Here is an adorable and happy video of the Backstreet Boys (c'mon, you know you like them-- ok, at least I like them: I LOVE them....) playing at a Pride parade in Cali (I think.) I lifted this You Tube video from Perezhilton.com. Do you like Perez? LOVES him.
I know he is snarky and mean at times-- but I just love my entertainment gossip and news from the the Queen of all Media. He puts up stuff like this -- and this video almost made me cry with happiness. It is just such joy to see the crowd and the band all communing together in song. (No, I haven't been drinking (for a few hours)...)
Enjoy!
good ole ticker...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
177.9-- 'Overweight' here I come
First, let me say that for anyone who isn't clear on my title-- this am I got on the scale and was 177.9-- a BMI of 30.1-- nearing the 'overweight' category. I really do not like to think of myself as 'obese' but the BMI categories tell it that way.
I'm exciting to get into the 'overweight' category and eventually get into the 'normal' zone-- though that is a long ways off.
As for BMI-- I guess it is just a measurement, but I think it has major flaws. But it is just a way of classifying things so 'whatevs.' I like my waist to hip ratio-- it designates me in a 'healthy' category!!
Anyhow: I am going to spend the day at my new place today, I'm excited and a bit nervous. I am willing to bet that the people I will be meeting with (I am the 'boss' of everyone except my laterally responsible S*V*P's and the C*E*O) are feeling a bit anxious themselves. That always happens when a new person comes in. I'm a completely unknown quantity. I have a few rules that I will have to follow, these I've learned from being in the b-usiness world for quite some time:
1) Hold my cards close to the vest
2) Don't make any friends and don't confide in anyone about anything
3) I'm constantly on 'stage' with people watching every move
I know I sound a bit paranoid-- but I am telling you, when you're in a high profile position in an organization, it pays to be insular and keep the personal out of it. That was my one 'mistake' in my previous place-- I actually did become friendly with several people, and one of them is still my friend. I think I will be seeing him today b/c his office is near my new place... but the other and really 'best' friend that I had ratted out my plans to leave to my b*ss and caused me alot of heartache. Oh well. Such is life-- and I learned an important less about NOT trusting anyone at W*r*k. You just cannot.
I've got to run and get ready now-- and I wanted to let you all know that I may go more 'silent' than usual in the next few weeks. I am returning my laptop tomorrow and my blackberry at the end of the week-- my 'last day-- and my laptop is where I've been typically posting when I am not at my desk at my place during the week. So: while we have a computer in the home, it is essentially DH's business computer in his home office, and I've never really set that up as my comfort zone for computing. SO: I won't really be regularly at a computer again until July 12th!!
I will try to check in-- but please note the above in the interim and I wish you all wonderful luck and happiness in the interim if I find it too cumbersome to post while I am not set up with regular computer 'digs.'
Hope all of the above made sense and wish you all well!!!
I'm exciting to get into the 'overweight' category and eventually get into the 'normal' zone-- though that is a long ways off.
As for BMI-- I guess it is just a measurement, but I think it has major flaws. But it is just a way of classifying things so 'whatevs.' I like my waist to hip ratio-- it designates me in a 'healthy' category!!
Anyhow: I am going to spend the day at my new place today, I'm excited and a bit nervous. I am willing to bet that the people I will be meeting with (I am the 'boss' of everyone except my laterally responsible S*V*P's and the C*E*O) are feeling a bit anxious themselves. That always happens when a new person comes in. I'm a completely unknown quantity. I have a few rules that I will have to follow, these I've learned from being in the b-usiness world for quite some time:
1) Hold my cards close to the vest
2) Don't make any friends and don't confide in anyone about anything
3) I'm constantly on 'stage' with people watching every move
I know I sound a bit paranoid-- but I am telling you, when you're in a high profile position in an organization, it pays to be insular and keep the personal out of it. That was my one 'mistake' in my previous place-- I actually did become friendly with several people, and one of them is still my friend. I think I will be seeing him today b/c his office is near my new place... but the other and really 'best' friend that I had ratted out my plans to leave to my b*ss and caused me alot of heartache. Oh well. Such is life-- and I learned an important less about NOT trusting anyone at W*r*k. You just cannot.
I've got to run and get ready now-- and I wanted to let you all know that I may go more 'silent' than usual in the next few weeks. I am returning my laptop tomorrow and my blackberry at the end of the week-- my 'last day-- and my laptop is where I've been typically posting when I am not at my desk at my place during the week. So: while we have a computer in the home, it is essentially DH's business computer in his home office, and I've never really set that up as my comfort zone for computing. SO: I won't really be regularly at a computer again until July 12th!!
I will try to check in-- but please note the above in the interim and I wish you all wonderful luck and happiness in the interim if I find it too cumbersome to post while I am not set up with regular computer 'digs.'
Hope all of the above made sense and wish you all well!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Holding steady- 178.7- "San's" diet!
I am reconsidering the fill on Tuesday. I am really not sure where I'm at hormonally speaking-- and while I am hungry at times, and not extremely restricted, my weight continues to drop at a snail's pace. But it is dropping. Such things to consider.
I know that I have restriction to the extent that there are times when I am tight, and most the time, if I do not chew thoroughly, I find myself getting stuck. I also see my portions being MUCH smaller than they were pre-banding.
The flip side is that I am fighting off some hunger, food desires are still there at times, and while Dr. Ren said that the weight will just come off if I am at optimal restriction-- I feel that I am working for it-- a LITTLE BIT.
See: this is where the confusing stuff really comes in. I am still NOT dieting in the slightest, and I am eating virtually anything I want. What exactly do I expect? The truth is really somewhere in the middle here. I guess I COULD go for a fill -- but I am sort of not interested in incurring the hassle right this second-- and I cannot find a very good time to do it.
I need to go into NYC on Tuesday (the day of my fill) and pack up my office-- my last day of employment being July 2nd and things having 'wound down' to the extent that they have...
My husband is coming with me, with our SUV (not that there is THAT much stuff.) And we'll be going at 5:30pm to do the packing. I made us a reservation for 7pm at one of our favorite restaurants dowtown as a celebration of completing that task.
BUT, if I get the fill, the meal is pretty much off the table for me-- and this is an expensive place we're going to-- with wonderful 'foodie' food. Do I really want to get a fill that same day and basically be scared to eat anything? According to my practice, after fills, we're supposed to be on 2 days liquids followed by 2 days mushies post fill.
So, there is the answer, because I really want to go to that reservation-- and I don't feel desperate for the fill now that the scale 'budged' FINALLY.
My other fear is the impending water retention situation I'm about to get into with starting the birth control pill. I got my Rx from the doctor: sure enough-- she chose Lo Estrin. I haven't heard terrible things at all, and my skinny 'bitch' sister told me that when she was on BCP's, she never had a weight gain. Perhaps I will be lucky like that?
** Edited to add: I just did an internet search that scared the SHIT out of me about Lo Estrin. Generally speaking, people HATE this pill and experience mood swings and symptoms of early pregnancy on it. Weight gain seemed to be a common problem. Uh oh. I am seriously reconsidering this solution to be started in July. I really cannot afford to be in poor form starting out a brand new job.
I need to really think this through-- if I know I'm not dying from the pain, and I work to manage it without the use of the BCP for a few months, maybe my hormones WILL sort out and I won't have to take the pill.
I need to talk to my husband about this-- b/c he was big on me going on the pill, because of the suffering I've been having the past 3 months. He wants me to feel better (and to stop complaining.)
But as I said above, maybe this month will either a) be better or b) be much more manageable knowing that I am not in any medical 'extremis.' I am sure my anxieties about the pain were not helping me manage the pain at all...
I am really against starting this pill in July at this point, and I am seriously considering a 'no go' for July and waiting ONE more month to see what happens.
I also dislike my GYN, she has been unsympathetic and I think I ought to switch. I just don't feel good about her. She is a fine physician, but her bedside manner has turned me off and I need more TLC about this issue... lots to think about in the next few weeks before my period starts.
One more thing: I haven't tried naprosen-- and I'm thinking that I ought to give that I go-- sometimes when Ibuprofen fails, Naproxin works fine. I may call the doc's office and ask for a prescription strength of Naprosen.**
My wheels are totally turning about this...
I start my NEW j*o~b in July 12th-- and I have a fill appointment set up near my new office sometime in July (I must look at my calendar.) My further thoughts are this:
1) New j. will probably translate into me losing weight-- I tend to eat less when busy/ stressed.
2) When I go for my next fill, I will have recently started the BCP's-- so if there is a gain it will be "explicable" (I will feel less embarassed- can you believe I am thinking this way???)
3) I also am exercising more-- and will continue to do so (I should hope) because my commute will be taking up so much less time (somewhere between 1 to 2 hours gained BACK per weekday) and hopefully, my w*rk will be less stressful in general. While I will still hold a key position, my b*s* is a completely different person than what I've had in the last placement. Much less pressure. (The only pressure will come from me, I think-- wanting to prove myself and bring the org. to the next level!)
This is just the truth as I see it: if I have a gain but have an explanation-- I can feel OK going into a fill in July-having skipped the June fill and making this the longest interval between fills for me yet. It's all good. I'm not even sure if I am making sense to YOU-- but I am making good sense to me. I'm skipping the fill this month.
I'll leave y'all with a recommendation for viewing on You Tube. Have you seen "Bandedwendy?" She is a woman who has lost something like 92 pounds and she has tons of videos of herself speaking about the journey along the way. She's inspiring and a great information sharer. Watch at your own risk! I don't agree with calorie counting and (obsessive) measuring-- but it certainly is a success formula for many.
Also note: Banded Wendy has lost weight at a much quicker pace than I have-- so she is surely onto something-- and so are many of y'all who have weighed, measured and generally paid better attention to portion size etc than I have. But I personally cannot get into that trip-- it is a death trap for me. As soon as I start dieting, I get into a weird danger zone of obsessive and somewhat 'extreme' behavior-- and it never serves ME in the end. I'll take my slow weight loss, 'sans' dieting. (Though I do wish to get rid of my belly fat. Grrrr. I want my flat stomach back and that is going to take a LONG time.)
So here you go-- here is "Bandedwendy!"
http://www.youtube.com/user/bandedwendy
I know that I have restriction to the extent that there are times when I am tight, and most the time, if I do not chew thoroughly, I find myself getting stuck. I also see my portions being MUCH smaller than they were pre-banding.
The flip side is that I am fighting off some hunger, food desires are still there at times, and while Dr. Ren said that the weight will just come off if I am at optimal restriction-- I feel that I am working for it-- a LITTLE BIT.
See: this is where the confusing stuff really comes in. I am still NOT dieting in the slightest, and I am eating virtually anything I want. What exactly do I expect? The truth is really somewhere in the middle here. I guess I COULD go for a fill -- but I am sort of not interested in incurring the hassle right this second-- and I cannot find a very good time to do it.
I need to go into NYC on Tuesday (the day of my fill) and pack up my office-- my last day of employment being July 2nd and things having 'wound down' to the extent that they have...
My husband is coming with me, with our SUV (not that there is THAT much stuff.) And we'll be going at 5:30pm to do the packing. I made us a reservation for 7pm at one of our favorite restaurants dowtown as a celebration of completing that task.
BUT, if I get the fill, the meal is pretty much off the table for me-- and this is an expensive place we're going to-- with wonderful 'foodie' food. Do I really want to get a fill that same day and basically be scared to eat anything? According to my practice, after fills, we're supposed to be on 2 days liquids followed by 2 days mushies post fill.
So, there is the answer, because I really want to go to that reservation-- and I don't feel desperate for the fill now that the scale 'budged' FINALLY.
My other fear is the impending water retention situation I'm about to get into with starting the birth control pill. I got my Rx from the doctor: sure enough-- she chose Lo Estrin. I haven't heard terrible things at all, and my skinny 'bitch' sister told me that when she was on BCP's, she never had a weight gain. Perhaps I will be lucky like that?
** Edited to add: I just did an internet search that scared the SHIT out of me about Lo Estrin. Generally speaking, people HATE this pill and experience mood swings and symptoms of early pregnancy on it. Weight gain seemed to be a common problem. Uh oh. I am seriously reconsidering this solution to be started in July. I really cannot afford to be in poor form starting out a brand new job.
I need to really think this through-- if I know I'm not dying from the pain, and I work to manage it without the use of the BCP for a few months, maybe my hormones WILL sort out and I won't have to take the pill.
I need to talk to my husband about this-- b/c he was big on me going on the pill, because of the suffering I've been having the past 3 months. He wants me to feel better (and to stop complaining.)
But as I said above, maybe this month will either a) be better or b) be much more manageable knowing that I am not in any medical 'extremis.' I am sure my anxieties about the pain were not helping me manage the pain at all...
I am really against starting this pill in July at this point, and I am seriously considering a 'no go' for July and waiting ONE more month to see what happens.
I also dislike my GYN, she has been unsympathetic and I think I ought to switch. I just don't feel good about her. She is a fine physician, but her bedside manner has turned me off and I need more TLC about this issue... lots to think about in the next few weeks before my period starts.
One more thing: I haven't tried naprosen-- and I'm thinking that I ought to give that I go-- sometimes when Ibuprofen fails, Naproxin works fine. I may call the doc's office and ask for a prescription strength of Naprosen.**
My wheels are totally turning about this...
I start my NEW j*o~b in July 12th-- and I have a fill appointment set up near my new office sometime in July (I must look at my calendar.) My further thoughts are this:
1) New j. will probably translate into me losing weight-- I tend to eat less when busy/ stressed.
2) When I go for my next fill, I will have recently started the BCP's-- so if there is a gain it will be "explicable" (I will feel less embarassed- can you believe I am thinking this way???)
