166.8-- a new low for a new year!

Yay!  This is a great way to end the year... and to end the holiday season.  A new low, which is so satisfying because we all know the risks of holiday weight gain, and no matter about the treats that I did eat-- the band truly helped me keep the rest of my portions so much smaller than usual, I didn't gain.  I lost!

Winning!

My 2011 Commitment to Blogging

As promised, here I am writing one of the 4 blogger suggestions that I posted yesterday. This one is my"Commitment to Blogging" in 2011.

As part of my "Commitment to Blogging"-- I am going to try to post more pictures of me and my progress. Why not ? This is my blog, and I always love to see how people progress and I just love looking at pictures!

So: why not me?

To that end, here are some shots I just took this morning with my Mac cam.  The clothes I am wearing in these shots are significant to me. Here is the back story.  The picture you see right below is where the suit I fit into this morning has lived (i.e. on the hanger) since March of 2007.

You're all smart people and can probably guess why this perfectly good suit did not get any wear for nearly 4 years, right?  Obviously: I could not even hope to fit into it.

This suit was extra demoralizing to me (in the past) because it was the only suit I bought after losing weight down to 157 pounds on Jenny Craig in 2007.  But I quickly gained the weight back and I imagine I wore the suit ONE time before it got way too tight.  Argh.  That's the crazyness of 'crash dieting'-- which is essentially what Jenny Craig was for me.  I am sure it may work for a few, but the vast majority of JC'ers seem to gain their weight back-- trust me, I was on on those message boards for a long time.  Sad-- and I wish all of those dieters the best, but it really didn't work for me in the end.

But I've digressed:

What a terrific 'NSV' to be able to FINALLY get into this suit and find it wearable.  The slacks are wearable but snug, still-- but with a couple more pounds off, I will add them to my 'suit rotation.'  Don't get me wrong, it's not a surprise that I've finally gotten back into these pants, I've been trying them on for about 4 months to see my progress!!

The suit is mixed sizing: 12 for the slacks, 10 for the jacket-- and this is also a remarkable change because my ample tush and hips used to cause me to be at least 2 sizes from my jacket size!!
As an FYI: This suit is from Macy's, their 'store brand' which is very reasonably priced.  The pants aren't lined, but the jacket is lined.  I've since begun branching out to buy suits at Lord and Taylor-- but I am pretty routinized about suit buying. It IS still hard to get the right selection when you have two different sizes (top and bottom.) So, now I just opt to buy suit separates.  Fortunately, many designers are doing this now!  Of course: there is tailoring that can be done to make suits the perfect fit... and I've tailored a bunch of clothes this past year... but still... I do better when I can buy the pants a size larger than the top. Not sure if that will ever change.

12/30/10-- 167.4 pounds

6/28/10 -- 177.9 pounds

And now for some other fun shots from this morning's photo shoot:

Suit pants sans jacket-- you can't see the pinstripes, but they are there!

Size 10 Jacket-- love the orange lining

Size 12 pants

 

My face shot this AM-- no make-up, be kind with comments!!

Ideas for posts

Hi, I just was reading up on some blogs and making a few spare comments here and there, where I realized there were several great ideas for posts that are coming up.

Here are some that I definitely want to do, and that I would ask anyone who is reading my blog to consider as well:

1) An "Introduction" or "Re-introduction" post (a la Amy W. from "Once upon a time in the land of Cheese and Sunkist)
2) A "Taking Stock" post (a la many, many bands: typically around a special occasion (either birthday or bandiversary) in which you take a look at the last year or so, or a significant period of time and look at your successes and your challenges- and then honestly offer those up for others to help you reflect, or offer your own reflections on how you'd like to continue to grow and move ahead. (Unless you're perfect, in which case, stop blogging. Ha ha.)
3) A "Menu" Post of potential resolutions for the upcoming year.  I think we all have some great ideas-- and sharing them amongst ourselves may help A LOT in deciding what are the greatest things to focus on for the year.  *That said: I have always hated making resolutions at the New Year, but I think it was weight related.
This year, the first year I've experienced consistent weight loss success, I'm ready to make some great resolutions and try to stick with them!!
4) A "Pledge to continue to blog this year" post.
I've said, time and again, that blogging keeps me sane and it is a way to get support, love, feedback etc etc.  It is a wonderful community-- and often, once we reach certain milestones OR stumble and don't want to have to admit it for fear of judgment (shame) -- we sometimes STOP blogging.
I think that quitting blogging is sad, and it is unnecessary.
We all don't have to blog every day, but keeping up our blogs is a wonderful gift to ourselves to stay focused on some time for ourselves each time we blog.

I think I'm gonna try to do ALL of the posts I've suggested above.  See you soon!

Are we back yet?

My husband, the morning after the Blizzard of 2010-- around 2 feet of snow!

It has been a pretty quiet time, I reckon, in blogland.  At least it has been for me, but maybe that is because I am off of my typical 'blogging game' because of the new puppy.  I used to get up, have some quiet time, blog and drink my coffee.

But since our little "Sunday" came into our house-- my morning blogging just hasn't been happening consistently.  Add that to the irregularities of the holiday season and voila: very little blogging from Dinnerland.

Well, that's gotta stop because I love me some good blogging and I've barely had a chance to read any of your blogs either, let alone comment.  And I know that accountability and self-reflection are critical to my success and we all share that!

As for my 'progress'-- there isn't much to speak of right now, except for by comparison.

Today, I got on the scale and was 167.8 and then hopped back on to see 169.2.  That ought to teach me to get on twice!  I can believe my weight is 'jacked' (as in water retention) to 169.2 today because I literally had about 2 tablespoons of black caviar (from the supermarket aisle, not super fancy) on melba toast in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. Salty!!
But all in all, I am hovering around 167.5ish, with my next milestone being 166 point anything.  It's coming, it's coming.

On another interesting note: as an experiment, I attempted a fast food enjoyment that I would have LOVED in my past and haven't dared to try since pre-band: a Mcdonald's Cheeseburger and small fries with a small diet coke.

Um, nope.

I guess I am SUPER lucky in that NONE of it went down well and I ended up throwing out the whole mess after about 2 bites of burger w/ bun and 5 fries, maybe 5 sips of soda.  That officially 'didn't agree with me' at all and I won't be going back for more.

On one hand: this is honestly a bit saddening and maddening-- truth be told.  Why can't I have a McDonald's burger? Wah!!!

But on the other hand, this is EXACTLY what I was after with the band-- behavioral modification.  

If the burger were a beautiful cut of meat, I could have taken it off the bun and had some bites, chewed well, and even had a few fries.  But it wasn't-- it was McDonalds, and the only way to eat and enjoy that type of meat (my opinion) is smothered in ketchup, w/ pickles, bun, onions and slurped down with yummy soda. 

But those days are WAY over for me-- and that is why I am some 35 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year.  Thank you band.

Even though the 'dreaded' side effects are what truly stopped me from continuing my burger escapade, and those side effects are not for everyone-- and that is why the band isn't a solution for anyone unwilling to listen to her body-- they worked well for me.  I kind of knew what I was getting into with trying the burger... but I wanted to give it a whirl, having gone so long (not with great difficulty, I might add...) without eating McDonald's or any fast food.  Usually, if my husband and son get burgers from a McDonald's or BK (maybe every month or every other month, depending...) I've just passed or eaten one of my son's chicken nuggets.  (Those do happen to be edible for me, but I am also kind of grossed out by the 'non-food' nature of the nuggets as well.)

