Boing boing on the scale

I won't even tell you that I hopped on the scale today and saw 161.4.
Oops, I just told you.
Crap.

In all seriousness, I cannot even muster being upset about this number because I am now very clear on the 'cycling' or plateauing that is going on for me right on the cusp of the 150's.  I am NOT deluded, and I do think my 'real' weight is right about 158.5ish (give or take.)

You may think I am in denial, and lying to myself -- or not, but I am telling you, I know my body now, really well, and I think that I am retaining water right now. My body is like "what the fucking hell is going on???"
"First you starve me for a week, and then you go out and eat like pretty much normal-- which is way too much for me now... and the sodium!!! Girlfriend, get some consistency."
/(End of my body's public service announcement to myself.)

Consistency is now the name of the game-- and I am really glad to say that I have no blame for the boing-boing that has been my recent life.  I am determined to FINALLY get past it-- as I think that my level of fill is probably about just right for living my life AND being successful with the band... if I keep on trying...

But with all of the unfill, fill, fill, unfill nonsense of the past 6 weeks-- no wonder I haven't been able to get any further.  And all the 'nonsense' got going when I realized I was already plateaued where I am at-- right at the irritating cusp of 160's/ 150's.    The bummer is that I would well and truly like to put the 160's behind me, and I haven't done that yet.  But the up side is that there is always today, tomorrow and next week.

And the further up side is that I will never stop trying-- I am not done and will not accept this as my final weight resting place-- it is WAY too precarious of a number.  You all know, from my broken record nature, that I am DETERMINED to reach my arbitrary 'normal' BMI number... despite the fact that I am undoubtably healthier now than I was 40 pounds ago, I look better and am far less scared of succumbing permanently to a life of ever gaining weight and going on diets only to fair... I've got 'miles to go.'

I may be talking in circles and again, I am sure I've said this before: but if I need to get more help from my doctors, I will.  I suppose I'll keep my appointment with Dr. Schwack in mid-July if I find that I am gaining weight or having no movement AT ALL down the scale.  But I also know that this is mainly down to me.   I've got to get in the game (now that I've had a few days to eat again and get over my stupid starvation diet that was not on purpose)... and get real about eating a cleaner and healthier diet.

I'll tell you: I've been eating several Oreos per day-- why? Because they are yummy, they are in my house, and I haven't really tried to set a good limit for myself.
I am tempted to throw away those Oreos--but instead, I think I'm going to keep them around (because they are for my son) and stay away from them.  Can I do this? We shall see.

And to Draz: thanks for the reminders/ pointers that you've learned from Nutrisystem!
Protein is the key to a good and light diet-- if you get your protein and your water before you get anything else-- you are good to go!!  I will follow this lead as it makes such wonderfully perfect sense.

I will leave you with a close up picture of me and a picture at a distance of me at my husband's black belt test (and son's senior blue belt test this week...)

If you cannot notice me for the blinding cuteness of my son, I understand.. but: wow, my face has gotten lots thinner this past year or so....

This is a cool shot-- my husband is the one in the who is 'highest' in the air-- really the only dude you can discern in this shot.  If you look really close, you can see me in the mirror taking the picture, I am sitting up high to the WAY left of the frame.

158.6-- don't feel much like writing today

You might think I'd be upset by my weight boing-ing back up the scale from 155ish, but honestly: I knew that my weight was artificially low from barely eating for a week.
People actually noticed that I've lost weight after last week-- and I FEEL thinner.

I also feel like my band is probably very properly adjusted at this point-- I am having a few regurgitation problems if I don't chew like mad, but NO problems with water or liquids.  It is all down to me.

Have I said before that the band is definitely not for just anyone? And is it not for the lazy and unwilling either! You really need to pay attention to yourself and take care of yourself and be willing to make the changes needed in order to succeed.

I have absolutely no regrets-- do not get me wrong.  The other day when I was talking about my weight and doubting whether it was 'worth it'-  I meant that it wasn't worth the overtightness to get my weight to come down.  But as per usual: my highly over-analytical mind has been 'digesting' (ha ha, pun intended) the experience of being unable to eat and barely drink either and it some ways, it was worth it. I wouldn't do it on purpose, but it was a great learning experience.  I can't describe exactly what I learned, but I know it set me on a better path, and maybe literally turned me around physiologically.  Though I am still into my sweets (I won't lie)-- my portions are smaller overall and I am trying to be more and more careful.

My sense that I will continue down the scale is there-- and I am feeling thinner.

Sorry if this is a dumb post... as I said when I started, I'm not much for writing at this moment-- but I didn't want to NOT write anything for days... I am very committed to keeping up this blog.  It REALLY helps me to come here as a sort of accountability and discipline, and I love to read up on all of your lives as well.

Also sorry if I haven't been commenting much, but I AM reading.  Feel free to come onto my comments and ask for feedback or comment back-- I am very willing to reciprocate or just give support whenever needed-- please NEVER take it personally if I haven't commented when you've commented on my blog. It is sheer over-busy-ness with life that is interferring most of all.

I hope it all makes senses and xoxoxoxo to you all !!

155.9-- MUCH BETTER NOW

My scale, this morning-- 6/24/11

*Edited to add that I went in and had exactly what was put into my band on MONDAY of this week taken BACK OUT. 
I saw Dr. Schwack for the first time (He takes my insurance, so this visit cost me $25 plus parking and tolls (which is another $30-- NYC is expensive y'all-- but it still less than $125 off the bat to see other providers in that practice.)  Anyway: Dr. S was very business like and decent, not exactly 'kind' in the same way that I love for my docs/ caregivers to be-- but obviously very competent.  He wasn't moving in a blur, and that was good.  When he asked how I was doing, I said: "I feel the worst I have done since I've had the band." And he just said, "wow, well let's fix that."

His rationale for taking out the same amount that I had put in during my the recent fill (I believe this leaves me with 7.35 cc's in my band-- which isn't exactly nothing in a 10 cc band) is that I am probably swollen and need to get that swelling to come down before moving ahead with ANY further fill.  He said the dreaded, "You'll come back for some more when your swelling goes down." Oy vey.  But, I am going to accept that reality-- and let's see, maybe 7.35 cc's will work out better this time around and conquer my hunger more now that I was virtually starved for 4 days-- I am pretty sure that may have reset some of my habits and shrunk my stomach in terms of capacity!!

He also mentioned that .3 cc's (the amount of my last fill) really isn't so enormous.  But I would have begged to differ had he been willing to listen.  (He was busy-- so forget it...)
I think .3 cc's is different for different patients.  For me, .3cc's is a HUGE amount of fill-- and obviously took me way over the top.  And: taking out that much gave me a lot of relief.