3) I also am exercising more-- and will continue to do so (I should hope) because my commute will be taking up so much less time (somewhere between 1 to 2 hours gained BACK per weekday) and hopefully, my w*rk will be less stressful in general. While I will still hold a key position, my b*s* is a completely different person than what I've had in the last placement. Much less pressure. (The only pressure will come from me, I think-- wanting to prove myself and bring the org. to the next level!)
This is just the truth as I see it: if I have a gain but have an explanation-- I can feel OK going into a fill in July-having skipped the June fill and making this the longest interval between fills for me yet. It's all good. I'm not even sure if I am making sense to YOU-- but I am making good sense to me. I'm skipping the fill this month.
I'll leave y'all with a recommendation for viewing on You Tube. Have you seen "Bandedwendy?" She is a woman who has lost something like 92 pounds and she has tons of videos of herself speaking about the journey along the way. She's inspiring and a great information sharer. Watch at your own risk! I don't agree with calorie counting and (obsessive) measuring-- but it certainly is a success formula for many.
Also note: Banded Wendy has lost weight at a much quicker pace than I have-- so she is surely onto something-- and so are many of y'all who have weighed, measured and generally paid better attention to portion size etc than I have. But I personally cannot get into that trip-- it is a death trap for me. As soon as I start dieting, I get into a weird danger zone of obsessive and somewhat 'extreme' behavior-- and it never serves ME in the end. I'll take my slow weight loss, 'sans' dieting. (Though I do wish to get rid of my belly fat. Grrrr. I want my flat stomach back and that is going to take a LONG time.)
So here you go-- here is "Bandedwendy!"
http://www.youtube.com/user/bandedwendy
Friday, June 25, 2010
178.9-- I'll take it!
I think I have LITERALLY been here before-- but the scale read 178.9 this morning. Amen!
Before I say anything else, I want to thank all of my commenters, particularly yesterday-- your comments meant SO MUCH to me and really gave me alot of support and help. I was obviously feeling shaky.
Now I get to scream to the trees (at least this morning) and anyone who will listen, that I WILL make it through and KEEP GOING. I've known this all along, on some level, but it is very hard when the plateau-ing/ slowing weight loss happens to you.
Back to support for a moment: If I know all of my partners in 'weight loss crime' well, I would imagine that each of you probably begins to want to shy away from blogging when things get tough. I do too-- but I try to post daily so that I have a rhythm to my posts and don't feel totally 'complete' unless I've put in a blog virtually every day. This way: I get accountabillity and support-- and that is so meaningful. No one is holding my feet to the fire except for me, but just writing it down each day and having to admit what is happening is the right amount of accountability to keep me moving in the right direction. And as for the support-- I mean: the help , the love, the wisdom-- it is endless in our community of sisters (and a few bros too!) I just love it.
On to rewards for a moment.
I am waiting to reach that 174.point whatever mark before I allow myself the reward of purchasing the subscription to "Us Magazine." For the first time in a long time, a weight loss reward has really meant something to me. Why? I think that I've made the 'goal' (reaching 174) reasonable, but not too easy that it isn't really any reach for me. I also think that the reward is just right. While it is not stratospherically expensive, it is a little investment in myself-- and I will feel so deserving when I get to give this gift to myself.
It still seems a ways off: but I'm waiting it out, and then my next reward? Who knows-- but I am going to keep setting rewards for 5 pound marks from here on down. It takes me a long time to lose 5 pounds (and I don't see that changing...)-- so 5 pounds is a very good marker.
Are you giving yourself rewards for specific accomplishments? I hope so-- I think they matter, as do all of you!
Before I say anything else, I want to thank all of my commenters, particularly yesterday-- your comments meant SO MUCH to me and really gave me alot of support and help. I was obviously feeling shaky.
Now I get to scream to the trees (at least this morning) and anyone who will listen, that I WILL make it through and KEEP GOING. I've known this all along, on some level, but it is very hard when the plateau-ing/ slowing weight loss happens to you.
Back to support for a moment: If I know all of my partners in 'weight loss crime' well, I would imagine that each of you probably begins to want to shy away from blogging when things get tough. I do too-- but I try to post daily so that I have a rhythm to my posts and don't feel totally 'complete' unless I've put in a blog virtually every day. This way: I get accountabillity and support-- and that is so meaningful. No one is holding my feet to the fire except for me, but just writing it down each day and having to admit what is happening is the right amount of accountability to keep me moving in the right direction. And as for the support-- I mean: the help , the love, the wisdom-- it is endless in our community of sisters (and a few bros too!) I just love it.
On to rewards for a moment.
I am waiting to reach that 174.point whatever mark before I allow myself the reward of purchasing the subscription to "Us Magazine." For the first time in a long time, a weight loss reward has really meant something to me. Why? I think that I've made the 'goal' (reaching 174) reasonable, but not too easy that it isn't really any reach for me. I also think that the reward is just right. While it is not stratospherically expensive, it is a little investment in myself-- and I will feel so deserving when I get to give this gift to myself.
It still seems a ways off: but I'm waiting it out, and then my next reward? Who knows-- but I am going to keep setting rewards for 5 pound marks from here on down. It takes me a long time to lose 5 pounds (and I don't see that changing...)-- so 5 pounds is a very good marker.
Are you giving yourself rewards for specific accomplishments? I hope so-- I think they matter, as do all of you!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
My Weight Loss Graph/ Hope abounds
I don't know if you've been able to notice, but I've been feeling a bit discouraged/ annoyed about my weight loss progress in the past few days. This morning, I got on the scale and saw 181.3, but when I went back in 20 minutes later I was 180.4 and that is the weight I stuck with for the day (180.4.) The stairmaster scale game is a bad one-- and I need to cut the crap.
I want to commit to weighing myself 1 time in a morning-- but it is hard to commit, knowing what happened today. 181.3 would have felt much worse and discouraging than the 180.4 that I got when I went back to the scale. This is RIDICULOUS!!!!
I really need to commit to just accepting the daily weigh in and all of its lumps and accepting the process.
Not sure where I fell off the track of being patient-- maybe it has been between the various stresses and time off etc (not all bad!)-- but I seem to have lost my way slightly.
I was such a patient girl for a while, and now that I'm nearly in the 170's for a good long time, I seem to be hovering back into the 180's which is really pissing me off.
But I decided to get honest and take a good look at my weight loss ticker chart. See right below:
My Weight Chart:
While I am hardly a weight loss rock star, I am certainly showing consistent, SLOW progress. And the consistency that I see from this chart is that my weight bounces up and down, up and down, but gradually is going down hill.
I'm having my typical sweats and fears over going in to see Dr. Ren on Tuesday (my next appointment.) What if I've gained weight? Made no progress? Failed? Failed. Yeah, I said it.
The truth is that if I've gained weight since my last visit, it is the perfect time to be going in for another visit-- I NEED HELP if I need help. Does that make sense?
Shame is part of the process of what caused me to gain weight and not access help more quickly when I needed it in the past and I refuse to allow any shame to interfere with continuing to ask for help.
I am quite unsure about whether I need a fill-- except for the fact that Dr. Ren has said that the weight should just come off if I am well adjusted. And it is not, at least not right now. I am 'stuck' in the worst way at the moment... and not feeling the confidence I want to feel. I must remember that the whole idea of the band is the remove the struggle and I am right back IN the struggle again and it totally SUCKS. That's why I HAVE Dr. Ren and her folks on my side and it will just be a few more days until I get in there and see her.
I'll take whatever lumps that there are... you know my fantasy (Jen, like the Sweeney Todd chair?) of being ejected from Dr. Ren's office with one press of a button. YOU FAILED, GET OUT OF HERE.
What could actually happen (I'm alittle afraid,) is that she says: "Ok, it's time to assess what you're doing and why you're not Losing! Stop eating like a pig!!" But somehow, knowing her style, I doubt it. I think that she will look at my progress, or lack thereof, and say: time for an adjustment.
I don't know if you know or care, but Dr. Ren is actually very conservative with fills-- at least with me. She does around .2 or something very minimal for a 10 cc band when I need a fill. This could be part of the reason for the slow and steady losses for me (also considering that I started at a comparatively lower weight with somewhat less to lose than other band patients.) But, I've never had an adjustment issue with her. The only time I had problems was the one time I took a 'big girl fill' with Gaspar. It wasn't pretty-- even though he meant well: I was well and truly beyond over filled and needed to go back for an UNfill. But I've digressed.
I forgot to mention that I do believe that I am retaining water-- but I don't know what the hell to do to take the water OFF. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten those 2 blue cheese stuffed olives yesterday afternoon. (Uh-- yeah/ duh.)
I know that I am whining incessantly, oh, and another thing: how annoying is it that I've been exercising and my weight is UP! Bah. I know I've said it to others before, perhaps it is that I am retaining water as my muscles repair from the additional exercise? Could be. But I just feel 'fat' today. Argh.
I know this post has probably been:
1) Boring
2) Hard to follow
3) Repetitive of the themes I've stated lately (hence, refer to #1)
So, I appreciate anyone reading it! I also want to say that I really appreciate your comments and support and hope to be back commenting even more regularly when I am spending more time at a desk again (mid-July.) Until then, my computer use is somewhat more erratic, hence: so are my comments. But I appreciate all of your support and help!! Continued success (and patience, which I am SO NOT exhibiting right now) to you all.
I want to commit to weighing myself 1 time in a morning-- but it is hard to commit, knowing what happened today. 181.3 would have felt much worse and discouraging than the 180.4 that I got when I went back to the scale. This is RIDICULOUS!!!!
I really need to commit to just accepting the daily weigh in and all of its lumps and accepting the process.
Not sure where I fell off the track of being patient-- maybe it has been between the various stresses and time off etc (not all bad!)-- but I seem to have lost my way slightly.
I was such a patient girl for a while, and now that I'm nearly in the 170's for a good long time, I seem to be hovering back into the 180's which is really pissing me off.
But I decided to get honest and take a good look at my weight loss ticker chart. See right below:
My Weight Chart:
While I am hardly a weight loss rock star, I am certainly showing consistent, SLOW progress. And the consistency that I see from this chart is that my weight bounces up and down, up and down, but gradually is going down hill.
I'm having my typical sweats and fears over going in to see Dr. Ren on Tuesday (my next appointment.) What if I've gained weight? Made no progress? Failed? Failed. Yeah, I said it.
The truth is that if I've gained weight since my last visit, it is the perfect time to be going in for another visit-- I NEED HELP if I need help. Does that make sense?
Shame is part of the process of what caused me to gain weight and not access help more quickly when I needed it in the past and I refuse to allow any shame to interfere with continuing to ask for help.
I am quite unsure about whether I need a fill-- except for the fact that Dr. Ren has said that the weight should just come off if I am well adjusted. And it is not, at least not right now. I am 'stuck' in the worst way at the moment... and not feeling the confidence I want to feel. I must remember that the whole idea of the band is the remove the struggle and I am right back IN the struggle again and it totally SUCKS. That's why I HAVE Dr. Ren and her folks on my side and it will just be a few more days until I get in there and see her.
I'll take whatever lumps that there are... you know my fantasy (Jen, like the Sweeney Todd chair?) of being ejected from Dr. Ren's office with one press of a button. YOU FAILED, GET OUT OF HERE.
What could actually happen (I'm alittle afraid,) is that she says: "Ok, it's time to assess what you're doing and why you're not Losing! Stop eating like a pig!!" But somehow, knowing her style, I doubt it. I think that she will look at my progress, or lack thereof, and say: time for an adjustment.
I don't know if you know or care, but Dr. Ren is actually very conservative with fills-- at least with me. She does around .2 or something very minimal for a 10 cc band when I need a fill. This could be part of the reason for the slow and steady losses for me (also considering that I started at a comparatively lower weight with somewhat less to lose than other band patients.) But, I've never had an adjustment issue with her. The only time I had problems was the one time I took a 'big girl fill' with Gaspar. It wasn't pretty-- even though he meant well: I was well and truly beyond over filled and needed to go back for an UNfill. But I've digressed.
I forgot to mention that I do believe that I am retaining water-- but I don't know what the hell to do to take the water OFF. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten those 2 blue cheese stuffed olives yesterday afternoon. (Uh-- yeah/ duh.)
I know that I am whining incessantly, oh, and another thing: how annoying is it that I've been exercising and my weight is UP! Bah. I know I've said it to others before, perhaps it is that I am retaining water as my muscles repair from the additional exercise? Could be. But I just feel 'fat' today. Argh.
I know this post has probably been:
1) Boring
2) Hard to follow
3) Repetitive of the themes I've stated lately (hence, refer to #1)
So, I appreciate anyone reading it! I also want to say that I really appreciate your comments and support and hope to be back commenting even more regularly when I am spending more time at a desk again (mid-July.) Until then, my computer use is somewhat more erratic, hence: so are my comments. But I appreciate all of your support and help!! Continued success (and patience, which I am SO NOT exhibiting right now) to you all.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
'I'm gonna be 40...someday!' (boo hoo / ha ha)
Yep, I am going to be 40... (when?)... someday. (I am quoting a line from "When Harry Met Sally.") For any of you younger bloggers, this is an ancient movie from the 1980's that us older bloggers have all seen and there are frequent references to it in everyday vernacular. Have you ever heard the line: "I'll have what she's having?"-- that is also from WHMS too. But I digress, I will teach a course in pop culture someday, to be sure.
So: yeah, I'll be turning 40 in October-- and so far, the gods have given me the gift of hormonal issues that seem to be cropping up, per my GYN (that bitch) as "PMS due to the fact that you're getting to be in your 40's now. "
So that's what has been causing me cramps for 3 months in a row (the cramps are cyclical, and come when it is about time for me to ovulate.) Somehow reducing my pain down to "PMS" really seems to be a minimization of what I've dealt with and it annoys me. Not that I want anything to be wrong with me, I am glad to be in good health except for wonky hormones. But still, I think she's been somewhat insensitive to the amount of discomfort I've been in.