Onward.

Holy cripes, it's gonna be a blizzard! And summer day memories...

Just a picture post today-- lazy poster these past few days...

Jordan today 12/26/10

Jordan and me, Summer 2010 (about 10 pounds heavier than I am now!

                                                                            

It's quiet out there... and holiday eating

So, it seems somewhat quiet out there in blogland-- and I guess I've also not been blogging as much as usually do. (I've been told I'm fairly prolific, and I suppose an entry most days qualifies.)

Anyhow: I can typically relate how much blogging I am doing to how well or poorly I am eating-- so here I am, back and taking account of my behavior in the last few days.  Not. good.

I had a super stressful week last week, including personal and PIG stress, and then more PIG stress to beat the band this week.  It seems in my PIG-world, things don't seem to stop at the holidays.  Plus, the person in charge has poor insight into how to manage people. Very good money manager-- the place is financially solid, which is good.  And I won't be losing my PIG placement against my will any time soon.  Yesterday, I got a compliment which went something like this:
DL: Well, we could counter-offer that person who just gave notice if that's what you want to do.
Person in Charge: I would ALWAYS counter-offer, I mean, if you gave notice, I'd counter-offer-- I'd counter offer ANYONE who was halfway decent!

Hmmm. These are the compliments I've got to 'savour.'  This was right after I learned that I will have yet another person reporting in to me. Oh joy.  Seriously, when the Person in Charge told me that little development, in the context of my saying so and so just gave notice and coming up with a contingency plan because the person who gave notice takes care of patients....
I said "Oh no!!" and put my head in my hands-- yes, right in front of her!!

Then I quickly pulled myself together and said-- "I'm so sorry-- I'm just overwhelmed today!! Of course I will be thrilled to have 'xyz' report to me."
Barf.

In other news: I am eating chocolates that are around and feeling like a heffer-- and also feeling more hungry than usual.
Well, the usual reigning in must occur RIGHT NOW.  Today my weight was at 168.2.
So I am well and truly out of the 170's-- amen to that-- but I need to get to my next little milestone of 166-- a number I haven't seen in many years.

How to do that?
Must. cut. sugar. consumption.
Makes me SO cravey that I actually think I am feeling hunger when I am not hungry.  My body is officially confused by my behavior.

So, back to basics.
Lean protein, veggies, fruits and lots of water!  It all works so well with the band-- and this is why the band is SO AWESOME.  I have more confidence in myself to get myself back on the right eating track than I've EVER had in my life.

Yipee for that!
And fortunately: we do not celebrate Christmas, so I will not have to contend with a big family gathering and a Christmas dinner with a million treats.  We Jews eat Chinese and go to the movies-- and there are plenty of reasonable choices in the Chinese realm.

As for the movies-- if I feel noshy, I can always have a chocolate protein bar, which feels like a candy bar, but often serves as a meal to me.

Happy Christmas to all, please be healthy, happy and SAFE!!

xo DL

Me today

For comparison-- if you click the link: here is the same outfit, but just a month and about three pounds ago... I don't see much difference in my appearance.
But I do see a difference in the fact that I DID break out of the 170's!!

http://dinnerland.blogspot.com/2010/11/le-sigh.html

Great day in the morning

I love justice and when the right thing prevails-- there is hope for our country: Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed in the US!  I feel very passionate about the rights of gays in our country, and have been so saddened and disgusted by the fact that they cannot serve openly.  Viva the social liberals!!

In other news, this is NOT a picture of my dog, but it might as well be: she looks almost exactly like a baby Ewok:

Here is Sunday Brownie G.'s picture for comparison:

What else can I tell you today? Picture posts are fun-- I must do more of them!

My weight was 167.6 this am-- and I am finding this fill to continue to be successful.  Sometimes it isn't easy.  My 'head' wants to eat more, but my body can only accommodate a few bites.  I really need to concentrate on getting the right nutrition into my body b/c I am limited as to my intake. 

I was thinking a bit about this limit, and about how every weight loss plan is really a series of choices at the end of the day.

Detractors of the band will say it is too extreme, not fast enough, disgusting to have side effects like the occasional 'PB' or 'sliming,' or terrible to have to forge a relationship with your surgeon and practice for the rest of your life.

I want to answer those concerns-- not for the anti-bandsters and WLS detractors, but for anyone considering a band.  *I am NOT recommending the band for ANYONE.  It is a personal and medical decision for each individual-- however: I am going to set some things straight about issues I've read recently:

1) The band is 'too extreme' and it is unnecessary because it is essentially just a 'diet.'

Well, all I can say to this one is that this is purely an opinion, and you can decide for yourself.  While I fully acknowledge that I have lost weight with the band by lowering my calories (restriction of calories is how the band works)-- I am absolutely certain, and I have the pictures to prove it, that I tried to do the same thing for many years and only GAINED weight due to difficulty disciplining my appetite.

Call me weak and undisciplined.  You're completely right in the arena of weight loss.  Just a year ago, I was demoralized, scared, and incapable of helping myself anymore. So I went to doctor and got help.

So, I just call myself someone who prefers to use the best tools available to reach maximal health results.  I just call myself someone who would take insulin for diabetes if I had it and I needed it.  I wouldn't simply try to 'will' myself to produce some insulin on my own.

2) The band doesn't work 'fast enough.'

Again: this is a matter of opinion.  I have read in some blogs that weight loss was a 'life or death' situation, more or less-- so gastric bypass was chosen to quicken weight loss.  That is just great, and to each her own.  For me: my banding was not a life or death choice in the moment-- at all.  It was a preventive measure. 

As a matter of fact, something that would make the anti-bandsters really crow: I had my band 'off-label'-- which means that the FDA hasn't yet accepted use of the band for those in my condition (obese but not ill from obesity.)  Nope: I would have had to have WAITED to become ill-- because I wasn't getting any thinner on my own, despite every effort that I kept trying to make.

Well: we all know that the FDA has their shit together, right?  I mean, it couldn't possibly be that the insurance companies have a strong lobby to prevent using WLS for someone in my condition (5'4 and nearly 200 pounds, with no sign of relenting weight loss over the years....)  Why would they do such a thing? Umm: money.  Insurance companies are gambling operations and they hope that you'll switch jobs and providers before they'll ever have to pay for your high BP meds, your diabetes care etc etc.  Surgery is expensive, yo.

Back to the rate of weight loss: every bit of diet and weight loss advice I've ever come across advocates SLOW weight loss.  Why? First, because weight loss is slow, for the most part, unless you do something VERY extreme, and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  Weight loss is a behavioral issue, and behaviorists who are worth their salt will tell you that if you discourage people-- they quit.  So, if you say: "you're expected to lose 4 pounds per week, every week," and a person only loses one pound per week, that person, who is doing respectably well in weight loss, could quit their program out of sheer frustration about not meeting the goals!! Common sense psychology.

Second: rapid weight loss is a shock to the system and commonly induces gallbladder issues and skin elasticity problems. 

There, I said it.  

Here is a reliable link to take a look at about gallstones:

Rapid Weight loss and increased gallstone risk

Please do not misunderstand: if you are losing weight rapidly, as long as in a safe way (eg: not starving or binging and purging) I am SO HAPPY for you!! It is just that there are 2 sides of every coin.