I'm much better already (it is noon now)-- and I am enjoying a lovely cup of New England Clam Chowder... I'm to be on liquids for the next two days to help the swelling go down.  My stomach feels loads better too, now that I have something in it!!
Perhaps I'll be able to maintain my new weight or something close to it? I hope that it is not all about dehydration-- but I really doubt it.  My clothes FEEL looser and I feel slightly thinned down.

So, actually: I guess in a way: it WAS worth it after all!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, mates, it is true: I've hit another weight milestone-- the 155's.

My Weight Chart:

Perhaps the chart doesn't look that dramatic, but I thought I would share it with you all.

You may be scratching your head-- and I am a little bit too, but let me tell you the tale of woe that has gone along with reaching this new (and very likely to be dehydrated, woe.)

So, you all know I've been a bit of a Fill Diva of late.  

Let me run it down:

Unfill in late May because I felt too tight

Refill June 15th, not enough

Refill more June 20th-- WAY TOO MUCH

This week, HELL broke loose.

Honestly, I tried to manage it-- I stayed on liquids for virtually the whole time (Yes, I did have some bacon and some mushed up pancake-- but THAT was not a problem.  My problem is WATER, believe it or not.  Water and think liquids have become the enemy.  I seriously look at a thing of water and hear that Old West gun fight music going off in my head-- you know: 'whoey whoey hoooooooooooooo' and cue the tumbleweeds rolling in the dust...)

I really was a good bandster girl. I followed the rules... but I ended up with a night cough for the past several nights, culminating with yesterday where I literally could barely keep down a sip of water.

I am NOT exaggerating.  This is not a livable life AT ALL.  I know that while my weight is artificially down due to not enough liquids, I imagine I genuinely probably lost a pound in there-- I'd say I've eaten maybe 2000 calories over the past 4 days... perhaps a bit more.  And 'eaten' is a strong word, since I've mainly subsisted on coffee w/ milk, cream soup (just on the first and second day post fill,) one vodka drink... and maybe half a protein shake???  Maybe I am under reporting-- but man, I am EMPTY of food, trust me.  No one in their right mind would say that this is the life a bandster is supposed to lead.  What a come-uppance...
I know there has got to be a happy medium in there somewhere.... right? Don't they call that the sweet spot?

Needless to say, I am running BACK to the doc's office this morning (I am getting sick of them and I think they are probably sick of me-- but this morning, I am seeing Dr. Schwack for the first time-- he better be a nice guy because I am in no mood for funny business...) clearly for an unfill.  NO DOUBT.

I'm afraid that they'll make me have all of my band fluid taken out-- hope not.  But I will do whatever is safe.

Look at my weight, y'all!

I wish I could feel happy and celebratory about hitting 155 (I know, it is barely 155, but I see 155 on my scale, mkay?).... but all I can think about is trying to keep getting enough sips of water down and keeping them down so that I don't do any dehydration damage until my appointment this morning.

Of course, I'm also worried about my band because I repeatedly regurgitated in the past few days-- but something tells me that I will be fine once I get some of this added / too much fluid in the band OUT.

Oh, I shouldn't have even brought up worrying about my band!!!! Now I am worried.

STOP.

Well, I had to share this tale of woe with you and now I am too worn out to even write any more.

I'm going to take a look around blog land and then get into the shower, truck it into NYC and get myself right.

Bah Humbug.

160.3 -- same, same: but different

So I am backing down the scale once again-- but the fear is gone, and that is a nice change.  I am relearning a lot of band lessons right now with my band being very tight.

I was thinking this morning (on my walk with the puppy-- no run this AM, kind of exhausted...but back to the running tomorrow, she loves it too!)-- I will / can stay this tight for another 10 pounds, and then I will think about loosening the band again.

I recall feeling the same way back in December, when I had the band pretty tightened-- and I subsequently lost 10 pounds fairly rapidly. How did I do that? I had to eat tiny little portions and go very slow to avoid side effects-- this naturally reduces calories TREMENDOUSLY.
It was just harder to eat, so I avoided eating more rather than less...
I remember thinking that this was not the way I would want to live my life for all time, but it was fine for a weight loss period of time.

My remarks above might scare some folks, but that is not what I'm meaning to do.  I am simply reporting the facts as they exist in my 'band life.'

And here I am again-- 3rd day post fill, and I am still meant to be on 'mushies'-- so still being very careful.  I know I am really tight (sorry if I am repeating myself.)

Current observations/ review of rules:
1) I have to sip drinks carefully-- even liquids can feel uncomfortably 'stuck' if I go too fast
2) Eating and drinking at the same time are TOTALLY out of the question at this level, it's not that I consciously have to make myself NOT try to eat and drink, rather-- the consequences would be icky, so I am just not going there.
3) Tiny portions are the name of the game, especially since I really MUST wait at least 30 seconds between bites-- 60 seconds is better.  And: when you think back to your banding rules, a meal ought not to last much more than 20 minutes anyway, so tiny portions it is!
4) Chewing to liquidity is really important-- I'll admit that I am sitting here eating a piece of microwave crisped bacon (crisped to cracker consistency)-- and it is going down ok, but going very slow and chewing the heck out of the tiny pieces of bacon as I eat them.  I am also having 1 silver dollar pancake, that I have mushed up into, ahem, mush, with some strawberry jelly and some syrup.  This is taking a long time to eat-- just ONE silver dollar pancake.
*This is not a typical breakfast, but I made pancakes and bacon this am for my son's last day of school.  Usually, I skip breakfast and just have coffee...
5) Tiny BITE size is also really important.  I've been told 'eraser size' bites are good-- this is from the school of thought of Dr. Fielding (Dr. Ren's husband and also banded himself.)
6) I'm not very hungry at all... that's terrific, and making all of the above very, very doable.

Is this easy?
No.
I'd call it 'advanced banding' -- because it is on the edge of overtightness, perhaps, but it is all relative.  If this is what I need to help me control myself-- and I am able to drink liquids and get proper nutrition, just through careful approach- that's where it is at.

Cat: my heart goes out to you about Domino...

Freaking blogger wouldn't let me comment on Cat's post on the loss of her pet kitty, Domino.
So: here is my comment-- I am so sorry for your loss-- I LOVE my pets, as do so many of us, so please feel free to feel sad and grieve for your kitty.
As I once read in a Dear Abby column: Aunt Muriel didn't sleep on your bed at night or lick your fingers or curl up at your ankles and keep you company-- and yet people seem to lack an understanding of why we grieve pets the same way we sometimes grieve human beings...

I totally get it.
I'm sorry for your loss... xoxo

Jogs with dog... 161.3

Post walk/ run with dog= jog with dog

Motivation to exercise-- a healthy glow!

