good ole ticker...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
AZ Greetings
We even went swimming yesterday afternoon and hit the hot tub too.
The resort is great and we're having a relaxing time.
I'm holding a 'Tequini' drink- yes: drinking in the afternoon, somewhere it is after 4pm or whenever you should start drinking!
Tonight, hubs and I are going to a Tapas type place: Crush at Christopher's.... My 'rents are babysitting, which is great.
Hopefully you'll be seeing more pictures!
Ciao- DL
Friday, February 25, 2011
One more day 'til AZ
With one more day until we leave for AZ, I am not really feeling terrible optimistic that I'll be in the 150's when I leave.
This am: 162.7.
There is no real mystery here-- and I'm actually looking forward to a vacation to flesh out / fix up my eating, if anything.
Lately: during the week has been had its ups and downs, and I find myself eating virtually nothing during the day, coming home hungry and then having difficulty eating the nice, healthy dinner that's available (most of the time, salad and protein.) I also usually have a glass of wine.
So I do my best, get a tiny portion in, feel frustrated, then eat some cheese (most days) and finish up the day with something sweet. I imagine this is what has stalled me at the scale... in order to lose weight: I have to stay under 1200 calories a day. At that level-- the weight literally comes right off, but when I top over that number with any regularity: stall time.
I've learned that cookies are my absolute downfall-- and I pretty much need to stop eating them (or buying them) at all costs-- I believe the same goes with brownies. I do much better with keeping chocolate candy around-- I don't go ape shit with that stuff.
So yes: band haters out there-- if you happen to be reading this, you can gloat and say what a bad person I am to eat cookies and chocolate with a band, and how dare I even waste this wonderful gift? blah blah.
Whatever, yo. Get out of here.
To the rest of my band sympathizers-- I know you all know what I am going through. But that doesn't mean that it isn't change worthy to get the scale moving again, and to also maximize my health.
Here are the positives about going away on vacation in terms of diet/ exercise:
1) I anticipate that I will be much more active, include hiking up Camelback Mountain (my husband lovingly calls it "Cameltoe Mountain"-- how endearing. ha ha.)
2) I have the ability to be more present and in the moment of what I am eating, and there will be fresh fruit, my mom has been raving about the strawberries from her local market there.
Here are the downsides:
1) Meals seem somewhat more obligatory during vacations-- this is not best for a bandster like me. I skip meals often. So, if I am confronted with the need to sit down at a meal at B, L, and D-- it may be more of a challenge.
My thought on this will be that B= coffee and perhaps a poached egg, if I decide on that.
L= free for all-- I can focus on drinking water and maybe salad/ protein
D= the usual meal I eat-- so I will have to just decide what I want to eat and try to be careful.
In the ideal sense: I could conceivably come home with a loss on the scale, which would be WONDERFUL-- and I am going to keep my eyes on that prize.
Winning techniques to do that:
-- Drink a ton of water!!
-- Try to journal what I eat, I kind of hate to do this, but it does promote great accountability
-- Don't be depriving, allow myself a bite of this or that, instead of white knuckling things. A bite of cake is much better than 10 cookies that I eat because I feel deprived about missing the cake!
-- Don't allow vacation mentality and family eating get the better of me: I DON'T have to eat just because everyone else is eating. I can just get a drink, or a salad, and kind of push that around on a plate if I wish.
*This does not equal eating disorder, either. To the uneducated reader, it might sound like some sort of game I'm playing-- but the honest truth here is that I really cannot eat a whole lot at a sitting, and sometimes that does make me feel stressed that people are watching me or whatever.
But even if they are: the point is to keep with trying to eat healthy foods, keep the portions small, and allow myself to enjoy myself as well.
If you don't see me again before my vacay-- I will be away until NEXT Saturday, until then: have a wonderful week and enjoy life!
This am: 162.7.
There is no real mystery here-- and I'm actually looking forward to a vacation to flesh out / fix up my eating, if anything.
Lately: during the week has been had its ups and downs, and I find myself eating virtually nothing during the day, coming home hungry and then having difficulty eating the nice, healthy dinner that's available (most of the time, salad and protein.) I also usually have a glass of wine.
So I do my best, get a tiny portion in, feel frustrated, then eat some cheese (most days) and finish up the day with something sweet. I imagine this is what has stalled me at the scale... in order to lose weight: I have to stay under 1200 calories a day. At that level-- the weight literally comes right off, but when I top over that number with any regularity: stall time.
I've learned that cookies are my absolute downfall-- and I pretty much need to stop eating them (or buying them) at all costs-- I believe the same goes with brownies. I do much better with keeping chocolate candy around-- I don't go ape shit with that stuff.
So yes: band haters out there-- if you happen to be reading this, you can gloat and say what a bad person I am to eat cookies and chocolate with a band, and how dare I even waste this wonderful gift? blah blah.
Whatever, yo. Get out of here.
To the rest of my band sympathizers-- I know you all know what I am going through. But that doesn't mean that it isn't change worthy to get the scale moving again, and to also maximize my health.
Here are the positives about going away on vacation in terms of diet/ exercise:
1) I anticipate that I will be much more active, include hiking up Camelback Mountain (my husband lovingly calls it "Cameltoe Mountain"-- how endearing. ha ha.)
2) I have the ability to be more present and in the moment of what I am eating, and there will be fresh fruit, my mom has been raving about the strawberries from her local market there.
Here are the downsides:
1) Meals seem somewhat more obligatory during vacations-- this is not best for a bandster like me. I skip meals often. So, if I am confronted with the need to sit down at a meal at B, L, and D-- it may be more of a challenge.
My thought on this will be that B= coffee and perhaps a poached egg, if I decide on that.
L= free for all-- I can focus on drinking water and maybe salad/ protein
D= the usual meal I eat-- so I will have to just decide what I want to eat and try to be careful.