Dammit. Seriously, I really kind of hate GYN doctors. At least mine, and I've never met one with an awesome personality. I don't mean to be gross, but what kind of person wants to be up in womens' 'business' all day for a living. Ick. (Sorry again.)
I am still having cramps-- and will be starting the pill the Sunday after I get my next period. I am stupid, so I cannot even figure out exactly the reason-- anyone want to step up to the plate on this one?
I had a phone discussion with the doc and am waiting to see which pill she'll prescribe, she wanted to think about it, but I called her last Friday and cried "Uncle" with the "PMS" pain I've had for 3 months in a row. If anything, I'd say the shit is escalating and my body is insisting on more hormonal regulation. That is why I'm giving in and going on the pill, yo.
It looks like she'll be giving me something like "Lo Estrin" or the like. Anyone taken that pill and like to comment? My sister took the pill for many years and she said she had no complaints, so I'm hoping that our genetic similarities will dictate that we will tolerate the pill similarly. She even pointed out to me that my skin will be lovely and smooth and that if I have any wrinkles, my skin will smooth out (I don't have many wrinkles.)
I once heard: "When you stub your toe, all you are is a stubbed toe." In many ways: the cramps have made me into one giant cramp. So, as I keep saying, I'll make it through this last month of irritation and crampy complaining, go on the pill and hope for hormonal regulation that will not make my weight go bananas. Yeah: 'cause my insensitive GYN also said that she thinks the pill will make me retain water and gain like 5 pounds. Thanks, hon.
Well, guess what, my hormones are so wonky right now that I'm ALREADY retaining water and haven't even STARTED the goddamn pill-- k? So: how much worse can things get?
Oooh, I am really sounding like I am in a VERY foul mood. Sorry for this cranky post.
Oh: and my weight is hovering in the same range. More for the bad mood. Gotta run, DS just woke up.
So: yeah, I'll be turning 40 in October-- and so far, the gods have given me the gift of hormonal issues that seem to be cropping up, per my GYN (that bitch) as "PMS due to the fact that you're getting to be in your 40's now. "
So that's what has been causing me cramps for 3 months in a row (the cramps are cyclical, and come when it is about time for me to ovulate.) Somehow reducing my pain down to "PMS" really seems to be a minimization of what I've dealt with and it annoys me. Not that I want anything to be wrong with me, I am glad to be in good health except for wonky hormones. But still, I think she's been somewhat insensitive to the amount of discomfort I've been in.
Dammit. Seriously, I really kind of hate GYN doctors. At least mine, and I've never met one with an awesome personality. I don't mean to be gross, but what kind of person wants to be up in womens' 'business' all day for a living. Ick. (Sorry again.)
I am still having cramps-- and will be starting the pill the Sunday after I get my next period. I am stupid, so I cannot even figure out exactly the reason-- anyone want to step up to the plate on this one?
I had a phone discussion with the doc and am waiting to see which pill she'll prescribe, she wanted to think about it, but I called her last Friday and cried "Uncle" with the "PMS" pain I've had for 3 months in a row. If anything, I'd say the shit is escalating and my body is insisting on more hormonal regulation. That is why I'm giving in and going on the pill, yo.
It looks like she'll be giving me something like "Lo Estrin" or the like. Anyone taken that pill and like to comment? My sister took the pill for many years and she said she had no complaints, so I'm hoping that our genetic similarities will dictate that we will tolerate the pill similarly. She even pointed out to me that my skin will be lovely and smooth and that if I have any wrinkles, my skin will smooth out (I don't have many wrinkles.)
I once heard: "When you stub your toe, all you are is a stubbed toe." In many ways: the cramps have made me into one giant cramp. So, as I keep saying, I'll make it through this last month of irritation and crampy complaining, go on the pill and hope for hormonal regulation that will not make my weight go bananas. Yeah: 'cause my insensitive GYN also said that she thinks the pill will make me retain water and gain like 5 pounds. Thanks, hon.
Well, guess what, my hormones are so wonky right now that I'm ALREADY retaining water and haven't even STARTED the goddamn pill-- k? So: how much worse can things get?
Oooh, I am really sounding like I am in a VERY foul mood. Sorry for this cranky post.
Oh: and my weight is hovering in the same range. More for the bad mood. Gotta run, DS just woke up.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Needing a fill???
I'm feeling discouraged and anxious because my weight is still essentially in the 180's. This morning, it was 180.6/ 179.6. Humbug.
Do I need a fill? Maybe. I feel like I am struggling-- and I have an appointment on June 29th- so whatever happens, I guess I can let go of the anxiety and say that I'm going to have some help soon. I just don't want to feel ashamed going in to the office and having put on weight if that is what is going to be.
And why, may I ask (though I know the answer) is my weight UP just when I start exercising MORE? Am I hormonally screwed up and retaining water with all of this hormone crap that has happened lately? Who knows. I believe that my eating is not showing me to be at optimal restriction at this moment. I am not getting full and I am seeking food, fighting off the tendency to eat too. This is not optimal for the band-- that is what the band should help me with. However: in terms of helping myself, perhaps I just need to eat more during the day so I am not hungry in the evenings, as I have been? Have a good portion of a heavier protein (I've been having alot of eggs, but maybe that doesn't cover me, and I think the cheese that I eat is more slider than a helpful food at the end of the day... ) and see how that covers me?
I have some burgers in the freezer, I think maybe I will defrost one and see if that is good for me this morning. It is 10am now and I am getting very hungry -- all I've had today is water/ coffee with a bit of creamer, so I will try the meat/ protein route now.
Yesterday was definitely a better eating day than I'd had in a few days-- I was trying to get back into the swing of things and it did work out. But I am finding myself to be hungry and snacky which is a concern. I don't think I ought to be feeling this way and I don't think that if I were optimally adjusted that I would be seeking food... bleh.
Probably need a fill- but will do my best to 'help myself' in the next few days by focusing on the protein and avoiding sodium laden foods. I don't want to be stuck at this weight forever!! Argh.
Sorry to whine, but I am definitely in a whiney place.
Note to self: Dr. Ren always asks how my clothes are fitting and I've tried several items of clothing on this morning and everything is fitting the same, if not slightly looser.. So maybe my scale is just evil these days???
Whatever: I'll need to keep trucking. This isn't the end of the line-- just a bump in the road, that is filled with many bumps...but overall, is a going forward kind of road!
Do I need a fill? Maybe. I feel like I am struggling-- and I have an appointment on June 29th- so whatever happens, I guess I can let go of the anxiety and say that I'm going to have some help soon. I just don't want to feel ashamed going in to the office and having put on weight if that is what is going to be.
And why, may I ask (though I know the answer) is my weight UP just when I start exercising MORE? Am I hormonally screwed up and retaining water with all of this hormone crap that has happened lately? Who knows. I believe that my eating is not showing me to be at optimal restriction at this moment. I am not getting full and I am seeking food, fighting off the tendency to eat too. This is not optimal for the band-- that is what the band should help me with. However: in terms of helping myself, perhaps I just need to eat more during the day so I am not hungry in the evenings, as I have been? Have a good portion of a heavier protein (I've been having alot of eggs, but maybe that doesn't cover me, and I think the cheese that I eat is more slider than a helpful food at the end of the day... ) and see how that covers me?
I have some burgers in the freezer, I think maybe I will defrost one and see if that is good for me this morning. It is 10am now and I am getting very hungry -- all I've had today is water/ coffee with a bit of creamer, so I will try the meat/ protein route now.
Yesterday was definitely a better eating day than I'd had in a few days-- I was trying to get back into the swing of things and it did work out. But I am finding myself to be hungry and snacky which is a concern. I don't think I ought to be feeling this way and I don't think that if I were optimally adjusted that I would be seeking food... bleh.
Probably need a fill- but will do my best to 'help myself' in the next few days by focusing on the protein and avoiding sodium laden foods. I don't want to be stuck at this weight forever!! Argh.
Sorry to whine, but I am definitely in a whiney place.
Note to self: Dr. Ren always asks how my clothes are fitting and I've tried several items of clothing on this morning and everything is fitting the same, if not slightly looser.. So maybe my scale is just evil these days???
Whatever: I'll need to keep trucking. This isn't the end of the line-- just a bump in the road, that is filled with many bumps...but overall, is a going forward kind of road!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Weight is up, bleh
My weight is up-- to 181.5 !! Argh.
I believe that this is water retention-- had alot of salty food over the weekend, but it is so annoying to have seen 177.5 and now be up so much higher again.
I don't want to get discouraged, and there really isn't any need to be discouraged-- I have been losing weight without dieting thus far, no need to start now.
I'm drinking my water, and have had some 'Healthy Fasting' tea, which seems to help flush some water from my system at times like this. I also need to eat my protein first and try to eat very slowly to let myself get full. I've been eating more carbs than usual (not that they are evil-- but I've discovered I can eat them- and so am less fearful to do so... pasta/ bread. Therefore, I think the protein is important, limiting simple carbs is important etc etc.
I know that this is all 'eating healthy' 101 and I am in 'just do it' mode. I KNOW I can (I think...) -- no really, I KNOW I can. I'm also exercising more, as planned. I've worked out yesterday and today- so that is all good news.
Here's to leaving the 180's behind-- so and forever.
I believe that this is water retention-- had alot of salty food over the weekend, but it is so annoying to have seen 177.5 and now be up so much higher again.
I don't want to get discouraged, and there really isn't any need to be discouraged-- I have been losing weight without dieting thus far, no need to start now.
I'm drinking my water, and have had some 'Healthy Fasting' tea, which seems to help flush some water from my system at times like this. I also need to eat my protein first and try to eat very slowly to let myself get full. I've been eating more carbs than usual (not that they are evil-- but I've discovered I can eat them- and so am less fearful to do so... pasta/ bread. Therefore, I think the protein is important, limiting simple carbs is important etc etc.
I know that this is all 'eating healthy' 101 and I am in 'just do it' mode. I KNOW I can (I think...) -- no really, I KNOW I can. I'm also exercising more, as planned. I've worked out yesterday and today- so that is all good news.
Here's to leaving the 180's behind-- so and forever.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Update pic and lazy blogging!!
Here is a breaking news picture of me... taken yesterday. This is what I wore to the lovely farewell lunch that was planned for me-- it was a casual affair.
This isn't a great picture of me, and I don't really like how my hair looks a bit like the "Snookie" style-- Jersey shore, anyone?
But this is the best I could get the hubs to do on short notice. Just more on the journey down the scale.
It is pretty unbelievable to me that I've had so much time to myself lately and am still not caught up on blogs and commenting or even writing so much on my own! I guess it is a busy 'job' to be lazing about the house.
In the ironic news department, as soon as I posted my 'rah rah exercise' post -- I sabotaged myself or something and haven't gotten back on my treadmill since! Yikes-- hypocrit alert. Well: y'all have seen that it has been a rather nutty week, what with my sister's surgery, my son and his little procedure etc etc, and the cramps have not exactly made me want to get jiggy on the treadmill 'neither.'
Though I do not have official word on the ultrasound/ sono, the tech told me that much of the fluid that they'd seen the last time appeared to be resolved and that I had a new 'follicle' forming on my ovary. Long story short: painful ovulation (or 'PMS' as my Gyn calls it) appears to be the diagnosis. So much to those 3 simple little letters. Bleh.
Bottom line: I've cried 'uncle' and am going on birth control pills starting after my next period. I am very hopeful that the pill will stop the madness with the cramps-- because as I write this at this MOMENT, I have fucking cramps. It is not so terrible at the moment, but not something I want to continue to live with. No way. This must stop.
Oh, and by the way, before I start anxiety spiraling all over again-- let me say this (more for my brain than for any of you)-- I've had 3 cycles of the same symptoms since April. Lest I think that some mysterious illness has struck, I've been under a doctor's care and no one is even very impressed with my medical tests! I just have an uncomfortable symptom that everyone with whom I've spoken with who knows anything about this said that the PILL is the answer. 'Nuff said. This almost 40 year old chica starts BC pills after her next period as per the doc.
I am so sick of complaining!!!
Anywho: my weight is doing that thing it does where it hovers in a new range and could be potentially frustrating and annoying. My new 'high' numeric is the 179 point whatever zone, and the lowest I've seen thus far is 177.5. C'mon 176... that'll be a fine day!
I'm sticking to my reward plan, and it will really mean something to me to give myself the subscription to "US magazine" when I reach 174. But at this rate, that is about 2 months away. Ok, whatever. This time last year, I was in the depths of hell about my weight-- and I'll take slow weight loss over worrying any day of the week.
Right?
Right.
Have a great weekend y'all-- I'm looking forward to a very UNcommitted week coming up!
And PS: tomorrow is my husband's 40th bday! Poor guy never catches a break, there's always something going on when it is his bday, and this time is is Father's day. Whatever. For his gift, I am taking him to "Mohonk Mountain House" for a romantic getaway.
Looking forward to it!
This isn't a great picture of me, and I don't really like how my hair looks a bit like the "Snookie" style-- Jersey shore, anyone?
But this is the best I could get the hubs to do on short notice. Just more on the journey down the scale.
It is pretty unbelievable to me that I've had so much time to myself lately and am still not caught up on blogs and commenting or even writing so much on my own! I guess it is a busy 'job' to be lazing about the house.
In the ironic news department, as soon as I posted my 'rah rah exercise' post -- I sabotaged myself or something and haven't gotten back on my treadmill since! Yikes-- hypocrit alert. Well: y'all have seen that it has been a rather nutty week, what with my sister's surgery, my son and his little procedure etc etc, and the cramps have not exactly made me want to get jiggy on the treadmill 'neither.'
