Here's how it went... pretty well

All in all, my commitment to eating better made things a lot better for me yesterday.
As usual: I didn't do as well later in the evening as during the day, but it was still a load better and here is how/ why.

First, I did stick to my guns during the entire day, including a trip to Costco (do you know their samples situation???) with my mom.  I had NO samples of anything, choosing to get a diet soda, which I have begun to drink again after several years of no soda whatsoever.  I never drink that much soda-- so it is not a huge deal- I can't gulp it like I once did, but now I've digressed.

So: I had a protein shake for breakfast and one for lunch (this prior to going to Costco)-- and also had coffee, both in the AM at home with this vile sugar free hazelnut creamer (ewwww) which is the only thing we had in the house-- and then on my way to my mom's, with real hazelnut creamer (I know, bad stuff).  Then we ran around doing some stuff and finally returned to my house, where I had about half of a 100 calorie package of roasted seaweed (Yummy!!!) with some hummus, babgnoush, and tzatziki sauce mixed together-- sounds weird and gross but was good.  I would say I had less than a 1/4 cup of all of those together.  Then I had a spinach salad with a few dried cranberries and some tzatziki on top (this is tzatziki made with Greek yogurt and not a lot else-- not mayonnaise-y.)

Later in the evening, I tried some of the roasted chicken we bought at the store, but that caused problems-- I didn't chew it well enough. Grrrr, all that good work during the day, only to annoy my gullet later.

I ended the day with a protein bar (I think I am officially getting enough protein-- but not enough fruit and could use MORE veggies, just had the spinach leaves yesterday)... oh: and some left over black jelly beans.  Those are virtually gone now, and I won't be bringing any candy into the house in the near future.

I believe I got in under 1800 calories for the day- which I think has got to be an improvement over the 2200 or 2300 calories I've got to be eating to sustain my current weight, which I am guessing to be in the 168 category.  I can tell by my stomach-- I have extra fat there that I lose when I get down into the lower 160's, and at the very least: I am determined to get myself back there again in the next few week.

I am feeling confident that I can do so, being so much milder with myself than I once was in my 'dieting' days. I don't expect perfection-- I set a plan and do my best to follow it and adjust it along the way.  Another complication that gets added into my overall eating plan is when I am 'tight'-- which is how things are right now.  Not exceedingly tight at all, but tight enough that opting for liquids to simmer things down is a REALLY good idea for the moment-- and that is why the chicken I ate was such a dumb move.  I didn't need the protein-- it just appealed to me in its saltiness (have you had one of those rotisserie chickens from Boston market or the like, yummy.) But I don't even know why, because every goddamn time I eat chicken like that-- it comes back up on me (I know, ugh.)

I've actually learned to avoid most steak and burgers-- except for a tiny bite here or there-- but I haven't gotten it through my head that chicken can also be treacherous.  That is not to say that I cannot eat it I follow the rules: if I take tiny bites and chew well-- I really am fine.  But even 3.5 years out of the surgery: I haven't entirely mastered the art of eating slowly and chewing well-- and the hungrier I am, the worse it is.
The good news is that fish is always a great choice-- and I do well with fresh veggies as well. Fruits can be hit or miss, but it is all about being careful and chewing well.

My husband and I had a 'come to Jesus' discussion about it yesterday (this was fostered by me-- he would never say anything to me in criticism of my eating habits-- but I asked)... and he observed that I give up easily and get frustrated.  That is where I went with the simple eating plan that I developed, and if I would just follow my own damn advice, I'd be good to go.

Back to the lab again for the day.

So much for being normal...next steps

Just as I thought-- sooner or later, my mojo on my health and eating habits would return-- and it is good timing for a need for that return because nothing reminds you more of the need to be healthy and get your clothes fitting great than an encroaching warm weather season.

I was in Washington, DC these past 4 days-- so my eating was chaotic (or should I say) I was in DC without a good plan so my eating was chaotic... and so now I am ready for a plan.