In the ideal sense: I could conceivably come home with a loss on the scale, which would be WONDERFUL-- and I am going to keep my eyes on that prize.
Winning techniques to do that:
-- Drink a ton of water!!
-- Try to journal what I eat, I kind of hate to do this, but it does promote great accountability
-- Don't be depriving, allow myself a bite of this or that, instead of white knuckling things. A bite of cake is much better than 10 cookies that I eat because I feel deprived about missing the cake!
-- Don't allow vacation mentality and family eating get the better of me: I DON'T have to eat just because everyone else is eating. I can just get a drink, or a salad, and kind of push that around on a plate if I wish.
*This does not equal eating disorder, either. To the uneducated reader, it might sound like some sort of game I'm playing-- but the honest truth here is that I really cannot eat a whole lot at a sitting, and sometimes that does make me feel stressed that people are watching me or whatever.
But even if they are: the point is to keep with trying to eat healthy foods, keep the portions small, and allow myself to enjoy myself as well.
If you don't see me again before my vacay-- I will be away until NEXT Saturday, until then: have a wonderful week and enjoy life!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
New low syndrome 2.0
This morning: 163.3-- and see the pictures: TIGHT pants!
Not because I've really gained any weight-- I'm sure that I'm retaining water by the fit of my rings and I am not in denial, honestly (at least I hope not...)
No: the tight pants are part of what I will dub "New Low Syndrome 2.0"-- in which some newly somewhat skinny-fied individual (ahem: me) decides to alter ALL of her suit pants within an inch of her life.
My pants are tight in the waist, yo!
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a major advocate of tailoring one's clothes to a great fit, and just by the outline of these pictures-- I look pretty good (to myself, anyway.) But my newly shrunken waist (which measures in at @27.5 inches if I pull the measuring tape tightly now has pants that fit it 'just so.'
I'm not used to this feeling-- as waists of pants almost are always far too big, because I have to buy larger to accommodate my hips (presently in the 41 inch range.)
And when I was heavier, I didn't go to the tailor to fix these oddities, I was just happy to have pants that fit, since it was so damn hard to find them in the first place. (It's actually NOT that much easier now, to be honest, I kind of hate shopping, still, unless I am really in the zone and focused...
Catherine: will this change when I am (hopefully) at your weight? I certainly hope so!)
But I've digressed, as I so enjoy doing.
What I'm trying to say is that I took my clothes in to the tailor the weekend before last, and she shored up all of my waistlines, and asked me 'how tight' did I want them-- and I said I wanted them snug, because I intend to lose more weight. This is also after we'd already taken in each of the pairs of pants one time already (and one pair was getting its third round... see how much I hate shopping?)
Now I am a bit scared-- because after seeing 160 point whatever the other day, I also went into the inevitable food fest that is known to me as "New Low Syndrome." All of you are so helpful and supportive-- and I am trying to hear your words in my head: that I know how to modulate myself, that I am really tuned in, that I ebb and flow in this weight loss journey-- and even one person called me an INSPIRATION!! Thank you!!!
But it is still scary, every time I let go a little, I see the scale swing back upwards (albeit lower than it was in the past...) and then I need to gradually crawl my way back to a better place and move on.
Why lose faith now? I don't know-- I am just scared that somehow I will get stuck HERE in the low 160's forever. Isn't that stupidly ridiculous?
I'll answer that myself: I guess it is. I mean: I'll grant myself the fear of failure because I have never been as successful at losing weight as I have been in the past 14 months... but I have no real reason to think that I won't move on and keep on losing. I might need to do more MAJOR adjustments, including a return to the surgeon's office for a literal adjustment, if I don't see the scale moving again-- but I'm on it, aren't I?
I hate being so insecure.
However: I am on a mission to accept myself with more grace... and on some level, I think it is working. Have any of you noticed that when you accept yourself better, it is easier to be easier on others too? My during the week thing is going alright at the moment, and that is not to say that I have changed my overall view on what to do next, but I also just feel less angry.
Perhaps it is that I am about to go on a week long v*a*cation!! Yes!!
Whatever the case may be: I'll say that it is, once again, another time to reign things in a bit-- get serious about taking off more weight and move ahead. The timing is a bit funky with going away for a week, but I think I can manage it. I'll have time for daily exercise when on vacay, so that's terrific.
In the meantime: here I am in my tight suit pants, with a very good reminder of how I wanted to lose more weight. These too shall loosen up, and this too shall pass.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
On winning the lottery
Clearly, the fact that I am about to make this post is proof enough that I will never win the lotttery-- and the various fantasies that my hubs and I come up with will never (in all likelihood) come true.
But it is an interesting thought to go with... what would I do if I won the lottery? How would my life change?
For me: the thing that immediately springs to my mind is that I'd have my freedom. Below is a definition that I scooped off of the internets (I love to call it that-- or interwebs...) of the word Freedom:
Freedom:
Noun
Yeah: there it is in all it's glory: Freedom-- from restraint of speech or action, from obligations, frankness of manner, the ability to determine action without external control, interference or regulation... and that is truly my heart's desire.
As all road's do: this one leads back to my weight as well. Can I possibly draw a this together with my weight? Yes I can. Before I got the lap band, and before I had any serious hope of ever permanently getting my weight under control-- my first lottery wish would always have been related to how I would set my weight right. (Via diet/ exercise/ fat camp, whatever.)
But now the way is cleared for real hopes and dreams-- and when hubs asked me about what I'd want to do if we won the lottery (we did buy a ticket to Megamillions today)-- I told him that I'd stop doing what I do each day during the week right now, take a long break, and just 'be.' That would mean 'being' a mom, a wife, a home-owner, a recreational 'chef,' Tae Kwon Do pursuer...
Ah, freedom.