Though I do not have official word on the ultrasound/ sono, the tech told me that much of the fluid that they'd seen the last time appeared to be resolved and that I had a new 'follicle' forming on my ovary. Long story short: painful ovulation (or 'PMS' as my Gyn calls it) appears to be the diagnosis. So much to those 3 simple little letters. Bleh.
Bottom line: I've cried 'uncle' and am going on birth control pills starting after my next period. I am very hopeful that the pill will stop the madness with the cramps-- because as I write this at this MOMENT, I have fucking cramps. It is not so terrible at the moment, but not something I want to continue to live with. No way. This must stop.
Oh, and by the way, before I start anxiety spiraling all over again-- let me say this (more for my brain than for any of you)-- I've had 3 cycles of the same symptoms since April. Lest I think that some mysterious illness has struck, I've been under a doctor's care and no one is even very impressed with my medical tests! I just have an uncomfortable symptom that everyone with whom I've spoken with who knows anything about this said that the PILL is the answer. 'Nuff said. This almost 40 year old chica starts BC pills after her next period as per the doc.
I am so sick of complaining!!!
Anywho: my weight is doing that thing it does where it hovers in a new range and could be potentially frustrating and annoying. My new 'high' numeric is the 179 point whatever zone, and the lowest I've seen thus far is 177.5. C'mon 176... that'll be a fine day!
I'm sticking to my reward plan, and it will really mean something to me to give myself the subscription to "US magazine" when I reach 174. But at this rate, that is about 2 months away. Ok, whatever. This time last year, I was in the depths of hell about my weight-- and I'll take slow weight loss over worrying any day of the week.
Right?
Right.
Have a great weekend y'all-- I'm looking forward to a very UNcommitted week coming up!
And PS: tomorrow is my husband's 40th bday! Poor guy never catches a break, there's always something going on when it is his bday, and this time is is Father's day. Whatever. For his gift, I am taking him to "Mohonk Mountain House" for a romantic getaway.
Looking forward to it!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sister doing fine- thx!
I'm sitting here waiting for my pelvic sono and wanted to let y'all know my sister is doing fine. Came through @ 8.5 hours of surgery well- had her first meal in 36 hours and is posting to facebook! All good signs.
Actually: I spoke with her briefly last night and she said she felt like she got hit by a truck and I totally related. I recall that feeling after the simple lapband procedure.
So- let the healing begin.
As for me, I called my gyn this am b/c I cannot take the cramps anymore. I am crying 'mercy' and will go on the pill if that is the treatment of choice. Of course- I have a good 'ol anxiety spiral of all sorts of other pissible things that could be wrong- but chances are that this is hormones.
Gotta run- they called me for the test.
Actually: I spoke with her briefly last night and she said she felt like she got hit by a truck and I totally related. I recall that feeling after the simple lapband procedure.
So- let the healing begin.
As for me, I called my gyn this am b/c I cannot take the cramps anymore. I am crying 'mercy' and will go on the pill if that is the treatment of choice. Of course- I have a good 'ol anxiety spiral of all sorts of other pissible things that could be wrong- but chances are that this is hormones.
Gotta run- they called me for the test.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
One 'down'- one to go
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.
So my son's procedure went off without any (known) hitch. As it turns out- they gave him general anesthesia, not a lighter type of sedation. The general was so that they could have better airway access- IF needed. He was having a nasal procedure that was naturally going to cause bleeding. There needed to be no chances of airway issues.
I was comforted by their approach- and the center took excellent care of him and me.
We are presently at Chuck E. Cheese after a morning of rest at home.
As for my sister- she went into surgery around 6.30 am and at noon, the report was that things were going well and they'd removed her remaining implant, done a frozen section of her chest tissue to see if there was any malignancy (none found- benign), harvested the needed tissue and were turning her onto her back for the reconstruction.
We continue to wait out the next 5 to 7 hours.....
My eating has been atrocious/ deplorable etc. I guess I haven't totally kicked 'stress eating.'. But I'm ready to try to call it a 'day.'. The only things on my mind that continue to irritate are the continued crampiness, the sono I need tomorrow- and believe it or not- the luncheon that is planned in my hnoro tomorrow.
Believe me, it was so kind of some of my colleagues to do this+ but I am always so uncomfortable at things like this. I will try my best to relax and enjoy instead.
As for the cramps. I'm taking ibuprofen and tylenol (alternatively,) trying to keep very hydrated to ensure no liver issues and hoping they subside soon.
My mom suggested to me that all of the tension in the last few months may have made my hormones wacky- and I'm hoping that as I decompress- I'll feel better and better and won't have these cramps on the go forward.
I'm hardly ignoring the issue- I've been seen by several docs and no one thinks anything it severely wrong. More annoying than anything.
Wish me luck with getting rid of the cramps and continued health for my sister...
So my son's procedure went off without any (known) hitch. As it turns out- they gave him general anesthesia, not a lighter type of sedation. The general was so that they could have better airway access- IF needed. He was having a nasal procedure that was naturally going to cause bleeding. There needed to be no chances of airway issues.
I was comforted by their approach- and the center took excellent care of him and me.
We are presently at Chuck E. Cheese after a morning of rest at home.
As for my sister- she went into surgery around 6.30 am and at noon, the report was that things were going well and they'd removed her remaining implant, done a frozen section of her chest tissue to see if there was any malignancy (none found- benign), harvested the needed tissue and were turning her onto her back for the reconstruction.
We continue to wait out the next 5 to 7 hours.....
My eating has been atrocious/ deplorable etc. I guess I haven't totally kicked 'stress eating.'. But I'm ready to try to call it a 'day.'. The only things on my mind that continue to irritate are the continued crampiness, the sono I need tomorrow- and believe it or not- the luncheon that is planned in my hnoro tomorrow.
Believe me, it was so kind of some of my colleagues to do this+ but I am always so uncomfortable at things like this. I will try my best to relax and enjoy instead.
As for the cramps. I'm taking ibuprofen and tylenol (alternatively,) trying to keep very hydrated to ensure no liver issues and hoping they subside soon.
My mom suggested to me that all of the tension in the last few months may have made my hormones wacky- and I'm hoping that as I decompress- I'll feel better and better and won't have these cramps on the go forward.
I'm hardly ignoring the issue- I've been seen by several docs and no one thinks anything it severely wrong. More annoying than anything.
Wish me luck with getting rid of the cramps and continued health for my sister...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Insert title here
I cannot seem to get off the block with this post because there is alot of stuff going around in my brain.
I usually have quite the gift of writing 'gab' but today is just hard.
I've been trolling around the blogs and avoiding posting but I always like to update so here goes:
In my family, we have 2 medical things coming up-- and I don't want to really get too nutty about either, even though they are both things that get me a bit worried...
1) My son is having a little procedure under anesthesia tomorrow. He has a large superficial blood vessel (inside) in his nose and he has freqent nose bleeds. The ENT tried to cauterize the vessel in the office, but it was too painful and my son couldn't hold still for the procedure. (Poor baby.)
Hence, he will have light sedation and have the vessel cauterized under sedation and the whole procedure ought to take 15 minutes, but it scares a mommy to death to hand a child over to anyone medical and have him put under anesthesia.
I've checked out the place, spoken with them several times and know that all of the needed safety precautions are in place. My son will have a separate doc administering the anesthesia (the spelling of that word is escaping me right now)-- and the ENT will do the procedure.
Y'all: this is a MUST in a surgical center. Let me take a moment to tell each of you that if you or a loved one is ever having a procedure of any type where sedation will be given in a SURGICAL CENTER (rather than a hospital) PLEASE ensure that there is a separate anesthesiologist. If the doc who is doing the procedure is also administering the sedation-- RUN, do not walk, away from that place.
Surgical centers are less monitored than hospitals and can be very safe-- but because of less monitoring-- they can get away with BAD THINGS. If you have questions, let me know and I will explain more.
End of PSA. Back to my life:
The anesthesiologist (another spelling nightmare!!) is PALS certified-- and is a Pediatric specialist. I've asked the horrible question about if there was an emergency, would they call 911 (yes) and what hospital would they go to if medical assist was needed beyone the surgical center's purview and how far (5 minutes ambulance ride.)
Writing this gives me angst.
We have to do it and I am looking on the bright side-- my son NEEDS to have this done, his quality of life will be better afterwards and I believe that I am putting him in safe hands. As I said above, I've done the research, had the needed discussions-- and ... I'm still scared.
2) My sister will be ungoing an approximately 9 hour reconstructive breast surgery tomorrow. You may recall that she had a terrible burn on her chest (over an implant that she had after breast cancer.) Well, this burn has been being treated for months, including wound care, a wound vac, and hyperbaric treatment. All culminating in her needing a full SGAP (I think it is called) procedure to totally reconstruct her chest so that she will have skin to cover her breast area AND so that she will have a good cosmetic result.
This is NOT cosmetic surgery-- it is major vascular and reconstructive surgery where they will be taking skin and tissue from over her buttocks (which will result in a butt lift for her-- she already has a perfect body, but now she'll have an even HIGHER butt!) and reconstructing breast tissue from that tissue.
I have quite a bit of medical background and I barely understand the particulars-- except that it is a long and complicated procedure.
The end run is that she will have 2 breasts made out of her very own body tissue and no more impants. It will cover the skin 'hole' she has in her chest (sorry if gross) that has healed over from the wound treatments but has left her with a cosmetic deformity.
Enough.
Do you see why I didn't want to write all of this???
I really didn't want to say it all, and I don't mean to be having a "worry about me, pity me" party-- just being honest about what is going on.
I am actually in a pretty good place emotionally about everything-- and have been having time to rest up and recharge lately-- so I am OK. There is actually nothing to PITY at all (re: pity party)-- I don't mean to be attention whoring, I guess that is what I'm saying.
I expect that tomorrow will be a short morning for us at the surgery center (hopefully will be done by not later than around 8 am, since my son is called to be there at 6.30am.) Want to laugh? The surgical coordinator told me that either my husband or I MUST stay on site during the whole procedure-- no leaving.
WHAT??? Are you JOKING? Wild horses wouldn't drag me away from the place. If I could be in the room during the procedure, I probably would be (though I might be horrified and pass out from fear and anxiety.) That was a bit of comic relief though. What parent would LEAVE a surgical center while a 5 year old was having a 15 minute procedure for God's sake??? Lord.
I've digressed again.
Anyhow: so the morning will be short and then we'll have a long day waiting on news of my sister.
Fortuantely: she is a healthy, strong woman who is extremely physically fit. When she had her double mastectomy (granted, she was 36 and now she is 44, but still...) she woke RIGHT UP after anesthesia and amazed all of her doctors by moving her arms about and being totally with it in a way that was very remarkable.
My sister is one strong bitch and will be fine. But I can't help but be anxious for her.
I don't know how to stop this anxiety spiral post so I will end here.
Please keep my son and my sister in your thoughts for tomorrow-- I know it will all be OK but it is nice to know that good vibes will be sent as well.
Peace.
I usually have quite the gift of writing 'gab' but today is just hard.
I've been trolling around the blogs and avoiding posting but I always like to update so here goes:
In my family, we have 2 medical things coming up-- and I don't want to really get too nutty about either, even though they are both things that get me a bit worried...
1) My son is having a little procedure under anesthesia tomorrow. He has a large superficial blood vessel (inside) in his nose and he has freqent nose bleeds. The ENT tried to cauterize the vessel in the office, but it was too painful and my son couldn't hold still for the procedure. (Poor baby.)
Hence, he will have light sedation and have the vessel cauterized under sedation and the whole procedure ought to take 15 minutes, but it scares a mommy to death to hand a child over to anyone medical and have him put under anesthesia.
I've checked out the place, spoken with them several times and know that all of the needed safety precautions are in place. My son will have a separate doc administering the anesthesia (the spelling of that word is escaping me right now)-- and the ENT will do the procedure.
Y'all: this is a MUST in a surgical center. Let me take a moment to tell each of you that if you or a loved one is ever having a procedure of any type where sedation will be given in a SURGICAL CENTER (rather than a hospital) PLEASE ensure that there is a separate anesthesiologist. If the doc who is doing the procedure is also administering the sedation-- RUN, do not walk, away from that place.
Surgical centers are less monitored than hospitals and can be very safe-- but because of less monitoring-- they can get away with BAD THINGS. If you have questions, let me know and I will explain more.
End of PSA. Back to my life:
The anesthesiologist (another spelling nightmare!!) is PALS certified-- and is a Pediatric specialist. I've asked the horrible question about if there was an emergency, would they call 911 (yes) and what hospital would they go to if medical assist was needed beyone the surgical center's purview and how far (5 minutes ambulance ride.)
Writing this gives me angst.
We have to do it and I am looking on the bright side-- my son NEEDS to have this done, his quality of life will be better afterwards and I believe that I am putting him in safe hands. As I said above, I've done the research, had the needed discussions-- and ... I'm still scared.
2) My sister will be ungoing an approximately 9 hour reconstructive breast surgery tomorrow. You may recall that she had a terrible burn on her chest (over an implant that she had after breast cancer.) Well, this burn has been being treated for months, including wound care, a wound vac, and hyperbaric treatment. All culminating in her needing a full SGAP (I think it is called) procedure to totally reconstruct her chest so that she will have skin to cover her breast area AND so that she will have a good cosmetic result.
This is NOT cosmetic surgery-- it is major vascular and reconstructive surgery where they will be taking skin and tissue from over her buttocks (which will result in a butt lift for her-- she already has a perfect body, but now she'll have an even HIGHER butt!) and reconstructing breast tissue from that tissue.