So: as far as I am concerned, slow and steady wins the race here-- and the band is known for a lengthy process of weight loss... and that weight loss keeps going after the first year.  Maybe not for everyone, but certainly the right choice for me.  I'd rather go slow and go long for a lifetime of learning-- than rapidly drop weight, develop gallstones (sorry to anyone who has, it is sometimes just an inevitable side effect of losing a bunch of weight,) and potentially put the weight right back on.

3) The side effects are 'disgusting' and untenable.

Again: another opinion that is like an asshole: everyone has one, and some of them really stink.

This is just a matter of what the market will bear-- for me, the 'side effects'-- which I've definitely experience, but are absolutely controllable behaviorally-- are minor annoyances, and they actually HELP someone with a band to learn the right way to do things.

PB'ing is NOT vomiting-- it is basically regurgitating food that hasn't even made it to the part of your stomach where much is being digested. I don't recommend it, but I also have to say that the food comes back up if you've not chewed or put too much in your piehole, and then it is over.

Sliming, pretty much the same-- your body produces a bunch more saliva to get the food DOWN the esophagus, and you just spit it out.  

Do I look to have these side effects for extra fun? NO.  They are an indicator that I must slow down or eat less... but are they untenable: not at all.

4) It's horrible to have to go back to the surgeon all the time for adjustments.  And the adjustments involve a needle and a 'port.'

I completely disagree with this opinion, and once again I have to say: it is a personal choice. 

For me: the knowledge that I will be under the care of a bariatric physician for the rest of my life is a COMFORT (and it is a choice, by the way.)

I feel the security of knowing that I have someone watching over me, keeping me accountable, and to whom I can return if I am getting into weight trouble.  It is like a permanent babysitter of my weight so that I can never get too far out of control again.   

The fact that I have an implant that forces me to go back to my surgeon is a great 'force'-- this means that if I am responsible, which I am to a fault with regard to my health: I will never be the dreaded WLS failure who loses all the weight and then turns around and just puts it back on.

No need for that: I will keep going back to my doc for help and will get whatever is needed.

I'm GLAD for this security blanket.  Sorry, haters.

And as for the DISGUSTING port and implant, oy vey.

I don't know what the anti-bandsters think this 'port' is, but it is not like a chemo port.  It is implanted under the skin and at my present weight, while I can feel the port if I press on it, it is not an encumbrance and doesn't hurt me-- and you CANNOT see the port.

I realize that some people do have ports that can be detected, and I wonder if this is a matter of surgical placement and the use of higher or lower profile ports.  I am pretty sure I must have a low profile port because my thinnest area has always been my abdomen. (That's actually how I knew I was getting very overweight-- even my gut was fat, for me.) 

But that being said: even with my much thinned abdomen, I cannot see my port at this point. 

Granted, I've got another 20 or 30 pounds to go, and perhaps it will eventually be visible in a bikini... but it is a small price for my health and for the brain space of not having to constantly obsess over diets!

Oh, and the needle/ adjustments?

I believe I have had 12 adjustments this year-- not one of them hurt, not even a little.  The needle is a tiny, thin gauge needle and it is in and out in 2 seconds.

I do think that one needs a competent surgical practice to handle the adjustments, though. I guess it could be more challenging if the person doing the adjustment is not very experienced or can't find the port.

Once again: though I suppose I've said some fighting words on here-- this is MY BLOG, and if you don't like it, go away. Hater comments will be deleted as immediately as I come across them.

This has been a PSA for those who are interested in the band, or whom have had the band-- it is NOT a step-off for a debate about MY PERSONAL OPINIONS.

Go away if you're a band hater, you're not welcome here.

What does the 'sweet spot' feel like to you?

Don't have a long time to post because I am sitting on the bed with my son-- but I wanted to ask anyone who wanted to answer:  what does the sweet spot feel like to you?

I haven't seen the sweet spot described in exactly the way that I feel it, but some hallmarks for me:

* I am not driven to eat most of the time, even when my stomach is pretty empty-- it is, strangely enough, a bit of a chore to think of eating at times-- because it is more effortful than without proper restriction (requires the right food choices, chewing, going slow, keeping portions small)

* I usually have a sense of 'fullness' that I find to be really weird and that I've never really experienced in the past (pre-band.)  This could be the 'vagus nerve' satisfaction piece--I almost feel like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner, but much of the time and not TIRED, just vaguely FULL and not interested in eating anything more.

* As the days go on, when I am best adjusted, I learn to adjust my portions to be much smaller and start taking VERY much less food on my plate.  I've found that I feel tense when I have a full plate of food and can't make a dent in it.  Isn't that weird??? 

* I don't have to think about dieting, restricting my intake on purpose to lose weight, or any particular diet plan-- and yet the scale drops anyway.

I believe that the last point is what Dr. Ren has been telling me all along-- and I am really thrilled to say that I am FINALLY there.  

I specifically recall that she said to me, 'when you're adjusted correctly, you won't have to think about it, the weight will just come off.. don't worry.'  And you know what: she is TOTALLY correct.

Things that I do need to think about:

1) Getting enough water-- this one is sometimes tough. Gone are the days of guzzling down water quickly.  I must drink in sips, and I try to drink throughout the day- I know water is essential to all of my bodily functions, and I don't want to wind up with kidney or bladder issues.

2) Getting the RIGHT nutrients in.  With better restriction-- at least at this level for me, I need to make sure to eat fruits and vegetables, along with the best proteins to give me a good nutritional 'band for my buck.'  I don't have a lot of stomach space to put stuff in-- so I need to respect my nutritional needs to the best of my ability.

I'm sure there's more, but I've gotta run-- what about you???

Sick, stressed and 168

My title says it all -- it is the middle of the night and I don't know why I am 'at work' in my head.
Yesterday was really stressful for a variety of reasons:
1) There is a bully in my son's kindergarten class-- and he happens to be our neighbor, with whose parents we are friendly.
We have been dealing with the issue for a while, but went o the school to complain on Monday... which helped precipitate an 'intervention team' to help our neighbors with their son, who is really behaviorally difficult.
It is a really complicated situation-- and since the family has money, I really don't know why they don't have him evaluated themselves-- but they have been waiting for the school.... blah blah.  But my son is this kid's favorite 'victim' and while he is generally very resilient and happy, we want to make the bullying stop (of course.)  Kindergarten???? why?

So: after dealing with the school, we also spent a long time talking with the neighbor (mother.) The father is often away at work (I know I'm one to talk)-- and that is probably not helping anyone.
We all decided to handle things maturely and work together to help our sons out of this situation-- though it is totally obvious that their son is having issues not only with ours, but other kids as well.

Le sigh... I just need to make sure that my kid is protected and doesn't feel any sense of psychological harm from this disturbed kid as he finally starts to get help.

2) My PIG was horribly nutty yesterday, not to mention that I was over an hour and half late (unbenounced to the person in charge, ha ha, love these little defiances!!) My lateness was due to the conversation above.  Kid always comes first, f-u PIG.
Anyway: I was all prepared for a quiet day in which I actually have a ton of work b/c the person in charge of me has demanded all sorts of work to be due at the exact same time (person is totally unreasonable, as I've described)-- and then BOOM: demand for something I didn't have the ability to produce without others who were involved in a totally different and very important other thing !!! Everyone had to drop a one time training and pull together a packet of info that really could have waited.
Stressful beyond the beyond.