I don't mean to imply or be insensitive that I am a 'slave' in actual fact (being that it happens to be Black History Month and slavery was a very real issue in our American history)
But in many ways: I do feel enslaved or like an indentured servant based on the proceedings in my week-day life.
So back to winning the lottery: I would stop going to the place I go with a fair amount of immediacy-- and with 'nothing left to lose' relative to those who are in roles ahead of my own: if there was any misbehavior, my notice period would just shorten up. Remember: people leave b*ss*es, not bleeps. (Figure that one out, my dear Sherlock Holmes fans.)
The rest is just gravy-- and I feel very satisfied about that. I don't need or want any physical possessions-- I don't feel the need to change much of anything-- just to regain my freedom. It's a nice and satisfying realization that I have everything I want...
One of my favorite Roald Dahl quotes is from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,"
Willy Wonka asks Charlie: "Do you know what happened to the boy who had all of his dreams come true?"
Charlie: "...no."
Willy Wonka: "He lived happily ever after.
Oh! I love that. It is sweet and so appropriate.
If you've never had the pleasure of reading "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" by Roald Dahn: I highly recommend it for any age.
But it is an interesting thought to go with... what would I do if I won the lottery? How would my life change?
For me: the thing that immediately springs to my mind is that I'd have my freedom. Below is a definition that I scooped off of the internets (I love to call it that-- or interwebs...) of the word Freedom:
Freedom:
Noun
1.
the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedom after a retrial.
2.
exemption from external control, interference, regulation,etc.
3.
the power to determine action without restraint.
4.
political or national independence.
7.
the absence of or release from ties, obligations, etc.
8.
ease or facility of movement or action: to enjoy the freedomof living in the country.
9.
frankness of manner or speech.
10.
general exemption or immunity: freedom from taxation.
Yeah: there it is in all it's glory: Freedom-- from restraint of speech or action, from obligations, frankness of manner, the ability to determine action without external control, interference or regulation... and that is truly my heart's desire.
As all road's do: this one leads back to my weight as well. Can I possibly draw a this together with my weight? Yes I can. Before I got the lap band, and before I had any serious hope of ever permanently getting my weight under control-- my first lottery wish would always have been related to how I would set my weight right. (Via diet/ exercise/ fat camp, whatever.)
But now the way is cleared for real hopes and dreams-- and when hubs asked me about what I'd want to do if we won the lottery (we did buy a ticket to Megamillions today)-- I told him that I'd stop doing what I do each day during the week right now, take a long break, and just 'be.' That would mean 'being' a mom, a wife, a home-owner, a recreational 'chef,' Tae Kwon Do pursuer...
Ah, freedom.
I don't mean to imply or be insensitive that I am a 'slave' in actual fact (being that it happens to be Black History Month and slavery was a very real issue in our American history)
But in many ways: I do feel enslaved or like an indentured servant based on the proceedings in my week-day life.
So back to winning the lottery: I would stop going to the place I go with a fair amount of immediacy-- and with 'nothing left to lose' relative to those who are in roles ahead of my own: if there was any misbehavior, my notice period would just shorten up. Remember: people leave b*ss*es, not bleeps. (Figure that one out, my dear Sherlock Holmes fans.)
The rest is just gravy-- and I feel very satisfied about that. I don't need or want any physical possessions-- I don't feel the need to change much of anything-- just to regain my freedom. It's a nice and satisfying realization that I have everything I want...
One of my favorite Roald Dahl quotes is from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,"
Willy Wonka asks Charlie: "Do you know what happened to the boy who had all of his dreams come true?"
Charlie: "...no."
Willy Wonka: "He lived happily ever after.
Oh! I love that. It is sweet and so appropriate.
If you've never had the pleasure of reading "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" by Roald Dahn: I highly recommend it for any age.
A primer on how I'd like people to note my weight loss
I get many of my blog ideas from reading your posts, if you don't already know that. I was over reading at Read's blog and she was commenting that it was annoying that more people haven't seemed to notice her significant weight loss.
I totally get this-- and I actually worried about what sort of comments I would get once I lost weight. But low and behold, I lost weight but changed my weekday place I go halfway through my first year-- so when I got to the new place, I was about 15 pounds more than I am now. I have had 1 person make note of my weight loss, but that's it.
As for places where people know me, but aren't my closest friends, like at my Doh Jong (Tae Kwon Do gym)-- which is like a community center-- no one has said much about my significant weight loss until recently. If I consider that my all-time highest weight (right after my last supper binge-ing in Jamaica in December 2009) was 203-- I am down over 40 pounds. Wow.
Just last week, since I got my new and better fitting "Gi" (note to self: wearing gigantic clothes is not flattering-- think form fitting to be flattering!!)-- one of the women who is around my age commented to my husband that I look good and that she noticed that I'd lost weight. NOT to me, but to my husband, for fear of being insulting. Our instructor at the gym told my husband, "DL is swimming in her Gi..." when my hubs picked out a smaller size-- but he didn't refer directly to the weight loss.
So: you see-- people may well notice but not say anything for fear of being rude!
That being said, and having been on a successful weight loss journey for over a year now, here is some unsolicited advice that I have about keeping on track:
1) Your weight loss is really about YOU and no one else, it just can't be about what other people are going to say, and if it is, you're going to feel disappointed because you're giving out your power and happiness to others who can't possibly know what you need to hear.
2) I know that some people focus on looking better as a goal-- but for me: I have what I'd term "reverse anorexia" or simply put: denial.
I feel like I'm looking good at whatever weight I'm at because I am confident in my appearance in many ways.
So, for me*-- I have to count on the BMI numbers to keep my on the straight and narrow.
As I'm getting closer to a 'normal' BMI, I have that 24.9 BMI in my sights and will be aiming there as a hard target.
Normal BMI.
Normal BMI.
Normal BMI.
That's what I want.