I have quite a bit of medical background and I barely understand the particulars-- except that it is a long and complicated procedure.
The end run is that she will have 2 breasts made out of her very own body tissue and no more impants. It will cover the skin 'hole' she has in her chest (sorry if gross) that has healed over from the wound treatments but has left her with a cosmetic deformity.
Enough.
Do you see why I didn't want to write all of this???
I really didn't want to say it all, and I don't mean to be having a "worry about me, pity me" party-- just being honest about what is going on.
I am actually in a pretty good place emotionally about everything-- and have been having time to rest up and recharge lately-- so I am OK. There is actually nothing to PITY at all (re: pity party)-- I don't mean to be attention whoring, I guess that is what I'm saying.
I expect that tomorrow will be a short morning for us at the surgery center (hopefully will be done by not later than around 8 am, since my son is called to be there at 6.30am.) Want to laugh? The surgical coordinator told me that either my husband or I MUST stay on site during the whole procedure-- no leaving.
WHAT??? Are you JOKING? Wild horses wouldn't drag me away from the place. If I could be in the room during the procedure, I probably would be (though I might be horrified and pass out from fear and anxiety.) That was a bit of comic relief though. What parent would LEAVE a surgical center while a 5 year old was having a 15 minute procedure for God's sake??? Lord.
I've digressed again.
Anyhow: so the morning will be short and then we'll have a long day waiting on news of my sister.
Fortuantely: she is a healthy, strong woman who is extremely physically fit. When she had her double mastectomy (granted, she was 36 and now she is 44, but still...) she woke RIGHT UP after anesthesia and amazed all of her doctors by moving her arms about and being totally with it in a way that was very remarkable.
My sister is one strong bitch and will be fine. But I can't help but be anxious for her.
I don't know how to stop this anxiety spiral post so I will end here.
Please keep my son and my sister in your thoughts for tomorrow-- I know it will all be OK but it is nice to know that good vibes will be sent as well.
Peace.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Surprising news on Pizza...
Last evening, I took my son out for a slice of pizza for dinner-- and I went for my own slice. I've been avoiding pizza like the plague since banding, but I gave it a shot.
And it worked (for me!)
I ordered a slice of chicken parm pizza (the place we went to doesn't slather the slice with it, just small chunks of chopped chicken parm.) I ate slowly-- very very slowly, and I chewed like crazy, and it went down fine. AND: it was filling and satisfying.
I'm adding pizza back to my repetoire! Not for nothing, I was NEVER a huge pizza eater at all-- but I have always felt that it is a relatively perfect diet food. ONE slice of pizza has protein, carbs, and even some veggies (if you count the marinara sauce OR even better, add veggies like onions, mushrooms, spinach etc.) It's all good as far as I'm concerned. Even if it is a 400 calorie slice-- that's fine for a meal for me. After all, I average 2 'real' meals per day, so it winds up being a good choice.
I was more careful yesterday with my eating and drinking water-- and the scale responded nicely: 178.5.
I'll never be a quick loser, y'all, but that's around 1 pound down since my fill. I'm good with that and if I could sustain this pace-- I would be losing a pound a week! We shall see-- I am just happy to know that I am not stalled. As long as I am losing weight, any weight, over periods of time, I'm not going to complain, I'm not going to kill myself and I'm NOT GOING TO DIET. NO NO NO!
I also had a great day of exercise activity-- and may I repeat: I am NOT doing this with the notion of losing more weight. Exercising with the intent of burning alot of calories is a bad road for me. I just wind up hungry and wanting "rewards" for all of my "hard work." Taking the 'easy road' with exercise is the only way for a compulsive like me!
So: I walked on the treadmill yesterday AND had a nice 45 minute game of tennis with my hubs. He kicked my butt, as per usual-- but I am really getting to be better at tennis. I'm lighter on my feet (obviously) that I've been in some time, and I'm just getting the rhythm down for better playing. I LOVE playing tennis-- have I mentioned that many times in the past?
I don't know about you all-- but I have always loved to be active. (I am not trying to rub this in, really.) I'd like to offer advice for getting moving to any of you all who need it so here goes.
JUST DO IT. But DON'T over exert yourself. Let's just say that you are a total couch potato.... if that is the case, and walking to the fridge is about the only exercise you've been getting, even post band-- then I suggest taking a 10 minute walk once EVERY other day for 4 weeks. If you can commit to this little tiny activity (you can even stand in front of your TV and march in place-- gently) for TEN MEASLY minutes, I can guarrantee that you will build confidence in your ability and desire to exercise.
The same thing goes for no matter what level you are at. For me: since I've been SO stressed and over-committed for the past 6 months, I'm just getting back to exercise through gentle walking and fun activities (eg: tennis.) This is working for me. But, I have to say that I have literally YEARS of exercising under my belt, and I am very confident about my abilities. You don't HAVE TO BE confident to learn to exercise, what you need to be is a LITTLE BIT committed to trying it out.
Gen (I heart the band) and I agreed many months ago that we each have a library of diet books-- and I believe each of us planned NOT to buy too many more in our futures. But I do recommend one book that could also inspire you to exercise. It is called "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl."
Here is the website:
http://www.formerfatgirl.com/
The author lost weight over a number of years-- and she overcame her weight problem. She started losing through EXERCISE. And her book is a roadmap to beginning exercise.
Caveat emptor: I don't agree with the potential message that comes across from the book-- that if you exercise alot, your pants will begin to fall off of you. That never happened to me. (I just ate more to compensate when I exercised more!) But she is a great exercise advocate-- and I think that combined with the band, exercise can be a powerful tool to improving your healthy lifestyle.
OK, I'm getting off my soapbox now and hoping that we all get off our butts as much as possible and move our bodies-- to our health!
And it worked (for me!)
I ordered a slice of chicken parm pizza (the place we went to doesn't slather the slice with it, just small chunks of chopped chicken parm.) I ate slowly-- very very slowly, and I chewed like crazy, and it went down fine. AND: it was filling and satisfying.
I'm adding pizza back to my repetoire! Not for nothing, I was NEVER a huge pizza eater at all-- but I have always felt that it is a relatively perfect diet food. ONE slice of pizza has protein, carbs, and even some veggies (if you count the marinara sauce OR even better, add veggies like onions, mushrooms, spinach etc.) It's all good as far as I'm concerned. Even if it is a 400 calorie slice-- that's fine for a meal for me. After all, I average 2 'real' meals per day, so it winds up being a good choice.
I was more careful yesterday with my eating and drinking water-- and the scale responded nicely: 178.5.
I'll never be a quick loser, y'all, but that's around 1 pound down since my fill. I'm good with that and if I could sustain this pace-- I would be losing a pound a week! We shall see-- I am just happy to know that I am not stalled. As long as I am losing weight, any weight, over periods of time, I'm not going to complain, I'm not going to kill myself and I'm NOT GOING TO DIET. NO NO NO!
I also had a great day of exercise activity-- and may I repeat: I am NOT doing this with the notion of losing more weight. Exercising with the intent of burning alot of calories is a bad road for me. I just wind up hungry and wanting "rewards" for all of my "hard work." Taking the 'easy road' with exercise is the only way for a compulsive like me!
So: I walked on the treadmill yesterday AND had a nice 45 minute game of tennis with my hubs. He kicked my butt, as per usual-- but I am really getting to be better at tennis. I'm lighter on my feet (obviously) that I've been in some time, and I'm just getting the rhythm down for better playing. I LOVE playing tennis-- have I mentioned that many times in the past?
I don't know about you all-- but I have always loved to be active. (I am not trying to rub this in, really.) I'd like to offer advice for getting moving to any of you all who need it so here goes.
JUST DO IT. But DON'T over exert yourself. Let's just say that you are a total couch potato.... if that is the case, and walking to the fridge is about the only exercise you've been getting, even post band-- then I suggest taking a 10 minute walk once EVERY other day for 4 weeks. If you can commit to this little tiny activity (you can even stand in front of your TV and march in place-- gently) for TEN MEASLY minutes, I can guarrantee that you will build confidence in your ability and desire to exercise.
The same thing goes for no matter what level you are at. For me: since I've been SO stressed and over-committed for the past 6 months, I'm just getting back to exercise through gentle walking and fun activities (eg: tennis.) This is working for me. But, I have to say that I have literally YEARS of exercising under my belt, and I am very confident about my abilities. You don't HAVE TO BE confident to learn to exercise, what you need to be is a LITTLE BIT committed to trying it out.
Gen (I heart the band) and I agreed many months ago that we each have a library of diet books-- and I believe each of us planned NOT to buy too many more in our futures. But I do recommend one book that could also inspire you to exercise. It is called "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl."
Here is the website:
http://www.formerfatgirl.com/
The author lost weight over a number of years-- and she overcame her weight problem. She started losing through EXERCISE. And her book is a roadmap to beginning exercise.
Caveat emptor: I don't agree with the potential message that comes across from the book-- that if you exercise alot, your pants will begin to fall off of you. That never happened to me. (I just ate more to compensate when I exercised more!) But she is a great exercise advocate-- and I think that combined with the band, exercise can be a powerful tool to improving your healthy lifestyle.
OK, I'm getting off my soapbox now and hoping that we all get off our butts as much as possible and move our bodies-- to our health!
Monday, June 14, 2010
The post that never was
Updated: Exercise for today-- 40 minutes treadmill walk; 45 minutes of tennis
I must not have been destined to post what I have tried to post twice this morning!
I don't even believe in destiny-- but there it is.
Here is what I said in a nutshell:
1) My cramps are back and I am annoyed. I am having a pelvic sonogram on Friday to see whether the unspecified (and non-worrying) fluid resolved around my ovary. I have been declared to look very healthy by 3 separate docs (2 GYN's-- one covering during the 'cyst' incident, and my regular doc AND my internist, whom I saw for my annual physical on Friday.) So I should shut up and stop worrying and just deal with it.
*Note, my gyn said that the standard treatment for hormonal difficulties is the birth control pill- but knowing I've had the Lap band, she discouraged me unless I really couldn't cope with the cramps and they interferred with my daily life. I'm gonna try to stay OFF BC pills. I don't want the accompanying weight gain (she said it was inevitable-- only water weight, but still discouraging.)
2) Speaking of water weight gain, I ate a bunch of olives yesterday and kaboom, the scale is saying 179/ 180 this morning. Screw you scale. OK, the scale is just an inanimate object, but doesn't it just SEEM like the Devil sometimes?
Ack.
I'm really glad that you never saw the posts that never were, b/c they were signficantly more dark and dismal than this rather 'lighthearted in comparison' post.
I'm actually feeling better from the crampy-ness with a couple of tylenol-- strangely, ibuprofen doesn't really help. Odd. Whatever: as long as I am basically free from discomfort-- I will go along my merry way and enjoy my next few weeks of peace.
I am happy to have this time to recharge my batteries. My mental energy is renewing gradually (with the very occasional bout of moodiness about what transpired.) I am finding the energy to think about projects around my home, want to go shopping, AND most significantly: get back onto the treadmill for a daily walk. I am THIRLLED about this one.
When I start at my new place, I will probably have to leave home at around 8am on weekdays (a VAST improvement over 6:30 am or EARLIER before.) That means that this early riser will have time for a 30 minute treadmill workout EVERY day-- and that is my goal to work up to. I'd like to 'routinize' the exercise again so that my day doesn't feel complete without it. I don't mean to be running or exerting very much-- just getting a nice daily walk in on the mornings. This is the goal.
And: I am happy to say that while weight loss is certain to be stimulated on one level (not tremendously-- but a little) by a little bit of added exercise-- THAT is NOT my goal. I am not looking to lose any MORE weight through the exercise- though it would be welcomed. The exercise is simply a stress management, health-inducing, all around healthy habit that I want in my life. Now THAT is band success.
Do you know why? Maybe it is obvious-- but I'll say it anyway (I've said it a thousand times before...)
I'm not scheming about ways to help me lose weight-- I'm not at war with my body. I see my body as a good machine that is doing its best and has always 'been there' for me! I want to help myself and my body feel good and treat myself right. The band is helping me to help my body by shedding the unnecessary and extra weight I've carried-- and I don't need to pound my joints and overexercise to elicit additional weight loss.
I just want to do what is right and good for me and feel blessed about it.
Once again, I am truly grateful that my previous posts were lost-- I was able to exorcise some demons without having to be such a negative nelly to y'all. Instead: you're getting all the best of what I've got to say this morning.
Cheers!
I must not have been destined to post what I have tried to post twice this morning!
I don't even believe in destiny-- but there it is.
Here is what I said in a nutshell:
1) My cramps are back and I am annoyed. I am having a pelvic sonogram on Friday to see whether the unspecified (and non-worrying) fluid resolved around my ovary. I have been declared to look very healthy by 3 separate docs (2 GYN's-- one covering during the 'cyst' incident, and my regular doc AND my internist, whom I saw for my annual physical on Friday.) So I should shut up and stop worrying and just deal with it.
*Note, my gyn said that the standard treatment for hormonal difficulties is the birth control pill- but knowing I've had the Lap band, she discouraged me unless I really couldn't cope with the cramps and they interferred with my daily life. I'm gonna try to stay OFF BC pills. I don't want the accompanying weight gain (she said it was inevitable-- only water weight, but still discouraging.)
2) Speaking of water weight gain, I ate a bunch of olives yesterday and kaboom, the scale is saying 179/ 180 this morning. Screw you scale. OK, the scale is just an inanimate object, but doesn't it just SEEM like the Devil sometimes?
Ack.
I'm really glad that you never saw the posts that never were, b/c they were signficantly more dark and dismal than this rather 'lighthearted in comparison' post.
I'm actually feeling better from the crampy-ness with a couple of tylenol-- strangely, ibuprofen doesn't really help. Odd. Whatever: as long as I am basically free from discomfort-- I will go along my merry way and enjoy my next few weeks of peace.