3) and did I mention that my husband called me in the middle of all of this and said "Jordan is vomiting, come home."  Which was even more fun and stressful ... now mind you all: I am a mommy first and foremost, but my husband is the the house dad.
Of course, I dropped everything (well, actually, packed everything I was doing) and came home.
But I had to send an email telling person in charge about the situation and literally begging to continue my day from home-- the person's favorite style is to IGNORE emails 'it' doesn't like-- and that is what the person did.
Whatever.

Still reeling from all of the stress.  Fortunately, vomiting child stopped the vomiting before I even reached home, armed with Coca-cola, ginger ale, crackers, soup, and some vanilla ice cream for when he is on the mend...
But then my dh asked if he could go do his Tae Kwon Do testing, which he missed earlier in the day due to the vomiting episode.  I flatly said-- no way-- I am totally stressed from having to pick up everything midday.  Ack.

Oh, I forgot, in the middle of the afternoon-- person in charge sends frantic emails telling us we must respond to a request for proposals on something THIS INSTANT. Because I was in the mode of wanting to prove that I can work from home-- I organized the conference call and made the stuff happen on behalf of others who were busy.

Sorry to be so vague, but yesterday was stressful, I tell ya.

I see my psychiatrist today-- and that will be good to process all of this and get some support on it all.
Ugh.

PS: so symbolic, but other than my title, I neglected to mention that I AM SICK. Moms do go to the bottom of the pile-- and that is where I feel I am a bit at this moment.
The upside: not very much appetite... I had a protein bar and some saltines and a cup of real coke, to settle my stomach-- that was my eating day.  I need to drink more water and am trying, but my throat is HORRIBLY sore. Did I say ugh???

Well, thus endeth this particularly whiney post. Does anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?

New band blog alert

Hey everyone out there, please click on this new blog if you have a moment:
Susan at Diary of a Lap Band Mom

Susan is brand new to our 'blogosphere' and will be banded in a week.  I am her first follower, but I know she could use some more!
This is an exciting time for her... and as we all know, the more the support the better.

I haven't had a chance to go to every blog and thank each and every one of you who commented and supported me this weekend and yesterday-- so if I haven't gotten to your blog yet to say hello and thx individually-- please know I saw each comment and each meant so much to me.

I learned an important lesson that had been lingering for a while.  Lesson learned: I really don't care to have 'detractors' of the band in my universe.  I typically am very open to debate and to disagreement about my choices, I'm fairly secure in my decisions in general.  But with weight loss and all of the baggage that has come along with it in my life AND even though I've lost over 35 pounds in a year (and am continuing my efforts to reach my first major goal of being the 'normal' BMI range,) which is perfectly respectable progress according my surgeon and ME, most importantly-- I am just too sensitive to the criticism and I don't NEED to welcome it into my life. I mean: what is the point of debating the success rate of the band, the potential complications, or the safety of going 'under the knife.'  At this point: I have the friggin' band already-- and what is truly ridiculous about debating my choice is that I am HAPPY with my choice.

So, even though I am the child of lawyers and quite the 'debater' myself-- I've learned that I don't care to have any more discussions with haters to try to defend my viewpoint.  I don't need to spend a whole lot of time on the 'bandstand.'  I know I made the right decision-- and there are 7 ways to Sunday with regard to everything from how to poach an egg, what length your suit cuffs should be, and how to lose weight.  We'll never agree, so we have to do what is right for us in our own lives.
Thus endeth mini-rant.

As for me otherwise: I have a cold, and my throat is sore. Bleh. But I actually got in a class in Tae Kwon Do last evening (I helped out at my school with the kids' class-- which also means playing 'flag sparring,' and coaching sparring by actually 'defending' against little ankle biting kids who were trying to beat the crap out of me (we were wearing gloves, pads etc.)  I was happily surprised to see that my push-ups have come very far! I can actually do a full out push ups-- and did 5 in a row when I lost one of our game rounds.  I've gotta do some more b/c they are simply the best toners around.  Are push ups easier because I am lighter now? Very possibly...

I'm off to try to read some of y'all's blogs.
If I haven' been by and commented in a while-- please comment to me and I will come on back.  I took down my 'blog roll' from the side of my blog b/c it got too confusing to follow everyone and that has made it a bit more challenging to make it over to everyone's blogs consistently.  So, let me know if you need some love and I will stop on by whenever I can do!

A new low!!!

I realize that I'm beginning to sound like a broken record-- but this fill REALLY did the trick for me.  Yahoo!  As I said last week, I just felt different from the very start-- and I knew that my hunger/ appetite would be managed to the extent that I could lower my calories down to lose weight.

People who don't need a band do not understand the feeling of having tremendous and repeated difficulty constraining an appetite that seems to have gone off the deep end.  Of course: the anti-bandsters will tell you, 'of course,' if you just ate less in the first place, you would NEVER have needed the band and you would never need the band. Duh, the band is restrictive, NOT malabsorbtive.

There is just one eensy, weensy, (ahem, I mean ENORMOUS) problem with that argument: I always knew that if I ate less I would lose weight. I even said that when I ate less, I would get off of my plateau.  My body is nothing mysterious-- there is no hidden metabolic agenda going on.  When I lower my calories, I lose the weight.

But HOW THE HELL DO I LOWER MY CALORIES AND KEEP THEM LOW when I've tried every diet under the sun from the time I was about 10 years old until I was about 39 years old.  

Let me correct myself-- I only got my professional 'dieter' credential in the year 1989-- summertime, when I was 18 years old, going on 19 and joined Weight Watchers for the first of approximately TEN times.

That first time in 1989, I started WW at a horrifying 156 pounds (!!) which I was mortified to weigh-- because it was higher than any of my friends, and I just felt fat.  It was certainly the 'freshman 15'-- I weighed 143 when I left high school.  Not skinny and not satisfied with my weight at all, and had dieted (but only in the minor league and never with a consistent diet plan, just trying to lower calories and repeatedly falling off the wagon)... but just making it into the healthy range for my height at 143.

Fast forward through one year of college-- and there is was: the unglorious freshman 15-- which turned out to me to be the freshman 13.

So, I bucked up, joined WW and I dieted my ass off, literally, all summer long. I isolated myself from my friends-- didn't go to parties, didn't go to the NJ shore-- I just worked at my job and went home at night and measured out my portions and watched the scale go down.  [I didn't go anywhere or do anything where I couldn't be familiar with the food, because that would have derailed me and it scared me to fail.  I HAD to get the weight off.]

I started exercising when I reached 146 pounds and got myself down to the 136 range and felt absolutely sensational when I returned to college. I was scared, but determined to try to keep the weight off.

My approach above was just great for a college student with no other responsibilities other than to herself-- but a little obsessive and a bit unrealistic.  I went by the book with WW, and I was totally healthy about it, but in the wrong hands, my isolative behavioral pattern and intensity could have multiplied and turned into an all out eating disorder. Fortunately for me: I didn't have the underpinnings and truly just wanted to get down to a healthy weight.

But that diet was a total "diet" for me-- including the fact that I clearly recall having conversations with my mom about planning ahead for returning to college in the fall and how I was going to eat when I was no longer on a "diet."  Of course, my mother was upset by this discussion and told me that I was going to have to eat the same and not any more than what I was currently eating.  I did not like this answer, as I figured that my WW plan was a time and a place, not a permanent 'lifestyle.'  (There was none of this 'lifestyle' chat in the 80's, you just pulled yourself up by your shoulder pads and your skinny tie and went on a diet to lose weight.)

What's the next part of the story: well of course, you guessed it-- I returned to school, struggled with my weight and had put on all of the weight by the end of the year. Le sigh.