And: then, I won't be satisfied there either, I'd really like to get to my all-time lowest weight (at least that's what I think right now.)
And: as long as I'm in the normal BMI range, I'm going to allow myself to explore the lower weight ranges if I get there.
Make sense?
3) Enjoy as much of the weight loss journey as possible. You're changing for the better every day!
4) Keep your clothes fitting a snug as possible-- get to know a tailor. I've had the same sets of suit pants taken in twice now. I'm back to SNUG slacks (which is my problem area) and it is motivating.
*Disclaimer: the above are MY OPINIONS and not meant to dictate any one else's feelings or journey-- do whatever works for you!
I totally get this-- and I actually worried about what sort of comments I would get once I lost weight. But low and behold, I lost weight but changed my weekday place I go halfway through my first year-- so when I got to the new place, I was about 15 pounds more than I am now. I have had 1 person make note of my weight loss, but that's it.
As for places where people know me, but aren't my closest friends, like at my Doh Jong (Tae Kwon Do gym)-- which is like a community center-- no one has said much about my significant weight loss until recently. If I consider that my all-time highest weight (right after my last supper binge-ing in Jamaica in December 2009) was 203-- I am down over 40 pounds. Wow.
Just last week, since I got my new and better fitting "Gi" (note to self: wearing gigantic clothes is not flattering-- think form fitting to be flattering!!)-- one of the women who is around my age commented to my husband that I look good and that she noticed that I'd lost weight. NOT to me, but to my husband, for fear of being insulting. Our instructor at the gym told my husband, "DL is swimming in her Gi..." when my hubs picked out a smaller size-- but he didn't refer directly to the weight loss.
So: you see-- people may well notice but not say anything for fear of being rude!
That being said, and having been on a successful weight loss journey for over a year now, here is some unsolicited advice that I have about keeping on track:
1) Your weight loss is really about YOU and no one else, it just can't be about what other people are going to say, and if it is, you're going to feel disappointed because you're giving out your power and happiness to others who can't possibly know what you need to hear.
2) I know that some people focus on looking better as a goal-- but for me: I have what I'd term "reverse anorexia" or simply put: denial.
I feel like I'm looking good at whatever weight I'm at because I am confident in my appearance in many ways.
So, for me*-- I have to count on the BMI numbers to keep my on the straight and narrow.
As I'm getting closer to a 'normal' BMI, I have that 24.9 BMI in my sights and will be aiming there as a hard target.
Normal BMI.
Normal BMI.
Normal BMI.
That's what I want.
And: then, I won't be satisfied there either, I'd really like to get to my all-time lowest weight (at least that's what I think right now.)
And: as long as I'm in the normal BMI range, I'm going to allow myself to explore the lower weight ranges if I get there.
Make sense?
3) Enjoy as much of the weight loss journey as possible. You're changing for the better every day!
4) Keep your clothes fitting a snug as possible-- get to know a tailor. I've had the same sets of suit pants taken in twice now. I'm back to SNUG slacks (which is my problem area) and it is motivating.
*Disclaimer: the above are MY OPINIONS and not meant to dictate any one else's feelings or journey-- do whatever works for you!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Your weight is not who you are and being overweight has no bearing on whether or not you are a good or bad person
Your weight is not who you are.
There are good fat people and bad fat people; there are good skinny people and bad skinny people.
The amount that they weigh has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
When you get on the scale in your home, at the gym or in the doctor's office: you are not about to stand trial before a jury of your peers (except the one in your head.) Whether or not you ate a whole plate of pasta or a vat of cookie dough yesterday or nothing but water: your intake does not define you as a person either.
Don't you think that so many people (me included) have that twisted in their heads?
Why do we pass such judgment on ourselves when we are overweight?
Why is being "fat" such an ugly thing to be in our minds?
The answer is so complex, I'll never be able to address it in this blog, but I felt compelled to put this to paper after reading some recent blogs and after thinking about how self-critical I am .
I KNOW that I make value judgments about myself in terms of whether I am thinner or fatter, but this really is something that I'd like to overcome. Perhaps my weight loss over time will help me out of that particular connundrum. I really am exactly the same person I was so many pounds ago. I just feel better about myself and my choices.
I am much less of an overeater-- that is for sure. But does having a hearty appetite make me a criminal?
I simply cannot put away anywhere near what I used to be able to eat-- and, if I'm telling the truth, at some times, it gives me almost a 'superior' feeling to the former me.
Like: "I'm no longer such a pig."
But then I remember that I am dependent on an implant that keeps me in check and has behaviorally taught me the bad consequences of overeating-- so I just don't go there anymore. So how can I be superior at all?
It is so freaking confusing, but I do want to say-- once again for good measure-- I am no less or more of a good person for my weight.
I look different (and better,) and I can wear smaller sizes, and I feel like no one would notice my weight as 'abnormal' in any way-- but my personality has not changed an iota.
I am still stubborn, tender, sensitive, impatient, have a short temper, loving, caring, sometimes selfish, a lover of being alone and having my alone time, hyper-analytical, neurotic etc etc.
I am a million things. My weight just isn't one of those that describes anything else about me than the number on the scale.
It's nice that I wrote that-- I hope one day I'll totally believe it.
There are good fat people and bad fat people; there are good skinny people and bad skinny people.
The amount that they weigh has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
When you get on the scale in your home, at the gym or in the doctor's office: you are not about to stand trial before a jury of your peers (except the one in your head.) Whether or not you ate a whole plate of pasta or a vat of cookie dough yesterday or nothing but water: your intake does not define you as a person either.
Don't you think that so many people (me included) have that twisted in their heads?
Why do we pass such judgment on ourselves when we are overweight?
Why is being "fat" such an ugly thing to be in our minds?
The answer is so complex, I'll never be able to address it in this blog, but I felt compelled to put this to paper after reading some recent blogs and after thinking about how self-critical I am .