I am happy to have this time to recharge my batteries. My mental energy is renewing gradually (with the very occasional bout of moodiness about what transpired.) I am finding the energy to think about projects around my home, want to go shopping, AND most significantly: get back onto the treadmill for a daily walk. I am THIRLLED about this one.
When I start at my new place, I will probably have to leave home at around 8am on weekdays (a VAST improvement over 6:30 am or EARLIER before.) That means that this early riser will have time for a 30 minute treadmill workout EVERY day-- and that is my goal to work up to. I'd like to 'routinize' the exercise again so that my day doesn't feel complete without it. I don't mean to be running or exerting very much-- just getting a nice daily walk in on the mornings. This is the goal.
And: I am happy to say that while weight loss is certain to be stimulated on one level (not tremendously-- but a little) by a little bit of added exercise-- THAT is NOT my goal. I am not looking to lose any MORE weight through the exercise- though it would be welcomed. The exercise is simply a stress management, health-inducing, all around healthy habit that I want in my life. Now THAT is band success.
Do you know why? Maybe it is obvious-- but I'll say it anyway (I've said it a thousand times before...)
I'm not scheming about ways to help me lose weight-- I'm not at war with my body. I see my body as a good machine that is doing its best and has always 'been there' for me! I want to help myself and my body feel good and treat myself right. The band is helping me to help my body by shedding the unnecessary and extra weight I've carried-- and I don't need to pound my joints and overexercise to elicit additional weight loss.
I just want to do what is right and good for me and feel blessed about it.
Once again, I am truly grateful that my previous posts were lost-- I was able to exorcise some demons without having to be such a negative nelly to y'all. Instead: you're getting all the best of what I've got to say this morning.
Cheers!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
178.6-- I'll take it
I'm happy to see a new number! Things are moving along. It is UNbelievably slow on some level, but again, I'm not dieting. Can I really complain?
I am still processing through the last several months and having lots of feelings come up about it... still sort of emotionally exhausted from recent upheavals. So: I was in a terrible mood yesterday afternoon-- but feeling better this AM.
I want to get to your blogs and say hello-- but if I don't get there right away, I am doing a lot more reading than commenting and appreciate all of the comments I've been having. Thank you!!
I am still processing through the last several months and having lots of feelings come up about it... still sort of emotionally exhausted from recent upheavals. So: I was in a terrible mood yesterday afternoon-- but feeling better this AM.
I want to get to your blogs and say hello-- but if I don't get there right away, I am doing a lot more reading than commenting and appreciate all of the comments I've been having. Thank you!!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I am so happy!
Wow, John Goodman is a weight loss rock star!
Check out the newly slimmed John Goodman!
I hope you clicked or have seen John Goodman's new svelte physique. I am so happy for him-- and I am also going to note something about the 'new' me. In the past, I would have been threatened, jealous, and frightened when I saw this weight loss. It would have had all sorts of weird references to me that really didn't even apply.
I would have taken it personally and thought to myself that I SO need to lose weight, what am I going to do, what did HE do to take the weight off. I might have even thought, "well, he must have had surgery-- and that is something that is not for me." Not anymore!
Now, I am purely happy for this wonderful actor to regain his health. He looks so good and is obviously so much better off with so much weight off of him. No envy, no jealousy, no threats to me and thoughts of how I will EVER GET THIS WEIGHT OFF.
Thank you Band!
Today's weight-- 179/ 178.9.
I guess I am continuing my snail's pace of weight loss-- it seems that I am losing somewhere between .5 and .4 of pound per week-- but the weight continues to come off. I will take it. I just keep watching the numbers go down in miniscule amounts and keep re-upping my patience. It's truly, there was a month long stall in there-- but overall, it seems that around 2 pounds a month will be the way.
I saw my internist yesterday, and I was 16 pounds down from last May (I weighed 180 on his scales.) It was actually the visit to him in May 2009 that got me thinking about more extreme measures. At that time, I was at 196 and found that my cholesterol was at a total of 205. I asked how I could get the cholesterol down and he said, very matter of factly: "Lose some weight, ANY weight." That did it. I was now in the realm of weight affecting my health. I was scared and had enough. That began the journey that ultimately led me to know that I HAD to go for more help-- and eventually led me to the band.
[If you are confused about my weight history, I gained up to 203 before starting the pre-op diet from that May-- so much for dieting. And hoorah/ boo for 'last supper eating' before the band. Bleh.]
Anyhow: motherhood calls, more later...
Check out the newly slimmed John Goodman!
I hope you clicked or have seen John Goodman's new svelte physique. I am so happy for him-- and I am also going to note something about the 'new' me. In the past, I would have been threatened, jealous, and frightened when I saw this weight loss. It would have had all sorts of weird references to me that really didn't even apply.
I would have taken it personally and thought to myself that I SO need to lose weight, what am I going to do, what did HE do to take the weight off. I might have even thought, "well, he must have had surgery-- and that is something that is not for me." Not anymore!
Now, I am purely happy for this wonderful actor to regain his health. He looks so good and is obviously so much better off with so much weight off of him. No envy, no jealousy, no threats to me and thoughts of how I will EVER GET THIS WEIGHT OFF.
Thank you Band!
Today's weight-- 179/ 178.9.
I guess I am continuing my snail's pace of weight loss-- it seems that I am losing somewhere between .5 and .4 of pound per week-- but the weight continues to come off. I will take it. I just keep watching the numbers go down in miniscule amounts and keep re-upping my patience. It's truly, there was a month long stall in there-- but overall, it seems that around 2 pounds a month will be the way.
I saw my internist yesterday, and I was 16 pounds down from last May (I weighed 180 on his scales.) It was actually the visit to him in May 2009 that got me thinking about more extreme measures. At that time, I was at 196 and found that my cholesterol was at a total of 205. I asked how I could get the cholesterol down and he said, very matter of factly: "Lose some weight, ANY weight." That did it. I was now in the realm of weight affecting my health. I was scared and had enough. That began the journey that ultimately led me to know that I HAD to go for more help-- and eventually led me to the band.
[If you are confused about my weight history, I gained up to 203 before starting the pre-op diet from that May-- so much for dieting. And hoorah/ boo for 'last supper eating' before the band. Bleh.]
Anyhow: motherhood calls, more later...
Friday, June 11, 2010
No more mysteries!!
I do apologize, once again, to have been and continue to be so mysterious about all the stuff going on in my life... it is just a precaution and frankly, I realize from some conversations with others that it is best to avoid discussing anything about the aspects of my life that are not my inward feelings or about recreational or band time. I'm going to try, much as it is difficult, to just avoid discussions about anything other than that so that it is not an annoying mystery fest to read my blog.
Do not fear, dear readers, I do hope that my blog will remain fun and interesting... I have plenty tocomplain talk about relative to my band right now. Got on the scale this AM and was 179.
Now: I know that 179 really isn't much to complain about, after all. I guess I am inching out of the 180's for good-- but I just hoped that this fill would be more dramatic in terms of taking the weight off. Not so.
Yesterday, DH and I walked about 5 miles together-- it was lovely. We walked all the way into a nearby town in a winding route... and then we had a bit of lunch and and waited out a heavy rain downpour, and we walked back. It it heavenly to get to spend time with DH like this-- I am going have some additional free time in the next several weeks due to arrangements we've made. This will be a great re-charge time for me before I go on to the next placement.
Here is a band observation that is quite strange if I compare it to the average-- and it is frustrating to me too:
I am MUCH tighter at night than I am at any other time of day. I typically find myself getting stuck (and sometimes wind up with a small PB or 2 if not very careful) at DINNERTIME. Goddamnit. This USED to be my relaxation time when I would sit down and enjoy a meal with the family. I guess I need to accept things and move on that dinner is just not the same anymore.
I also feel like getting into more of a routine might help to move things along weight loss wise. I was talking to Jennyr and we seemed to agree that we don't each much early in the day-- but I wait until far later in the day to eat something. I usually don't have a solid until 1 or 2pm on most days. It just works out that way... too busy with other stuff and somewhat actively 'not eating' and taking advantage of morning band tightness to skip the breakfast meal. But I am thinking that this might not be wise b/c it probably DOES slow up my metabolism to some extent. I am thinking that an egg with a sprinkle of cheese in the AM would work well and I want to try it.
Of course, today I cannot. I have a full physical scheduled for 2:30pm and I am meant to be fasting for the physical (so that when they take blood it will not be fouled up by eating something sugary or whatever.) So, really nothing to eat until post blood-work. I'll take a protein bar to have after the doc's appointment.
I'm hoping that in the next week or so, I will have enough re-surgence of my energies to start commenting more on y'all's blogs. I've appreciated so much of your support in the last few months.
Gotta go-- my son just appeared!!! more soon...
Do not fear, dear readers, I do hope that my blog will remain fun and interesting... I have plenty to
Now: I know that 179 really isn't much to complain about, after all. I guess I am inching out of the 180's for good-- but I just hoped that this fill would be more dramatic in terms of taking the weight off. Not so.
Yesterday, DH and I walked about 5 miles together-- it was lovely. We walked all the way into a nearby town in a winding route... and then we had a bit of lunch and and waited out a heavy rain downpour, and we walked back. It it heavenly to get to spend time with DH like this-- I am going have some additional free time in the next several weeks due to arrangements we've made. This will be a great re-charge time for me before I go on to the next placement.
Here is a band observation that is quite strange if I compare it to the average-- and it is frustrating to me too:
I am MUCH tighter at night than I am at any other time of day. I typically find myself getting stuck (and sometimes wind up with a small PB or 2 if not very careful) at DINNERTIME. Goddamnit. This USED to be my relaxation time when I would sit down and enjoy a meal with the family. I guess I need to accept things and move on that dinner is just not the same anymore.
I also feel like getting into more of a routine might help to move things along weight loss wise. I was talking to Jennyr and we seemed to agree that we don't each much early in the day-- but I wait until far later in the day to eat something. I usually don't have a solid until 1 or 2pm on most days. It just works out that way... too busy with other stuff and somewhat actively 'not eating' and taking advantage of morning band tightness to skip the breakfast meal. But I am thinking that this might not be wise b/c it probably DOES slow up my metabolism to some extent. I am thinking that an egg with a sprinkle of cheese in the AM would work well and I want to try it.
Of course, today I cannot. I have a full physical scheduled for 2:30pm and I am meant to be fasting for the physical (so that when they take blood it will not be fouled up by eating something sugary or whatever.) So, really nothing to eat until post blood-work. I'll take a protein bar to have after the doc's appointment.
I'm hoping that in the next week or so, I will have enough re-surgence of my energies to start commenting more on y'all's blogs. I've appreciated so much of your support in the last few months.
Gotta go-- my son just appeared!!! more soon...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Things are calm
Everything is all sorted with the POV. I cannot say more b/c of privacy issues and the need to keep things in line for the next opportunity. Suffice it to say: this will be a very quiet and relaxing few weeks.
Today, I got on the scale in the am and saw 180--but a bit later in the am, got on again and was 177.7! C'mon fill !
I have been a very good band girl and am on mushies today. I have eaten barely ANYTHING, so 177.7 seems more fair and I'm posting it on my ticker. I can't wait to get out of the 'obese' range into overweight... not sure if this will take me there.
Anyway: I am so happy with everything and feeling much more relaxed. It is ALL GOOD!!
Today, I got on the scale in the am and saw 180--but a bit later in the am, got on again and was 177.7! C'mon fill !
I have been a very good band girl and am on mushies today. I have eaten barely ANYTHING, so 177.7 seems more fair and I'm posting it on my ticker. I can't wait to get out of the 'obese' range into overweight... not sure if this will take me there.
Anyway: I am so happy with everything and feeling much more relaxed. It is ALL GOOD!!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Fill time
I've got alot to tell you guys about the POV, b/c even though I've made my exit known, Captain Unreasonable has gone from bad to worse. Call in the employment lawyers (fortunately, my mother is one, and will be likely to be calling HR for me today.) I can't even tell you it all.... but when it's over, maybe I'll say more.
Enough about CU-- who cares, whatever happens, there are 4 more weeks (though this is as surprising as an end as I could have imagined.) I guess I am SO important that my departure is causing some sort of psychotic and narcissistic breakdown?
So: I saw Dr. Ren yesterday, and my weight was UP a pound from my last visit (where I saw Dr. Fielding and he loosened my band some.) Dr. Ren was her typical supportive and kind self-- not worried about a thing and we negotiated a .3 fill. She likes to be very conservative, but the last time I got just .2 from her- it really didn't have much of any effect.
I asked her about my rate of weight loss-- stating that I'd read Barb's article where the surgeon stated that your band is not considered well adjusted if you're not losing 2pounds per week! Wha?
She said it is like a 'bell curve' and some people lose slower and some lose faster... and if I'd started out weighing 500 pounds, and wasn't losing 2 pounds per week, then she'd be worried. But I didn't and I'm not-- so whatever and forget it. She reminded me not to get crazy about the scale and to pay attention to how my clothes were fitting. Good advice, the clothes are loosening up and I know I'm going in the right direction.
Also, I ran into our blogger pal, "Life's little Journey" right in the office-- awesome to see her. We had a big hug in the hallway and time for a quick visit to Dunkin Donuts (where I got my latte, see below.) Great, great to see her-- despite the fact that she's had a slow weight loss month, her overall progress is outstanding and she looks AMAZING. (J-- you should be so proud of you!!)