I proceeded to struggle with my weight, losing and gaining and trying fad diet after fad diet over the next several years... and I won't go into graduate school and beyond right now because it is too long. 

But suffice it to say: whenever I have well and truly lowered my calories to a consistent 1200 calorie level per day-- consistent is the key word here-- I have ALWAYS lost weight.  

And just as consistently, whenever I've hit a PLATEAU, it was because I was having some 1200 calorie days, but eating too much on other days... that is the meaning of the plateau for me: just staying the same because of a lack of consistently restricted calories.

Anyway: my point is that I've always known how to get 'home'-- I've always known the metaphorical way to click my heels together and say "there's no place like thin, there's no place like thin..." but over the years, clicking my heels stopped getting me there.

My usual yo-yo behavior stopped working and by the time I reached my 30's, got married, had a kid, started rising up the career ladder-- kablooey!

There was simply no getting 'home' again.

And that is why I chose the next step of weight loss surgery in 2009 (the surgery in 2010.)  

I "only" had about 40 pounds that I 'had' to lose to get into a healthy BMI range when I first saw Dr. Ren (I was around 196.)  But due to an unfortunate virus, I had to put off my surgery and gained 7 pounds between September 2009 and the actual surgical date of January 2010.

Nevertheless: I've now lost weight from my all time high of 203 (gulp) down to 167.8... and I almost feel like I'm just starting over again.  I'm having a 'band renaissance.'  The band is back and helping me manage my appetite and my desire to eat foods that are unhealthy-- and I am doing the rest with my own self-discipline.  With my wonderful and necessary tool (necessary for me, I cannot speak for everyone)-- I am doing the job.  

I'll remind all of you that I've NEVER taken off this much weight in my adult life, and no matter how 'slow' I am moving at is-- the weight is GONE now and it continues to decrease. I also have never stuck with a 'diet' plan for so long-- I would always run out of steam to hold my appetite back after about 3 months.  Counting the pre-op diet, it has been nearly a year now, and I am just as enthusiastic as I was when I started!!

I'm completely aware of the fact that I've changed myself internally and that I have a plastic implant that can potentially slip or move about.  I reviewed all of that at length with my therapist on a number of occasions before banding and decided that the risks outweighed the benefits.  I also was well aware of the fact that I could lose all the weight and then GAIN IT ALL BACK. 

(All of the these complications were very clearly spelled out to me by my surgeon, of course, and they are up on the internet for anyone to read-- because that is how surgery works for the uninducted.  Medico-legally, surgeons, hospitals, and implant manufacturers MUST disclose EVERY risk ahead of time to allow the patient to make an 'informed consent.'  And ladies and gents: I did exactly that.)

I specifically said to my psychiatrist: "Well, it is conceivable that I could lose 50 or 60 or 70 pounds over 2 year or so, keep it off for a year or 2 and then gain it back.  But that is about 5 years where my body is NOT this overweight-- and that is a gift to my body.  Who knows where bariatric medicine will be 5 years from now ? Maybe there will be a different intervention for me if this eventually fails.  I'm ready to take the risk."

Thanks goodness for the band, thank goodness for bariatric medicine, which as a medical science understands that simple willpower won't ever be enough for a certain part of the population.  

I never undertook the band lightly and don't undertake the process lightly.  It doesn't matter to me that I have to have a life-long relationship with my surgeon-- I have a life-long relationship with my psychiatrist and my internist and many friends and family.  That's how life goes.  You do what you need to do, and you stay out of other peoples' business when they do things that don't hurt OTHERS that you don't agree with.

And that is how I function in every aspect of my life.  I'm not here to criticize or bring ANYONE down. I wish everyone the best, including myself-- and I know I've made the perfect decision for me.

And that decision was ANYTHING but uninformed, extreme, or impulsive.

Thus endeth band rant for today.

PS: Haters, if you are here- your comments will be IMMEDIATELY deleted from my blog.  And if anyone takes to copying comments from my blog and propagating hate with them or gathering a mob-- I will report your actions to Blogger.

Just LEAVE if you don't like the band.  The debate is over here in Dinnerland.  This is MY place to say my opinion and if you don't like it, get the hell out of here. I am not interested.

Progress! And if you play with fire...

*** Everyone: thx so much for your support -- it means the world to me-- but let's all please stop commenting on the topic of the argument in this blog.  I'm truly sorry I exposed my friends to this pain in the ass.
I do not want anyone else to have to be exposed to further distress from the arguing, and I am sorry to anyone who tried to give me support or defend my position and got slammed as a result on someone else's blog and I certainly don't want anyone else's comments picked apart on blogs of others.
Let's move on now, there is nothing more to see and fighting just stimulates things even more.
Just keep doing great every day and never let anyone bully you about your own choices!!***

So, there is some progress for y'all! Yay!
As for the title of this post-- it is about REDACTED/ let's just move on now instead of going back to toxic arguments....


LINK REMOVED. Don't go there. Really, just don't.

Below is my comment because I am not certain whether he will post it.  I want to get my two cents in there and then I am not fighting about it anymore.

All I can say is that this is MY blog and my place to express myself and I am glad for the support I receive from you all.  While it is not a necessity that you are banded to by of support-- I will say that I don't welcome band detractors here.  Enough is enough.  It is fucking exhausting to defend my decision to people who refuse to understand... that's all for now.

Oh: and PS-- to any NAME REDACTED cronies who come over here to spout vitriol, you'll be deleted. Go comment on his blog with your angry hatred.

My comment to NAME REDACTED:


Actually... your post about me was very mean.
Not the post of a 'friend' at all.  Yes, I've read what has transpired in the last 24 hours-- I'm human and I have feelings and I cared what you thought. 
I spoke about this with my husband, his question: Why do you care what this person thinks? (And his subsequent remark: you shouldn't, he doesn't matter, ignore him.)
So, even though I've enjoyed your 'tough love' approach, and taken what I can from it, you are just too hurtful for me to deal with at this point. That is why I've blocked your email address and taken your most recent comments down from my blog.  (I use the comments as a way to link back to people, so I've removed the 'temptation' to click on your name and wind up on your blog. I blocked your email in case you might send any nasty remarks on email, I really don't need that)
In my world, friends are supportive and kind, and when they think they see you 'hurting' yourself, they try to do something constructive, not destructive. What happened to you in your life that has produced such anger and temper?  Whatever it is, I'm sorry you're so damaged, but I don't need to be involved.
I am FAR from stupid (which you and your blogger buds seems to think I am. Painting me as stupid is as insulting as it is truly mind-boggling to me.  Stupid? Uninformed, medically ignorant? Hardly.
To your posse of haters: I've worked in world class medical centers for my entire career, am at the senior most management level at this point, and am highly educated as a foundation of my experience. I'm at about the top of my career game and probably would be any of your followers' boss in real life.  Stupid and uninformed: I am not.
Regarding my weight loss trajectory and choices: I don't need a pat on the head, and you are at your liberty disagree with me, my choices and my approach.  The difference between a friendly debate and the way you function is the amount of vitriol you pump into the interaction.
In addition, your little army of jerky 'band haters' AND you totally misinterpreted the tone of my comment-- which was meant to be genuinely supportive. (Again: Who is the stupid one in this interaction?)
I suppose in the dissection of the various parts of my comment, it may have appeared that I was being sarcastic, but anyone who knows me at all (like I thought you sort of did me,) knows that I am not a hater.  Don't get me wrong: I have plenty of opinions and say it like it is, but it is my choice and my road to keep is as respectful (and real) as possible.
Let me restate:  I am happy you're all losing weight-- and as you recall, you sent me your package of information, so I am not as misinformed as you paint me to be.  Also: what you and some of your followers may forget is that medicine is a science AND an art.  The highly expert medical/ bariatric community cannot agree on the best way to advise every individual to lose weight-- so, may I ask, why are you the arbiter of all that is correct and 'holy' in weight loss? From where and when did you receive your MD PhD and your Nobel prize for curing obesity in the world?
Until you or any of your followers is duly credentialed-- I think we'll all have to agree that we are expressing OPINIONS.  Even if those 'opinions' are shared by 4 overpriced Park Avenue physicians who happen to be your personal friends. Who gives a crap. I have plenty of physician friends who also charge thousands of dollars for their services. Just because it costs a lot to see a doctor, it doesn't that person right in every circumstance.  That argument of yours.... is terribly flawed.
In that context, I'll remind you and your drones that didn't go get a band after trying Weight Watchers for 2 weeks and not losing the weight I wanted.  My surgeon is not in sales, she is a world-renowned band surgeon with HER OWN opinions..  and she didn't need my business-- she could have turned me away.  People are literally lining up to see her.
But she is a physician who knows a weight loss disaster when she sees one.  I did not get the band lightly.