I KNOW that I make value judgments about myself in terms of whether I am thinner or fatter, but this really is something that I'd like to overcome. Perhaps my weight loss over time will help me out of that particular connundrum. I really am exactly the same person I was so many pounds ago. I just feel better about myself and my choices.
I am much less of an overeater-- that is for sure. But does having a hearty appetite make me a criminal?
I simply cannot put away anywhere near what I used to be able to eat-- and, if I'm telling the truth, at some times, it gives me almost a 'superior' feeling to the former me.
Like: "I'm no longer such a pig."
But then I remember that I am dependent on an implant that keeps me in check and has behaviorally taught me the bad consequences of overeating-- so I just don't go there anymore. So how can I be superior at all?
It is so freaking confusing, but I do want to say-- once again for good measure-- I am no less or more of a good person for my weight.
I look different (and better,) and I can wear smaller sizes, and I feel like no one would notice my weight as 'abnormal' in any way-- but my personality has not changed an iota.
I am still stubborn, tender, sensitive, impatient, have a short temper, loving, caring, sometimes selfish, a lover of being alone and having my alone time, hyper-analytical, neurotic etc etc.
I am a million things. My weight just isn't one of those that describes anything else about me than the number on the scale.
It's nice that I wrote that-- I hope one day I'll totally believe it.
Keeping it going...
Today I barely ate anything, it was one of those days that was really busy and then I didn't feel like eating. I was SO hungry late in the day (on my way home, arriving at about 7pm)-- we ordered in sushi, and I probably had about 1/2 cup of food total. That's all I can have before it is simply too much and causes an esophageal traffic jam.
I admit: after dinner- I had chocolate chip cookies... I felt defensive about it and told my husband, "Yes I know I am eating cookies, even though I didn't finish my dinner. They are just easier to eat. Wah."
This is the truth.
It conceivably might be good for me to have a slight unfill-- except, I am doing really well weight loss wise and I'm really wanting to ride out the tightness that makes eating a lot impossible. To a large extent, I feel my band is totally at work in the way it should be.
I am not hungry MUCH of the time.
Trouble is that when I get hungry, I can't eat very much at all-- and I would opt for easier food or drinks (I am drinking a lot of coffee, some tea, and I like my mushy-er foods...) This is just frustrating-- but the results at the scale are amazing.
No pain, no gain?
I don't mean actual pain, I mean effort. See: nothing is for 'free'-- and that is what the WLS haters simply don't get. WLS isn't an easy way out-- it is a WAY out. With the band, which is just restrictive and doesn't interfere with absorption-- the patient's work with the band is essential. I could go back to the doc and ask for an unfill, and maybe the ideal level is less filled than I am-- but I am also finding that the restriction that I'm at is really working for me. Is it frustrating sometimes: absolutely.
But do I know that I've made this pact with the devil (some days, it feels like that a bit) -- yes. I went into it as knowingly as I could.
And I'm getting thinner by the day. Today, when I got home from work, I hopped on the scale: 160.9.
How can I complain?
It is a constant process of figuring it all out-- and honestly: because of the level of restriction that I'm at, my behavioral approach is to watch and adjust frequently. I try to get in fruit, salad, and protein-- but this all is in small quantities. And I'm not going to lie: I eat my share of sweets and I have 1 drink most days of the week (that's it! I'm scared of any escalating drinking...)
My go to foods right now are VERY mushy/ slide-y: cheese, coffee, cream of wheat, protein bars, guacamole, SALAD w/ dressing, sashimi- I have a fave dish that is essentially a version of tuna tartar w/ avocado, diced fruit (you know, like in the school packages).. and for dessert/ extras: cookies, chocolate, wine, martinis.
I'm afraid I'm going to be in trouble or get yelled at. Are you mad at me for what I am saying? God, I'm a guilty person...
Today, I had my esophagram-- which I can only assume was normal because it took 20 seconds.
The e-gram is where you drink barrium while a radiologist watches you on xray to see the band at work.
You stand on a platform, turned slightly to the left, the radiologist tells you to 'drink that cup of barrium as fast as you can (ha ha to a band patient)'-- and I gingerly began sipping, because I don't gulp anything down.
2 sips and 20 seconds later: "OK, you're done!"
Next, I went to the breast doc and found out I'll need to go for a mammogram and a follow up breast MRI -- setting that up for April 15th. Can't hardly wait (ha ha.) This is 'routine' screening for someone with my risk factors, and my breast doc wants me to go for the 6 month follow up MRI because the radiologist (different from the one above!) said she wanted a repeat because of the 'enhancements' seen on my last MRI. However: what keeps me sane is that my MRI hasn't changed in several years.
Another thing that keeps me sane: I guess it would be best to find out about any breast cancer growing as early as possible- so I'm fortunate to have testing every 6 months.
It just gets me tense, but I am trying to FORGET IT for now. I'll get a bit more worried on the day of, but I'll try to go through it with 'grace' as I have done in the past (that's my word for going through the tests NOT like a pyscho anxious maniac as I have done in previous years.)
That's all folks.
I admit: after dinner- I had chocolate chip cookies... I felt defensive about it and told my husband, "Yes I know I am eating cookies, even though I didn't finish my dinner. They are just easier to eat. Wah."
This is the truth.
It conceivably might be good for me to have a slight unfill-- except, I am doing really well weight loss wise and I'm really wanting to ride out the tightness that makes eating a lot impossible. To a large extent, I feel my band is totally at work in the way it should be.
I am not hungry MUCH of the time.
Trouble is that when I get hungry, I can't eat very much at all-- and I would opt for easier food or drinks (I am drinking a lot of coffee, some tea, and I like my mushy-er foods...) This is just frustrating-- but the results at the scale are amazing.
No pain, no gain?