I congratulate myself on being a VERY good girl in following the post-fill instructions. I had ONLY liquids yesterday and will do my best to stay on liquids for the better part of today before graduating to 2 days of mushies. With all of my most RECENT stress, it is hard to say whether the band killed my hunger or if the stress did it, but yesterday was like a starvation diet, but without the hunger. Check this out:
What I ate yesterday:
Coffee with milk
Water
Dunkin Donuts regular milk medium latte
Water
1 Campbell's creamy tomato 'soup at hand'
1 glass of red wine (probably 8 oz)
That's it!
I just wasn't even very motivated to try to get in a protein shake or whatever-- but maybe I will try today. I kind of consider my lattes to be a protein shot b/c of the high milk content. Besides, this is only another day of liquids-- and if I don't care to have very much to eat, I'll just stay hydrated and hope that this kick starts my weight loss.
Green zone, please be mine.
Enough about CU-- who cares, whatever happens, there are 4 more weeks (though this is as surprising as an end as I could have imagined.) I guess I am SO important that my departure is causing some sort of psychotic and narcissistic breakdown?
So: I saw Dr. Ren yesterday, and my weight was UP a pound from my last visit (where I saw Dr. Fielding and he loosened my band some.) Dr. Ren was her typical supportive and kind self-- not worried about a thing and we negotiated a .3 fill. She likes to be very conservative, but the last time I got just .2 from her- it really didn't have much of any effect.
I asked her about my rate of weight loss-- stating that I'd read Barb's article where the surgeon stated that your band is not considered well adjusted if you're not losing 2pounds per week! Wha?
She said it is like a 'bell curve' and some people lose slower and some lose faster... and if I'd started out weighing 500 pounds, and wasn't losing 2 pounds per week, then she'd be worried. But I didn't and I'm not-- so whatever and forget it. She reminded me not to get crazy about the scale and to pay attention to how my clothes were fitting. Good advice, the clothes are loosening up and I know I'm going in the right direction.
Also, I ran into our blogger pal, "Life's little Journey" right in the office-- awesome to see her. We had a big hug in the hallway and time for a quick visit to Dunkin Donuts (where I got my latte, see below.) Great, great to see her-- despite the fact that she's had a slow weight loss month, her overall progress is outstanding and she looks AMAZING. (J-- you should be so proud of you!!)
I congratulate myself on being a VERY good girl in following the post-fill instructions. I had ONLY liquids yesterday and will do my best to stay on liquids for the better part of today before graduating to 2 days of mushies. With all of my most RECENT stress, it is hard to say whether the band killed my hunger or if the stress did it, but yesterday was like a starvation diet, but without the hunger. Check this out:
What I ate yesterday:
Coffee with milk
Water
Dunkin Donuts regular milk medium latte
Water
1 Campbell's creamy tomato 'soup at hand'
1 glass of red wine (probably 8 oz)
That's it!
I just wasn't even very motivated to try to get in a protein shake or whatever-- but maybe I will try today. I kind of consider my lattes to be a protein shot b/c of the high milk content. Besides, this is only another day of liquids-- and if I don't care to have very much to eat, I'll just stay hydrated and hope that this kick starts my weight loss.
Green zone, please be mine.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Pearl of wisdom
Just wanted to share a couple of band observations before bed:
1) My band really DOES get tighter right around my period, have had a couple of PB's today on stuff that usually goes down fine (like an omelette, WTF??)
2) I really need to be careful about eating with others-- I tend to eat faster when I am with other people. I mean, I literally seem to be shovelling food in faster-- then I don't chew enough and WHAMO, Stuck. Bleh.
3) I never can tell when my band is going to sneak up and get finicky on me (at least not yet.) I suppose I am getting some valuable info in that it is tighter now that I'm about to get my period-- but it is alot to keep track of... so I guess the bottom line is more of the same in #2, must eat slow and chew, chew, chew.
4) I fnd it really hard to adequately chew food! This is one of the hardest skills to master-- I know I will get there eventually... I'll have to keep learning.
5) I wonder if I need a fill or not? It is so confusing-- but I am going to put myself in Dr. Ren's hands. On some level, I wonder if my weight loss IS NOT fast enough-- and shows that I'm eating more than I should or not doing as well as I should.
On the other hand, I am losing, slowly but surely-- so what's the rush?
I am not struggling terribly at all... I'm just living my life-- but should the weight be dropping off more rapidly b/c the band controls even more of my hunger? I really, really don't know. I guess that's why I have a doc in the first place and why I'm going in on Tuesday!
6) I love the band. I know I constantly say that-- but I looked to alot of blogs before I went for the surgery-- and I wanted to know how people felt and what was truly going on.
I can't say this is the right choice for everyone, but I certainly can say that the band has ended the diet war for ME. This is truly LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.... I have battled the weight and diet demons forever, and now that I have the band-- I know I can do this thing. Will it be perfect always? NO.
Will I be perfect? NO.
Do I have so much more confidence that I can lose weight and keep it off? YES
Has my obsession with finding the 'diet that will finally work for me'' died? YES
Amen to the band.
1) My band really DOES get tighter right around my period, have had a couple of PB's today on stuff that usually goes down fine (like an omelette, WTF??)
2) I really need to be careful about eating with others-- I tend to eat faster when I am with other people. I mean, I literally seem to be shovelling food in faster-- then I don't chew enough and WHAMO, Stuck. Bleh.
3) I never can tell when my band is going to sneak up and get finicky on me (at least not yet.) I suppose I am getting some valuable info in that it is tighter now that I'm about to get my period-- but it is alot to keep track of... so I guess the bottom line is more of the same in #2, must eat slow and chew, chew, chew.
4) I fnd it really hard to adequately chew food! This is one of the hardest skills to master-- I know I will get there eventually... I'll have to keep learning.
5) I wonder if I need a fill or not? It is so confusing-- but I am going to put myself in Dr. Ren's hands. On some level, I wonder if my weight loss IS NOT fast enough-- and shows that I'm eating more than I should or not doing as well as I should.
On the other hand, I am losing, slowly but surely-- so what's the rush?
I am not struggling terribly at all... I'm just living my life-- but should the weight be dropping off more rapidly b/c the band controls even more of my hunger? I really, really don't know. I guess that's why I have a doc in the first place and why I'm going in on Tuesday!
6) I love the band. I know I constantly say that-- but I looked to alot of blogs before I went for the surgery-- and I wanted to know how people felt and what was truly going on.
I can't say this is the right choice for everyone, but I certainly can say that the band has ended the diet war for ME. This is truly LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.... I have battled the weight and diet demons forever, and now that I have the band-- I know I can do this thing. Will it be perfect always? NO.
Will I be perfect? NO.
Do I have so much more confidence that I can lose weight and keep it off? YES
Has my obsession with finding the 'diet that will finally work for me'' died? YES
Amen to the band.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Clarification and vent
I don't know if I was entirely clear in my last post, as I used the words "break up" to signfy my resignation-- and in alot of ways, it was like a break up. Very dramatic and CU very pissed at me. Did not keep his cool as I would have expected.
So, so be clear with y'all, who have been suffering with my speaking in code for so long:
I have officially resigned from my current position.
I have a NEW JOB (YAY!)
And while I want to keep things relatively private, especially because you never know who will stumble across your blog, etc etc, I will give you the following info-- seeing as I want you all to know how excited and proud I am:
I have accepted a Senior Vice President position in an organization that focuses on healthcare. The organization does what some might describe as "the Lord's work" in that it focuses on the underserved and ensuring rights and access to health care for all. I am SO very proud and honored to have a part in such great work -- and to be paid for doing it!
Amazing!!
OK, enough bragging.
I still have to get through 4 weeks at my old job-- and I don't think it's going to be easy. My soon to be former b*o(s*s is a shit, bottom line. I simply cannot believe that he is not acting more dignified about the whole thing. I get it that he is upset and disrupted by my leaving, but he has treated me so badly-- it has seemed that he really would be HAPPY to see me go. I suppose not. But not because he loves me, because he NEEDS me. Do you see the difference?
I can barely explain the weird dynamic. He takes my leaving as a personal insult-- how could anyone want to leave his wonderful and venerated KINGDOM. I heard he was saving face later in the day by telling one of my colleagues about the fact that I've gotten this great job opportunity that is a step up in my career (duh.) But he wasn't saying that to speak kindly about me-- he was saying it to 'save face'-- as in: the only way ANYONE would ever leave this place is if they got an 'offer they couldn't refuse.' In my case: the title is a step ahead and it just moves my career ahead too.
I am so shocked and horrified at his behavior-- I know I am simply going on and on and on about it-- but it is just vomitatious. (Is that a word?) When I've had resignations, and boy, I've had so many in my career, and sometimes of people whom I really 'needed,' I've always been gracious and excited for the other person. What good does it do me to express my irritation that the person is leaving?
Put it this way: when I was dating, if I ever got 'dumped,' I immediately ran in the opposite direction. If someone is REJECTING me, I cannot get away from them fast enough-- and I certainly wouldn't ever want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they HURT me.
So: his reaction to my 'breaking up with him' / the job-- because it is very analogous, is SO pyschologically signficant.
Let me remind you that I wrote a lovely resignation letter and prepared to go in to speak with him with a smile on my face and a thank you for the opportunity in my heart. So what if he was a creep for the last 6 months and treated me like a glorified secretary at times? It's over now, and we can move on.
Well... no. He behaved in a way that I can only describe as embarrassing and unbecoming to himself. Better for him to have said something like "I knew you would leave and I am happy you are going-- it is for the best." That would have been shitty and asshole-ish enough! Nope. Instead, he made outrageous claims that I ought to have told him my plans to search for another position, and that he had received reference calls from people (LIE) about me. That is just a fucking LIE. No one called him for my reference because that would have been illegal and inappropriate-- and people just don't do such things.
What I think happened is that he got some sort of sense of my disgruntlement (even though I was acting perfectly nice, really) and he started putting two and two together. Perhaps he had my computer analyzed in my absence and read my emails or found my resume on my desk top-- could be ANYTHING. I also know from a close colleague that he did ask her if she knew if I was looking... and she said that she knew I was 'unhappy.' That probably sealed the deal, and who knows what else she actually said to him. I can't really care-- water under the bridge and he is a pretty powerful guy, so I wouldn't want her to jeopardize her relationship with him either.
He gives me such a paranoid feeling about the people around me-- who is talking, who is telling him things... etc. But I need to focus on the fact that I will be out of there SO SOON!! Yay. I get to leave, on my own terms!!! Yipee.
As for band news, I'm still holding steady in that 179ish zone-- this morning, woke up to 179.6. I guess it is time for a fill b/c I don't quite feel the hunger management that I need. Tuesday is the day with Dr. Ren. One thing about her: she tends to be conservative with fills. I think that is probably a wise idea, since my last fill, 'a big girl fill,' went over like a lead balloon.
More to follow and thanks for the great comments-- I will get to your blogs soon... love to you all.
So, so be clear with y'all, who have been suffering with my speaking in code for so long:
I have officially resigned from my current position.
I have a NEW JOB (YAY!)
And while I want to keep things relatively private, especially because you never know who will stumble across your blog, etc etc, I will give you the following info-- seeing as I want you all to know how excited and proud I am:
I have accepted a Senior Vice President position in an organization that focuses on healthcare. The organization does what some might describe as "the Lord's work" in that it focuses on the underserved and ensuring rights and access to health care for all. I am SO very proud and honored to have a part in such great work -- and to be paid for doing it!
Amazing!!
OK, enough bragging.
I still have to get through 4 weeks at my old job-- and I don't think it's going to be easy. My soon to be former b*o(s*s is a shit, bottom line. I simply cannot believe that he is not acting more dignified about the whole thing. I get it that he is upset and disrupted by my leaving, but he has treated me so badly-- it has seemed that he really would be HAPPY to see me go. I suppose not. But not because he loves me, because he NEEDS me. Do you see the difference?
I can barely explain the weird dynamic. He takes my leaving as a personal insult-- how could anyone want to leave his wonderful and venerated KINGDOM. I heard he was saving face later in the day by telling one of my colleagues about the fact that I've gotten this great job opportunity that is a step up in my career (duh.) But he wasn't saying that to speak kindly about me-- he was saying it to 'save face'-- as in: the only way ANYONE would ever leave this place is if they got an 'offer they couldn't refuse.' In my case: the title is a step ahead and it just moves my career ahead too.
I am so shocked and horrified at his behavior-- I know I am simply going on and on and on about it-- but it is just vomitatious. (Is that a word?) When I've had resignations, and boy, I've had so many in my career, and sometimes of people whom I really 'needed,' I've always been gracious and excited for the other person. What good does it do me to express my irritation that the person is leaving?
Put it this way: when I was dating, if I ever got 'dumped,' I immediately ran in the opposite direction. If someone is REJECTING me, I cannot get away from them fast enough-- and I certainly wouldn't ever want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they HURT me.
So: his reaction to my 'breaking up with him' / the job-- because it is very analogous, is SO pyschologically signficant.
Let me remind you that I wrote a lovely resignation letter and prepared to go in to speak with him with a smile on my face and a thank you for the opportunity in my heart. So what if he was a creep for the last 6 months and treated me like a glorified secretary at times? It's over now, and we can move on.
Well... no. He behaved in a way that I can only describe as embarrassing and unbecoming to himself. Better for him to have said something like "I knew you would leave and I am happy you are going-- it is for the best." That would have been shitty and asshole-ish enough! Nope. Instead, he made outrageous claims that I ought to have told him my plans to search for another position, and that he had received reference calls from people (LIE) about me. That is just a fucking LIE. No one called him for my reference because that would have been illegal and inappropriate-- and people just don't do such things.
What I think happened is that he got some sort of sense of my disgruntlement (even though I was acting perfectly nice, really) and he started putting two and two together. Perhaps he had my computer analyzed in my absence and read my emails or found my resume on my desk top-- could be ANYTHING. I also know from a close colleague that he did ask her if she knew if I was looking... and she said that she knew I was 'unhappy.' That probably sealed the deal, and who knows what else she actually said to him. I can't really care-- water under the bridge and he is a pretty powerful guy, so I wouldn't want her to jeopardize her relationship with him either.