You're right-- I am 'walking the walk' and have done since I started and intend to continue on the same path. I don't need people in my life who are setting up land mines along the way, and I certainly don't need the volatility.
I can't promise that I won't come back and read your blog anymore-- I'm interested. If that makes you the 'winner'-- jolly for you.  
I am not interested in 'winning.'  I'm interested in living a healthy and satisfying life-- and fortunately, I am there in many ways.
But I can and will keep my thoughts to myself and won't comment on your blog from here because I don't ever want them picked apart and decontextualized in the way that you did in your post yesterday.
I am mature enough to reconsider my position about our friendship after this blows over. If you would like to be friends in the future, just treat me in the way that a friend would and we'll move past this.  If I need to tell you how to make amends and rekindle our friendship-- then I really don't have time for the pain.  It's up to you to figure out how to help mitigate the hurt that you caused.
Good luck in all of your future endeavors. THAT IS A GENUINE STATEMENT, not snarky, in case you cannot read the tone.

Another successful day

I am so glad that today has been another successful day!
The band is totally awesome and I am so happy that I chose this tool to lead me to a needed solution.
Looking forward to my continued success, and I am genuinely so proud of everything I have accomplished in the past year... it is, after all, almost my 1 year 'bandiversary' -- January 4th.

I am feeling lazy and tired after spending the day in NYC with my hubs and then seeing some old friends... tomorrow morning is a birthday party for a friend of our little one at our Tae Kwon Do studio (it is called our "Doh Jong.) Then I suspect it will be an unstructured afternoon-- during which we'll certainly walk the new puppy 50 times (ha ha)... but a relaxing Sunday in store.

Apropos of the latest developments-- part of our school credo is "Ha Sa Bul Sung"-- translated to English: "There is no impossible."  So true.

And one more that we say: "Pil sung"-- "Certain Victory."

Yes sir-ee!

169.2... moving on down

I told you guys!! This fill is working for me... and I am very excited.
I am genuinely thrilled to share this new (albeit slow moving) success down the scale.  And I'm sharing not only to brag- because I am so thrilled- but also to tell you that IT CAN BE DONE.

Robin from "Robin's Band Theory" commented on my blog yesterday and wrote something like, "You're nothing if not tenacious!"
Her comment really struck me.  My reaction deserves a bit of psychobabble breakdown, so here goes.
[Robin, this is all about my emotional world, and not really about your comment, ok?]

At first, in my high state of oversensitivity and overthinking, I kind of took that comment to mean, "Well, you may not be successful, but at least you're trying!"  The reason that reaction came up was that it has taken me good and long to drop a few ounces on the scale.  That's not very successful, is it?
Huh? Is that really what that comment meant? NO!

Next, I thought, "Well, who wouldn't be keeping on, who wouldn't be plugging away and being tenacious-- isn't EVERYBODY refusing to give up until they succeed?"  Um, sadly, NOPE.
A classic 'Dinnerland' response if there ever was one. I often think of things where I am relatively 'pitbullish' as non-negotiables, even though they are choices I make. (Therapy is good you know, my therapist pointed this very thing out to me.)

I should not assume that everyone would continue to plug away at the band process, and that everyone would continue to push and push until they reach their ultimate goals-- that is ME, not everyone. Perfect case in point: look at all of the drop out bloggers.
We, you who are reading and those among us who blog on a consistent basis, are a community of 'pluggers' -- us experienced bandsters- and we're going to keep trying. It doesn't matter if we're plateaued for months at a time.  Our commitment shows in the regular 'exercise' of coming back to our friends here and keeping accountable.


Finally, I got around to thinking that Robin gave me a nice compliment, plain and simple.
She was giving me a little love for sticking to things and not giving up.  Enough said, and she is right.  Now it is time for me to give credit to me too!

I am proud that I am sticking with it and I want to share the hope with anyone out there who is also struggling.
I have to admit to a rising feeling of tension, aggravation, and fear of failure over these past few months.  I mean, there I was progressing along, slowly, yes, but moving down the scale-- and then in October, I just got stuck where I was in this awful cycle of 170-174, with the occasional visit back down to 169.9.
I tried the old-fashioned diet approach, and momentarily dropped to 168.2 for one day ... but that just caused rebound behavior for me. I tried formatting diet plans etc etc.. Nothing.
I went for an unfill (October 1st) then a 'refill' (November 11th) and FINALLY: for another fill that made all the difference (December 8th.)

The refill took me to a HIGHER fill level that I was at when I had the unfill-- which really confused me. I was a 7.3 cc's when I had an unfill b/c I was 'too tight'-- and then had .2 cc's removed, which made me feel better but did nothing for my weight loss.  My last fill-- added .2 cc's to 7.4-- and that's what made the difference!!
The moral of the story is that you can't overthink the AMOUNT of fill you have in your band-- just go with it. Who knows, maybe it is the weather that makes it more tolerable for me to have more in the band-- or maybe that is just what I needed all along (probably.)  Instead: You have to keep going back to your doctor until you're at the right fill level-- and you have to go back and go back again and keep going back until you reach your goals and are in the right place.

Yes: it is a serious commitment, and I know some of us (like Gen,) have more challenges literally getting to our docs.  That just makes the process take longer.  But it won't defeat the band if we all keep on.  I believe there have been studies in the medical literature (Barbara? You are the medlit junkie-- do you know what I mean?) that correlate the number of return visits to the doc in the first year with band success.  I'd expand that one step further:
I believe that we all can succeed, in whatever time it takes, as long as we keep returning to our practices and keep working with our docs.

That's the hopeful place I'm in and I definitely want to share!
Have a great Saturday, y'all.

Baby steps- 169.5

I'm feeling more confident that this time I'm not going to bounce back up to the 170's.  Before: each dip into the 160's felt like a lucky break, and I would anxiously await the next venture to the scale, figuring that I would 'boing' right back into the 170's.

And now I know why: I needed a fill!!