Well, I'm back in the saddle, as I expected, from this last fill-- what a difference a good fill can make.  It is not psychological, in my opinion-- it just feels to physical.  I have a total physiological shift in my sensation of how I'm going to handle food today (I know that I'll be in control from this feeling I have in my gut, and it is not the same as determination or willpower or 'forcepower'.)

I thank you all for your continued reassurance, but now I feel completely certain that I am back on track. I've got to get off whatever I gained -- but I am pretty certain I'll be back in the 150's in no time.

The band is not for everyone.
It is not an easy answer-- it is an ANSWER to a difficult problem-- and my recent experiences really help me see how much I needed the band to help me lose weight and how much I do need it to continue my process and STAY down on the scale.

Kind of scary-- but more reason to 'baby' my band to my best ability, as I am well aware that sometimes complications occur, even if you try and try and try and take EXCELLENT care of the band.  Some people are just unlucky.  But, I have not been unlucky at all.  In fact: I consider myself to be very lucky.  I've not been the perfectionistic bandster-- I've not been dieting, and yet, I've lost quite a lot of my excess weight.

Am I there yet? Hell to the no! I still haven't even reached the normal BMI range, and if you've been reading my blog at all- you must know that that is my number one long term goal.  After that, I've got more-- but that elusive 24.9 is going to be 'my bitch' so to speak- sooner or later.

I'm really not sure if the exercise will help me lose much weight at all (sorry.)  I don't work out that long or hard on most days, even with the new 'runs with dog.'  However: I am sure that it is healthy for stress management, mood, and improving my muscle tone... so that is all good.

OK now: watch me shrink ...

Got a fill-- and some definitions of vomiting and regurgitation! Thrillsville!!

I'm SOOOOOO relieved... funny thing to say when you go and get a nice big fill that really tightens things up substantially-- but now I have that feeling of: OH, I really CAN do this!!!  I will not be gaining all of my weight back.
Good thing I am feeling better, because earlier today I was scared out of my mind. Now I am much, much better- confidence quickly returning.

Perhaps I am so impaired in terms of my self-control that I need to be supertight in order to succeed? 
Who knows? That does feel kind of bad to say, though.
But it is what it is, ya know? I guess I really need this band.

So here is what happened:
As I wrote my post this morning and 'admitted' to reaching 163 this morning-- I realized: I'd better get my ass in to the surgeon's office PRONTO.
And that is exactly what I did.  I stopped hoping for some streak of lightening to make my fill just right, I knew in my heart that I didn't have enough in my band to make the difference I need right now.
*I think this is an advantage of my experience having the band for a year and a half-- I am really getting better at sensing my 'level' and need for fill. I just need to keep trusting my instincts...

So off I drove to NYU, not more than 30 minutes after I posted this morning.
 I wound up seeing Frank instead of Gaspar- they were MEGA-busy, but took me at no-charge as Gaspar promised on Wednesday.  (He said at that time, 'let's see if this works out, and if it doesn't, come back by Monday, and we can adjust you further for no charge.')  I'm so glad he encouraged me to come back, because it was in my head, and knowing that there would be another $125 charge if I left it past today was also a serious motivator for me to get over there this morning.

As I said, they were very busy in the office, so it was a very rushed visit.
It seemed like Frank was rushing, that is, but he listened quickly and thoroughly to my explanations.
I told him that I was able to eat bread and starchy/ sticky foods-- and that I was seeking food/ not satisfied with small and infrequent meals-- and was scared that I was gaining weight at an alarming rate.

Frank actually said that he didn't think that I'd gained weight-- probably water weight (right from the source, y'all)... but that it seemed like I needed more fill to get to the 'sweet spot.'  Things went SO quickly in our discussion, I can't honestly say if he put .3 or .35 more cc's in, but he did put in something like that... which brings me to a higher level of fill I've yet had.  Let's split the difference and say it is 7.6 cc's in a 10 cc band.

At my highest fill, I think I was either at 7.4 or 7.5-- so I'd say that I am nice a zipped up in there!

And, I am so relieved to say: I FEEL IT!! I am NOT starvingly hungry at all... this one is gonna do it for me, I just know it.  And we all know how much confidence plays into success-- so I am going with it.

Today, I've consumed:
1 small latte (from a random coffee shop, right post fill)-- whole milk
1 large latte (from Dunkin Donuts-- for 'lunch')-- whole milk
2 bottles of water (totalling around 32 oz... I need more water)
And I am now working on some wonton soup broth, some miso soup broth, and a bit of cream soup mushroom variety-- along with a dirty martini, that I am sipping ever so slowly.

Oh: and I got back on the scale when I got home tonight, and I was at 161.6.  At least not at 163 again.... I think the salty soups may keep me in the 163 range tomorrow-- but now I will KNOW that my weight will be coming down b/c I will be eating less and with ease in doing so in the coming days.

I learned some things from Frank today, and asked some pointed questions I was wondering about.

First, he told me that he'd recently been at a conference where he learned that the ideal pause between bites is... wait for it:
1 FULL MINUTE!!
Wow.
Give that a shot, yo.  Thirty seconds kind of seems like an eternity-- so a MINUTE?! Frank told me, just do your best, if 30 seconds is a challenge-- aim for 30 seconds and don't get crazy about 1 minute. Thanks Frank!

And, he told me that if you eat really fast, you tend to dilate your band, and that is why it feels like your band 'loosens up' as you eat-- this is NOT desirable, as it allows you to eat more-- exactly the OPPOSITE of what is desired.
This exact side-effect of eating has happened to me more times than I can recall.  It is to be avoided in the future.

Finally: I asked for a definition of 'vomiting' as I've been really confused about nomenclature relative to the band.  Here is what I learned, which was REALLY helpful to me:

VOMITING with a band is defined as wretching, uncontrolled/ involuntary, violent attempts at hacking up the contents of whatever in your stomach.  Vomiting is dangerous and can result in a slipped band at any time.

REGURGITATION with a band is defined as food coming back up that wasn't properly chewed, but there is no 'violent wretching,' no nausea, no 'major' trauma.  (You may or may not even spit out regurgitated food, especially if it is a tiny bit-- this has happened to me, I just swallow it back down. Sorry to be gross... )

I didn't ask about sliming, and now I wish I had-- but I think that it is related more to regurgitation than vomiting.
Anyway, the confusion for me in reading other blogs has been about what we call our 'side effects.'

I'd say that there is probably a range of vomiting to regurgitation when people talk about the dreaded 'PB.'
For the most part, when I've had any 'PB'ing'-- it has been in the 'regurgitation' form.