My husband and I came up with a good one for me for the next few days-- a simple approach. Here is the list of foods/ drinks that I am going to be eating/ drinking until Friday (Friday, I can review and decide on next steps):
Smoothies (made with fruit, veggies, protein shakes)
Fresh fruit
Fresh veggies/ cooked veggies w/ olive oil drizzle
Soups (preferably broth based with beans for protein-- like lentil soup, minestrone, vegetable soup)
Protein bars (limit: 1 per day)
Water (of course), all non-caloric beverages
Coffee w/ milk or creamer (within reason)
Wine or 1 drink per day (I never get out of control with these)

Notably ABSENT:
Chocolate and cheese (except chocolate in protein bars or protein drinks)

This plan is meant to simplify my life for the next week, get my blood sugar on track, my eating healthier, vitamins and nutrients more normalized, and also to avoid any PB's at all.  (I find that as I go off the rails, the rate of my PB's goes up-- and then I get heartburn and need to stop the clock, go back and retool myself and start again.)

I am ready to get healthier.  I am sick of feeling crappy from eating not so great... so it's on.

Here are a few pictures from my trip:

Normalizing...

My weight is coming down 166.6.... long way to go, but at the same time: fine with me.
I went clothing shopping today and fit nicely into size 12 Ann Taylor loft slacks-- pants have always been my bugaboo, that's my biggest part.
I am doing ok.

My mom came over today, we had a good remembering cry about my dad-- and I was glad that I could go shopping and enjoy myself without feeling a whole in my heart about it.

The most important evolving thing right now is taking care of my mom (who is tough as nails and resiliant).... and helping her on to the next chapter.
But it has been almost 3 weeks, which is barely anything in grief.

One day at a time- and back to the mundane: I am glad my eating is starting to stabilize. Hopefully exercise to be added more and more... walking will be fine, and I am doing a bit more on a daily basis.

Day by day.

One day, one laugh, one cry at a time

Barbara wrote to me recently and reminded me that it is 'one day, one laugh, one cry' at a time (I am paraphrasing-- she said it from her experience and better than I just said it.)
What amazing advice.

My grief for my father is very deep, and there is a real whole in my heart- but it is beyond difficult for my mom.  The most trying aspect of the situation now is that we want to support her 100%, which means I am sitting here, working from home at her house-- obviously taking a quick break to blog.

I don't want her to feel alone, but I cannot help if she feels 'lonely.'  Anyone who has ever grieved or been single for a long period as an adult can probably relate-- and others too.  My mom is totally amazing and being resiliant -- but nothing but time will help this pain for all of us.  We had a good cry together last night as well.  I talk to her every day, and my husband also is supporting her-- and we bring my son over and go our for dinners etc.

Life is moving ahead-- but SO slowly.  It has been less than 3 weeks and feels like 100 years ago that my father died. And yet: the pain is very acute.

I will miss him forever.

But he would not approve me stuffing my face over him-- so if I can keep that in mind, I will get myself back on track. I am still in the danger zone of the 168ish area-- and I can literally see the additional 'flab' that go deposited on my stomach from the 5 extra pounds that I worked so hard to get off from late November/ early December. Grrrrr.

I am now trying to get the focus back on protein-- and will take my weight one day at a time too.
I'm so thankful for the band- I wonder how much weight I might have gained if I didn't have its limits... hmmm.

Onward to getting things straightened out.

Some things just never change...

So: here I am at my 'high' banded weight again (actually: I have seen 170 on the scale in the past, but not recently, and totally freaked out...)-- and so I've got to do something.
But what to do??
I tried 'dieting' over the weekend to get down from 168- and my weight flew up to 169.8.  ARGH.

This morning: 168 once again.

I guess I should just try to relax, sit back, walk more (I started wearing my Nike fuel band again-- it really does make a difference-- I believe I put the two pounds that I am now very upset about in the week and a half that I stopped wearing the band.)

I know the band works for me if I work it- and the bitter but obvious truth is: eat less, move more (or even even less) drink enough water-- really focusing on fluids has always been a key for me-- and wait it out. If things don't get better-- I guess I'll go back for a consult.