I think one of the great things for me about having a better level of restriction is the confidence level that I feel... instead of worrying what is going to happen next, and whether my 'willpower' will suffice, yada yada, I am pretty convinced that no matter what-- with just a small bit of effort on my part, I will absolutely continue to progress down the scale.

Also-- a good article:
http://health.yahoo.net/experts/healthieryou/7-foods-speed-weight-loss

enjoy!

169.4...170.4

So, I got on the scale a while ago, when I first got up and took the puppy out: 169.4.

And then I miraculously 'gained' a pound to 170.4 by the time an hour had passed and I had a few sips of water... mmmm.

I'm not very worried-- yesterday, as I wrote 10,000 times, was a million times different from any sensation I can remember for a long time with the band. Instead of trying to feel myself out for the restriction and lack of hunger: the feelings were palpable.

Granted: I could just be 'ready' and really am looking for the band to help me, but I don't think so, I felt physiologically different within an hour or so of the fill. Like RADICALLY not hungry.  I also really do not want to get into a 'too tight' mode-- so I believe I am psychologically prepared to be super, duper careful to avoid irritating my band.

Yesterday's food tally goes like this:

Coffee/ milk

Medium Latte from Dunkin Donuts with whole milk

1 can Campbell's tomato soup prepared with 1/2 can water/ 1/2 can 2% milk

tea with 2% milk

2 small bites of bolognese sauce

~5 oz red wine

2/3rd Zone perfect Almond / Dark Chocolate Protein bar

By my count: @1000 calories

I know that this post would have scared the daylights out of my when I was preparing to be banded-- so anyone considering banding and reading this post: 

This absurdly small amount of food (what? 2 bites of bolognese sauce???) was just fine with me yesterday.  Believe it or not, my stomach wasn't grumbling, I wasn't in 'white knuckling' mode to stay away from the fridge-- and the fleeting thought of a chunk of cheddar cheese came and went through my  mind-- but I didn't suffer it.  I just didn't want to go there (not that cheese is the devil... but I am technically supposed to have liquids through today.)

That's another thing, as I've learned this whole band 'routine,' I've learned to interpret the advice accordingly, and hopefully to my benefit. When you're supposed to be on liquids, that means LIQUIDS-- but with a small exception that (at least for me, and I am not a band surgeon... so take it or leave it) if something basically TURNS INTO liquid in my mouth with virtually one or two chews-- no real chewing effort-- I will eat it on day 1 after a fill.

That's why I had the protein bar- those particular protein bars melt in my mouth and turn into liquid and they are a total 'go to' food for me.

Yada yada.

So: returning to finish the loop of this post-- while my weight didn't drop drastically after just one day, which isn't to be expected anyway: I anticipate big results from this fill.

We all know the simple and hard truth of weight loss: lower your calories and lose weight.

The tricky thing is the 'how to' get your calories low and stay there.

And that is the genius of a well-adjusted band, after all.  So, I pray that this adjustment will continue to feel as successful as it does right now. No suffering, but mindfulness of the pretty strict limits on my eating (as in what will go down and what won't) for now.

And we all know that I always have the option to return to the doc's office at any time to get some fluid out-- but right now: no way! I love the notion of having my hunger under control so that good choices are so much easier to make.  

A million posts in a day...

I am presently very unmotivated to be doing anything at PIG-- I have a bunch of stuff to do, but nothing urgently pressing for today and I JUST DON'T feel like it.
I am pretty excited about this new fill-- I know I am repeating myself, but somehow, I just get the sense that it is going to do the trick and that I am entering upon a new era of success.  Way to be hopeful Dinnerland!!

In any case, I certainly am scared out of my mind to cause myself to get swollen by overdoing eating in the first few days and in and of itself, the fear will really help me to just stay away from anything that is not really, really liquidy or mushy.  I don't go for ice cream or hot cocoa-- and I am actually not craving any sliders at the moment so... pretty good for now.  Drinking some wonderful tomato soup at the moment that I prepared (canned Campbell's soup) with half a can of 2% milk and half a can of water. I do want to be sure to get some fat and protein in so I don't get starving later.  What will I be having for dinner? More soup, no doubt!

Oh yeah: and a lovely glass of wine!

And therein really does lie the difference between the banded and the non-banded.
By necessity, when really restricted, a person with a band must choose her foods carefully-- as volume is really NO LONGER the thing to count on.  I don't know if I'll make much sense, but before banding, 'dieting' really looked a lot different to me.  Now, I simply cannot eat a lot of the foods that I might be 'required' to eat by diet plans.

Instead, I have to favor band friendly options that get my nutrition into my face!

I am looking back on the past few months and my expectations-- and perhaps I was expecting to live TOO normal of a life with the band -- which is reasonable to want-- but I feel ready to be as restricted as I may find myself to be.  As long as my hunger and cravings are managed: I am perfectly fine with having a few weeks of mushies and liquidy food.  I do not LIVE to eat... and right now, I am getting into priority mode about losing weight.

I am not advocating suffering with a band.  No sir.  However: I think that I have wanted a bit too much freedom and with that freedom, I think I've lost weight slower thus far.  Who knows what's going to happen next for sure? (Certainly not me.) But I feel that a switch may have been turned to tune me back into my band and get it working for me.  Oh please, oh please!!

I've been repeating for a while that Dr. Ren says that it should be easy to lose weight with the band-- and I am beginning to understand (again) that she is right and that this is true.  The hard part, and the one she reminded me about today is EATING VERY SLOWLY, MUCH SLOWER THAN I'VE BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO BE EATING, even with the band. 
And I'll add: chewing my dang food until it is liquid, or just opting for soups and mushies until I feel that I can trust myself better.

I know I am shouting from the rooftops about all of my hope and it is WAY premature-- I got the fill about 4 hours ago-- but as I have said a few time, I just FEEL DIFFERENT all of a sudden.  Could it be the hope? Or could it be that a physiological change actually DID occur with the better tightening of my band?  Only time will tell.

Here's to skinny!

Filled right on up!

So, I saw Dr. Ren this morning and low and behold, I was not ejected from the office (as I always fear I will be when I am struggling.)
I told her that I was struggling, humiliated, frustrated and most of all: hungry at night.  And she gave me .2 cc's and said: "There you go, you are pretty tight now, so that ought to fix you up!"

Amen, Dr. Ren.  From your mouth....

I can tell you that I am VERY tight, I have been sipping a Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Latte for the past hour and it is going slow, but going down. I cut my Wellbutrin in quarters (instead of halves) and it is eeking down the old pipes. 
** Sandy Lee-- I don't take Wellbutrin 'SR'-- I changed from SR (sustained release) so I COULD cut the pills... no worries...

Have I shared this pill tip?
I find that halving pills really works well-- and then following up with warm liquids to help ease the pill down.  I haven't had any problems thus far-- though I am due for my first annual esophogram in the next few weeks.  Gotta get that done.

But I've digressed.
Yep: I am pretty tight and feeling WAY different than I did from the last time that I came from that same office.  This time I feel more powerfully confident that I will be very well restricted (which I really need right now) and that I will start losing weight again.  Somehow I just know it and feel the confidence coming back.

I'm now at 7.4 cc's in a 10 cc band-- which (according to Ren's estimate) is tight for me-- so I just feel like this is 'advanced banding' now for me.  I may be relegated to some weeks of soups, teas, and liquidy substances, but I frankly don't care if it gets me jump started and I am not that crazed to eat anyway.

Here's to progress...

A look back at the old journal...