I can think of 2 times where I had a 'vomiting' episode-- and it really was different than regurgitation.
I am pretty sure both times were associated with getting a pill stuck in my gullet.  I had a SUDDEN and intense sense of nauseation, followed by horrible mouth watering, and then needing to run to a bathroom and spit out copious amounts of saliva-- NOT slime.  I don't even think the pills came back up... and then it subsided.

On the other hand, I would say that I've had a fair bit of regurgitation-- and while that is to be avoided, it is not as severe or terribly dangerous.  Regurgitation is very common, according to Frank-- and it ought to be a learning moment where you realize that you need to slow down, chew chew chew more...

Well, that's about it-- I'm feeling MUCH better, thank you for your lovely and supportive comments-- and keep on trying if you're struggling, just like me.  I'm so glad I'm sharing this difficult time with you all-- it is very real and true, and it is helping me keep on working to get back on track.

NYU here i come

Runs with dog--#3

Like I said yesterday, I'll be taking a picture of myself after every run with my dog-- this morning included, yielding the ugly picture above.  It is hard to smile in these photos, when I'm feeling a bit tired / relaxed after a bit of exercise, sweaty, and very functional.

Perhaps I'll learn to smile habitually.

I am frankly much more concerned with my eating and my weight.

Wondering, should I go back and ask for more? I think maybe yes... got on the scale this morning and it was 163.  What the hell? I don't even recall eating that much yesterday.

I can make a ton of excuses, but- eh.

I ought to get off to the shower and run to NYU without looking back.

'Runs with Dog'-- my new blogging idea...

'Runs with Dog-- Day 1'

'Runs with Dog' Day 2

Here I am this morning, post ~30 minute run/ walk with my dog, Sunday.
She is a great motivator-- and to make it more fun, I am going to give myself the 'treat' of taking my picture right after every run I complete.
I hope it will also be a great record of how I lose weight over time!

Fall seven times, stand up eight... that's where I'm at.

A great inspirational quote by an unknown writer...

You can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit...
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

My Weight Chart:

Time to stand up now... and I'm owning the weight gain by staying really honest and logging my weight on ticker and graph daily.
The worst thing I could do right now would be to go into a state of denial and give up-- not when I just got a fill that will clearly help me!


The weight I'm seeing on the scale is from the couple of weeks of damage I did when I was too loose and 'making up for lost time' (I suppose)... so while I'm wanting to totally freak out and say what the hell happened, and what is happening now-- I have the answers.


1) I ate too much when I was too loose, and gained maybe 2 or even 3 pounds over the course of 3 weeks.
2) I went for my fill on Wednesday and I'm not sure if it is enough-- and I'm still sorting out my behaviors for a tighter band... so I have work to do that will help me throw off water weight.
3) I can't expect to undo a few weeks of damage in a few days... especially if my eating isn't even 'perfected' yet-- AND it is the weekend when I naturally eat a bit more because my routine allows for more time and snacking.

I hope you won't give up on me and assume I'm going to fail and gain all my weight back-- I am honestly freaked out that people are coming onto my blog thinking, 'oh no-- she's about to fail epically-- ugh.'

Perhaps that is what no one thinks but me-- but I am getting that little grain of 'OK, brush off, pick yourself up from the floor and do this thing' persistence thing that has happened to me a few times even during this band journey.

The difference between the old me (the one who would have gone on a radical diet to 'get this weight down NOW and I need to be punished for my trespasses') and the new me is very powerful.

Here is what the new me has to say:
1) OK, accept and OWN the fact that you've gained a bit of weight-- it is NOT the end of the world, but it is something to note and turn around immediately.
2) There is no real reason to worry that the band or I will fail.  Rather: I need to revisit my helpful rules and the things I've learned over this past year and half and get moving in the right direction.
3) It is alright to feel a bit scared, fear is a powerful motivator-- the key is to allow the fear of weight gain to motivate, rather than destroy me or push me into denial mode.

That is why I'm changing my ticker with the daily weight fluctuations I'm having...I usually don't change it that often, but I cannot bury my head in the sand at this point.

4) I am NOT in a situation where I've been on some diet and the novelty has worn off-- and the weight will come right back on. Quite the contrary, I've changed many old habits for new, shiny, improved ones-- and I have a band, I am NOT doing this alone.

Here, I'd like to reiterate some great habits that I need to remember:
* Drink a ton of water ! Water IS filling and at my level of restriction, there is no gulping, so I have to constantly be drinking.  Aim for 10 glasses of water a day (hard target!)
* Keep portion sizes very small, and assume the smallest portion possible.  Think about 1/2 a cup of food or less, that is about all that is needed to satisfy me.
* Focus on filling up on lean proteins and add some fruits and vegetables into the mix.
* Chew, chew, chew-- and wait 30 seconds between bites.
* Before snacking between meals-- ask myself: are you REALLY hungry?
As our friend Karin likes to say, "If hunger is not the problem, then eating isn't the solution."

'Runs with dog' is the name I'm going to earn... and keep on truckin'

I am not sure if you can tell, but that is me, sitting down after my run/ walk with my dog, Sunday, this morning. I'll bet that you recognize me, but the mop of black wet hair may be a bit hard to discern....

In any case: our little puppy is around 9 months old now, and she needs a ton of exercise and structure to help her from tearing up our house.  We talked to our vet about her tendency to dig and chew, and so we all decided what is best is most of the time to be spent in our master bathroom, where there is tile and no furniture (hopefully) that she can get at to chew. (The cabinets are wood, but I think the angle is just impossible.)  When we let her out of her area, she is with the family but we keep her on a leash so she cannot run off and wreak havoc on unsuspecting inanimate objects.

In any case, it is my job to take her for her morning exercise 'walk,' but it occurred to me today that she is very energetic and would enjoy running just as much. So, I strapped on my running shoes, got outfitted and leashed up Sunday and off we went.  I got a nice 30 minute workout, during which much of the time I was running, with breaks here and there for her to do her business and to walk and pant (!) but she had a great time and so did I.  I was careful to keep an eye on her because I know that dogs can over do it to keep up with their owner.  However: I'm off to check out some sites about running with your dog, as this may be a new and growing passion of mine and I want to make sure that Sunday is fit for the task as well...

The Part II of this post is 'how I'm doing' and it is has not been a good and easy post fill-- no fun immediate weight drop-- and I was at a conference yesterday and ate a ton of cookies. Blast. Seriously.

I'm trying not to return to my old diet crazy mind set, but I know that I have been successful in the past year and a half by simply planning a day of eating or two to get myself better situated.  I certainly could use to detoxify myself from the disgusting sugar that I poured into my body yesterday.

The thing that concerns me is that I tried to eat the lunch provided, but couldn't get anything down-- hence: went ape shit for the cookies.
I think that psychologically, what went on was this feeling of deprivation and entitlement-- and whammo: there go the cookies. Oh, and I was hungry.