I don't mean actual pain, I mean effort. See: nothing is for 'free'-- and that is what the WLS haters simply don't get. WLS isn't an easy way out-- it is a WAY out. With the band, which is just restrictive and doesn't interfere with absorption-- the patient's work with the band is essential. I could go back to the doc and ask for an unfill, and maybe the ideal level is less filled than I am-- but I am also finding that the restriction that I'm at is really working for me. Is it frustrating sometimes: absolutely.
But do I know that I've made this pact with the devil (some days, it feels like that a bit) -- yes. I went into it as knowingly as I could.
And I'm getting thinner by the day. Today, when I got home from work, I hopped on the scale: 160.9.
How can I complain?
It is a constant process of figuring it all out-- and honestly: because of the level of restriction that I'm at, my behavioral approach is to watch and adjust frequently. I try to get in fruit, salad, and protein-- but this all is in small quantities. And I'm not going to lie: I eat my share of sweets and I have 1 drink most days of the week (that's it! I'm scared of any escalating drinking...)
My go to foods right now are VERY mushy/ slide-y: cheese, coffee, cream of wheat, protein bars, guacamole, SALAD w/ dressing, sashimi- I have a fave dish that is essentially a version of tuna tartar w/ avocado, diced fruit (you know, like in the school packages).. and for dessert/ extras: cookies, chocolate, wine, martinis.
I'm afraid I'm going to be in trouble or get yelled at. Are you mad at me for what I am saying? God, I'm a guilty person...
Today, I had my esophagram-- which I can only assume was normal because it took 20 seconds.
The e-gram is where you drink barrium while a radiologist watches you on xray to see the band at work.
You stand on a platform, turned slightly to the left, the radiologist tells you to 'drink that cup of barrium as fast as you can (ha ha to a band patient)'-- and I gingerly began sipping, because I don't gulp anything down.
2 sips and 20 seconds later: "OK, you're done!"
Next, I went to the breast doc and found out I'll need to go for a mammogram and a follow up breast MRI -- setting that up for April 15th. Can't hardly wait (ha ha.) This is 'routine' screening for someone with my risk factors, and my breast doc wants me to go for the 6 month follow up MRI because the radiologist (different from the one above!) said she wanted a repeat because of the 'enhancements' seen on my last MRI. However: what keeps me sane is that my MRI hasn't changed in several years.
Another thing that keeps me sane: I guess it would be best to find out about any breast cancer growing as early as possible- so I'm fortunate to have testing every 6 months.
It just gets me tense, but I am trying to FORGET IT for now. I'll get a bit more worried on the day of, but I'll try to go through it with 'grace' as I have done in the past (that's my word for going through the tests NOT like a pyscho anxious maniac as I have done in previous years.)
That's all folks.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A new low-- and fuzzy socks
I had such a long day yesterday that it is hard for me to post much of anything... but I wanted to share the latest success. Hope you are all doing well.
Back to post because I am watching the Dr. Phil show on my DVR-- and I am fascinated by watching the horrendous train wreck that is the "Dr. Phil Family." Do you know this show at all?
[Yes: I just admitted my guilty pleasure: afternoon talk shows (Oprah, Dr. Phil, and I even DVR 'The Talk'-- which is a busted up version of 'The View.')]
Anyway: I cannot believe what has gone on with this family from Florida. It started with a teen pregnancy for Alexandra (Alex) -- and has blown up into her having 3 fathers of her 3 children, one quick marriage and break up and a very bad car accident in 2008 that has now resulted in her being addicted to pain medication. Of course: Alex won't admit the addiction, which also really baffles me. If you get a chance to see these shows, I think they are really interesting.
And a little more: don't you find that as you lose more weight, the bar keeps moving?
Now: that I am getting closer to the 150's-- the 160's aren't good enough, and I'm still feeling dissatisfied on some level.
I will continue to try to keep focused on my first big goal of getting to a normal BMI. That is a quantitative goal-- no judgments about whether I'm a good or bad person based on the number on the scale.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Alright, that's enough!
OK y'all: I keep reading all over the place that bloggers only want to put in their entries when things are going well.
Um: really now, friends.... why are we here in a supportive and helpful community if it is not to encourage each other when things are going crap?
PLEASE: commit to blogging regularly as a part of your weight loss program-- I know this is selfish of me, I like to read your blogs and I like to know how all of my buds are doing. (I know that I don't always comment, but trust me, I am reading as many blogs as I can, each day! It keeps me going on my own path!)
I, myself, am committed to blogging regularly: rain or shine, just like the mail is supposed to be. I'm not going to make it a daily commitment because life really can get in the way-- but feel free to come on around and ask where the hell I am if you don't see me for a day or two.
I can absolutely count blogging as one of the top 5 factors in my continued weight loss *success* (I, ahem, guess I'm successful, right?) and my continued progress. I just can't come on here and LIE. So I don't. I tell the ugly truth. I report weight stalls, weight gains, eating too much chocolate and salt. And you know what: no one comes here and yells and me and tells me I'm a bad person at all!
In fact: often people help me to rethink what I am doing and remind me of the good things I have done-- and this is usually what helps me get back on track.
So: I've officially had "enough" of all of y'all saying "I only come and write when I'm doing well," because that's just poppycock-- or some other word for plain stupid behavior. That's like saying: I only go to my doctor when I'm feeling well... when I'm sick, I stay AWAY from that guy.
Or it's like saying, "I only go to the store when my cupboards are full," or "I only have the housekeeper come in when the house is spotless."
Had enough with the analogies? Mmmkay.
Speaking of doctors, reports and other stuff:
My weight this am: 163.
Amen to that... still not at my all time low of 162.8... but I am getting back in the saddle, thank you to all of you who have been encouraging.
I had hoped to reach the 150's before leaving for Arizona at the end of February, and it is still within reach, but we shall see... I'd definitely like to be in the 161.whatevers soon enough...