He gives me such a paranoid feeling about the people around me-- who is talking, who is telling him things... etc. But I need to focus on the fact that I will be out of there SO SOON!! Yay. I get to leave, on my own terms!!! Yipee.
As for band news, I'm still holding steady in that 179ish zone-- this morning, woke up to 179.6. I guess it is time for a fill b/c I don't quite feel the hunger management that I need. Tuesday is the day with Dr. Ren. One thing about her: she tends to be conservative with fills. I think that is probably a wise idea, since my last fill, 'a big girl fill,' went over like a lead balloon.
More to follow and thanks for the great comments-- I will get to your blogs soon... love to you all.
Friday, June 04, 2010
I got it!
I am pleased to inform all of my blogger friends that CU and I broke up today, for reals.
In 4 weeks, I will be taking on my new role, which I accepted yesterday!
Hallelujah.
The only slight bummer was that I saw 180.6 this morning. Dang.
As for the emotions of the day, I will have to explain how awful CU acted at a later time, I am too overwrought to describe it all-- but suffice it to say that he was pissy about things when we met. NOT gracious. Told me that I should have told him I was looking! WTF?
Some people are truly insane. That's all.
In 4 weeks, I will be taking on my new role, which I accepted yesterday!
Hallelujah.
The only slight bummer was that I saw 180.6 this morning. Dang.
As for the emotions of the day, I will have to explain how awful CU acted at a later time, I am too overwrought to describe it all-- but suffice it to say that he was pissy about things when we met. NOT gracious. Told me that I should have told him I was looking! WTF?
Some people are truly insane. That's all.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Barring any glitches, 170's for good (crossing fingers)
This morning-- 179.0.
Dumb mistake of hopping back on the scale a minute later to read 179.9-- but I choose to keep 179 as today's weight...
Obviously, the snail's pace of weight loss will only continue for me. And as I keep saying, as long as I don't hit a complete and total stall-- that is going to be good enough for me. That is not to say that any of you folks who have had a different weight loss pattern should look to me as any person who has anything of import to say. I mean: if you're plateaued and have lost weight all along, I strongly encourage you to speak with your doctor if it is bothering you and you simply can't figure out what is going on and if you're inclined to do so.
If you want to ride it out-- that's fine too!!
The thing is that I've lost weight SO slowly the entire time that this is nothing new to me... I seem to be averaging maybe .4 pounds per week or something (i.e. less than half a pound per week.) But overall, I see a downward movement in my numbers. Will it take a very long time to reach my goals? Most likely. Will I need to adjust my strategy as I lose more weight and the calorie level necessarily has to drop? Could be.
But for the time being: after my very tight episode of a few weeks back, I realized how important it is to take it easy with myself and baby my band. I want to be able to eat almost ANYTHING that is on my green light list and some red light list things too. I've found that I was able to eat pasta the other day, as long as I took ir very slow, small bites, chewed a ton. That is really good.
I'm thinking back to the article that Gen posted some time ago that really spoke to me about the philosophy of the band. Let me say: I do not think all surgeons agree! But my feeling, as a patient/ consumer/ research-hound is as follows--
The best way to use the band in the green zone is to eat as little as possible to get satisfied, but DO NOT use the band as a barrier. Using the band as a 'barrier' is the same as "testing the band to see how far it will go before it slips" or you do other harm to yourself.
Again: just my opinion, y'all.
It's not that I'm sitting around for hours every day considering how best to use the band-- but I know that the calculus of my technique is what I've said above. I just try to eat as little as possible to become satisfied, really trying to stop before I have any issues or side effects, and looking for "full" as soon as I can.
Do I always succeed? Nope. Sometimes, like the other night when we had linguini and bolognese sauce, I ate a portion and then I went back for seconds in about 45 minutes. Probably a technical no-no. But, there could be some issue that if I was craving more food, I didn't get enough to stimulate the 'fullness' effect that should be there for several hours at a time.
Nevertheless, I am no expert, I'm just a humble patient like all of us-- and I'll be going back in to see Dr. Ren sometime next week or the following week to discuss my level of adjustment. I'm frankly a little confused, even though I sound all confident. (Sorry to be a psycho.)
As I said above, I want to have the MOST freedom I can have from side effects as possible WHILE still losing weight. I'm willing to lose slowly if that means keeper my band less tightly adjusted. However: I don't want to waste time and lose NOTHING. On the other hand, I have been steadily declining in weight over time- albeit very slow. Ugh. Back to Dr. Ren. I think she is very wise and quite conservative in her approach (at least with me.) Whenever I do speak with her, I get a good sense of what I should do next, that is what is so great about having a great doctor and a great practice. If I go in with NO forgone conclusion and just tell her what is going on-- I think she will know what to do next.
Yeah, that's it.
Sorry if this post was one big stream of consciousness blab-- but that's where I'm at.
Dumb mistake of hopping back on the scale a minute later to read 179.9-- but I choose to keep 179 as today's weight...
Obviously, the snail's pace of weight loss will only continue for me. And as I keep saying, as long as I don't hit a complete and total stall-- that is going to be good enough for me. That is not to say that any of you folks who have had a different weight loss pattern should look to me as any person who has anything of import to say. I mean: if you're plateaued and have lost weight all along, I strongly encourage you to speak with your doctor if it is bothering you and you simply can't figure out what is going on and if you're inclined to do so.
If you want to ride it out-- that's fine too!!
The thing is that I've lost weight SO slowly the entire time that this is nothing new to me... I seem to be averaging maybe .4 pounds per week or something (i.e. less than half a pound per week.) But overall, I see a downward movement in my numbers. Will it take a very long time to reach my goals? Most likely. Will I need to adjust my strategy as I lose more weight and the calorie level necessarily has to drop? Could be.
But for the time being: after my very tight episode of a few weeks back, I realized how important it is to take it easy with myself and baby my band. I want to be able to eat almost ANYTHING that is on my green light list and some red light list things too. I've found that I was able to eat pasta the other day, as long as I took ir very slow, small bites, chewed a ton. That is really good.
I'm thinking back to the article that Gen posted some time ago that really spoke to me about the philosophy of the band. Let me say: I do not think all surgeons agree! But my feeling, as a patient/ consumer/ research-hound is as follows--
The best way to use the band in the green zone is to eat as little as possible to get satisfied, but DO NOT use the band as a barrier. Using the band as a 'barrier' is the same as "testing the band to see how far it will go before it slips" or you do other harm to yourself.
Again: just my opinion, y'all.
It's not that I'm sitting around for hours every day considering how best to use the band-- but I know that the calculus of my technique is what I've said above. I just try to eat as little as possible to become satisfied, really trying to stop before I have any issues or side effects, and looking for "full" as soon as I can.
Do I always succeed? Nope. Sometimes, like the other night when we had linguini and bolognese sauce, I ate a portion and then I went back for seconds in about 45 minutes. Probably a technical no-no. But, there could be some issue that if I was craving more food, I didn't get enough to stimulate the 'fullness' effect that should be there for several hours at a time.
Nevertheless, I am no expert, I'm just a humble patient like all of us-- and I'll be going back in to see Dr. Ren sometime next week or the following week to discuss my level of adjustment. I'm frankly a little confused, even though I sound all confident. (Sorry to be a psycho.)
As I said above, I want to have the MOST freedom I can have from side effects as possible WHILE still losing weight. I'm willing to lose slowly if that means keeper my band less tightly adjusted. However: I don't want to waste time and lose NOTHING. On the other hand, I have been steadily declining in weight over time- albeit very slow. Ugh. Back to Dr. Ren. I think she is very wise and quite conservative in her approach (at least with me.) Whenever I do speak with her, I get a good sense of what I should do next, that is what is so great about having a great doctor and a great practice. If I go in with NO forgone conclusion and just tell her what is going on-- I think she will know what to do next.
Yeah, that's it.
Sorry if this post was one big stream of consciousness blab-- but that's where I'm at.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
179.0 today... saw a flash of 178.9! And pins and needles
Yeah, things seem to be chugging right along and now I am doubting as to whether I actually need a fill at all. While I can eat most things without trouble for the past few days-- my hunger has been in check. The clouds/ smoke must clear from my 'tourista' stomach woes, though.
And now I am back at the POV on weekdays, which dampens down my hunger significantly-- virtually no desire to eat anything all day when I am here each day. Can you say cortisol (stress hormone) appetite control??? The bad news about that is that I will be hungry later on today.
So far, at 3pm today I've had:
1/2 cup coffee with milk
water
protein bar (1/2 at 11 am 1/2 at 1pm)
latte
Yep, that's all folks.
Later on, we're planning on having sushi, and I usually order this yummy "Tuna Tartar over Avocado" dish, with a couple of pieces of sashimi (Like salmon, yellowtail and always a order of salmon roe. MMMM)
And for dessert, I will plan on a MINI York peppermint patty--50 calories, not like I'm counting calories daily-- but I sometimes add up to see how I'm doing. I brought home a bag of them and they are in the freezer. Had one yesterday and don't feel the urge to throw these down in large quantities. But they are a nice treat.
As for my pins and needles, after my conversation last week-- I am waiting for a final 'communication' from BC and her group to find out whether or not we will go 'dancing' together. There are certain terms of going dancing that must be met, like I need for 'dinner' to be paid for at an expensive restaurant of my choosing and other goodies like that.
I did get a call from a good 'friend' of mine from a placement past who spoke on my behalf with BC today... so I know that the final "people who will speak on my behalf" process is being sorted through at this time. But no final 'communication' yet-- so I wait.
On. Pins. And. Needles.
Why does this shit take so long?
The head h*o*ch#o at my current place (I have sometimes referred to this person as Captain Unreasonable... ha ha) has barely interacted with me today. Guess this person is mad at me for being on a long vacation but that CU can suck it. I had a right to that time...
Funny thing happened this morning that made me want to get out of the POV even more:
I was required by our H*R depar*tmen*t {If you are wondering why I am doing that weird stuff with words, it is to prevent any terms related to w*r*k being in my blog-- this makes it much less likely to come up on any google search or whatever. PS: my name is not associated with this blog, except where people occassionally comment using only my FIRST name. So, paranoid I am-- but I have to be careful.)
I've digressed. So our H*R Dp*t required me to testify today at an u*n*em*ploy*mt hearing against a former person at our establishment who admitted to theft. I used the word "REQUIRED" with veracity. They said "you are required to attend."
So I reminded CU that I would be there first thing this am and back to the ofc. once completed. You know what CU wrote back, this is a quote:
"Not the b*est wa*y to st*art after being a*w*ay."
Fuck you, dude. I then wrote back that I agreed but wasn't given a choice ("required") and forwarded the communication where I was told that in so many words. No word back from CU.
Can you tell I'm ready to take a walk? Oh, I really, really hope I can. Wish me luck, I am really on edge about it with nothing to do but wait for the big call.
Wah.
And now I am back at the POV on weekdays, which dampens down my hunger significantly-- virtually no desire to eat anything all day when I am here each day. Can you say cortisol (stress hormone) appetite control??? The bad news about that is that I will be hungry later on today.
So far, at 3pm today I've had:
1/2 cup coffee with milk
water
protein bar (1/2 at 11 am 1/2 at 1pm)
latte
Yep, that's all folks.
Later on, we're planning on having sushi, and I usually order this yummy "Tuna Tartar over Avocado" dish, with a couple of pieces of sashimi (Like salmon, yellowtail and always a order of salmon roe. MMMM)
And for dessert, I will plan on a MINI York peppermint patty--50 calories, not like I'm counting calories daily-- but I sometimes add up to see how I'm doing. I brought home a bag of them and they are in the freezer. Had one yesterday and don't feel the urge to throw these down in large quantities. But they are a nice treat.
As for my pins and needles, after my conversation last week-- I am waiting for a final 'communication' from BC and her group to find out whether or not we will go 'dancing' together. There are certain terms of going dancing that must be met, like I need for 'dinner' to be paid for at an expensive restaurant of my choosing and other goodies like that.
I did get a call from a good 'friend' of mine from a placement past who spoke on my behalf with BC today... so I know that the final "people who will speak on my behalf" process is being sorted through at this time. But no final 'communication' yet-- so I wait.
On. Pins. And. Needles.
Why does this shit take so long?
The head h*o*ch#o at my current place (I have sometimes referred to this person as Captain Unreasonable... ha ha) has barely interacted with me today. Guess this person is mad at me for being on a long vacation but that CU can suck it. I had a right to that time...
Funny thing happened this morning that made me want to get out of the POV even more:
I was required by our H*R depar*tmen*t {If you are wondering why I am doing that weird stuff with words, it is to prevent any terms related to w*r*k being in my blog-- this makes it much less likely to come up on any google search or whatever. PS: my name is not associated with this blog, except where people occassionally comment using only my FIRST name. So, paranoid I am-- but I have to be careful.)
I've digressed. So our H*R Dp*t required me to testify today at an u*n*em*ploy*mt hearing against a former person at our establishment who admitted to theft. I used the word "REQUIRED" with veracity. They said "you are required to attend."
So I reminded CU that I would be there first thing this am and back to the ofc. once completed. You know what CU wrote back, this is a quote:
"Not the b*est wa*y to st*art after being a*w*ay."
Fuck you, dude. I then wrote back that I agreed but wasn't given a choice ("required") and forwarded the communication where I was told that in so many words. No word back from CU.
Can you tell I'm ready to take a walk? Oh, I really, really hope I can. Wish me luck, I am really on edge about it with nothing to do but wait for the big call.
Wah.
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