So I got on the scale this am, and depending on what number you take (either 170.6 or 171.6)-- by all accounts, I am MAJOR stuck at this stupid weight range.

I am nothing if not a data whore and an information monger, so I want to share some key observations with you all that I will bring to Dr. Ren:

Month:   Start Weight:     End Weight:   Wt. Change:            Adj date        Adjmt. Type   Adjmt. Amt./ Total in band:

                                                                                                               

Sept                     173.0                    171.6              -2.6                   NONE            NONE              NONE / 7.3 cc's

Oct                      171.7                    172.0              +0.3                 10/1/10          UNFILL           - 0.3 cc's / 7.0 cc's

Nov                     171.7                    172.4              +0.7                 11/11/10       FILL                 +0.2 cc's/ 7.2 cc's

Other notes for my file:

My weight as of 12/21/09= 203.5 (highest weight)

My weight of 1/4/10= 194.4 (surgery weight)

Total weight loss to date @ 11 months= 203.5-- 171.6= 31.9 pounds

My new theory: I was probably just a bit UNDERFILLED when I went to see Dr. Ren in October-- I should have had a tweak MORE fill so that my tightness would have been complimented by less hunger.  In that way, my interest in food would have been diminished, I could have been behaviorally careful, and I would have lost more weight by now.

I'm glad to say that I am pretty convinced from this review that I need a big girl fill today-- or at least a 'semi-big-girl' fill today.  It seems that 7.3 was on the right track, but I actually needed just a bit MORE.  Like maybe up to 7.4 or even 7.5???

I am going to discuss this with Chris Ren today and see what she says-- but I am getting desperate to see some new progress!!
I plan to show her my little graphic of information so she can look at it and evaluate and work with me on next steps.

Thanks for listening, I'll tell ya what happens next, but there is nothing like 'facing the music' to move ahead...

Discouraged/ Determined / Up all night!

After I post this, I am going to try to go back to sleep-- I'm writing at 1:15am and have a bit of insomnia, if that isn't obvious from the timing of the post.
Tomorrow I have my final scheduled appointment of 2010 with Dr. Ren.

Unfortunately, it will be a 'problem' visit in that I am stuck right where I've been for the past few months and pretty aggrieved about the whole damn thing and scared and not sure what to do next...
I really have been trying a variety of things-- but nothing is working to help me get my calories down and for me to get past this hump. I have a feeling I may be headed for a fill tomorrow-- and that isn't bad-- but I am really confused about what level of fill I need in the band to get things cooking again.

The way I am remembering it:
I had an UNfill at 7.3 b/c I was too tight and went back to 7.0... then I had a re-fill (last month) to 7.2 and that's not enough.
I guess there are fills in the .05 range, right?  So maybe that's what I am looking at?

I am curious if we/ they have an accurate read on what amount is in my band, exactly, so I am going to ask that question tomorrow.  I know it is probably too late to ask any of you who might know: but if they take all the fluid out of your band to see how much is in there-- can they just put it all back in with no trouble?  Seems to me that the answer is yes... and I guess I'll find out tomorrow, b/c I think it would be a good thing for Dr. Ren to extract all of the fluid that is in there and get a read on what my actual fill amount is AND if that matches the amount she thinks is in there!

After all, I've read repeateadly about 'missing' cc's all the time.  Maybe we're just thinking I've got 7 point something in my band-- but I really have less????
I don't know-- but I know that the band was explained to me (by Dr. Ren) to be a good 'answer' to the issues I was having and now I am running into those same issues all over again.

I am genuinely trying everything I know to reduce what I'm eating-- and having some limited success, but not enough for me to actually LOSE much weight right now.  So I am clearly having too many calories per day.
I know that I can keep my eating fairly minimal (without much effort at all) during the day-- but the problem is that when I get home and have an evening meal-- I don't get satisfied and so I have another mini-meal afterwards.  And I am trying to eat quality foods like lean proteins and veggies.... but I just don't feel 'satiated.'  And I suppose that is what I really need to explain to Chris Ren-- b/c I know the band is meant to help me with that last bit: I should be able to eat limited portions during the day and have my one 'substantial' meal in the evening-- but be able to eat and then get satisfied and be done with it.

Not happening right now-- and there has got to be more help for me-- I don't want to believe that she's going to throw her hands up and say "you're a lost cause, loser.'  Right?

AND: I've added more exercise, not so much that I'm extra hungry, but enough that some additional calorie burning is taking place-- but to not especially good effect.

I'm just stuck.  I'm discouraged, frustrated and alarmed (there, I said it all.)  Wah.
But, back to the drawing board-- back to the doctor-- that is what I signed up for and it is good.  I'm more than happy to go in and get counseling and assistance with Dr. Ren (or her practice partners) moving ahead.  This cannot be ALL that there is in band land for me... it is not what she and I signed me up for.

I want to believe that this is a bump in the road, a long bump, because y'all KNOW I've been here for a few months now... I am just determined to get past it and get on the losing end of things again.
More to follow.

A post in which I credit Beth at Obesity Strike for a new idea...

Quite interesting-- I read something that really motivated to lower my calories, salt, and sugar way down for the next few days, having less to do with my weight, per say, but more to do with my goddamn hormones.

Read this from Beth at Obesity Strike:

When I maintained at 140 pounds for those six years, my hormones levelled off and I felt great. Of course, the body produces estrogen according to it's weight so the heavier I am, the worse the hormonal problems have been for me.  I have endometriosis which is made much worse by being fat ands,I simply an unable to tolerate any medical manipulation of my hormones I was once put into chemically induced menopause to stop the endometriosis and I went into a severe depression immediately.  It may seem silly to keep dieting so ferociously when I "only" have 30 pounds left to loose but those 30 pounds make a big difference to me in many ways, they will reduce my hormonal problems, they will (hopefully) remove the remaining aching back problems (which only occur hormonally now that I've lost 75 pounds) and most tangibly, I can hopefully wear the same size clothes year after year*. 

Well well well.
This was quite a meaty paragraph for me-- and having had over a week of shitty cramping and spotting, I'm about to my limit.  However: I DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THE PILL.

I have to believe that what Beth says is true, that at a lower weight, hormones are much more likely to level off-- it is simply a matter of my exquisite body machine producing enough estrogen for my weight. So at my current weight, I am the lucky owner of MORE estrogen than I would at any weight lower than this.  That being said: my being overfat is simply adding to my pain problem and I've had a friggin-nough.

You may think I'm jumping to conclusions but hear this info:
I looked back at my weight journal and I see that I weighed about 183 in by the end of April.
As I lost more weight, my symptoms really did diminish for a while-- and the pains subsided by the time it was August, when I weighed in at about 173ish.

That 10 pounds seems to have made a HUGE difference in my hormones, and I am wondering if I make a push to lose 10 more pounds rather quickly-- for pain control, perhaps I'll be able to get the same relief again?

A gyn whom I spoke with explained to me that every decade comes with new hormonal challenges and changes for women... expect almost a new body per decade.  Well, this body I am in is telling me something-- it fucking hurts to ovulate and I've had about enough.

I'm willing to try a solution that would be healthy in 100 different ways to Sunday anyway for God's sake, who could argue with lowering my calories down so I lose weight AND control my hormones better.

I am off to do a bit more research on dietary choices that are best to head off hormonal issues... I heard from at least one person that limiting dairy is a good route, but I want to read that for myself.  Of course, those pickles HAVE to go.  And plenty of fluids, plenty of water, teas, etc.  See how I go!