I can be all or nothing when on liquids-- and it is better than being halfway.  Looking back, I would have been better off just bringing a protein bar with me to my conference (which was all day at a resort place, so there was no way to run off and have lunch on my own off site...) and eating that.  For me: protein bars are really just like mushies or even liquids, because they literally liquidate in my mouth.

Let's step back for a moment here:
I had my re-fill on Wednesday-- so technically speaking, I was to be on liquids on Wednesday thru Thursday.  Friday and Today are supposed to be mushies only-- and I ought to respect the rules, lest I get myself swollen and discouraged.

I also want to watch my calorie and sodium intake... so that I can get that scale to stop giving me discouraging feedback. I don't want to be in fear mode of gaining all my weight back.  I can take control now.


So here's what's on the plan for today-- mushies and liquids:
Coffee with milk/ Water/ Tea
Egg Salad
Tuna or salmon salad
Protein Bar
Applesauce
1 Glass of wine (optional)

*Update: it is 12 noon, so far today, I've had coffee with milk, water, and 1 egg salad prepped with lite mayo and some whole milk, water, water...
I'm having another cup of coffee with milk now-- and then I will be having a babybel cheese and some watermelon.

This evening- we're going out to celebrate DH's birthday to our fave place, actually the same one that was the scene of the crime last week-- but this week, I'll have oysters, and MAYBE an appetizer of the tuna tartar.  No dessert and NO BREAD. ONE glass of white wine..

I can do this!

Calling all successful bandsters! Help!!

I just realized from my previous post that I really could use some encouragement, pearls of wisdom, and feedbackin the form of looking at other people's stories of how they are rocking the band currently.

If you are in the mood and would like to talk about recent successes, either in a comment to me or in your own separate blog, I hope you'll take me up on my request.

By the way: I am asking for feedback from ANYONE who wants to give it-- please DO NOT feel that you have to have reached your goals... please do not put a time limit on yourself.  If you are rocking your pre-op diet, I'd love to hear from you. If you are 5 years out, I'd love to hear from you.
If you recently gained weight, but are back on track, I'd love to hear from you... get it: all comers are welcome.
(Well, except anyone who wants to be a band basher in my comments-- those comments will be immediately deleted...of course. But I'm glad to say no one has dared come on here to bash the band, I think I've made it clear that I do not welcome detractors on this blog as they are unhelpful, unwelcome, mean-spirited, petty and small minded (usually NOT small-bodied, though.))

Here are some questions I'd love to hear about from anyone feeling more confident than I do at the moment.  Please answer any or all:

* What would you say is the most important lesson or lessons you've learned about eating since you've been banded, and how has this contributed to your weight loss?

* How are you sustaining your motivation to continue forward?

* If you've experienced any discouraging set back moments, how did you deal with them, how long did they take to pass-- and what sort of specific strategies might you suggest that could work?

* Have you ever worried about being a complete failure at the band, and then gotten over that worry-- if so: did you tell yourself certain things that helped or do certain activities that reassured you?

* What is the proudest accomplishment you've made relative to your band journey thus far?

* What are you looking forward to doing next in your journey?

* Where do you see yourself 1 year from now and how are you planning to get yourself there?

* What sort of goal setting do you do in general, and how do you motivate yourself to keep going towards those goals?

* What is the most difficult thing about having the band and what makes it worth it anyway?

* Given the choice, would you be too tight or too loose and why?  How would you handle either situation if you couldn't get in to your doctor for 4 weeks?

* What are your 3 to 5 'desert island band foods'-- things you WOULD NOT/ could not/ don't want to live without? What do you eat virtually every day and why?

* How many meals do you generally eat per day and at what times?

* Do you exercise, and if so, about how much? Do you think exercise has been pivotal to your weight loss?


Thank you in advance for anything you can do to help this blogger out (I am sure it will help others too.) And: I promise to pay it forward whenever I can...

Owning up and getting back down...

I got on the scale this morning: 161.0.
I've officially gained weight, and the fill hasn't yet helped me take it off-- but I am (trying to be) confident that this fill will work for me and I will work for me.
As a matter of fact, I'm virtually certain it will-- and if it doesn't, guess what: I'll go back and add more.  I won't give up, not with this band.

But let's get back to the band for a minute.
This fill has barely had a moment to kick in for me-- and I'll bet that it will probably do the trick.
And: while I won't make excuses, and that's why I changed my ticker to 161... I know that I am retaining water and haven't thrown it off yet because my rings are very tight.  PS: I've been eating soups to keep to my post fill band rules and I'm talking Campbell's cream soups, which are easy and filling.  Those are FILLED to the brim with sodium.

So, the smoke's gotta clear before I know where I'm at.
I need to remind myself not to get desperate and think that I need to go on some sort of stupid 'diet.'  I just need to let this fill help me and make smart choices and LISTEN to my body.

For example, it is 6:20 in the morning as I write this. I am sipping a cup of coffee w/ ff cream-- and my stomach feels very full.  Definitely no need to eat anything right now.  I just need to KEEP listening.  I trust Dr. Ren and recall that she said that when the band is adjusting right, the weight just comes off.

I also recall that she told me to eat quality whole foods, not fake foods (ahem, fat free creamer... oops.)  She encouraged full fat cheese over low fat cheese and 30 seconds between bites.

If I follow all of this, I know I will succeed and that ticker will be changing before you can say "Lap Band!"

The luck of the Gaspar...

Hi y'all, so if you saw my last post (earlier today) you'll know that I'm filled back up to 7.35cc's of fluid in my band.  I guess we could have gone more conservative, and I'm already having my worries and doubts-- but that is what a little glass of wine is for, right?
I need to let the fill settle a little before I decide it is way too much.

What I can tell you is that it is like NIGHT and DAY.
Suddenly, the effort to drink is back- I can drink, but I do it in small sips and pause between... and I'm being a good bandster and following my practice's rules: nothing but liquids day of fill and next day, followed by mushies for the 2 following days.
What I've eaten today:
Water
Coffee with milk
Dunkin Donuts Latte
2/3rd of a can of cream of mushroom soup
1/4 cup of protein shake
1 glass of wine (working on that now)
Water

I don't want to get myself all swollen and not even know if this fill is REALLY working.

Oh: and I'm in mourning for food... what food? I'm not quite sure, because there are so many things I haven't been able to eat properly for so long-- so what's the mourning for?  Maybe it is just that I am limited to liquids today-- and that makes me long for NOT liquids.
I want some mushies already-- I'm dreaming of some egg salad or chicken or tuna salad, or some feta cheese or something!!!!

