and raisins, a couple of small mini pretzel logs
6pm ish-- dinner: ~1 cup of homemade baked ziti with spinach
1 glass of wine
2 small homemade chocolate chip cookies.
See what I mean? NOT a banner day at all-- but a weekend day, and it happens. Pre-band-- I would have eaten triple the amount-- and I might not have stopped at 2 cookies. But I knew I could have more at any time if I wanted them... so I stopped because I didn't want to feel sick and I already felt pretty full from the day of eating. NOT a light bandster day.
Do I eat like this every day? No way. During the week, there may be days where my calories barely reach 1000 (I'm not actively counting) just because there is no time and I have no real desire to eat very much. So in the balance, my body is able to shed the excess weight.
Will I need to make some sacrifices to continue to lose weight as I get to lower weights? Infinitely possible. But for now: I'm enjoying the ride and I won't go back to dieting b/c I know it never works for me.
One last note on 'not dieting.' That doesn't mean, 'not caring' about what you eat. It is actually quite the opposite. Instead of fitting your eating to some planned out (arbitrary??) schedule and rules that someone else made for you-- you follow your needs and desires and pay attention and eat when you're hungry ONLY. You stop BEFORE you're really full in anticipation of 20 or so minutes later when you'll FEEL more full. And you take good care of your body with water drinking and gentle exercise (or heavy exercise if you feel like doing that.)
Just my thoughts.
As for the "nut" comments, I'm running out of time b/c I've got to go the place I go each day on weekdays... if you're new to my blog, I don't use words that can be easily googled about w* r k-- I try to remain basically anon. relative to my c*re er.
But suffice it to say: I believe that bariatric nutritionists really out to have been fat themselves-- maybe even bariatric patients. I was listening to the radio and hear the most condescending 'nut' speaking about "GREAT THINGS TO DRINK THAT I LOVE!!!"
WATER.
Um, lady. DUH. Really, are you really telling us diet warriors that WATER is the best drink for losing weight. Whom do you think you are talking to, a bunch of morons?? Puhleeze. and Barf.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)