I need an esophogram but am not at all excited to run into NYC for one-- gotta find one around here or something.

Things are progressing ok in the area of my personal mourning life... so to speak.  My major concern is for my mom, but she is holding up well.  Of course: she is devastated, but the way it goes is that she is OK and then she gets sad and she cries (kind of like I feel)-- but she says it is a relief to let the crying out and then she feels better for a while.
I really feel for her loss in the sense of a total shift of her day to day life-- having her best friend and partner ripped from her. So unfair.

I miss my dad, but I didn't talk to him every day-- rather: he was my dad, and I could call him any time, had dinners with my mom and him often when they were in our area (they lived in Arizona in the winters) and well, he was and will always be my dad.  I am so sad he is gone.

Not for nothing: My dad weighed himself every day and wrote it down.  I am taking his page again.
I do better when I am present and acknowledging my weight.
I won't beat myself up-- I am still doing ok and it has been the roughest patch of my life.  I'll just have to hang in there.

Thank you-- and back to our previously scheduled program-- to lose weight, dammit

I don't mean to be crass-- but I know my dad would not want me to lose all of the ground I gained over these years with my band.

That said: back in the saddle again.

Well-- you can't change what you don't acknowledge, at least that's what Dr. "Phil" says.... so here I am to say that this morning I am at 168 pounds.

Bleh.  

What's annoying is that for weeks, I was holding steady at 165.8... so in the last gasps of the terrible illness etc-- I must have stepped up the chocolate and whatever.

I am rolly-polly and just feel 'ugh.'

Humbug.

I am getting back on track-- I've joined 'My fitness pal' and am tracking my calories eaten on my blackberry. 

Additionally: I have a possible new gig I am looking into, but I don't want to say too much until I'm sure about everything.

So, I hope to be back, reading your blogs and getting into focusing on being a healthy girl once again.

So sad about my dad, my life won't be the same, but I can continue on... 

My dad is gone... and I must come back

I feel like I've been living in some sort of horrible haze for 2 months, culminating with the death of my father on March 31st, 2013.
I am so very sad, and tried so hard to help him in every way I could-- I will miss him forever.
Below is my eulogy to my father, read at his funeral... and I do plan to carry on.  I've got to get back to my own health and life in full force-- he would have wanted that.

Robust, zesty, brave, tough and strong are all words that come to mind when I look at my dad through my adult eyes.  From my childhood memories, and from watching him with his 3 cherished grandchildren, I also remember my father as the warmest presence-- he was a great lover of children and animals.  He referred to his pets as 'furry people.'

My dad gave the strongest bear hugs, held my head when I threw up, patiently taught me algebra when it seemed impossible to master, and taught me to write and speak effectively in public.  

He told me: "Tell them what you're gonna tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them."

So here goes:

I'm going to tell you a story and then read a brief poem- each to exemplify the warmth, understanding, and love my dad shared during the years my sister and I went to sleep-away camp.

My dad created the "Little People" who wrote tiny, secret notes to us on the inside of the envelopes into which my parents enclosed their letters. 

According to the 'Little People,' they were invisible to my parents, but immediately came to stay, watch over them, and get mom and dad out of the inevitable snafus they might experience while we were at summer camp.

The Little People would write things like, "we made sure your parents ate their vegetables tonight," and "your parents locked their keys in their car today, but don't worry: we made sure they got a locksmith and got home safely."  Strangely, the tiny little handwriting of the little people looked very similar to my dad's handwriting, but we went along with and enjoyed this ruse for all the years we were away at summer camp.   

I think my dad could have written the following words himself... and I believe they are the best way I can honor him now:

You can cry because I am gone, or you can smile because I lived.

You can hope that I will come back, or you can remember what I taught and be a master.

Your heart can be empty, or you can be full with memories.

You can remember only that I am gone, or you can cherish the time we had.

You can cry and close off-- or you can embrace life, love deeply, and live bravely.

Most of all: you can, and you should, carry on.