But, I'll be soldiering on-- hopefully watching that scale dial right back.

.35 cc's in (to bring me to 7.35 cc's total)-- hopefully watch the weight DROP

Saw Gaspar for an earlier appointment than I'd originally scheduled and we decided together on 7.35 cc's-- and I can go back within the next couple of days, if I find that it is too much or not enough...

He is very supportive and didn't make me feel any more shame than I already felt seeing my weight being up to 162.6 on their scale, from being at 159.6 at my last visit right before memorial day weekend.  I'll tell ya-- that man knows his bands, and he predicted my return.

He is there supporting me in this process, and I am SO GLAD to have him and that office, but I have a bit of special love for Gaspar!!  I love the non-judgmental attitude, and the problem solving approach-- and the willingness and encouragement to keep trying!! He understood why I felt bad that my loose band was making me feel demoralized and sad.. but also brushed it away saying that that is why I got the band-- at least I think that is what he said?!

I was more focused on pointing out my symptoms, which belong right on the LB 'zones' chart-- I was:
Hungry
Eating larger portions
Seeking food
Not satisfied one I ate something
Not losing weight

What does all that add up to? YELLOW ZONE!

So, 7.35 is where we landed and I can tell you this afternoon that it is TIGHT, and drinking fluids is on the slow side-- so I am keeping a close eye.  I am not having any burning in the chest and no sense of inability to handle my own saliva or anything.

Let's recall, I am on full liquids for 2 days (this day and tomorrow)- followed by only mushies for the next 2 days.  So it will take  a bit of time for the 'smoke to clear' on this fill.  We shall see, but I'll get those guilty 3 pounds off in no time.

Worst.mood.(?ever?)

OK, maybe not my worst mood ever, because I can certainly see many lights at the end of the tunnel.
For instance: I feel like a fat pig right now.  I need my band and it is too loose, despite the fact that I have restriction-- I don't have many of the great green zone perks.
What that means in practical terms is that I am slowed down in my eating, I can eat less comparatively-- but now that the band is too loose, I am seeking food, snacking, needing larger portions to get 'satisfied' and virtually never feeling satisfied.  Argh.  It is totally depressing.

Here I was thinking I was all superior and suddenly a 'thin person.'  Strike that, reverse it. I am still fat on the inside-- I may be thinner on the outside, but hell to the NO.  I am nowhere near fixed habits.  Have I said it is depressing?
Nope, this is still me...

September 2010 (a few months prior to banding... decision to band MADE and unflattering pictures NOT destroyed on sight!)

Before banding, some exercise time... Fall 2010

Probably my heaviest ever-12/6/10 (hovering around 200lbs)

January 2010, shortly after band surgery

Even though I look like this on the outside now:

I guess what is depressing is to know how truly dependent I am on this fucking band.
What was I thinking, that I suddenly knew how to manage my cravings and appetite? No way. All that I have learned is that you can eat less of ANYTHING and loose weight-- but as soon as you let go of being in control, you will stop losing weight and/ or gain weight.

Yesterday was not a good eating day, particularly in light of the fact that I had a bunch of green olives on a lunch salad--so I did not get on the scale to get even more demoralized.

Oh, and have I mentioned: I will be seeing LAURA at NYU on Thursday-- I cannot imagine that I will not be getting a fill...I've pretty much determined that I need a fill based on my own assessment of my return of 'symptoms' (seeking food, larger portions, cravings, obsessing about dieting again, NOT losing weight.)

HAS ANYONE OUT THERE MET AND DEALT WITH LAURA AT NYU-- is she good?
I think I've seen her before, is she the blond??

If I hear any terrible reviews from you guys (please let me know, stat!) I will reschedule with Gaspar....or Dr. Ren... but honestly, I think I prefer Gaspar for this 're-fill' since he unfilled me and pretty much predicted this would happen (too loose, need to come back for a slight adjustment.)

Right now, I am at 7 cc's-- and I've been here before and at 7.2, 7.3 and 7.4.

I looked back through my blog (see December 8th, 2010-- where I finally got the fill that was right but tight-- 7.4, and then lost about 10 pounds, and got stuck, more or less, where I am today.) Perhaps 7.3 is what I ought to go for? I know that I need to work  along with my care providers, and I will, but being in the experienced frame of mind that I am in... I think I need to know what I'm seeking so I don't need to return again in a very short frame of time.
7.4 was a bit OVER-tight, if you recall my last several months of posting (but it was what elicited the 10 pound loss.)
So, as I'm saying: 7.3 may be a good way to go-- tight, but not quite as restricted to avoid soft food syndrome???

I do not blame anyone, and as I write this and ventilate, it does feel better, and I know that I am doing something.  But to Catherine, especially, who wrote about this recently: OH YEAH, the band has a great deal to do with my happiness.  Because you know what: when I fundamentally can set aside my worries about being fat or getting fat or needing to go on a diet because I am afraid that I am too fat, getting fat or have gained weight ( you get the obsessive spiral here, right?)

And then, the other little life perturbations, big and small (dog ripping up carpet!!! argh-- when will she cut this bad behavior out?  we are pretty sure it is 9 month puppy mode and are trying to give her a ton of exercise and attention, but she is like a bottomless pit of need for both, house repairs needed by hubs who is busy and trying to do his best, and also potential 'place I go' option that could result in a big location change for my family...)  bleh!!!!!!...

... are manageable.  Because at least my weight is under control.

Y'all, this may be ugly, but is is my truth and I own it.

I am so glad I got the band to help me, because I really cannot do it on my own, this little episode is proof positive.

A better day yesterday, but YES, I will go get a re-fill on the tank

Hey y'all, thx for the great comments.
I am sitting here watching Oprah's OWN network great show 'Addicted to Food.' Really enjoying it.

I will get myself into the doc's office soon for a re-fill... all of your advice was excellent, I am clearly stuck where I am... 160.0 this am (grrrr.) Time to use the band some more...
Unfortunately, this week at my 'place I go' is even worse than usual.  But I will look for some time to go sometime this week, gotta call for an appointment.

Have a good Sunday night y'all.

Picture post: remembering some of my heaviest moments...

I have to be honest with myself and you guys: I can eat so much more now that my band is loosened, and to be perfectly frank, I am starting to hate the freedom.

WTF? Right...?

Well: I just know how much the band has been helping me, because I am having a recall, not a total recall, but a recall nonetheless, of my previous appetite, food seeking/ craving, and waking up daily thinking: "what am I going to do about my weight?"
Well: if that is not an indication that I need to return to the surgeon's office and get a bit of my fill put back, I seriously don't know what is.
I ought to quit pretending that I can do this on my own and go back-- right? I'm pretty sure I am right.