It's that time of the year again where I have to go through breast fun. I just got that dreadful pink reminder card from my radiology practice telling me "You're due for a breast MRI!"
Wahoo.
Well: I am not sure if my breast surgeon will agree, I'm going in to see her on Thursday morning-- when I also coincidentally booked my esophagram. I finally broke down and decided to just do it at NYU. That way: I'll have it on the books there and be done with it...
Back to the breast surgeon. Long story short: I had a breast MRI (I am high risk for Breast C. b/c my sister had it at age 36) in September and it was just a nightmare in the administrative aspect. First, her office didn't get the proper clearance, then they didn't get the results to me in a timely manner, then her office person was rude to me-- it was actually the RADIOLOGIST (totally not related to my surgeon's practice) who called with my results-- NOT my doctor's practice.
Hence: I did not go back to the doctor's office -- I was seriously considering choosing a different practice, but it is a pain in the ass-- so I am returning after about 6 months, when I was supposed to go in about 5 months ago! I didn't go because I got the results I needed at the time from the Radiologist, who told me that my scan was unchanged since the last time-- BUT that she recommended that I come back for another breast MRI in 6 months. I know my breast surgeon may not agree... she is more of the mind of doing various tests to get different views: Mammos, sonos, and MRI.
WE'll see-- and I do have a concern that when I go in, she may tell me that she doesn't want to be my doctor anymore because I am 'non-compliant.' You may scratch your head at this-- but the deal is that whenever I have a scan or test, I'm supposed to return to the doc's office to 'discuss' it-- but when I know there is nothing on the scan or it is essentially benign, because the radiology practice told me: I don't want to schlep into the doc's office to have a dumb conversation about it. Do you see? So I am kind of non-compliant with her dumb practice of forcing me to come in after every test.
I'd be in there at least 4 times a year that way-- and it's just overkill when I am currently (*crossing fingers) in fine breast health.
This whole writing makes me terribly anxious, truth be told-- le sigh.
But I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in that I am having all of this scanning and monitoring etc so that any BC could be caught early, were I unfortunate enough to wind up with it like my sister. I'm just praying that whatever skinny genes she got from our family tree are somehow going to make me take after the other (fatter) side of my family who did not have cancer.
To clarify: It is my father's lineage that has a lot of cancer (and they were generally skinnier):
Paternal Grandmother: Breast cancer/ died
Paternal Great Aunt: Breast cancer/ died
Paternal Uncle: Colon Cancer/ died
Father: Prostate Cancer and then Lung Cancer/ ALIVE
Sister: Breast Cancer/ ALIVE
That's a lot of cancer on that side, whereas my mom's side just has the chubby genes and depression, cancer, not so much. So perhaps my plumpness over the years that I've fought so much has bought me better genes in terms of the cancer card. I certainly can hope so. Crossing fingers-- I HATE going to the breast surgeon.
And. you. will. be. hearing. more . of this complaining. constantly. until. Thursday. BLEH. (ugh.)
OK: last but not least- I just heard myself in my mind say:
"I hate myself."
Seriously-- I really just said that and am telling you guys as I am really trying to commit to stop being so self-critical.
I believe I said "I hate myself" because I was just expressing all of that anxiety, which I consider to be stupid, pointless, and whiny. (There I go again.)
My p-doc asked me: "Would you ever talk to your son like that, your husband, or your staff? Do you tell your staff that they are stupid and useless if they make a mistake? Do you attack your son's moral character when he makes an error?"
To which I could only have a good laugh, followed by a good and very sad cry.
Of course not: I only reserve my most vicious attacks for myself, calling myself names for having emotions and reactions like any normal person might. The good news is that I am hearing it and counter-attacking it little by little.
So, mean self inside, take a note:
I DO NOT hate myself, I will not hate myself for being human. I deserve to live my life with all of my flaws and foibles-- and I deserve to treat myself with respect and dignity and kindness, just like that which I'd give anyone else I LOVE, or even come across in the stress.
And you know what, mean self:
I can whine if I want to-- or perhaps a better way of putting it: I can put my feelings in a journal or talk to people I love for support when I need it. It's OK to need help.
I know that "Deep Thoughts with Stuart Smally" show segment on Saturday Night Live (Phil Hartman) was hilarious because of the touchy-feely self-affirmations, but I think I need to use some of that comedy to serious effect:
In the words of Stuart Smally: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it, people like me." ha ha.
Now: all I need to do is REALLY believe that stupid affirmation-- and I'll be a whole lot better off emotionally.
And finally: for Barbara--
I appreciate your words and reminders about being grateful that I've got the chance to live this day and I take that reminder very seriously. Thank you so much for helping me see that perspective as well: I am grateful to be alive and to be healthy right now-- and I'm grateful to be there for my family. I wish you didn't have to suffer your terrible loss... but I thank you for giving me the perspective of gratefulness for the simple power of having my life today.
Love to you all, enjoy Saturday.
Um: really now, friends.... why are we here in a supportive and helpful community if it is not to encourage each other when things are going crap?
PLEASE: commit to blogging regularly as a part of your weight loss program-- I know this is selfish of me, I like to read your blogs and I like to know how all of my buds are doing. (I know that I don't always comment, but trust me, I am reading as many blogs as I can, each day! It keeps me going on my own path!)
I, myself, am committed to blogging regularly: rain or shine, just like the mail is supposed to be. I'm not going to make it a daily commitment because life really can get in the way-- but feel free to come on around and ask where the hell I am if you don't see me for a day or two.
I can absolutely count blogging as one of the top 5 factors in my continued weight loss *success* (I, ahem, guess I'm successful, right?) and my continued progress. I just can't come on here and LIE. So I don't. I tell the ugly truth. I report weight stalls, weight gains, eating too much chocolate and salt. And you know what: no one comes here and yells and me and tells me I'm a bad person at all!