Where I came from: DL at ~199 lbs

Wow, look at the 'old me'

A few days post op...

What a difference a band, a year and a half, and 40 lbs make...excuse the weird expression!

Last night, we went out to dinner and I overate.  Yes: I paid the consequences of feeling like I was SICK with overeating (I have previously compared this to the feeling of just finishing Thanksgiving dinner...)

I just went home and laid on my bed and went to sleep.

Now: I want you to know what all I ate.  We are talking about overeating for the LAP BAND, rather than down home overeating-- you may even laugh at the 'disgusting amount of food' because it really wasn't so bad:

2 glasses of wine (over the course of about an hour and a half)

3 blue point oysters

1 dinner roll with butter

1 appetizer of sushi grade tuna with 'coconut foam' and basil oil

1 appetizer of scallops and watercress salad (literally: there were 2 scallops and maybe a quarter of a cup of salad)

~10 bites of dessert (my son got cookies for dessert/ and we also ordered a chocolate bread pudding to share as a family)

1 espresso

I was STUFFED.

I made some good choices-- the seafood is low in calories, and the best possible items I could ever have on the menu-- and I LOVE it.  But, just WAY WAY WAY too much food!!!!!

If I could jump in my time machine, I would, of course, have skipped the bread and butter... but now that I can eat it, I have to 'expect more of myself' and NOT eat the bread.

I would eat all the oysters again: They are low in calories and are no-regret food in my opinion.

I might not have finished the appetizer #1 and eaten only part of appetizer #2.  Maybe 2 bites of dessert and 1 glass of wine, instead of 2.

So many old habits rearing their ugly head:

1) Our dinner took a long time, so we were offered an extra glass of wine, and I said yes.

Better decision: no 2nd glass of wine

2) Bread basket: ate a piece of bread with butter

Better decision: skip the bread and the butter

3) Ordered two appetizers and 'cleaned my plate'

Better decision: enjoy each appetizer, noting the risking sense of getting full, noting the 'amount' rising (remember my poor little tummy only holds about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of food...)-- and STOP eating.

4) Ordered my own dessert

Better decision: share dessert with hubs and adorable son, no need to have ordered my own, that just made the quantity of dessert on the table so much greater. argh.

5) Ignored signs of fullness and kept eating anyway.

Better decision: remember my goals and not more important than food, I can eat any time I like, and I still have ~15 pounds to lose before reaching a normal BMI.

I got the surgery to reach that healthy marker!!

I have to confide in all of you and myself that I feel discouraged and scared.  But I don't feel like giving up, and I know that help is out there.

I wish that I were 'naturally thin' -- just the way I pretend to be in my head sometimes... and it is soooo not true.  Just seeing these returns of my behavior that contributed to my problem with obesity is horribly discouraging.

** Warning, self loathing and self-doubt alert**

Has nothing changed? Am I still the fat pig I always was?

Will I fail entirely and prove all the assholes who hate on WLS right?

/end self-doubt and self-loathing (right here.)

NOW THAT'S ENOUGH self-pity!

I'm a problem solver, a never-giver-upper, an analyst, a successful bandster.

A bit of a struggle does not make for failure.

That's life, yo.

I refuse to be down on myself for another second (at least right now. ) Time for me to pick myself up, brush off, and take charge. Time for me to seek the help I need, again.  That's why I got the damn band. And as I've been saying, Gaspar predicted that this might happen... he's an expert and I believe him, and I am not MAKING it happen because he said so.  I am genuinely more driven to eat, craving more, and having a much harder time stopping myself.

HELLO, band? I need more of your help again.

I've clearly got to get back to the office and get another fill-- I won't want to get quite as much in as when I went up to 7.4 cc's (and I know Dr. Ren is always saying 'don't worry how much is in your band...'*)  But maybe .2 cc's back?

*As a note, I really disagree with Dr. Ren on this account.

I imagine that I, like most bandsters, really can use the amount that is known to be in our bands to help us decide on next steps, particularly in the context of knowing how other fills have worked.

Therefore, I know that 7.4 really restricted me- and I recall I had a very precipitous weight loss after I got a fill to that level-- like 10 pounds in a month.

I am not sure if I want to go that far, but maybe I should as for .3 cc's?

I know I'll be limiting my range of foods and particularly 'sticky carbs'-- but who needs those?

I need to be able to eat lean protein, fruits and veggies-- and I believe that I can do that with more fill... I'm off to the NYU site to see if they have any known Saturday hours.

I've got to go in, whether it is today or sometime next week...

*Updated: no weekend hours... I'll get in there sometime next week.

Look ma, I'm feeling FREE! (Taken last weekend... ~159 lbs)

Taken this morning... a bad meal doesn't put all the weight back...

As I say in the caption: a bad meal will not put all of the weight back, but I'm watching and being careful, very careful.

159.6... autofill on blogger sucks if you're stuck

I just typed in '159.6' and a number of other titles that look almost identical (159.whatever... once again etc) came up as autofill for my title.
While I am thrilled to see '15' in front of my weight, I am so precariously close to '16' being there.  I recall that I had a similar experience in the winter which ended which a fairly large fill... hmmmm (that was to get me out of the 170's and I stayed at that level of tightness until recently.)

 I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but these thoughts occupy my mind whenever I post-- I am stuck now, so do I need to get another fill? Or do I listen to Barbara, who cannot be wrong about carb cycling.  Look: we don't have to be doctors to know that lowering carbs helps throw off water-- but I am completely 'diet' averse!!!!  So, as soon as I think of limiting all carbs-- it just doesn't happen.

What I can say on a positive note is that I continue to plug away, weigh in virtually every day-- and my weight is down from when I returned from my trip.

I'm disappointed that I momentarily hit my all time low of 157.5-- and haven't seen it for 2 weeks, but I am not giving up at all.
As you know, if you've been reading my blog over the past year and a half, I am totally committed to doing what I need to do to get my weight to normal BMI standards.  Are these standards a bit arbitrary? Yes.  But it is what I set out to do.

And then I want to get my weight lower still.

I am beginning to wonder whether I've hit a standstill that exercising much more or eating much less (or maybe a combo of both) will simply not solve...  but one thing I do know is that time will tell.  If I keep weighing in every day and staying on top of my numbers over time the pattern will clarify itself.

Hence: I may be back with Dr. Ren in July and getting a bit more fill put back.  We shall see, we shall see.

160.1 today... on the cliffs of insanity?

Ha ha, just kidding-- though it is maddening to be right where I am, know that I need to change and have difficulty doing so.
I am trying to take a patient approach with myself.
First, the unfill REALLY helped me to be able to eat a wider variety of foods-- that is great, and I am much more able to eat veggies and lean proteins to satisfy myself.  Second, the unfill made me realize how much the band was helping me, both behaviorally and physiologically-- my hunger and appetite, seeking of food, and my ability to eat a wider variety of foods is a blessing and a curse.  I'm back to having to exert MORE controls over myself, rather than able to lean heavily on my band.