In fact: often people help me to rethink what I am doing and remind me of the good things I have done-- and this is usually what helps me get back on track.
So: I've officially had "enough" of all of y'all saying "I only come and write when I'm doing well," because that's just poppycock-- or some other word for plain stupid behavior. That's like saying: I only go to my doctor when I'm feeling well... when I'm sick, I stay AWAY from that guy.
Or it's like saying, "I only go to the store when my cupboards are full," or "I only have the housekeeper come in when the house is spotless."
Had enough with the analogies? Mmmkay.
Speaking of doctors, reports and other stuff:
My weight this am: 163.
Amen to that... still not at my all time low of 162.8... but I am getting back in the saddle, thank you to all of you who have been encouraging.
I had hoped to reach the 150's before leaving for Arizona at the end of February, and it is still within reach, but we shall see... I'd definitely like to be in the 161.whatevers soon enough...
It's that time of the year again where I have to go through breast fun. I just got that dreadful pink reminder card from my radiology practice telling me "You're due for a breast MRI!"
Wahoo.
Well: I am not sure if my breast surgeon will agree, I'm going in to see her on Thursday morning-- when I also coincidentally booked my esophagram. I finally broke down and decided to just do it at NYU. That way: I'll have it on the books there and be done with it...
Back to the breast surgeon. Long story short: I had a breast MRI (I am high risk for Breast C. b/c my sister had it at age 36) in September and it was just a nightmare in the administrative aspect. First, her office didn't get the proper clearance, then they didn't get the results to me in a timely manner, then her office person was rude to me-- it was actually the RADIOLOGIST (totally not related to my surgeon's practice) who called with my results-- NOT my doctor's practice.
Hence: I did not go back to the doctor's office -- I was seriously considering choosing a different practice, but it is a pain in the ass-- so I am returning after about 6 months, when I was supposed to go in about 5 months ago! I didn't go because I got the results I needed at the time from the Radiologist, who told me that my scan was unchanged since the last time-- BUT that she recommended that I come back for another breast MRI in 6 months. I know my breast surgeon may not agree... she is more of the mind of doing various tests to get different views: Mammos, sonos, and MRI.
WE'll see-- and I do have a concern that when I go in, she may tell me that she doesn't want to be my doctor anymore because I am 'non-compliant.' You may scratch your head at this-- but the deal is that whenever I have a scan or test, I'm supposed to return to the doc's office to 'discuss' it-- but when I know there is nothing on the scan or it is essentially benign, because the radiology practice told me: I don't want to schlep into the doc's office to have a dumb conversation about it. Do you see? So I am kind of non-compliant with her dumb practice of forcing me to come in after every test.
I'd be in there at least 4 times a year that way-- and it's just overkill when I am currently (*crossing fingers) in fine breast health.
This whole writing makes me terribly anxious, truth be told-- le sigh.
But I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in that I am having all of this scanning and monitoring etc so that any BC could be caught early, were I unfortunate enough to wind up with it like my sister. I'm just praying that whatever skinny genes she got from our family tree are somehow going to make me take after the other (fatter) side of my family who did not have cancer.
To clarify: It is my father's lineage that has a lot of cancer (and they were generally skinnier):
Paternal Grandmother: Breast cancer/ died
Paternal Great Aunt: Breast cancer/ died
Paternal Uncle: Colon Cancer/ died
Father: Prostate Cancer and then Lung Cancer/ ALIVE
Sister: Breast Cancer/ ALIVE
That's a lot of cancer on that side, whereas my mom's side just has the chubby genes and depression, cancer, not so much. So perhaps my plumpness over the years that I've fought so much has bought me better genes in terms of the cancer card. I certainly can hope so. Crossing fingers-- I HATE going to the breast surgeon.
And. you. will. be. hearing. more . of this complaining. constantly. until. Thursday. BLEH. (ugh.)
OK: last but not least- I just heard myself in my mind say:
"I hate myself."
Seriously-- I really just said that and am telling you guys as I am really trying to commit to stop being so self-critical.
I believe I said "I hate myself" because I was just expressing all of that anxiety, which I consider to be stupid, pointless, and whiny. (There I go again.)
My p-doc asked me: "Would you ever talk to your son like that, your husband, or your staff? Do you tell your staff that they are stupid and useless if they make a mistake? Do you attack your son's moral character when he makes an error?"
To which I could only have a good laugh, followed by a good and very sad cry.
Of course not: I only reserve my most vicious attacks for myself, calling myself names for having emotions and reactions like any normal person might. The good news is that I am hearing it and counter-attacking it little by little.
So, mean self inside, take a note:
I DO NOT hate myself, I will not hate myself for being human. I deserve to live my life with all of my flaws and foibles-- and I deserve to treat myself with respect and dignity and kindness, just like that which I'd give anyone else I LOVE, or even come across in the stress.
And you know what, mean self:
I can whine if I want to-- or perhaps a better way of putting it: I can put my feelings in a journal or talk to people I love for support when I need it. It's OK to need help.
I know that "Deep Thoughts with Stuart Smally" show segment on Saturday Night Live (Phil Hartman) was hilarious because of the touchy-feely self-affirmations, but I think I need to use some of that comedy to serious effect:
In the words of Stuart Smally: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it, people like me." ha ha.
Now: all I need to do is REALLY believe that stupid affirmation-- and I'll be a whole lot better off emotionally.
And finally: for Barbara--
I appreciate your words and reminders about being grateful that I've got the chance to live this day and I take that reminder very seriously. Thank you so much for helping me see that perspective as well: I am grateful to be alive and to be healthy right now-- and I'm grateful to be there for my family. I wish you didn't have to suffer your terrible loss... but I thank you for giving me the perspective of gratefulness for the simple power of having my life today.
Love to you all, enjoy Saturday.
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