As Catherine said yesterday, in many ways, the band IS a magic wand, if you use it correctly.  It does take away the horrendous struggle against hunger and cravings and does teach you your limits.  But the looser you have your band (and this is very individual) the more you have to put into it yourself.  I am NOT saying I am unwilling to do the work.  Rather: I am simply observing that if I can NOT do the work on my own-- I will have to seek more help from the band.

As I recall, I had .4 ccs taken out from a 7.4 cc band.  That may have been a hair too much-- and that is what Gaspar thought might happen.
Now that I can eat more and the band is not punishing me with side effects for less good choices like carbs AND I've had more of a return to hunger-- based on the unfill and the decreased swelling I probably did have...I'm having to exert more 'willpower.'

Well: screw 'willpower'-- it never worked for me in the past.  What I'm going to have to do is keep a close watch on my weight and this plateau for a week or two more, and if I cannot make any more headway, I'll go BACK to the office and get a slight fill back in.  I know I don't need to be as tight as I was, but maybe a pinch more would help with hunger/ appetite and cravings.

No, the band is NOT a magic wand.  It is actually a rather delicate instrument....gotta take the dog out!

Picture post, Camping, chocolate, and PMS...160.4 (yesterday)

I went camping this weekend with my martial arts school and my family, here are a few pictures:

This is at the top of a 2.5 mile very steep mountain climb: exhausted!!!

We were hardly roughing it... see the wine glass!?

But yes, that is a tent, and that is where we slept.

Swinging-- comfortably seated on the swing

There's my boys.

A comparison shot of the boys...

I was in the WORST mood that I can recall in a long time on Monday-- perhaps cranky from missing some sleep over the weekend, missing a medication dose (it can really be bad to do that,) and I'm on day 24 of my cycle... it is still a mystery and a changing one to understand what my hormones are doing.

But full disclosure, I was hungry like and ox and ate like a pig yesterday.  I kid you not and I am going to band hell for it UNLESS I atone like, today, now.  I will (shamefully) admit here: I ate most of small cheeseburger from Burger king and a small fries, and then I ate a 3 Muskateers bar AND a king size (individual serving, but king size) bag of mini Reese's PB cup.

I can't account for what came over me, other than moods, hormones, and a looser band-- especially after being so tight for so many months... but I am kind of wondering if I better go over and get my band tightened up again???
I will know if I have a repeat performance of this type of binge-y behavior (which I don't recall being characteristic of me-- but maybe it was???) and then I will run back to the doctor's office.  I just don't want to put on a lot of weight.

I DID NOT get on the scale this morning, and I am giving myself today to have a ton of water, lots of lean proteins and veggies and get right.  Keep the sugar way down too.  But I had to come here and admit what happened to you all, because it is all part of the process.

Better eating starts here and today. NOW.

Food journal:
coffee/ half and half
bfast: (9am)
1 egg/ 1 egg white omelette w/ 1 wedge Laughing cow lite cheese and tomatoes
lunch: (12:53 pm)
1 oz cheddar cheese; 1/2 protein bar
coffee: 2:30pm (w/ half and half)-- 40
snack (4:30 pm)
2/3rd cup pirate's booty (organic cheese puffs)- 110
sliver of cheese (1/4 of an ounce)- 50
1 ounce of kosher salami-- 150
dinner 6:45pm
salad w/ chicken, avocado and bacon

....

My best friend? and 159.6

I was over at Jen S's blog this am.
Click to say 'speedy recovery' to our friend Jen!
-- please go send her some recovery love, that is, if Blogger allows it!  She had her band removed yesterday and is now home and recovering.

She said that she 'only cried once' yesterday and it really struck me... the band is a lot like a best friend to many of us.  My band supports me, doesn't go away when I complain about it or wish it wasn't there-- i.e. have an 'argument with it' (on the rare occasions I feel crap about it,) and has helped me improve and become a better and happier person on the whole.  I know my band has added value to my life, and even when I don't pay close attention to it my band stays with me.

I have a best girlfriend whom I LOVE to bits, but we talk only every few months.  How friggin' sad, right? She and I both have small kids and busy lives... and we live in two different states (not as far as Jen and Draz, mind you-- their regular connection is very impressive!)  However: I accept the reality that right now in our lives, and until we are not consumed with raising our small children plus jobs, I won't get in touch with her that often.  I'm a part of that reality, I have so little time and energy to do much more than go to my place I go every day (two hours of commuting at the minimum each weekday) and then be with my family on the weekends...  excuses excuses.

But I've digressed.

So this morning I was at 159.6.  Thanks to Linda and Camille for your comments-- I'm taking to commenting back to peeps right in my blog, lest blogger screws ME over and prevents comments...
Yeah: all weight gain is NOT equal-- I just worry about slipping into denial, so I pay close attention to the signs.

I agree: 5 pounds of weight gain from the weekend would be pretty unlikely, and even 1 pound would have been unlikely based on what I was eating-- I would have had to eat 3500 calories EXTRA to put on the pound, on top of my daily requirements....
When I think about the fact that I am 40 years old, somewhat sedentary, with the exception of a daily 15 minute walk with my dog and weekly Tai Kwon Do classes (ugh, that sounds AWFUL and changeworthy....)-- I probably only need about 1300-1400 calories per day at the MAX.  So, if I really overdid it at the weekend, I might have wound up having a grand total of an extra 700 or 800 calories per day. [I can't even RECALL what I ate, though. Food journal anyone???]

Based on the above:
perhaps I actually gained half a pound or so, and a gain like that is really significant for me-- as I am losing so slow and am so razor close to the 160's.  Let's recall that my ALL TIME LOW at this point was 157.5...

And as of this morning, I am two pounds up from that low.
I still do think I am retaining some water, and perhaps my 157.5 was an artificial momentary low after I was able to take in a lot of water and throw off some bloat from a prolonged tight band.

Perhaps I was really more at 158 than 157.5?  So there you go....


What it all adds UP to is that I ate too much over the weekend last weekend!

What an AMAZING lesson in how delicate the balance is for me-- just a bit of overdoing it for more than one meal at a time and blammo-- a week of agonizing backing DOWN the scale.

Lesson learned: a moment on the hips, a week on the hips (or longer.)
(Did someone once say something like that? Ha ha.)

Suffice it to say that I will be remembering this past weekend and a learning experience and keeping very close tabs on what I eat as I trudge ahead....

I've got to run and have so much more to share with you all, more soon!